MIL - WTF do we do?

[Pregernaught]

I posted before about MIL buying a next to me crib for her house and passing on questionable vintage baby advice. I thought I’d nipped it in the bud, she’s been ok for a few weeks but last night we had another issue and I’m not sure whether to start winding down contact with her or try one more time to put my foot down?

I’m now 16 weeks, MIL has been buying bits of clothes etc which is totally fine, I’ve just asked that she doesn’t bring them to my house until I’m 28 weeks or more (I’ve had miscarriages, I’m superstitious etc). MIL pulled a face at this but whatever, I asked her not to buy things early on but she went ahead so her choices, not mine.

Anyway, I had a bit of bleeding last week (nothing serious, cervical irritation it turned out) so I went to see the midwife who sent me for a quick scan just to check baby was ok and all is well. DH was on the phone to MIL when I got back from the hospital and had his ‘wtf’ face on, so I asked him to put her on speaker and the first thing I heard was enormous, dramatic fake sobs. I asked what had happened, and apparently DH had mentioned I’d gone for a scan to check all was ok and MIL had immediately decided my bleeding was because she’d bought things Too early and it was all her fault and how could she live with herself for (wait for it)... KILLING HER BABY!

Ummmmmm... who’s baby?

I said ‘MIL I’m going to hang up now and we can talk when you’re acting more appropriately, night’ in a very flat tone.

30 mins later just as we were settling down to eat, cue MIL walking straight in to the house (she always does this) still sobbing. I stood up to tell her to get the fuck out, but was stopped when she walks straight up to me, puts her hands on my intestines (no where near where baby is right now!) and starts whimpering ‘oh I thought I’d lost you baby!’ At my empty stomach.

DH hit the roof and told her she was acting like a complete head case and to go home, we’d call her to talk when we were ready. She left. We just stood completely lost for words for a few seconds before DH started apologising a lot.

So, obviously we change the locks and don’t give her a key, but how on earth do we address the fact that this attention seeking madness is likely a sign that she’s become quite unwell whilst still protecting ourselves from it? DH is an only child and MIL lives alone although she has a gentleman friend who visits daily. There isn’t really anyone else other than her siblings who can help with this.

I’m wondering whether to call DH’s aunt (they’re close), explain what’s happening and see if there’s any light she can shed on why MIL might be acting the way she is? She’s always been a centre of attention type, but never like this.

WTF do I do?

OP I've just rtft and you sound lovely, and your relationship with DH and how you got together sounds very sweet and you are obviously a great team. You also obviously know your mil better than anyone who has commented on this thread. I can't believe some people are justifying the way she's behaving.

My mil was rather over zealous at first, bought a Moses basket and all sorts of shit for her house before we had got anything ourselves and it was all just a bit much. Also mentioned being at the hospital etc. No hysterics though and nowhere near as bad as what you have described. We put firm boundaries in place, I was glad they were excited but mil in particular needed to know it was not her baby. We didn't give many details and I was clear from the get go about no one being at the hospital while I was in labour etc. It's the only way. Visits were managed and I would take the baby to visit them so I could leave when I needed to, I started locking the door to stop them "dropping in" constantly. Then covid happened and that really helped.

Good luck and all the best with your pregnancy.

Glad to see another woman being vilified here based on one persons account. When it is you one day you may wish to be less harshly judged.

Haven't read whole thread apart from OP's posts so apologies if repeating what others have said.
You have got to get some space from this woman ,due to your history of losses this is going to be a long and anxious pregnancy for you, you cannot allow her to make this more stressful. If you can't get her to give back your house key then change your locks and don't ever give her a key ever again. I could not tolerate someone letting themselves into my house in any circumstances let alone this situation.
Do you have a genuine concern about her mental health or is this just what she is like? If there is a concern then DH or her sister need to try and get her to see her GP. It also sounds like she needs more in her life, hobbies, someone mentioned getting a pet. Does she have any friends? Think DH needs to start encouraging her to look outside her home more. I know you prefer to deal with her "as a unit" but I think you need to let DH shoulder the burden of his mother , pregnancy after loss is bloody hard going , and I think you need to protect yourself more personally. Next time he has his "wtf" face on I think you should just let him deal with it, and let him discuss the boundaries with her you have set out. There's no need for her to phone every night to check you're still alive etc. That's
just historionic. All the best OP, hope the pregnancy goes well.

@Emeeno1

Glad to see another woman being vilified here based on one persons account. When it is you one day you may wish to be less harshly judged.

If someone isn't respecting boundaries then there is always a problem regards of their sex or relationship with someone else.

HTH

OP, I'm jumping in from the end of page 5 to offer you some heartfelt support, as someone who had narcissists in her family of origin (& whose MIL was... er... odd). And who has a lovely, supportive DH as you do.

I'm gobsmacked at some of the responses on this thread. Posters are making up things you didn't say, flat out calling you a liar, excusing appalling behaviour, imagining a fantasy world in which anyone can just ask a narc to act nicely and they will, saying you enjoy all this - why, for heaven's sake?

Narcissists exist. They act badly, they run all over any boundaries you try to set up. They want all the attention on them, 24/7. Everything is about them. Nobody else matters. The truth itself does not matter, if it gets in the way of what they want.

So far all those excusing OP's MIL seem to have missed the fact that she ignores all Covid safety precautions when she wants to see her family, in spite of OP & her DH being at risk. Go on, excuse that one. And she's not 'elderly'. She probably isn't even getting her pension for a few years.

OP, you've had some good advice in the first 5 pages from the people who get it. I just want to wish you well. You & your DH sound like you'll be great parents & make a loving family.

I think this would be a very difficult situation under normal circumstances, but given what you've said about your previous experienced and your health I find it absolutely appalling that she has no concern whatsoever for the stress all of this is clearly placing on you and on the baby, especially since both you and your DH have asked her repeatedly to tone it down.
Seeing comments like
MIL believes I want to breastfeed to stop her having the baby overnight and that's the only reason anyone ever breastfeeds: to monopolize the baby are just gobsmacking.
She really is acting like a selfish child.
I also think she needs professional help and that your DH needs to very calmly but firmly tell her to stop putting you under such worry and stress.

Calling DH's aunt sounds like a good idea. She can talk to her sister /warn her off any further nonsense, which lets you and DH keep your distance.

  At some point,  without involving you,   DH must get back MIL's key to your house.

@Emeeno1 I'm not really sure what your point is? It's Mumsnet, you're always going to see one person's account on these threads. People can only respond to the information provided by the poster. If they're exaggerating or being untruthful then responses are going to be irrelevant anyway.

I'd think of getting rid of your landline. We need one for the internet but just unplugged the phones. So freeing. Much easier to avoid people with a mobile or to send a standard text. Eg all's fine we're watching tv

@Emeeno1

Glad to see another woman being vilified here based on one persons account. When it is you one day you may wish to be less harshly judged.

What do we win when we spot an interfering mother-in-law?

@2bazookas

Calling DH's aunt sounds like a good idea. She can talk to her sister /warn her off any further nonsense, which lets you and DH keep your distance.

  At some point,  without involving you,   DH must get back MIL's key to your house.</div></div>

I initially thought that, but having read how involved the Aunt is with her Grandchild I now don't.

It might just encourage the MIL that she is right to want to be overly involved.

OP - please ignore all the judgy assholes and go to a reddit board called justnomil you are not alone, you are not being in any way shape or form unreasonable to want boundaries around your body and your pregnancy. Screw everyone else.

"MIL believes I want to breastfeed to stop her having the baby overnight and that's the only reason anyone ever breastfeeds: to monopolize the baby"

Shocking that she has said that!

In fact after spouting shit like that-why do you bother with her at all?

So what if you don't want her to have the baby overnight?

Was your husband left with GMs because they demanded it?

Oh my! I just read the part where she told you formula was ‘made for babies’ and therefore better than breast milk!! I nearly spat out my cup of tea!! Who does she think that’s for then? 😂 bless you. You have the right idea and a supportive husband. Your MIL is clearly a narcissist and there’s no simple or easy answer to that. I hope over time she learns to respect your boundaries.

When it is you one day you may wish to be less harshly judged.

If I act as insanely as this women I would imagine I would be harshly judged, and rightly so.

Does she have any mental health problems? Is she widowed? Perhaps she's just really lonely and it has sent her deranged. Either way she'd be told to get help or leave me alone.

It does so very much like she has had such a sheltered life and DH is all she has going on so is very over invested.

Thinking of the single people in my family of a similar age, after sometime of living alone, they have lost a little of the awareness that you have when you are used to conversing regularly, what is socially acceptable, you don’t have anyone to call you out when you aren’t handling things quite right in the same way as if you live with someone.

I also think, as we get older we lose both a little inhibition but also our filters slip. You seem to voice things that formally would have been more inner thoughts. If you are someone who did that before then it must be extra extreme.

I do think there is very much a mental health side that gets neglected when people are 60 plus, especially if they are not working. I think things are more often put down to their age when actually some therapy could help.

@MarthasGinYard

At 16 weeks I don't think we'd barely even told anyone I was pregnant.

Goodness gracious the drama.

Please explain why you think this is a helpful or supportive thing to post.

There really are some pathetic posts on here aka pathetic people.

“When it is you one day you may wish to be less harshly judged.”

Plenty of mil have healthy relationships with family and they didn’t have to do any of this

The excessive phone calls need to stop. You need to not let her get her own way.

The entering your home uninvited needs to stop. You need to get that key back. Tell her she is not to enter uninvited again. As soon as she does then you demand the key, there and then.

The 'my baby' comments need to stop.

The Breastfeeding crap needs to stop.

I think you need to get this sorted out before the baby arrives.

By letting her carry on ringing daily and if you don’t answer ringing bacon every 15 minutes for 2 hours when she come round to yours all of a fluster upset etc and then she gets in and has what she wants all you are telling her is that she will get what she wants, it will just take 2 hours and 8 ? Call backs to get it.

You will not be able to pander to this once you have a newborn possibly when your later in your pregnancy so nip it in the bud now if you can.

Change the lock, take your keys back or bolt your doors.

Dh tells her that he can have a chat /text if he’s on the bus every couple of days but daily calls will need to stop and she’s not to call round without checking first. She can’t keep letting herself in either.

She respects his wishes or he will stop seeing her until she can.

Be aware of a health emergency or similar.

From what you have said about her sister I think involving her would be a mistake as it might fuel the rivalry.

she's like a huge jelly fish that just flops all over you and wont get off urgghh

Agreed with others on the thread. If you ignore calls and have changed the locks, leave a notice on the door saying "we are ok, we love you, we just need a bit of privacy, love xxx" and she will get the message?

I posted on the first page of this thread saying that your MIL is bonkers. But having caught up on your updates I think it's you that bonkers. For putting up with it. I'd have emigrated by now. I hear Australia is nice!

If you don't emigrate, don't talk her into getting a dog. Can you imagine how indulged it'd be and how badly behaved as a result? You'll soon be back on here posting about MIL inisting her feral dog gets to come for Christmas.

On the breastfeeding. I’d start mentioning that the midwife says how it’s very important to only have breastfeeding supportive family visit until your milk is established and that will take at least six weeks. It’s not a lie really, it’s a very vulnerable time and you won’t need someone unsupportive around.