Verbally attacked for not wearing a mask

[8catsaremycoven]

Wow, had a great experience in Lidl today - I was verbally abused and intimidated by a bloke in his 40s for not wearing a mask.

I'm minding my own business, choosing some fruit for DHS when random angry bloke walks past and hisses "You should be wearing a mask ". He doesn't stop and ask me directly why I'm not wearing a mask, just walks past me and says it in an undertone.

I catch up with him because he's browsing and tell him I'm exempt because I'm asthmatic. Apparently anyone can claim to be exempt and it's my personal fault that people are dying?! I told him that I wished that I was able to wear a mask to protect myself if nothing else, he just carried on ranting at me. No security guards in the store, other shoppers just stood and watched. I ended up crying in frustration and walking away.

I can't wear a mask because of my asthma but I also suffer from PTSD because an XH put a pillow over my face and raped me.

Am I expected to explain everything to anyone?

YABU - get over everything, risk a major asthma attack and wear a mask

YANBU - asthma is enough to excuse me from wearing a mask let alone my other reasons, which I don't feel I should have to explain to anyone

Bring it on, I'm sure someone is going to roast me but I truly hope that you're going to be behind me.

I left the shop shaking and in tears

To the get your shopping onliners - if I could get delivery slots I would!

More bollocks. There's no shortage of slots.

@Stefoscope

I hate the way some people have become, worse than the disease itself. Too true and and it's frightening how quickly and easily it has happened.

I know, right 😨

@ZoeTurtle there is a huge shortage in my area. I can’t get a delivery of any kind for 2 weeks. That’s exacerbated by the fact I live semi-rurally and not many companies deliver to this area, and I’m sure it’s easier in cities etc, but I equally don’t live on top of Snowdon so if I’m struggling many others will be too.

Look, I think it’s fair to say that there are issues on both sides of this debate. There are people who’ve suffered on both sides. There is a need to acknowledge and try to empathise with those who’ve suffered loss/illness from Covid and those who are medically exempt. But personal insults and accusations help no one.
I also think it’s fair to say that this whole situation was sparked due to the man in questions hissed remarks. Had he not done that, op wouldn’t have responded. And the law is quite clear that joe public is not the mask police and doesn’t have a right to challenge people. It’s also clear that exempt people are not required to wear lanyards, visors or anything else. Nor are they required to shop online. Whether you agree with that personally or not, that is the law.
We also have to remember there are many other ways to minimise risk that seem to be as- possibly more- effective, namely keep your distance and keep your hands clean.

I think you miss the point that the man merely made a general comment around her not to her about wearing masks , which is not illegal and reflects National guidance. She then followed him and made it all about her including telling him one of her medical conditions - (which isn't one that most people can't wear mask for- we've even had HCPs on here stating that) - by her own admission she initiated the argument and likely said more than she's saying. Surprising to trigger an altercation knowing her own reason for not wearing mask.

OP states he hissed the original comment but OP story is inconsistent and she's been prone to over dramatisations. It's the lack of empathy & understanding on both sides including OPs that's the worry here, She's too busy wearing her exemption rights as a 'badge of honour' that she's lost sight of the bigger picture

She made the scene, she has got minority of baying MNers on here (who ought know better) agreeing a mere comment on a policy is as bad as racists insults.
What concerns me is the lack of perspective

OP is the wrong person & this is wrong incident... , to pin this topic on- there are unfortunate genuine incidences of people being abused for not wearing masks in a discriminatory way. OP's isn't one of them as she was the antagonist herself.
PPs have mentioned concern about her reaction and that this thread is not as helpful to OP as she thinks - ie she needs to go back to her counsellor

I meant OP volunteered herself to the man she was exempt due to asthma- most asthmatics can wear mask- but she didn't (understandably) say '..and her PTSD combined with her asthma'...

It's an odd decision to have followed someone, with ptsd being her main exemption reason , to start altercation and start half disclosing .. then feeling frustrated...

I'm sorry that you suffered such a traumatic situation previously, OP. However, in the current situation - the virus spreading like wildfire and claiming so many lives - it makes
sense to stay out of public places if you can't wear a mask.

If it had been me, it would have gone down like so
him: you should be wearing a mask
me: you should go f* yourself.

and leave it at that. No need to explain. A55hats don't want to hear it, they just like verbally smacking down others. I am absolutely positive if you were a massive man, he would have said nothing and just kept walking. He saw you as weaker than him and took a shot at making his tiny peepee self feel better.

"I think you miss the point that the man merely made a general comment around her not to her about wearing masks"

He was being arsehole nothing merely about it. He needs to be careful that someone he says it to also isn't able to contain themselves and gives him a smack.

@Sparticuscaticus

I think you miss the point that the man merely made a general comment around her not to her about wearing masks , which is not illegal and reflects National guidance. She then followed him and made it all about her including telling him one of her medical conditions - (which isn't one that most people can't wear mask for- we've even had HCPs on here stating that) - by her own admission she initiated the argument and likely said more than she's saying. Surprising to trigger an altercation knowing her own reason for not wearing mask.

OP states he hissed the original comment but OP story is inconsistent and she's been prone to over dramatisations. It's the lack of empathy & understanding on both sides including OPs that's the worry here, She's too busy wearing her exemption rights as a 'badge of honour' that she's lost sight of the bigger picture

She made the scene, she has got minority of baying MNers on here (who ought know better) agreeing a mere comment on a policy is as bad as racists insults.
What concerns me is the lack of perspective

OP is the wrong person & this is wrong incident... , to pin this topic on- there are unfortunate genuine incidences of people being abused for not wearing masks in a discriminatory way. OP's isn't one of them as she was the antagonist herself.
PPs have mentioned concern about her reaction and that this thread is not as helpful to OP as she thinks - ie she needs to go back to her counsellor

PTS D can cause a fight reaction in some sufferers. FIight, flight, freeze or even fawn.

I get that it perhaps not helpful to The OP to have challenged him but it is perfectly understandable why she did so and not exactly atypical for those with PTS D to behave this way when triggered especially if abuse has been the cause of their PTS D

I am blessed. I was never choked and raped, although I was sexually abused and other kinds o f abuse since early childhood and I have Complex form of PTSD..I can become very volatile when triggered. According to my therapist it isn't unusual for this to happen

I do think the OP doesn't owe anyone an explanation for her lawlessness and I don't approve of those covid fanatics who think it is their right to challenge madness persons. However I can understand why she did it. Long term abuse can make us feel compelled to explain, justify and defend o urselves. Being constantly gaslighted, invalidated, violated (remember that the rape Op suffered occurred in a domestic abuse context, so likely there was ongoing.emotional terrorism with it) can do that to us. Our sense of self has been shattered.

@Sparticuscaticus I think you are being disingenuous to say he ‘merely commented’ tbh.

[quote OwlBeThere]@Sparticuscaticus I think you are being disingenuous to say he ‘merely commented’ tbh.[/quote]
Yes I agree. He was pretty much being an arsehole

If you RTFT you will see how disingenuous OP has been - Interesting that you misuse my word about OP to throw it at others
As I said this is not the incident to hang all your comments on, as there are people who genuinely abuse others in shops which isn't ok

People typically do not wait ..then.. seek ..out ..nor put themselves at risk .. in a fight or flight fear response - OPs response was unhelpful.

Just a reminder that even if he was truly 'hissing' his first innocuous comment - which she herself said was made generally not directed to her that 'people should wear masks'- is not a breach of any legislation, it's a statement about national policy . She herself breached her own rights by following him then insisting on telling him half a reason, that she had asthma. Asthma doesn't prevent mask wearing in all bar a tiny percent of the most severe asthmatics- HCPs on here have explained. There are a far larger proportion of people claiming to be exempt when they are not as they legally could wear a flimsy paper mask. OP said she is not someone who can. Her behaviour should have been safer.

The right thing would have been to ignore him confident in her right to be exempt, rather than follow someone and raise her voice at him which she had to do if she was truly socially distant in a noisy supermarket like Aldi and as such she increased risk of transmission, Or she went mask-less too close to someone who was already uncomfortable at the risk if she didn't raise her voice for him to have heard her.

We should be encouraging OP to seek support for her overreactive responses rather than winding her up further.

If someone is unable to wear a mask, it is even more important not to approach, nor to raise your voice to interact with people in close quarters inside. I have the utmost sympathy for both sides , but it is important to remember the genuine extremely vulnerable shielded group those that got letters, who were stuck inside for 5 months and want to safely participate in society again as disabled people , are relying on others to behave reasonably and Covid safe way.
If you're not wearing a mask don't approach others (especially not to argue!).

He was an abusive arsehole. Generally people and men in particular who behave like that are are condemned on here.
Personally I wouldn't follow him but that is because he might also be a violent arsehole too.

People who are unable to wear masks are not some sort of lower caste. No one should be bothering anyone else. No one should be coming closer than they need to be. I don't want you unnecessarily close to me mask or not. And yes I wear a mask.

@Sockwomble

People who are unable to wear masks are not some sort of lower caste. No one should be bothering anyone else. No one should be coming closer than they need to be. I don't want you unnecessarily close to me mask or not. And yes I wear a mask.

Yes we should all be socially distancing

The ableism on here isn't so much about the man hissing. It is about some of the previous posters who seem to be falling over themselves to insist that the OP doesn't really have an exemption. Almost implying that someone would take having PTS D just to get out of wearing a mask.

This kind of myth that people.routinely fake.serious mental disorder illnesses is very damaging to society's of mental health. So many of us are to told we are just attention seeking and jumping on a bandwagon. Yes, am sure there are a few cheeky fuckers who try to avoid mask wearing and use all kinds of excuses to do so but the idea that there is a mass epidemic of people doing this is not fair for those of us who are genuine.

No wonder government t isn't going to spend more on mental health. Because we as a nation don't take it seriously

@Sparticuscaticus

If you RTFT you will see how disingenuous OP has been - Interesting that you misuse my word about OP to throw it at others As I said this is not the incident to hang all your comments on, as there are people who genuinely abuse others in shops which isn't ok

People typically do not wait ..then.. seek ..out ..nor put themselves at risk .. in a fight or flight fear response - OPs response was unhelpful.

Just a reminder that even if he was truly 'hissing' his first innocuous comment - which she herself said was made generally not directed to her that 'people should wear masks'- is not a breach of any legislation, it's a statement about national policy . She herself breached her own rights by following him then insisting on telling him half a reason, that she had asthma. Asthma doesn't prevent mask wearing in all bar a tiny percent of the most severe asthmatics- HCPs on here have explained. There are a far larger proportion of people claiming to be exempt when they are not as they legally could wear a flimsy paper mask. OP said she is not someone who can. Her behaviour should have been safer.

The right thing would have been to ignore him confident in her right to be exempt, rather than follow someone and raise her voice at him which she had to do if she was truly socially distant in a noisy supermarket like Aldi and as such she increased risk of transmission, Or she went mask-less too close to someone who was already uncomfortable at the risk if she didn't raise her voice for him to have heard her.

We should be encouraging OP to seek support for her overreactive responses rather than winding her up further.

If someone is unable to wear a mask, it is even more important not to approach, nor to raise your voice to interact with people in close quarters inside. I have the utmost sympathy for both sides , but it is important to remember the genuine extremely vulnerable shielded group those that got letters, who were stuck inside for 5 months and want to safely participate in society again as disabled people , are relying on others to behave reasonably and Covid safe way.
If you're not wearing a mask don't approach others (especially not to argue!).

people do not.typically do not want them seem out then put themsleves.at.risk

Actually some.do. It isn't rational but then complex ptsd often isnt. As someone with a mix of complex ptsd and BPD myself due to long term abuse I can understAnd the need to justify, explain, to worry about the approval of others, even strangers. a lifetime of being blighted and deliberately misunderstood can do that. And yes, we are often masters of self sabotage and putting ourselves in risky situations. Many of us have any our have spent our lives self harming in one way or another

When you are a ball of mixed up feelings of intense anger, rage, fear,.emotional flashbacks of being gaslighted, a.sense of being misunderstood, shame and feeling worthless maybe even hating yourself, you may end up reacting on instinct,.from.your reptile brain, not rationally.

Apologies @8catsaremycoven if.am projecting my own experiences and symptoms into you. I don't live inside your head. But I have been told by my therapist these reactions are.common for survivors like us. Not universal but common . We don't all experience PTS D the same way, and yes some survivors would be too frozen in fear to confront the man. Not all of us though.

I can also understand that posting a post in
AIBU which is likely.to create some harsh responses in others can be a tool of survivors that we use to self harm or do firm to yours loves that we are bad and deserved the abuse. I have been there. I used to post like this under a different name. Like a mix of self harm and.crying out for help

I hope this isn't you OP, because that is a horrible place.to be.

Hope you get the help you need and deserve.

I feel I should point out here that he could have had MH issues too. Severe anxiety or worse. He could be severely depressed after being locked down for a long time. Freaking about going out but having to.

He could also be extremely clinically vulnerable or protecting someone he lives with who is. And god knows Lidl's is full of piss takers - it could have been the straw that broke the camels back.

Other people not on MN have challenges too. He didn't follow her or hit her or swear. In fact he would have said nothing more. We don't know his story and while I think he's a prick it's really hypocritical about everyone here going on about their special needs while totally ignoring those of others.

I'm kind of sick of being accused of a lack of empathy etc when I'm seeing that very lack towards anyone who isn't a MN person who can't wear a mask. Like people who died or got life changingly sick for example. None of you give two shits about that.

Confirm not do firm!

Seeing the OP without a mask could have triggered him. You do know others get triggered right? Or is it only ok for some of you to call people cunts and say you were triggered? And go on about it bringing out the worst in others.

Look at your own behaviour before you start on him or anyone. We had a customer at work tell another customer (not a shop and not a lot of visitors) to put a mask on. The staff member whisked him off to another floor and we were uncomfortable as it seemed like it could have been racist (he was a young black guy she was an older white lady) but actually we don't know her story.

And he probably should have been wearing one and probably wasn't exempt. but we are not lidl and no one has to be near someone not wearing a mask.

Neither of them covered themselves in glory in my opinion. That's just how it is sometimes.

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl

I feel I should point out here that he could have had MH issues too. Severe anxiety or worse. He could be severely depressed after being locked down for a long time. Freaking about going out but having to.

He could also be extremely clinically vulnerable or protecting someone he lives with who is. And god knows Lidl's is full of piss takers - it could have been the straw that broke the camels back.

Other people not on MN have challenges too. He didn't follow her or hit her or swear. In fact he would have said nothing more. We don't know his story and while I think he's a prick it's really hypocritical about everyone here going on about their special needs while totally ignoring those of others.

I'm kind of sick of being accused of a lack of empathy etc when I'm seeing that very lack towards anyone who isn't a MN person who can't wear a mask. Like people who died or got life changingly sick for example. None of you give two shits about that.

I do agree that it is likely.the this man may have had issues himself. Let's be hones we are all, mostly shit scared of this virus.

And I agree what he did wasn't heinously bad. But a drip, drip drip of this kind of thing can wear already vulnerable people like the OP down.

I disagree that we don't care about those dying. Being exempt or standing up.for those that are doesn't indicate a lack of care. If the majority of people wear mask or social distance and wash hands in public confined spaces like shops, that is still a good risk management. A small minority of people aren't masking because they are exempt. I don't think they are the ones causing rates of covid to skyrocket.

The biggest risk has been schools going back but that cannot be helped. Children c ant stay home indefinitely. And unless we have a full lockdown again in all of the UK, most people c ant just stay home. They have to go to work!

Am getting sick too, of those posters who keep bleating "vulnerable people should stay home!! ". why is it always assumed that disabled people don't have jobs or lives

@Lemonpizza I just want to say how enlightening and interesting (most of) your posts are, and thank you for sharing them (meant very much non sarcastically). I hope you find a way to get some relief from your PTSD too.

The world isn't a forgiving place for those who are reactive, regardless of their reasons. So its a double whammy. If I had a magic wand or wish it would be that the awful MH after effects of abuse, war, bad parenting etc were eliminated. So many lives are ruined and it's shit.

* Quote: The ableism on here isn't so much about the man hissing. It is about some of the previous posters who seem to be falling over themselves to insist that the OP doesn't really have an exemption*

I don't think anybody has done that at all. Not one person has said OP wasn't exempt from wearing a mask. This is why you should RTFT rather than relying on latest of other PPs comments where they have misread - as you just perpetuate that misunderstanding . No ableism here, it's such a stretch. He made no such demand of her.

HCPs have said asthma in itself is not generally contraindicated for mask wearing, the flimsy paper ones , only a tiny % of very severe asthmatics would be medically advised not to wear a mask or exceptional cases. That still leaves a proportion of asthma patients who are exempt under the legal definition of the National Covid guidance.

And that information was discussed purely since OP said she volunteered to the man herself she had asthma which was only half her reason - to achieve what? Nobody here has said to OP that she wasn't exempt. Nor could they. And everyone has said she shouldn't have volunteered information about her private health needs to anyone in that shop. She, not he, breached her own right to privacy.

You have entirely missed the point that without a mask she followed someone and unnecessarily instigated a verbal argument in a shop, not behaving in a Covid safe way and increased transmission risk when she should have acted more carefully.

This was not the incident to pin this level of argument on as there are genuine cases of people being abused in shops and genuine cases of better actions or judgement by an OP.