MIL - WTF do we do?

[Pregernaught]

I posted before about MIL buying a next to me crib for her house and passing on questionable vintage baby advice. I thought I’d nipped it in the bud, she’s been ok for a few weeks but last night we had another issue and I’m not sure whether to start winding down contact with her or try one more time to put my foot down?

I’m now 16 weeks, MIL has been buying bits of clothes etc which is totally fine, I’ve just asked that she doesn’t bring them to my house until I’m 28 weeks or more (I’ve had miscarriages, I’m superstitious etc). MIL pulled a face at this but whatever, I asked her not to buy things early on but she went ahead so her choices, not mine.

Anyway, I had a bit of bleeding last week (nothing serious, cervical irritation it turned out) so I went to see the midwife who sent me for a quick scan just to check baby was ok and all is well. DH was on the phone to MIL when I got back from the hospital and had his ‘wtf’ face on, so I asked him to put her on speaker and the first thing I heard was enormous, dramatic fake sobs. I asked what had happened, and apparently DH had mentioned I’d gone for a scan to check all was ok and MIL had immediately decided my bleeding was because she’d bought things Too early and it was all her fault and how could she live with herself for (wait for it)... KILLING HER BABY!

Ummmmmm... who’s baby?

I said ‘MIL I’m going to hang up now and we can talk when you’re acting more appropriately, night’ in a very flat tone.

30 mins later just as we were settling down to eat, cue MIL walking straight in to the house (she always does this) still sobbing. I stood up to tell her to get the fuck out, but was stopped when she walks straight up to me, puts her hands on my intestines (no where near where baby is right now!) and starts whimpering ‘oh I thought I’d lost you baby!’ At my empty stomach.

DH hit the roof and told her she was acting like a complete head case and to go home, we’d call her to talk when we were ready. She left. We just stood completely lost for words for a few seconds before DH started apologising a lot.

So, obviously we change the locks and don’t give her a key, but how on earth do we address the fact that this attention seeking madness is likely a sign that she’s become quite unwell whilst still protecting ourselves from it? DH is an only child and MIL lives alone although she has a gentleman friend who visits daily. There isn’t really anyone else other than her siblings who can help with this.

I’m wondering whether to call DH’s aunt (they’re close), explain what’s happening and see if there’s any light she can shed on why MIL might be acting the way she is? She’s always been a centre of attention type, but never like this.

WTF do I do?

You are pregant, she is mentally unstable. Keep her well well away.Selfish, narcissist.

Defo change the locks, I can’t stand the thought of anyone just walking into my house like that! And stop telling her anything she doesn’t absolutely need to know. Your DH needs to go round and see her and have a calm discussion and set out some firm boundaries about what you are and aren’t happy with, and if you don’t want to leave her alone with your child then don’t! When the issue arises- if it does- just get your dh to explain that her erratic behaviour in the past has made you both feel uncomfortable. Might be a bit harsh but she doesn’t sound like she’s in a good place right now. You can be firm but kind, don’t make her think you won’t let her see the grandchild, just let her know everything is on yours- the parents terms because it’s your baby not hers.

@ConquestEmpireHungerPlague I'm going to chat to DH tonight, whatever we do needs to be decided on together and mainly executed by him so he needs to be comfortable with the plan before we implement.

I think we say that recent events have shown us we need some boundaries because stress isn't good for the baby now or in the future, and we're now at a stage where we need to set the boundaries firmly and probably in writing.

They will be:
If she's coming round, she has to call us to ask permission first
She can't come to the house if we're not there and wait for us
She's not permitted to share details of my pregnancy on social media or with her friends and family
She needs to respect social distancing with us
We will call her to chat when we're free, she's not to call at meal times
She will not be having time with the baby alone until we as a family decide we're ready for that.
She can hold opinions on our parenting choices, she isn't welcome to push them to us or try to influence our choices.
She is a grandparent, she'll refer to the baby as her grandchild not her baby and will be expected to act as such.

Writing that out, it doesnt seem unreasonable to ask that of her surely.

You ask WTF you do.

Can you, would you....move away?

She dies sound absolutely unhinged. Sorry you are having to worry.

I am serious about moving away.

So does that mean that she’ll still have a key?

Also, with all due respect the first one is pointless unless you’re going to tell her no which doesn’t seem likely.

And all you’re doing is transferring whoever makes the phone calls first instead of saying out straight that there won’t be any more than two/three a week, for example.

The sharing details of the pregnancy one is actually unreasonable in my opinion, depending on what you mean.

What’s wrong with her saying “oh there’s two months to go” for example, if someone brings it up?!

Whatever you decide to do you need to do it now before baby arrives. Establishing boundaries after that is going to bring a whole new level of hell

@LittleTiger007 huuuge congratulations on your rainbow baby! I profoundly hope that things run smoothly for you from now on, you must be so completely over the moon that it's finally happening for you. The only thing I'd say (in my infinite 6 weeks more experience than you have ) is dont wait until 12 weeks to get excited that this is happening for you. Right now, right at this moment you're pregnant and that is brilliantly exciting. Have you had any scans so far?

@nibdedibblewe have looked in to moving away, the problem is in order to get far enough in our budget we'd also need to move far away from my parents who we love dearly and dont see enough of as it is . DH would need to relocate his job too which isn't possible in the times of Covid. May be one for future though.

[quote Pregernaught]@ConquestEmpireHungerPlague I'm going to chat to DH tonight, whatever we do needs to be decided on together and mainly executed by him so he needs to be comfortable with the plan before we implement.

I think we say that recent events have shown us we need some boundaries because stress isn't good for the baby now or in the future, and we're now at a stage where we need to set the boundaries firmly and probably in writing.

They will be:
If she's coming round, she has to call us to ask permission first
She can't come to the house if we're not there and wait for us
She's not permitted to share details of my pregnancy on social media or with her friends and family
She needs to respect social distancing with us
We will call her to chat when we're free, she's not to call at meal times
She will not be having time with the baby alone until we as a family decide we're ready for that.
She can hold opinions on our parenting choices, she isn't welcome to push them to us or try to influence our choices.
She is a grandparent, she'll refer to the baby as her grandchild not her baby and will be expected to act as such.

Writing that out, it doesnt seem unreasonable to ask that of her surely.[/quote]
Don't give her a key and that will take away the waiting bit.
Start by telling her she's not to come around unless she's invited. In time, if she behaves, you can relax a little and let her ask, but in the beginning it's best if you have control.

With the calls I'd give her a set time to call once or twice a week. If she has things to tell you outwith that she can text you and you will reply when you have time. If it needs to be discussed then you'll call her.

She will not be having time with the baby alone until we as a family decide we're ready for that.

Tweak that. That sounds like a guarantee she will get the baby alone at some point and invites the question of "are you ready yet?".

OP, the only thing you've done 'wrong' is post in AIBU and not Relationships.

Your MiL does sound a bit as though she's mentally ill.

Nothing you've told her so far is oversharing or unusual. Some couples are more private about their baby news, others more like you. And some share even more (the horror!)
What is unusual/worrying is her reaction to it.

So make a plan, stick to it and see how it goes.

Any further problems, ask in Relationships!

Good luck

Do you think she's actually having a breakdown and is psychotic (i.e. believes the baby is actually hers?) In which case you need her to get help. Or do you think she's just wayyyy over-invested in the idea of a grandchild and that's why she's gone way OTT in reaction to your bleeding, calling it 'her' baby etc.? It does seem very odd from what you say as it's so out of character. If you think she's just gone OTT your list above sounds perfectly reasonable.

@OhCaptain we need to clarify that one i think. She can share how far along I am etc, she can't share how big i am, how big my boobs have gotten, that my skin has cleared up, that i've had bleeding/ scares throughout the 1st trim, that im having extra growth scans for PCOS etc etc etc. All things she's shared on facebook as if they were all happening to her.
'Pregernaught is soooo sick today, I think it's a boy!'
'Pregernaught is looking pregnant now, cant wait to cuddle baby soon'
'DH wants a boy, Pregernaught wants a girl... I can't wait to meet him or her'
'So upset today, just hope baby is still ok'
'come on baby, be ok'
'i pray to god that he leaves baby here for us and doesnt take it away with the others' - the last 3 were posted 20 mins apart while i was at my 12 week scan... DH called her and made her delete them obviously.

What’s wrong with her saying “oh there’s two months to go” for example, if someone brings it up?!

Because if you read the OP's posts, you'll see that it isn't that sort of thing she's sharing. Nor is she responding to someone bringing it up. She's starting it.

X-post with OP...

Does she have a pet? It is quite common for people living alone to have pets they dote on like children. That might solve your immediate problem.

Mind you, your phone calls will become all about the kittens / guinea pigs and you'll soon be irritated she never mentions the baby

A good son would take her kitten shopping

Yikes it's good you are talking about this now as otherwise this lady could seriously impact your time with your baby. Hormones and tiredness after birth could make this doubly stressful to manage.

I think she sounds mentally unwell, her attachment boundaries sound skewed and for a few reasons I'm wondering about borderline personality disorder, symptoms are on a spectrum and vary from person to person. I think you are right to lay out your boundaries now and lock them in before your baby comes. She will not like it I'm sure and if my wondering are correct may come with angry attacks from her or deep guilt attacks of her being a very forlorn victim of you keeping her away from the baby. Whatever it is she seems to have an attachment already with the baby I'd be uncomfortable with.

Thank goodness your DH is on the same page as you, as you will need to be in this together.

Once boundaries in place enjoy the new physical & headspace! 💐

@notalwaysalondoner she's not psychotic. She doesn't believe the baby is hers although it sometimes feels that way. I think she just wants to relive having a child to care for, that was what gave her life meaning when she was young and she wants that again. She's also seen her sister enjoying being very involved with her grandson for the last few years. Grandson lives with MIL's sister so she's had a huge amount of involvement. The circumstances are totally different for us though. DH and I are in our 30's, mortgage, jobs etc. DH's cousin was 16/17, living at home, single and really frightened. MIL and her dSIS are close but very competitive, so I think that's a big part of it.

OP you have my sympathy. I have been there with one of dds grandmothers and it made an already difficult situation even harder for me. I had difficulties with the birth and had this grandparent sobbing down the phone at me telling me how hard it was for her!
Fortunately they live 200 miles away so didn't have them popping into the house as well. Also it's good that your DH is standing up for you both.
I don't know the solution but we did say things like "actually it's hard for us and we need people to support and help us at this time. If you able to help us that's good but we have to deal with it ourselves if you are unable to help".

[quote Pregernaught]@OhCaptain we need to clarify that one i think. She can share how far along I am etc, she can't share how big i am, how big my boobs have gotten, that my skin has cleared up, that i've had bleeding/ scares throughout the 1st trim, that im having extra growth scans for PCOS etc etc etc. All things she's shared on facebook as if they were all happening to her.
'Pregernaught is soooo sick today, I think it's a boy!'
'Pregernaught is looking pregnant now, cant wait to cuddle baby soon'
'DH wants a boy, Pregernaught wants a girl... I can't wait to meet him or her'
'So upset today, just hope baby is still ok'
'come on baby, be ok'
'i pray to god that he leaves baby here for us and doesnt take it away with the others' - the last 3 were posted 20 mins apart while i was at my 12 week scan... DH called her and made her delete them obviously.[/quote]
Yikes! That has to stop for sure.

Please do reconsider the calls to check for visits and the daily calls thing, @Pregernaught.

I think you need to be air tight, NO wiggle room in what you want because if she sees a weak spot she’ll relentlessly take advantage!

@PostItJoyWeek a few people have mentioned a pet and I think that's a cracking idea. I'll chat to DH tonight about perhaps getting her a pet. A little dog would be better, she travels in the UK to static caravans quite a lot which a little dog would fit well with. It would also get her out of the house and meeting people.

We'd obviously need to get her to agree to have a pet before we went ahead and make sure she'd look after it etc.

She does sound batshit but I was thinking you were being slightly (only slightly) OTT until I read what she put about you on FB. In all honesty I would have gone NC for that and that alone. No matter whether she is a sociopath, a narc or she is covered in sugar and calls herself Gerald. I would have been done at that point. She needs a muzzle and training like a dog if you are going to have anything to do with her!

Write that list out and send or email it to her and stick to it like frigging glue. I would add to it that if she oversteps it in any way, she has only two more strikes and you are done.

I feel for you OP. You can do without this shit.

Oh my it just gets worse! You poor thing! I’m so glad that your husband made her take down some of those posts! This is your journey and it’s for you to decide whether to post on FB or not. The pet idea is potentially a good one, she needs a focus for her misdirected attention. This has to be sorted before the baby arrives! I’m sure that your DH sitting with her and explaining how she is coming across will hopefully start her thinking, although it will also take you two being tremendously strong and laying down some ground rules. I really hope and pray that you have another miracle child soon all being well to help dissipate her misplaced overbearing affections! I also hope she just chills and enjoys her grandchild, this is such a special time and she’s bringing unnecessary extra stresses.
We haven’t had a scan yet (in answer to your Qu @Pregernaught). It’s all set up for next Saturday at 11 wks. We had a scan at 8 weeks last time, only to find it was all over and it was medically managed at 10 wks. We are excited, but cautiously so. I’m going to be terrified going to that scan, but we are getting it done privately so that my DH can be there too. (Unlike awful covid scan on my own before) Tears will roll whatever the outcome... hopefully they will be tears of joy and all will be well.
Good luck with your Mil and pregnancy

@Greysparkles

#bekind

Unless it's a MIL then you just cut contact apparently.

And what exactly is kind about exclaiming things about "killing a baby" to a pregnant woman who's just had a miscarriage scare. What is kind about being relieved that your unborn grandchild is OK but not giving a shit about the woman carrying it?

Def suggest the little dog idea to MIL. I got a dog after my divorce and that’s how I met my husband and (many other friends). I found quite a large dog walking community who I’d never previously known about! We would chat and meet for drinks in dog friendly bars... I met so many people including my eventual husband!
She needs a dog!

I just want to say that my heart goes out to you OP. This sounds really hard on lots of levels. I don't have an answer but I hope you find one. I've read lots of judgement from lots of different people in the thread and I don't think that's fair.

Please guard your health. She is toxic..