MIL - WTF do we do?

[Pregernaught]

I posted before about MIL buying a next to me crib for her house and passing on questionable vintage baby advice. I thought I’d nipped it in the bud, she’s been ok for a few weeks but last night we had another issue and I’m not sure whether to start winding down contact with her or try one more time to put my foot down?

I’m now 16 weeks, MIL has been buying bits of clothes etc which is totally fine, I’ve just asked that she doesn’t bring them to my house until I’m 28 weeks or more (I’ve had miscarriages, I’m superstitious etc). MIL pulled a face at this but whatever, I asked her not to buy things early on but she went ahead so her choices, not mine.

Anyway, I had a bit of bleeding last week (nothing serious, cervical irritation it turned out) so I went to see the midwife who sent me for a quick scan just to check baby was ok and all is well. DH was on the phone to MIL when I got back from the hospital and had his ‘wtf’ face on, so I asked him to put her on speaker and the first thing I heard was enormous, dramatic fake sobs. I asked what had happened, and apparently DH had mentioned I’d gone for a scan to check all was ok and MIL had immediately decided my bleeding was because she’d bought things Too early and it was all her fault and how could she live with herself for (wait for it)... KILLING HER BABY!

Ummmmmm... who’s baby?

I said ‘MIL I’m going to hang up now and we can talk when you’re acting more appropriately, night’ in a very flat tone.

30 mins later just as we were settling down to eat, cue MIL walking straight in to the house (she always does this) still sobbing. I stood up to tell her to get the fuck out, but was stopped when she walks straight up to me, puts her hands on my intestines (no where near where baby is right now!) and starts whimpering ‘oh I thought I’d lost you baby!’ At my empty stomach.

DH hit the roof and told her she was acting like a complete head case and to go home, we’d call her to talk when we were ready. She left. We just stood completely lost for words for a few seconds before DH started apologising a lot.

So, obviously we change the locks and don’t give her a key, but how on earth do we address the fact that this attention seeking madness is likely a sign that she’s become quite unwell whilst still protecting ourselves from it? DH is an only child and MIL lives alone although she has a gentleman friend who visits daily. There isn’t really anyone else other than her siblings who can help with this.

I’m wondering whether to call DH’s aunt (they’re close), explain what’s happening and see if there’s any light she can shed on why MIL might be acting the way she is? She’s always been a centre of attention type, but never like this.

WTF do I do?

Definitely limit what you tell her. You are fine, that’s all she needs to know.
Does your hospital do grandparent classes?? Or can you find one online. I’m not in the uk but where I live they are used to update grandparents on modern parenting techniques and to gently inform them of boundaries that most parents want. Eg you’ve raised your own kids back off plus don’t assume overnights.

I’d also get her sister on board

@nomdeplume2019 I didn’t and never have sworn at her or in front of her.

Also @nomdeplume2019 I literally said in that post I recognise that fear is irrational and likely linked to the trauma of miscarriage, it’s a bit much to call me unhinges don’t you think?

And ignore the women on this post making excuses for this woman. She is a narcissist.

@Wellshellsbells I feel sorry for her too, I really wish she could behave appropriately because we’d all have a much better time of it and she could be so much more involved if she did.

I didn't tell people as had previously had a late loss.

We are all different.

I couldn't have coped with all this as well as everything else.

All the best

@Heyahun

Why are you guys telling her so much information - you are only 16 weeks!

Just tone it back don’t tell her much! Stop talking about the baby, stop having conversations about things she’s bought :m/ wants to buy - leave her to it and just refuse anything she tried to bring to your house.

This is only going to continue otherwise!

I’m 22 weeks and I mostly keep anything baby realised to myself - I’ve shared that the scans went ok and how I’m feeling when I speak to my mum or mil - but that’s about the extent of it

You Guys are really feeding her behaviour a bit - Why was your husband even telling her about your hospital visit? Just tell her less.

This with bells on.

She is feeding off this. And change the locks today.

@Wellshellsbells would you rush hysterically into your DS and DIL’s house and touch her stomach without asking if that was ok. Is that the action of a sane person? It’s when MILs do things like that they get a bad reputation (I wouldn’t accept behaviour like that from my DM either so not just a dig at MILs)

@Pregernaught ignore the other judgy people on this post, you don't need to apologise for when and who you have announced your pregnancy to. People love being on their soap boxes on MN.

If I were you I'd also change the locks. I'm not convinced sitting her down to establish boundaries would help either, she sounds a little narcissistic so would probably react over emotionally and refuse to accept she was doing anything wrong. It's never her, it's always everybody else, right?

Change the locks, don't answer the phone as much no matter how often she calls, stop updating her on when scans are or what scares you're having, scale back the visits, be non committal when she talks about what she's buying (you don't have to use them, it's her money she's wasting).

Give yourself the next few months as breathing space and let her get the message herself from your distanced behaviour. Don't just discuss harder boundaries, act them out and stick to them.

The only person causing drama is MIL. There nothing wrong with ops DH mentioned a scan, any rational person would just say I hope it goes well ffs.
Don't change the locks just get DH to get your key back.
I had a MIL like this and I did catch her in the act of trying to smuggle toddler DD out of the house and take her away.

It's time for a serious sit down convo. Get her sister involved if it would help her not to feel ganged up on.
Tell her that walking into the house has to stop. You want privacy and peace when baby arrives.

Tell her to stop calling so frequently as it disturbs your relaxing time. DH will call her daily after dinner to say hi and catch up.
Tell her you won't be sharing every detail of your pregnancy with her as it's personal and private info and you are hurt that she posts on FB.
Tell her that you are anxious this pregnancy, and her histrionics are making the worry worse - surely she doesn't want you and DH to have to worry about her too while going through a longed for pregnancy that brings back such awful memories?
Tell her you love her, want her to be a loving and involved granny but that she's suffocating you both.

Be kind to her.

Why are you allowing her to call you every 15 mins?! It's mental!

OP didn't say that she was, @Nomorepies. She said that is what she does if they don't pick up the phone.

She sounds unwell. This isn't within the bounds of even the most generous definition of normal.

I would definitely speak to her sister to see if she's noticed any other odd behaviour.

I would definitely not let her do any child care. She doesn't sound well enough, apart from anything else.

And change the locks.

She's either a drama llama of epic proportions or she's got some MH issues going on - get your DH to speak to his aunt or grandmother and try to solve this crazy behaviour
Absolutely change your locks though - she can't just bust her way into your privacy like that

All you can do is stop telling her all the details and just tell her the things she 'needs' to know. It's not her baby and you need to put the boundaries in now, I think it's appalling and slightly disturbing that she's making your pregnancy about herself, I'm just glad your dh is on your side (although he does need to tell her outright she's being inappropriate and to stop updating her)

I think you love it. The control, the drama. Imagine telling your husband he had to put his telephone call to his mother on loud speaker, and then ending the call for them by saying she can speak to him when she is more ‘appropriate’.

I wonder if it’s worth her and your DH doing family counselling. She clearly has some kind of attachment issues and it may lead to some recommended treatment for how she sees the baby as hers.

You know if she’s in her 60s they wouldn’t have known about the early losses? I’m 51 and when I had my oldest who is now in his 30s I only knew when I missed my second period. And preg tests were prohibitively expensive and the doctor wouldn’t test until you missed your second period.

You must have lived somewhere strange. I'm in my 60s, doctors happily tested at two weeks past my first missed period for all five pregnancies (including three miscarriages), and pregnancy tests weren't that expensive.

OP has she seen a GP this could be a sign of either a mental health problem or early onset dementia.

All those saying the op was rude and needs to cut her mil some slack I suggest you re read the post

DH told her to go, and to be honest it’s good to see him on the. Ops side. After 13 losses she doesn’t need a batshit mil claiming all the attention and being so over dramatic

Personally I would now be moving to low contact and focusing on my, DH and the baby and keeping her well at arms length. Yes speak to the Aunt who may also be able to support

You've got a few loons on this thread, OPz who clearly over-identify with your MIL. You're not being in the least unreasonable. She sounds absolutely bonkers, and white unpleasant too. I'd assume she's having a complete breakdown, but from your comments about her past behaviour this doesn't sounds totally out of character unfortunately, albeit a more extreme version of her past behaviour. Very sensible to change the locks and limit contact. Congratulations on your pregnancy! (Also, 16 weeks isn't that early at all! Why are some people being so weird??)

@MoonJelly

You know if she’s in her 60s they wouldn’t have known about the early losses? I’m 51 and when I had my oldest who is now in his 30s I only knew when I missed my second period. And preg tests were prohibitively expensive and the doctor wouldn’t test until you missed your second period.

You must have lived somewhere strange. I'm in my 60s, doctors happily tested at two weeks past my first missed period for all five pregnancies (including three miscarriages), and pregnancy tests weren't that expensive.

I was in my teens (I’m 51, he’s in his 30s). Pregnancy tests were £20-£30 I didn’t have so were expensive to me and my GP refused to test me until I had missed another period when I went to him and said I thought I was pregnant.

I also didn’t get a scan until my 18 week anomaly scan.

In the UK.

I don’t know why people are saying that you’re somehow at fault... it doesn’t sound like you are feeding the drama at all.

It’s good that your DH takes her phone calls and that you aren’t expected to have phone calls with her. Keep it that way.

Agree with changing the locks.

Make an agreement with DH that he does not give any pregnancy related information - just “all fine”.

There’s absolutely no point in discussing things with her, she’s clearly not a rational person - she’ll probably just get upset and post it all on fb.

I know exactly how you feel with her not being happy for you... she’s happy for herself because she’s getting a grandchild. My MIL actually thanked me for getting pregnant.

Sounds like you’re doing all you can to manage the situation - all you can do is back off even more and leave DH to handle her.

You don't sound like you're enjoying the drama at all to me OP. I agree Laiste's advice is great. Ignore all the nasty sneerers. Of course you should be able to talk about your pregnancy without someone taking over.

When I had my first baby, which was when I was quite old and after a lot of trying, both my mother and my mother in law went out and bought stuff without asking me (I was superstitious too and was waiting to buy my stuff and really looking forward to it). So all the vests, romper suits etc well before I would have thought about it plus the baby mat. I was really upset. They'd both had three babies each and were both making it all about them. Incidentally neither of them helped at all when the baby arrived. I just think it's really rude to make someone else's much-awaited pregnancy about you and take away their pleasure in getting the first bits. I couldn't do much about my MiL but I made my mother take hers back.

Unfortunately you can't expect her to keep her own boundaries so you have to assert yours, quietly and consistently.