MIL - WTF do we do?

[Pregernaught]

I posted before about MIL buying a next to me crib for her house and passing on questionable vintage baby advice. I thought I’d nipped it in the bud, she’s been ok for a few weeks but last night we had another issue and I’m not sure whether to start winding down contact with her or try one more time to put my foot down?

I’m now 16 weeks, MIL has been buying bits of clothes etc which is totally fine, I’ve just asked that she doesn’t bring them to my house until I’m 28 weeks or more (I’ve had miscarriages, I’m superstitious etc). MIL pulled a face at this but whatever, I asked her not to buy things early on but she went ahead so her choices, not mine.

Anyway, I had a bit of bleeding last week (nothing serious, cervical irritation it turned out) so I went to see the midwife who sent me for a quick scan just to check baby was ok and all is well. DH was on the phone to MIL when I got back from the hospital and had his ‘wtf’ face on, so I asked him to put her on speaker and the first thing I heard was enormous, dramatic fake sobs. I asked what had happened, and apparently DH had mentioned I’d gone for a scan to check all was ok and MIL had immediately decided my bleeding was because she’d bought things Too early and it was all her fault and how could she live with herself for (wait for it)... KILLING HER BABY!

Ummmmmm... who’s baby?

I said ‘MIL I’m going to hang up now and we can talk when you’re acting more appropriately, night’ in a very flat tone.

30 mins later just as we were settling down to eat, cue MIL walking straight in to the house (she always does this) still sobbing. I stood up to tell her to get the fuck out, but was stopped when she walks straight up to me, puts her hands on my intestines (no where near where baby is right now!) and starts whimpering ‘oh I thought I’d lost you baby!’ At my empty stomach.

DH hit the roof and told her she was acting like a complete head case and to go home, we’d call her to talk when we were ready. She left. We just stood completely lost for words for a few seconds before DH started apologising a lot.

So, obviously we change the locks and don’t give her a key, but how on earth do we address the fact that this attention seeking madness is likely a sign that she’s become quite unwell whilst still protecting ourselves from it? DH is an only child and MIL lives alone although she has a gentleman friend who visits daily. There isn’t really anyone else other than her siblings who can help with this.

I’m wondering whether to call DH’s aunt (they’re close), explain what’s happening and see if there’s any light she can shed on why MIL might be acting the way she is? She’s always been a centre of attention type, but never like this.

WTF do I do?

Yes, can you move away?! This lady will turn up very frequently, locks changed or not - honestly, it may pay dividends that she has to call before popping in to ring the doorbell!!

OP I've read the thread, and what strikes me is that all your posts are responding to people who've criticised you and made assumptions about your behaviour, and you've felt you had to defend yourself. To some extent that's a natural reaction we all have, but you don't seem to be taking in what those people supporting you have said.

I think your comment about her making it all about her is spot on. She's self centred and attention seeking. Putting what she did on Facebook was appalling, but it meant that she got the attention and sympathy. She walks in whenever she wants, she has no consideration for you and DH, and from the way you've posted this was going on before you got pregnant. Think back. How was her behaviour to you both when pregnancy or miscarriage weren't in the picture?

She may be excited but she's overstepped the line massively. it sounds like she isn't interested in you during this pregnancy, you are just the vessel carrying her grandchild - or as she refers to him/her, her baby.

I don't think you're being harsh, because I suspect that this latest behaviour is the straw that broke the camel's back, rather than being an example of only occasional interference. You should be enjoying this time but you can't because you're dreading what she's going to do next. Talk to DH and come up with a proactive plan, rather than being reactive as you are currently. Take back control, because at the moment she is taking too much.

@PregernaughtI don’t know why you’re getting such a hard time. So sorry for everything you’ve been through and congratulations and you can tell people whenever you like about your pregnancy!

I would talk to the sister, say you are worried about mental health issues. Tell the MIL if she continues you will have to speak to her GP as you are worried about her. Seriously change the locks. She’s only early 60’s she’s not old! Tell her you will be phoning a few time’s a week not nightly. Change the locks!

Get your DH to talk to her sister and ask for advice. If you do it it will be seen as interfering. Do not let her have a key, knock the babysitting on the head early on and keep visits supervised until you know she's ok.

She sounds nuts. What an over reaction.

Worrying and being on edge is one thing. Even having a few years on private is normal. But that is ridiculous.

Please dont let suspicion get under your skin. Absolutely understandable that you don't want things too early that's different.

But babies do not die if a pram comes in the house early.

This came from in the older times when it was more common to loose babies and it wasn't the pram that had caused it. It was the mothers having to see the empty pram. Now a days it's thankfully much better and most babies survive.

I'm so sorry for your losses and I would step back from her. She sounds nuts. Interfering relatives are the worst. I never had any interfering like this luckily.

@Pringlemonster

I don’t know I always find on Mumsnet very little sympathy for mil If you have boy babies ,one day you will be that mil ,with a dil ,and you to could be super excited by a grandchild ,with very little else in your life ,and a dil keeping you at arms length, when all you want is to help and be involved. Like I said She is the only mum your dh has ,so show her some understanding and kindness ,as that might be you one day ,in the same situation.

Oh, come on. My DS is an only child and I wouldn’t dream of doing anything like this to DIL, who I adore. I’d love to FaceTime them every day and miss them and DGS terribly (we’re Tier 3 and they are 80 miles away) but would never intrude on their time and privacy in this way.

@aussietrina

Try to get her out of the habit of phoning everyday. Otherwise she will know you're at the hospital giving birth due to not answering the phone.

At the very least she needs to be told that if she rings and you don't answer she must not ring again because you are busy.

Repeatedly ringing until you answer isn't about being concerned, it's about being controlling and believing she is more important than anything you could possibly be doing.

stop reading what I write on mumsnet!

Yes, that post was extremely odd.
Wailing and hysteria is not helpful or acceptable. A child witnessing an adult behave like this is damaging and terrifying for them.

It sounds as though she was so stifled by her husband that she doesn't really no how to react-or when to keep those reactions to herself!

Why does she always call at dinner time & why do you entertain it?

It's lots of little things that maybe seem innocuous at the time & should have been stopped immediately that have built to all this maybe.

@diddl we don't 'entertain' it. We have tried not answering multiple times, she leaves a message, then calls back 15 mins later. She does this every 15 minutes leaving gradually more frantic messages. About 2 hours after the first call (this is after we asked her not to call nightly and have decided not to answer to try and put a stop to it), she'll come round to the house. On these occasions we've locked the door because we knew she'd be round to check on us, but she's used her key to let herself in despite my car being on the drive so she know perfectly well we're home. She'll then pretend to be desperately worried that something had happened to us and when she sees we're both fine and we say to her we didn't answer because we've asked her not to call, she gets very angry and tells us we're awful people for 'making her worry out of her mind like that' etc etc. Honestly, it's not worth it.

Usually, we answer the phone while we're cooking/ eating, say hello, tell her everything is fine and ask how her day was. We chat for 10 minutes and then hang up. We've asked her to call DH's mobile when he's on the bus back from work but she 'wants to hear from both of us'. Honestly it's never ending.

@Pregernaught so tell her clearly that you’ll speak to her every Wednesday and Sunday for example.

Then don’t answer. CHANGE THE LOCKS!!! And in the meantime, lock the door and leave the key in so hers doesn’t work.

Bloody hell, I would stop vitits until she gets herself together. I would probably suspect that she might have had a problematic pregnancy herself s its kind of flashbacks to then? Not sure. Would be really annoying though. Of course caring about the baby is natrual, but this is something else..

[quote Pregernaught]@diddl we don't 'entertain' it. We have tried not answering multiple times, she leaves a message, then calls back 15 mins later. She does this every 15 minutes leaving gradually more frantic messages. About 2 hours after the first call (this is after we asked her not to call nightly and have decided not to answer to try and put a stop to it), she'll come round to the house. On these occasions we've locked the door because we knew she'd be round to check on us, but she's used her key to let herself in despite my car being on the drive so she know perfectly well we're home. She'll then pretend to be desperately worried that something had happened to us and when she sees we're both fine and we say to her we didn't answer because we've asked her not to call, she gets very angry and tells us we're awful people for 'making her worry out of her mind like that' etc etc. Honestly, it's not worth it.

Usually, we answer the phone while we're cooking/ eating, say hello, tell her everything is fine and ask how her day was. We chat for 10 minutes and then hang up. We've asked her to call DH's mobile when he's on the bus back from work but she 'wants to hear from both of us'. Honestly it's never ending.[/quote]
So she behaves like a screaming toddler attention seeking until her parents give in.

Super Nanny will tell you that the grown up have to stay firm, state boundaries and stick to them no matter how much screaming goes on.

You are making the mistake of thinking that if you eventually give in the problem will stop. It won't it only feeds it.

Start treating her like the child she acts and enabling the behaviour. If that means going none contact do it and let her get on with it.

Otherwise she WILL destroy your life slowly but surely.

It sounds awful, and possibly controlling to some too, but we nly 'allow' MIL to cme up twice a week for reasons similar but not quite so..dramatic. Was just far too draining and while we feel bad as she lives alone, she was basically moving in at one stage. She will get upset when boundaires are stated, but she will get over it I would think. Mine did anyway, after 2 weeks of telling us we were the nastiest people in the world for saying she could come twice a week for a few hours, and that I would take the kids to hers to a weekend!

She sounds more unhinged the more information you reveal and I'm not sure how you've managed to put up with her behaviour for this long. Has it been a gradual build up of inappropriate behaviour on her part or are you just now getting fed up of it? I'd tell her you've already built up an element of mistrust in her because she doesn't respect your boundaries or wishes and if she doesn't rein it in then you'll only end up withdrawing from her more and more.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries OP - physical (locks) and mental (no health information or baby information). Also absolutely no way can she just walk into your house. You are vulnerable during the pandemic, so you have the perfect excuse now to get her used to having to arrange visits beforehand, before the baby is born, rather than just turn up whenever uninvited. This will be more important after the baby. If she does not take care over covid, don't meet up with her except possibly outside - maybe a park or somewhere neutral. Get your boundaries set up now, so less grief when the baby is here. You have had multiple losses, so your needs are the most important, not her attention grabbing ones. Keep her at arm's length. Look after yourself first and foremost, which is what you deserve. Its good DH is onside. Ask him to censor what he says to his DM about you at present in order to protect your peace of mind. Good luck.

I have heard of Grandparents kidnapping their grandkids

@bm2021 because I’ve been around her for most of my life and all of my adult life, I didn’t really know it was unacceptable behaviour until I gained some independence and started to grow up myself if that makes sense. DH did the same thing, as we got older we started to see her more clearly I think. It stepped up a gear when FIL died for sure, and then again now I’m pregnant.

Or do everything in their power to gain custody, first signs is usually buying everything for the baby themselves and calling their grandkids their babies

I wouldn’t be giving her any details, you have witnessed what she is like, so I would be keeping details to myself, glad your Dh is on board with your feelings, it does sound as she is making this about herself, I had the worlds worst MIL so I feel for you both ( you and your Dh) as for walking straight into your house that wouldn’t be happening in mine! I feel she is going to be thousand times worse when the baby arrives! There’s excited and excited she’s acting like a fruit loop

I would encourage her to get a little dog tbh. She needs something else to focus on.

@Pringlemonster

She’s lonely The baby is probably the only thing in her life to look forward to . She’s had COVID to worry about ,we all have ,and the threat of a lot of deaths at Christmas in the news . I’d personally cut her some slack ,I think you were very harsh and rude to her . She’s an elderly lady ,and the only mum your dh has

This ^

Sounds like she's only going to ramp it up even more going forward if you don't do something about it :( you obviously care for her so of course you don't want to be cruel but she's pushing you into a corner really and there's only so much you can be expected to 'put up with' just because she is the way she is (at the end of the day her issues are not your problem). As others have said, set boundaries, tell her you're changing the locks due to her behaviour and draw the line now so she has the opportunity to sort it out before more damage is caused to your relationship, and in turn that of her and her future grandchild. If she is capable of rational thought she'll make changes. If not then it might be time for suggesting therapy for her etc?

Change the locks and don't give her a key. And your DH needs to have a serious chat to her. This is crazy behaviour and you don't need the stress - you deserve to enjoy your pregancy and new baby without her spoling everything