MIL - WTF do we do?

[Pregernaught]

I posted before about MIL buying a next to me crib for her house and passing on questionable vintage baby advice. I thought I’d nipped it in the bud, she’s been ok for a few weeks but last night we had another issue and I’m not sure whether to start winding down contact with her or try one more time to put my foot down?

I’m now 16 weeks, MIL has been buying bits of clothes etc which is totally fine, I’ve just asked that she doesn’t bring them to my house until I’m 28 weeks or more (I’ve had miscarriages, I’m superstitious etc). MIL pulled a face at this but whatever, I asked her not to buy things early on but she went ahead so her choices, not mine.

Anyway, I had a bit of bleeding last week (nothing serious, cervical irritation it turned out) so I went to see the midwife who sent me for a quick scan just to check baby was ok and all is well. DH was on the phone to MIL when I got back from the hospital and had his ‘wtf’ face on, so I asked him to put her on speaker and the first thing I heard was enormous, dramatic fake sobs. I asked what had happened, and apparently DH had mentioned I’d gone for a scan to check all was ok and MIL had immediately decided my bleeding was because she’d bought things Too early and it was all her fault and how could she live with herself for (wait for it)... KILLING HER BABY!

Ummmmmm... who’s baby?

I said ‘MIL I’m going to hang up now and we can talk when you’re acting more appropriately, night’ in a very flat tone.

30 mins later just as we were settling down to eat, cue MIL walking straight in to the house (she always does this) still sobbing. I stood up to tell her to get the fuck out, but was stopped when she walks straight up to me, puts her hands on my intestines (no where near where baby is right now!) and starts whimpering ‘oh I thought I’d lost you baby!’ At my empty stomach.

DH hit the roof and told her she was acting like a complete head case and to go home, we’d call her to talk when we were ready. She left. We just stood completely lost for words for a few seconds before DH started apologising a lot.

So, obviously we change the locks and don’t give her a key, but how on earth do we address the fact that this attention seeking madness is likely a sign that she’s become quite unwell whilst still protecting ourselves from it? DH is an only child and MIL lives alone although she has a gentleman friend who visits daily. There isn’t really anyone else other than her siblings who can help with this.

I’m wondering whether to call DH’s aunt (they’re close), explain what’s happening and see if there’s any light she can shed on why MIL might be acting the way she is? She’s always been a centre of attention type, but never like this.

WTF do I do?

Crossed posts and saw you've been together since 13 years old, so I'll acknowledge that but it doesn't change my opinion.

Congratulations on the pregnancy.

OP, if there is a radical difference in your MIL's behaviour, I think it does justify talking to her sister about it, if only to rule out early dementia.

Of course we're a unit, we've been together since we were 13 years old.

I’m not sure this matters, and I certainly would never put my MIL on loudspeaker during a call with her son. But anyway, you go on. It doesn’t appear it will ever cross your mind that you might not be completely in the right, so...

I think she sounds fucking barking. And I'd absolutely be changing the locks and limiting what I communicate to her.

I think DH needs to sit down with her and tell her to pack it in. She's not a lonely elderly woman. She's early 60s and sees friends and family daily.

@Floating662 read my last thread. She absolutely did post that, multiple times. As I said, it's a phrase that absolutely haunts me and I haven't been able to shake it, hence why i mention it in both threads.

Tell her much much less.

And ask for a sm blackout. And if she doesn’t abide by that then block her on all Sm and change your settings to private.

@Yesreallyreally

I think you love it. The control, the drama. Imagine telling your husband he had to put his telephone call to his mother on loud speaker, and then ending the call for them by saying she can speak to him when she is more ‘appropriate’.

If the MIL is behaving like a hysterical child then she is bound to be treated as such.

WOW.

13 losses and she's acting like this?

You and the baby are top priority. DH is on side, which is great.

You must change the locks immediately and keep the doors locked all the time.

Tell her nothing.

Good luck op. No pregnant woman needs this stress never mind you.

Really hard OP.

You have fine nothing wrong.

I do think your DH needs to have a calm direct conversation with her and ask her why she is being so intense and involved.

He can tell her the difference between asking about you, his wife, and asking about the baby. And tell her that referring to the baby as hers is very intrusive. Yes she will be the grandmother but the baby is not hers.

Also point out that the baby will be with its mother due to infancy and feeding , for a very long time and it is presumptive to kit her house out to have the baby at her house unaccompanied. That as the baby’s family you all need to be a team and her job as grandmother is to love the baby and as his Mum support him and his wife. Not take over.

He could ask her if she is feeling well, because her behaviour is over emotional and not rational and if she thinks her feelings are out of control she could visit her GP.

And finally “I’m serious Mum, I want you to be a good and happy grandma, but one more incident like this and you won’t be part of our team’.

@flaviaritt

Of course we're a unit, we've been together since we were 13 years old.

I’m not sure this matters, and I certainly would never put my MIL on loudspeaker during a call with her son. But anyway, you go on. It doesn’t appear it will ever cross your mind that you might not be completely in the right, so...

Your MIL is clearly not like this MIL.

@Yesreallyreally

I think you love it. The control, the drama. Imagine telling your husband he had to put his telephone call to his mother on loud speaker, and then ending the call for them by saying she can speak to him when she is more ‘appropriate’.

The MIL was sobbing hysterically down the phone – in that situation I would ask my OH to put her on speakerphone too to see if she was. I don't blame OP for saying what she did either. She'd just come back from a nerve-wracking scan to check her baby was okay after multiple previous miscarriages and her bonkers MIL is making it all about her. Frankly, I'd have been ruder.

@Floating662, loads of people get excited about their first grandchild without feeling the need to burst into their son's home sobbing and start grabbing their DIL's stomach, even if they are worried she might have miscarried. Especially in circumstances when that risks spreading covid.

The suggestion that something OP says might not be true simply because it comes in a later post is pretty offensive and unwarranted. No OP can possibly anticipate in a first post every single query and issue that might come up, if they tried they would be writing epics.

@Floating662

She's a narcissist.

I don't know how you've concluded that from anything the OP has said? It looks less sinister from where I'm sitting.

If your DH is an only child it may well be that this has always been the dynamic between them.

That dynamic continues into adulthood and then he meets you and starts a family, she doesn't realise she's doing anything wrong by remaining so involved (ok maybe a little OTT sometimes but only ever out of love) as your husband has never had a problem with her before.

She is allowed to be excited about becoming a grandparent.

I've never understood this weird me VS her thing on mumsnet with DIL's and MIL's, where the DIL is hell bent on painting the MIL as some type of monster and pitting the DH against his mother by insisting he lay down some impenetrable boundaries when all the woman has done is welcome the DIL into the fold and treat her like family.

There are MIL's out there who truly are a nasty piece of work but I'm just not seeing that from this post. Call me cynical but I doubt she really was posting "pregernaught has lost another one" on Facebook as that was drip fed in later when people started sticking up for the MIL.

I don't think you have to "do" anything about her, if you want less contact then just stop answering the phone as much. I don't think it's fair to drive a wedge between your DH and his mother though and that's the impression I'm getting.

It's classic narcissist behaviour. Absolutely self absorbed, no empathy, desperate for attention. Using baby to harvest narcissistic supply.

Your MIL is clearly not like this MIL.

Again, I don’t think that matters. It’s unbelievably rude behaviour. But fine, clearly others disagree.

She’s off her rocker. Back away. This baby is not hers. She needs to develop some perspective.

I’m a big scared of your MIL 😐

Word dropped off my sentence. Meant to say "The MIL was sobbing hysterically down the phone – in that situation I would ask my OH to put her on speakerphone too to see if she was okay."

@flaviaritt

Your MIL is clearly not like this MIL.

Again, I don’t think that matters. It’s unbelievably rude behaviour. But fine, clearly others disagree.

I certainly disagree. I'd certainly be reacting in the same way as OP.

It's incredibly rude of the MIL to make this all about her, particularly in light of OPs many miscarriages.

YANBU, your MIL sounds mentally unwell.

Someone I know through work has sadly been diagnosed with early dementia - she's in her 50s. Some of the first signs involved massive over-dramatics when she kept misinterpreting simple questions as personal attacks and getting desperately upset over them, and making everything about her. That's one of the things that makes me wonder whether dementia could be a factor for your MIL.

Can’t believe OP is having to defend herself here - MIL sounds like she has serious mental health issues and whilst I would definitely take steps to try and help her, I absolutely would not leave her alone with my baby under any circumstances.

I think your husband is giving her more information than you think. Unless she jumped straight from she's gone for a scan to 'I killed my baby by buying clothes'. I would think at the least your husband stated that you had gone for the scan because of spotting.
That said - no matter what your husband said her reaction is completely unreasonable. I would get your husband to ring her and tell her in no uncertain terms that due to her behaviour stressing you out, you don't want to hear from or see her until you contact her.
The important person to consider at this time is your unborn child. You stressing out is not helpful.

Also, 53-27 is 26. That’s many years later than I had my first. Perhaps things changed in the intervening years. I'm in my 60s and home pregnancy tests weren't available when I was first pregnant, 1971. They hadn't arrived in the UK by then, just had a google and they weren't available until 1978 and were different to the simple tests we have now and Clearview (the first of the modern tests as far as I know) was introduced in 1988. So yes many of us had babies when cheap, simple, over the counter tests weren't available. You could, by about the mid 70s, get a test at your local pharmacy (although they were generally called a chemist in those days.)

Scans were different as well, the hospital where I had my first didn't do scans, they just didn't have the very expensive equipment. The main maternity hospital in my city had one but they weren't anything like the quality we have now, my husband's cousin was the medical physicist running the service and even he said how poor they were.

I had a 20 year gap between DC1 and DC4, I think the only thing that was the same was the basic biology, the rest had changed beyond recognition e.g. no shaving, no automatic enema, the rate of CS, how long you stayed in hospital and of course scans are pretty routine everywhere and pregnancy tests are available and cheap.

She sounds unwell and I feel sorry for her. If you think she’s not right then you need to contact her GP or rather, your DH should. (I’m not saying I don’t understand and I too would be angry/wtf).
Stop telling her things, particularly if it’s likely to consume her.

The problem is that you are sending inconsistent messages to your MIL. You don't want her to know stuff, yet you have her on your social media and your DH is still sharing details with her.

You don't want her knowing every sniff and sneeze of your lives, yet you both continue to answer her daily calls. By continuing to answer the phone when she repeatedly calls back, you're telling her that all she has to do is be persistent to get what she wants.

You need a very clear and firm line in the sand. Your H needs to have a conversation with her about boundaries and tell her that she's not having daily updates anymore. He also needs to tell her that she's not 'having' the baby, and that if she doesn't rein it in then you will both take a huge step back from her. Take her off your social media. Unplug the landline and send her calls to voicemail in the evening.

You may find that she's just hugely excited about the baby. And by letting her know where she stands in terms of boundaries, then hopefully all of you, including the baby, can have a good relationship with her.

Also, MiL was pregnant in the late 80's not the 60's. DH is 31. She fell pregnant with him 2 months after marrying FiL and even if she did have early losses she never knew about, the point is she never knew, so hasnt in any way been through the trauma of pregnancy loss. I know about the 'abortion' comment because she told me after my 2nd or 3rd loss (can't remember) as a 'well think how i felt!' comparison between our loss and her experience. I was about 23 at the time and in hindsight, far too young to be dealing with pregnancy loss. Again, forgiving her for this is a struggle.

I have PCOS, DH and I started trying after uni when we were about 21. it's been 10 years. Through vigilant ovulation tracking, temping, meds etc we've managed to fall pregnant once a year and sometimes more than once in a year so we haven't qualified for any help for my PCOS and irregular cycles. Despite recurrent losses, we dont qualify for help with that either because of my PCOS, weight and autoimmune issue. As you can imagine, it's been hell on earth for a very long time. This is our 'it's been a long time, lets give up, get drunk and have sex for fun' baby and we are understandably anxious but overjoyed in equal measure.

I think my plan is to try to explain MiL's behaviour back to her from our perspective and tell her how it makes us feel. If she can't empathise and correct, then we'll gradually reduce contact and DH will start installing boundaries.

I think part of the problem is she's known me since I was a child, so she still sees me as a 13 year old snogging her son outside the back gate on our way home from school and not as an adult who married him.