MIL - WTF do we do?

[Pregernaught]

I posted before about MIL buying a next to me crib for her house and passing on questionable vintage baby advice. I thought I’d nipped it in the bud, she’s been ok for a few weeks but last night we had another issue and I’m not sure whether to start winding down contact with her or try one more time to put my foot down?

I’m now 16 weeks, MIL has been buying bits of clothes etc which is totally fine, I’ve just asked that she doesn’t bring them to my house until I’m 28 weeks or more (I’ve had miscarriages, I’m superstitious etc). MIL pulled a face at this but whatever, I asked her not to buy things early on but she went ahead so her choices, not mine.

Anyway, I had a bit of bleeding last week (nothing serious, cervical irritation it turned out) so I went to see the midwife who sent me for a quick scan just to check baby was ok and all is well. DH was on the phone to MIL when I got back from the hospital and had his ‘wtf’ face on, so I asked him to put her on speaker and the first thing I heard was enormous, dramatic fake sobs. I asked what had happened, and apparently DH had mentioned I’d gone for a scan to check all was ok and MIL had immediately decided my bleeding was because she’d bought things Too early and it was all her fault and how could she live with herself for (wait for it)... KILLING HER BABY!

Ummmmmm... who’s baby?

I said ‘MIL I’m going to hang up now and we can talk when you’re acting more appropriately, night’ in a very flat tone.

30 mins later just as we were settling down to eat, cue MIL walking straight in to the house (she always does this) still sobbing. I stood up to tell her to get the fuck out, but was stopped when she walks straight up to me, puts her hands on my intestines (no where near where baby is right now!) and starts whimpering ‘oh I thought I’d lost you baby!’ At my empty stomach.

DH hit the roof and told her she was acting like a complete head case and to go home, we’d call her to talk when we were ready. She left. We just stood completely lost for words for a few seconds before DH started apologising a lot.

So, obviously we change the locks and don’t give her a key, but how on earth do we address the fact that this attention seeking madness is likely a sign that she’s become quite unwell whilst still protecting ourselves from it? DH is an only child and MIL lives alone although she has a gentleman friend who visits daily. There isn’t really anyone else other than her siblings who can help with this.

I’m wondering whether to call DH’s aunt (they’re close), explain what’s happening and see if there’s any light she can shed on why MIL might be acting the way she is? She’s always been a centre of attention type, but never like this.

WTF do I do?

He must’ve said something or she wouldn’t have known you’d even gone for a scan. He must’ve told her you weren’t there.

I feel like you like the drama a bit. Stop telling her baby info, no that doesn’t mean saying ‘I’m not telling you’ (really how childish) but just say yes fine, now news to report. Change the locks so she can’t just come over and start limiting contact a bit so it’s not expected to be daily visits once the baby arrives

@PeaPeaEeByGum I missed that bit where I said that. I didn’t say you couldn’t comment, I said it was unhelpful. If you think she’s being unreasonable to her MIL, perhaps explain why You think that and what you think should be done about it. Just launching in there and saying she’s an awful person isn’t particularly kind/constructive.

She’s never had a loss, no. The worst she had was spotting at 20 weeks with DH and was told ‘you could be having an abortion’ by an unsympathetic GP. She thinks this is comparable to my miscarriages. She knew about my first 5 miscarriages, but she kept posting them on Facebook with cryptic descriptions, and when someone asked what was wrong she kept using the phrase ‘pregernaught lost another one’ which still haunts me. I posted about the wave of light for baby loss awareness week and a post about my experience of baby loss a year ago, That’s how she knows about the rest.

You need to learn the 'Arm's reach' approach OP. It becomes second nature after a while.

• Change the locks.
• Arrange times when you're going to see her - stick to it and try and make it at her house (if it's allowed).
• Be in touch but monitor closely what you say to her and keep everything a bit vague ie: due date? ''Oh they keep moving it! Do you know at this point i've no idea if it's going to be end of March or early April!! LOL. Baby's fine though and that's all that matters''.
• Give any news ''too late'' and underplayed - ie: oh yes last week i went for an extra check up at the hospital but everything is fine! How's the weather been ....
• Let her do/buy what she wants to do/buy but promise nothing about you or DH using/wearing/committing to anything. Vague vague vague.

Practice this for the next 4 months and you'll be good at it by the time the baby comes and she'll be getting used to being less intensely involved hopefully.

She sounds mentally ill 😣

And yes i'd definitely get DH to have a word with his Aunt and ask if she feels MIL's behavior has veered into the very weird in her opinion.

@HoppingPavlova

No idea what possessed your DH to tell her you had gone for a scan etc. Just keep any conversation confined to the weather, lack of bees etc.

That's my thought too tbh.

She maybe feels she can act as she does as you involve her so much?

My MIL was told that I was pregnant when it suited us to tell her, was given scan pictures & told when the baby had arrived!

I'm not sure that I told my own mum much more that that tbh.

My MIL was quite like this, and the whole family entertained it. My DD was described as HER baby. Made me feel sick, especially as like you I was worried about losing the baby. From very early days she said she was buying cribs Moses baskets changing mats etc, planning on changing her house around to accommodate having DD all the time, planning how she was going to have DD while I was back at work... I had no intention of her looking after DD ever!! Let alone full time childcare! She basically talked about my DD as if someone was buying a baby for her to have. My DH entertained it and didn't see the issue, until I was in the last trimester and he could see my big heavy bump and understand what I was going through. Then he became very on my side about it, so you're lucky your DH already is!!! What I would say is that once DD arrived it all became much better. I breastfed, so DD needed to be with me a lot and I could take myself away when they were round when she was a newborn. MIL did actually calm down a lot, and sees DD about once a month of her own choosing so it's all become a non issue now. It will be very clear when baby is here that this is YOUR BABY not hers. Pregnancy is a very difficult hormonal time so I feel for you. Try to ride it out, and enjoy your lovely baby when they arrive!

Oh ,sorry I see she is posting about your miscarriages on Facebook.
That’s not good no ..that’s intrusive,and insensitive,and over involved,and hurtful ,she had no right to post on Facebook about you ,

@Pregernaught

She’s never had a loss, no. The worst she had was spotting at 20 weeks with DH and was told ‘you could be having an abortion’ by an unsympathetic GP. She thinks this is comparable to my miscarriages. She knew about my first 5 miscarriages, but she kept posting them on Facebook with cryptic descriptions, and when someone asked what was wrong she kept using the phrase ‘pregernaught lost another one’ which still haunts me. I posted about the wave of light for baby loss awareness week and a post about my experience of baby loss a year ago, That’s how she knows about the rest.

You know if she’s in her 60s they wouldn’t have known about the early losses? I’m 51 and when I had my oldest who is now in his 30s I only knew when I missed my second period. And preg tests were prohibitively expensive and the doctor wouldn’t test until you missed your second period.

@Tadpolesandfroglets so it’s unhelpful not to agree? This is AIBU.

I read the OP, I decided the way the OP talked about her MIL made her sound as much of a drama llama as the MIL is. I could break it down more for you but I don’t have time right now.

She's a narcissist. My ex MIL was one.
As soon as I was pregnant she purchased baby clothes and kept them in the wardrobe in her spare bedroom - "clothes for my baby" she said.

When baby was born she announced on Facebook - we were also undecided between two names and she chose the one she liked better to make announcement with.

She wanted to show the baby off to all her friends and family, she would arrange her sister to come from two hours away for the day to see the baby when baby was only a few days old and I was not sleeping. She would hold the baby for lengthy periods pretty much refusing to hand her back and it made me feel like running out of the house with the baby. She pushed us to come for a lunch out at a restaurant with her, again when I was not sleeping and having severe anxiety...she walked into restaurant holding baby shouting "my baby hello my baby" so everyone would look and coo.

I still resent her 12 years later.

@Laiste that’s cracking advice, thank you.

For those saying we ‘love the drama’ Im not sure how to respond to that. I don’t ‘love’ having my pregnancy joy stolen, I don’t enjoy adding to my already understandable anxiety about this pregnancy, I don’t enjoy having to caveat every future thing I want to look forward to with ‘yeah but how will MIL take it’, and I certainly don’t enjoy having my miscarriages used as a weapon against me for why I might not be a suitable parent and why I need all her advice so I don’t ‘lose another one’.

I’m probably quite traumatised by all that’s happened, she doesn’t make it easier so no, I don’t ‘love it’.

At 16 weeks I don't think we'd barely even told anyone I was pregnant.

Goodness gracious the drama.

You need to explode at her and tell her to stay the fuck away. I know that sounds hard but she needs a good sharp shock. Take no crap.

OP keep her away from you when baby is born. With your instincts and hormones, it can actually be very traumatic to have a narcissistic MIL who does everything she can to 'own' the baby when she's around you. It's really fucked up and makes you feel awful.

Like I said I still feel resentful to this day - she really ruined a lot of that time for me.

Oh god my mum was like this 'her'baby etc. My mums just obsessed with babies, she wanted more when we were children but had an emergency hysterectomy so always felt cheated out of the squillions of babies she wanted I think.
Now my dc are older (8 and 9) she couldnt be less bothered.
Can you sit down just the two of you and talk about it? Maybe shes gone through terrible losses the same way that you have

You do need very firm boundaries and to assert that there should be no further stressful shenanigans, say you've been reading about stress etc and want to be as zen as possible.

Also, why did you ask your DH to put his mum on speaker? That’s really intrusive - isn’t he allowed to deal with his mum? Isn’t he allowed to talk to his own mum without you listening in to what is being said?

Sounds like a horrible situation. She sounds very unwell. You sound angry and fed up. I think she needs help which I think you need to calmly arrange and support her with. If she refuses to take help then I think you're within your rights to refuse to see her until she behaves appropriately.

Unplug the phone, set your boundaries but I think she also needs help referring to her baby and to be frank molesting you in your own home.
You need to be ascertive, your body, hands off.

Perhaps something along the lines of "MIL, we know you are excited about OUR baby but the stress is not helping. We need time to get used to the changes that come with planning to be a parent. You 've been there, and it's a special time for the parents but we recognise being a grandparent will have its challenges but if you respect us please give us space ".

Then stop drip feefing. Talk about the weather, the TV etc.

Keep emphasising that you will be the parents & she will be the GP.
It does sound like she needs a referral, or could the Aunt shed some light on her behaviour?

Sit her down with your husband. Establish some boundaries. Make it very clear what is/isn’t acceptable. Explain why it’s making you anxious (and therefore not great for the baby). Change locks. Maybe talk about phone calls too, how often they are acceptable. Believe me it’s not going to get better after the baby is born, you need to be very firm now to prevent any misunderstandings/difficulties later on.

Yanbu op.

She sounds awful and very hard work. I'd get your husband to have a chat with her about how her behaviour is making you feel.

Also, for the thinly veiled judgy ‘well I hadn’t told anyone at 16 weeks, you’re SO EARLY’ comments - when you’ve had as much trauma surrounding pregnancy and loss as I have you can talk to me about when is an appropriate time to tell people you’re expecting the first baby you’ve ever made that didn’t die before you got to love it. I will tell people about my pregnancy whenever the fuck I want to, you’re not morally superior because you kept your baby secret until it had a mortgage.

I feel sorry for her.she is on her own and her only child (Who she brought up to be the man you love)is having a baby,this could be her only grandchild.she is obviously excited and wants to be involved.I only have boys and I dread the day they get married because if mumsnet is anything to go by I won’t be able to do anything without being a villain!