MIL - WTF do we do?

[Pregernaught]

I posted before about MIL buying a next to me crib for her house and passing on questionable vintage baby advice. I thought I’d nipped it in the bud, she’s been ok for a few weeks but last night we had another issue and I’m not sure whether to start winding down contact with her or try one more time to put my foot down?

I’m now 16 weeks, MIL has been buying bits of clothes etc which is totally fine, I’ve just asked that she doesn’t bring them to my house until I’m 28 weeks or more (I’ve had miscarriages, I’m superstitious etc). MIL pulled a face at this but whatever, I asked her not to buy things early on but she went ahead so her choices, not mine.

Anyway, I had a bit of bleeding last week (nothing serious, cervical irritation it turned out) so I went to see the midwife who sent me for a quick scan just to check baby was ok and all is well. DH was on the phone to MIL when I got back from the hospital and had his ‘wtf’ face on, so I asked him to put her on speaker and the first thing I heard was enormous, dramatic fake sobs. I asked what had happened, and apparently DH had mentioned I’d gone for a scan to check all was ok and MIL had immediately decided my bleeding was because she’d bought things Too early and it was all her fault and how could she live with herself for (wait for it)... KILLING HER BABY!

Ummmmmm... who’s baby?

I said ‘MIL I’m going to hang up now and we can talk when you’re acting more appropriately, night’ in a very flat tone.

30 mins later just as we were settling down to eat, cue MIL walking straight in to the house (she always does this) still sobbing. I stood up to tell her to get the fuck out, but was stopped when she walks straight up to me, puts her hands on my intestines (no where near where baby is right now!) and starts whimpering ‘oh I thought I’d lost you baby!’ At my empty stomach.

DH hit the roof and told her she was acting like a complete head case and to go home, we’d call her to talk when we were ready. She left. We just stood completely lost for words for a few seconds before DH started apologising a lot.

So, obviously we change the locks and don’t give her a key, but how on earth do we address the fact that this attention seeking madness is likely a sign that she’s become quite unwell whilst still protecting ourselves from it? DH is an only child and MIL lives alone although she has a gentleman friend who visits daily. There isn’t really anyone else other than her siblings who can help with this.

I’m wondering whether to call DH’s aunt (they’re close), explain what’s happening and see if there’s any light she can shed on why MIL might be acting the way she is? She’s always been a centre of attention type, but never like this.

WTF do I do?

No idea what possessed your DH to tell her you had gone for a scan etc. Just keep any conversation confined to the weather, lack of bees etc.

Whilst she does sound a bit deranged, I don't think she's done anything horrible? Other than making it about her I suppose. I would just limit contact as much as possible, don't give her a key to your house, don't tell her you're in labour until baby has arrived and you're ready for her to come and visit and just ignore her buying stuff, if she wants to waste her money let her. As for her taking the baby, you really don't have to let her have the baby on her own unless you want her to. Try to relax. Sounds like your DH is good at sticking up for you, so let him deal with her.

Why are you guys telling her so much information - you are only 16 weeks!

Just tone it back don’t tell her much! Stop talking about the baby, stop having conversations about things she’s bought :m/ wants to buy - leave her to it and just refuse anything she tried to bring to your house.

This is only going to continue otherwise!

I’m 22 weeks and I mostly keep anything baby realised to myself - I’ve shared that the scans went ok and how I’m feeling when I speak to my mum or mil - but that’s about the extent of it

You Guys are really feeding her behaviour a bit - Why was your husband even telling her about your hospital visit? Just tell her less.

I think your DH needs to have a conversation with her in a polite way asking her to calm down as her behaviour is adding additional stress on an already stressful situation.

Change the locks, don’t give her any detail in conversation. Keep it superficial and controlled in terms of frequency.

My grandmother starting behaving like this when she developed alzheimers. It was very dramatic and upsetting and at the same time she wrapped her car round a tree. It was a steady descent downwards from there.

She is being overbearing but also ( and appreciate you may never have had this convo as who would ) is DH possibly an only child because she couldn't conceive anymore so therefore to her this baby could be hugely important and also triggering. It may explain some of her behaviour.

I think you need to try somehow to have a rational chat to her again if possibly.

One thing that did strike me form your post is you mentioned she is excited for her not you.. that is allowed she's allowed to be excited for herself it's a grandchild and from the sounds of it a much wanted one .

Hopefully you guys can have a rational conversation and it's good you have changed the locks

If he knows she's like this why did he tell her about scan?

No need to put her on speaker and add to the spectacle though.

@user1493494961

Why was DH on the phone giving her an update, stop telling her anything. It does sound as if you enjoy the drama.

This.

There was no need for your husband to tell her anything.

There was no need for him to put her on speaker and involve you in any of this.

She has no right to walk into your home and your husband should never have given her keys and allowed her to do this.

I think it’s HIM who Loves the drama and enjoys the thought of two women fighting over him and soon fighting over his baby.

Unless you are also enjoying this OP you need to opt out of it all. Being involved with her like this is ENTIRELY your choice.

If you don’t like It, stop.

Could this be triggering something for her? Has she had late miscarriages or a still birth?

Give yourself the ability to distance yourself from her.

Stop DH answering the phone to her daily - make it twice weekly or something.

Change the locks, and get in the habit of locking the door when you are inside. Ideally with a key. Then you can lose your anxieties of MIL taking your child out, because she won’t be able to leave the house!

Does she know about your other miscarriages? () - I would suspect this is also a much wanted grandchild for her - perhaps she's over invested a bit but agree with others that she's probably just focusing on it a bit too much. Perhaps a gentle chat would work rather than threats of throwing her out/ cutting off phone calls etc - all sounds a bit dramatic. And I do agree about buying stuff too early - I didn't want the pram in the house til baby was home and I am not generally superstitious at all!

I don’t think we do tell her much, she constantly asks how the baby is (never how I am) and we reply ‘fine’. That’s it for the most part. It would be very odd to reply ‘none of your business’ or ‘not telling you’ wouldn’t it? He only mentioned I’d gone for a quick scan because she literally asked where I’d gone and it’s not in DH’s nature to even think about lying in that situation. We often don’t answer the phone when she calls and we’re busy, but if we don’t she continually calls every 15 minutes until we answer so we’ve just learned it’s better to answer, confirm we’re fine and try to keep the conversation short. I don’t give her a blow by blow account of my pregnancy

I don’t know
I always find on Mumsnet very little sympathy for mil
If you have boy babies ,one day you will be that mil ,with a dil ,and you to could be super excited by a grandchild ,with very little else in your life ,and a dil keeping you at arms length, when all you want is to help and be involved.
Like I said
She is the only mum your dh has ,so show her some understanding and kindness ,as that might be you one day ,in the same situation.

@Pringlemonster - why do you say that she is elderly?! She could be in her 50s of maybe 60s - a long way off elderly yet.
Also, being elderly or somebody's mother does not give anyone the right to behave as inappropriately as OP's MIL has. OP also has covid and additional worries to think about (after 13 tragic losses I doubt very much this is a stress-free pregnancy for her) and doesn't deserve to have all this nonsense from a baby-crazed MIL who is behaving appallingly.

Just stop answering the phone. I still some boundaries. She will get the message eventually.

Instill some boundaries

She sounds quite unwell to me. She seems unable to help herself and it must be frightening for her as well.

Try to get her to see her GP and try to retain some sympathy for her, she may not be able to help herself.

You have a DH problem.

He needs to stop giving her details.

Then just you stay out of things with her going forward! Husband can answer the phone-talk to her - you go low contact. And your husband could have just said we were out for the day and gave no further information! She didn’t need to know you were at the hospital.

Husband probably needs to tell her to back off and stop calling constantly.

Don’t make a big deal about the stuff she buys - just say that’s nice or ok. She’s looking for a reaction from you and she gets it.

Did you not say on your other thread she would be having baby when you go back to work?

I'd have changed the locks too. Why on earth do people just walk into each other's houses? Does your DH do this on here?

You are not being too harsh, at all. IMO, you need to do the following.

• no info about you or the baby from now on

• ignore any dramatics, flying monkeys or emotional blackmail.

• Change the locks. If she just walks in now, she’ll not be able to help herself once baby is here. You need to ascertain, that this is your home and she cannot just walk in (my in-laws had a key to our home and always knocked on the door).

Also, you’ve had loses and will be a little anxious. You do not need her hysterics to put under any more pressure.

Locks, key, stop telling her anything about your pregnancy and definitely don't tell her when you're in labour cos otherwise she'll be at the delivery suite ready to pounce. She doesn't sound ill, she just sounds like a very tiresome attention seeker.