MIL - WTF do we do?

[Pregernaught]

I posted before about MIL buying a next to me crib for her house and passing on questionable vintage baby advice. I thought I’d nipped it in the bud, she’s been ok for a few weeks but last night we had another issue and I’m not sure whether to start winding down contact with her or try one more time to put my foot down?

I’m now 16 weeks, MIL has been buying bits of clothes etc which is totally fine, I’ve just asked that she doesn’t bring them to my house until I’m 28 weeks or more (I’ve had miscarriages, I’m superstitious etc). MIL pulled a face at this but whatever, I asked her not to buy things early on but she went ahead so her choices, not mine.

Anyway, I had a bit of bleeding last week (nothing serious, cervical irritation it turned out) so I went to see the midwife who sent me for a quick scan just to check baby was ok and all is well. DH was on the phone to MIL when I got back from the hospital and had his ‘wtf’ face on, so I asked him to put her on speaker and the first thing I heard was enormous, dramatic fake sobs. I asked what had happened, and apparently DH had mentioned I’d gone for a scan to check all was ok and MIL had immediately decided my bleeding was because she’d bought things Too early and it was all her fault and how could she live with herself for (wait for it)... KILLING HER BABY!

Ummmmmm... who’s baby?

I said ‘MIL I’m going to hang up now and we can talk when you’re acting more appropriately, night’ in a very flat tone.

30 mins later just as we were settling down to eat, cue MIL walking straight in to the house (she always does this) still sobbing. I stood up to tell her to get the fuck out, but was stopped when she walks straight up to me, puts her hands on my intestines (no where near where baby is right now!) and starts whimpering ‘oh I thought I’d lost you baby!’ At my empty stomach.

DH hit the roof and told her she was acting like a complete head case and to go home, we’d call her to talk when we were ready. She left. We just stood completely lost for words for a few seconds before DH started apologising a lot.

So, obviously we change the locks and don’t give her a key, but how on earth do we address the fact that this attention seeking madness is likely a sign that she’s become quite unwell whilst still protecting ourselves from it? DH is an only child and MIL lives alone although she has a gentleman friend who visits daily. There isn’t really anyone else other than her siblings who can help with this.

I’m wondering whether to call DH’s aunt (they’re close), explain what’s happening and see if there’s any light she can shed on why MIL might be acting the way she is? She’s always been a centre of attention type, but never like this.

WTF do I do?

you don't sound very nice, you told her to get the fuck out of your house?!

And I'd be cheering you on if you had. In circumstances like these, 'Nice' gets you walked over.

OP, On your list, I would not mention about alone time with the baby to her.

I would just focus other boundaries first and if she unable to follow through, then you can tell her that the baby can not go anywhere right now

Wow this is a lot!
Congratulations on your pregnancy!
She is not acting normal. Is your husband her only child? Because it sounds like this... i think you may be right on getting her a pet to care for. And setting boundaries, sitting her down and telling her what bothers you.
And breastfeed if you can. It is the best for the baby.

I remember your last post.

I don't know why but I feel a bit sorry that she was sobbing. But I dont know her. She could turn the tears on easily or she could be genuinely upset and concerned..

Either way she sounds very poorly, referring to you both saying she was so worried about you. Understandable but saying her baby is quite scary.

You need to deal with this as harsh as you have to be. She needs to control herself when the baby is here and respect your boundaries.

Glad to see another woman being vilified here based on one persons account. When it is you one day you may wish to be less harshly judged.

If I was acting like the MIL I would have hoped that my kids had told me I was acting bizarrely long before I'd got to the point of wailing and ruining what should be a happy time for my child and their spouse.

Do not offer unsupervised time with your baby. She will bring on the tears for overnights when you aren't ready, she will take a mile if you offer an inch.

My mil is like this. 10 years on she’s still the same. First she was possessive over her son - she started crying and throwing things because I washed his clothes. Not joking. She went even more crazy when my kids were born, especially eldest. I sometimes cannot cope and feel I will go crazy remember the past.

The only positive thing I can say is you are very very lucky to have your DH. My husband to this day can see no wrong in his mother. I actually went through first 5 years thinking I was odd and his family was normal and this is how possessive and protective “normal” mums are.

Strategies that work with me with the crazy cow - 1) I try to see the funny side. I know bloody difficult. She told me she doesn’t want me to take baby out without her, at time I flew into a rage but now I laugh when she says anything

2. think to yourself how you can utilise her. I use her for baby sitting when I need a break and just want to get stuff done around the house. She a crazy bit** but I know when it comes to my kids she would die for them.

you don't sound very nice, you told her to get the fuck out of your house?!

It’s ridiculous comments like this which gave me depression and be a doormat for the first 5 years of my marriage. Crazy idiots like you in here contributed to me not sticking up for myself.

God she sounds awful! I’m so pleased your husband was on your side. She sounds like a classic codependent parent who is trying to live her life through you and uses emotions to manipulate you. If you can’t go NC definitely try LC, she will be overbearing once the baby arrives. It sounds like she misses being centre of attention when she was pregnant and had a baby and is trying to steal your special moment for herself to make herself feel better. It wouldn’t surprise me if she is jealous you’re having a baby. Stay strong.

She’s an elderly lady
is she?

I had another thought OP. When your DH talks to her, he needs to tell her that she is upsetting you, and it has to stop. This might be important because otherwise whatever he says will be all about her. And this needs to be about you, and your needs, and he needs to spell it out to her that she is not doing you any good. You need less stress and less input from her. Do stop the daily phone calls - that is crazy and you will never be able to relax. You can both tell her that twice a week is plenty.

She’s probably just very excited about the baby. To be honest it sounds like you’ve been horrible to her, as much as she’s annoyed you. At least she’s interested in being a grandmother.

She should be excited by something else, in her own life.

@JenniferSantoro

She’s probably just very excited about the baby. To be honest it sounds like you’ve been horrible to her, as much as she’s annoyed you. At least she’s interested in being a grandmother.

Have you read all OPs posts? Op and her husband love their Dm/MIL but she has grossly overstepped the Mark. She ran in the house, didn’t say hello but instead grabbed OPs pregnant belly and called the baby ‘hers’. This lady wants OP to not breastfeed as it would be selfish to HER the MIL who wants to bottle feed her grandchild from day one! This is extreme and selfish behaviour. OP is trying to handle this in a caring manner as far as I can see. She does not need this stress in pregnancy especially.

The dog could go one of 2 ways.

1. it could work brilliantly and take the focus of your baby for her, so that she's more involved with it than you all.
2. the dog becomes her baby and is indulged beyond all reason, has to come to the house and every-fucking-where with her, including wherever the baby is.

Obviously there are other less extreme options as well - but it's a risk.
However, it would give you one potential advantage - assuming you don't have a dog yourself - you could say you don't want baby staying anywhere that is the dog's home for safety reasons.

But even if she's very excited, she doesn't have to be insulting/nasty, does she?

Hope you and DH had a productive chat last night @Pregernaught.

Let us know how things go @Pregernaught

How did the conversation go with your DH @Pregernaught? I hope things are better for you now.

Can you call her doctor and leave some information, as well as contacting her friend and getting their feedback. I understand if you feel too vunerarable to deal with her right now, what a nightmare, still I think you'd better try and hand it over to someone else..

I hope the conversation went well. If she cannot back down, I think you should be truthful and explain that not leaving you alone is causing you huge stress. She knows that stress is not good for the baby and she wants what is best for the baby, surely?

This really does need breaking down for her very clearly. Try to imagine how you’d talk to a toddler. It would be with love and care. But also explaining how it is for her and for you. She’s acting like a child and I think being very kind and loving to her, as though she were a child may help her to see things from other people’s POV. Then if she doesn’t stick to the boundary you have set, you can then to into assertive mode precisely because you have placed yourself in the role of adult.

MIL is always put on speakerphone because she likes to chat to both of us while we’re cooking/ eating etc

I couldn't face that EVERY evening. Her DS is 31, not 13.

Then if you don't answer, she flies round in a panic? She has serious issues.

The BF comments from her & her family are very disturbing.

I hope you get things sorted.

Also the fact that she is seeing 2 people a day through a pandemic and then letting herself into your house, whenever she wants is worrying to say the least

Far too intrusive and enmeshed. Very unhealthy and very clear boundaries need to be set immediately. I honestly don’t know how you haven’t cracked already, OP.

Your mil is also your husbands mother - its his relationship to manage not yours. Discuss with him then leave him to decide how he handles her. From yourside just keep out of the way.

@Pregernaught

Also, for the thinly veiled judgy ‘well I hadn’t told anyone at 16 weeks, you’re SO EARLY’ comments - when you’ve had as much trauma surrounding pregnancy and loss as I have you can talk to me about when is an appropriate time to tell people you’re expecting the first baby you’ve ever made that didn’t die before you got to love it. I will tell people about my pregnancy whenever the fuck I want to, you’re not morally superior because you kept your baby secret until it had a mortgage.

I completely agree with this! How dare people say this to you!! 😡 you'll tell people whenever you damn well please!! I'm so sorry to hear about your issues with MIL. I would say the best approach would be for the three of you to sit down and explain your concerns to her, and allow her to explain her concerns too. Just ensure that it isn't DH and you against MIL (but I'm sure you know that already). Tell her how hurtful and inappropriate it was that she shares your pregnancy losses over social media and how OTT she's been about everything. Hopefully this will fix things, but if not then I would probably just keep a distance from her if I were you. However, I would say that DH shouldn't keep a distance as that is his mother after all, unless he decides to, but that has to be a decision he makes, of course. (Again, I'm sure you know that ).