Why does my son HATE me?

[MootingMirror]

DS is 16mo and he HATES me. He has always hated me. He loves DH more than anything in the world ever, loves the dogs, loves everyone on the planet except for me. And I have no idea why. If he's left alone in a room with me then he'll scream. He's done this literally since he was born. If I pick him up then he'll scream. He won't take food or water or milk from me, ever. I had to express breastmilk because he wouldn't go on the breast but he would only take a bottle from DH. He just completely refuses from me but if anyone else gives it to him then he's very happy. There are no photos of us together where he's not screaming - not one single photo since the day he was born.
It's not that he's overly attached to DH though, because he's perfectly fine at nursery or with his grandparents or even complete strangers. When my brother visited from living abroad and met him for the first time then he was very happy to play with him and cuddle him - but won't do that with me. When he wakes up and starts to cry, if I go in then he'll look at me and pretend to be asleep so I don't pick him up.
Some people have suggested it's because, as the mother, he sees me all day so takes me for granted but that can't be the case. DH's work are really great so the first eight weeks he got paternity leave and we were both around. Then DH worked four days each week from September to March (and was given five weeks' holiday in that time) so was home a lot. From mid-March, DH was essentially furloughed so was with DS more than I was. Now we're both back at work but I work five days each week and DH works three. So, when DS saw us the same amount he hated me, when he saw me more than DH, he hated me and now he sees DH more than me, he still hates me.
I don't know what to do. I can't take him to the park or shops without DH (or someone else) because he screams the whole time. I've tried changing my perfume and deodorant and things like that but it makes no difference. Everyone says he's the happiest little boy in the world and nursery think he's the easiest baby to look after - I'm the only person he hates.
The birth was fine, no drama there - left hospital the same day.
I don't know how to fix it.

My DD had colic and started to associate pain with me as I tried to breastfeed over several months. When I expressed and fed her upright it was easier, but she appeared to 'flinch' and cried a lot when I tried breastfeeding her. In my situation DD developed instinctive fear and it changed our bond. I wasn't helped by my now exMIL telling me that I wasn't feeding her right, my exH and one of his female friends saying I was not bonding as DD was uncomfortable being breastfed. It meant I also expected her to feel uncomfortable around me and felt that I was not good enough in her eyes. This changed my behaviour and we were anxious around each other.

When my exH went back to work for more hours and my exMIL wasn't involved and I was with DD pretty much all the time, we learnt to be together and things really switched. Now honestly DD would glue herself to me if she could and we have no issues (14yr old).

I wonder if your baby had colic or perhaps the way you held him, unbeknown to you, had caused him discomfort at some point, or some similar minor issue happened. He reacted negatively and learnt to associate you with pain. Then others around you have non-purposefully reinforced this by always being there and 'saving' him. You need calm time to bond just the two of you.

My second didn't have colic and it was much more straightforward!

I can believe the stopping crying in the cot thing. Ever noticed how a newborn tends to ‘settle’ quicker with strangers than on their own mum? It’s because they basically shut down due to fear. If a newborn can display this behaviour, an older baby is more than capable.

This sounds like a form of attachment disorder. I think you need to really, really push for a referral.

@MootingMirror oh I don’t have time for literally any of that ever but you never know. What about very dry or very oil skin?

Sounds hard

I’m not expert, but would maybe 48 hrs alone with him, but you both kind of living side by side work or help at all? By that I mean for example you make lunch for you both and bring it into living room, casually pop it on coffee table and let him know it’s there and then eat yours, without making him eat. Then you just Potter around the house or rooms he’s in throughout the weekend doing random things and he can choose to join or not. Same with toys, you could try setting up something new and exciting and just talk to yourself about what your doing out loud and see if he wants to join in.
You could just do this daytime as well whilst dh is at work.
Maybe everything just super casual and slow for a while. Put a pile of his favourite books next to you in bed and let him know they are there, then start looking at your own or looking at his books and he can choose to join

You say that you talk to your DH about it and you both get upset etc. I think you need to really work on reframing this (because professional help is likely to be a long way off). He doesn’t hate you. He is incapable of doing so. He may not have a strong attachment to you, but that is not the same as hating you. If you ascribe too much emotion to the situation (and I know the connection to your child is probably one of the most emotional things there is!) then either your DS picks up on that or, worse, it becomes a power struggle. So set your routine for the days you’re at home with him, breakfast lunch and dinner at predictable times, naps at predictable times and so on, and go with it as much as you can. Alternatively leave food and drinks around in places he can reach them without you having to engage - maybe even have your DH put them out in variously places before he leaves, where DS can reach them (assuming he’s fine with finger foods) so that all the stress relating to eating and drinking is removed. And then just be around. Sit nearby and read a book to yourself (one of his or one of yours). Potter about doing odd jobs. Only engage on his terms, don’t try to initiate. See if in time he will begin to come to you because he no longer (for whatever reason) gets upset at/fears the idea of you initiating contact. Give him that little bit of control back about how he engages with you. If the screaming is that bad, put soft earplugs in to lessen the stressor on you while still being able to see/hear him. Set up a space where he can be/play completely safely (google ‘yes spaces’) so he’s not reliant on your for entertainment in the day, and can then engage with you on his own terms. There are probably lots of small steps you can take to gentle move things forward. In my experience HVs are pretty useless but they do hold the key to opening other doors to support, so worth asking via even if you know the advice won’t be particularly useful, as a previous poster said you sometimes have to attend the appointments and nod and smile and then keep pushing.

It certainly sounds as though it's a sensory thing.
www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf?

Some kids with sensory processing difficulties can perceive touch as severe pain, therefore if you're trying to be very gentle when you touch him, which is a natural, kind, nurturing thing to do, he perceives that as pain and screams.

Watch and observe HOW your DH handles him, I'm guessing it's with a much firmer grip and your DS perceives that as deep pressure, which gives him reassurance.

You've said your DS screams when he has physical contact with you and he's done it from birth, so it's obviously not an at least initially visually led response.

If your DS' sensory perceptions are different, then it's possible his sense of smell as well as touch is very heightened and he just reacts negatively to how you smell. You've already said you've not used anything scented.

I know this sounds crackers, but as a parent of a now adult with sensory issues, you soon learn that crackers is sometimes your ordinary. Could you try wearing your DH's clothes before getting close to your son, also rub your DH's clothes over any of your exposed skin like face hands and arms, so all of you smells only of DH before going into your son's room?

Get close enough to him without touching him, but close enough for him to realise you smell of DH and see how he reacts and if it makes any difference for the better.

Video his reactions if you can, as HandsFaceSpace wisely said upthread, Remember: when you say it, it's anecdote. When they see it, it's "evidence

It sounds very extreme, especially as it's been the same since he was a newborn. I had never heard a newborn rejecting the mother. I would suggest too a professional assessment

Whoever asked me I was being serious, Yes really - I know it’s a Parenting forum, I’m not a moron.

OP has said this has happened since the second he was born and now they’re a year and a half down the line - clearly she knows she needs to seek medical help and a bunch of strangers can’t help her. Wether medical help for herself or her child she knows she needs help.

As you perceiving your baby pretending to be asleep when he sees you coming in is ascribing quite a lot of cunning to a 16 month old.

It's not OP perceiving or imagining. My son (the one who had  sensory  issues)  did the same thing at a  similar age. When  offended he would  just  turn his head away and shut his eyes.  It's an avoidance tactic,  escape  ( not, consciously  pretending to be asleep) .

@ChrisPrattsFace

Whoever asked me I was being serious, Yes really - I know it’s a Parenting forum, I’m not a moron.

OP has said this has happened since the second he was born and now they’re a year and a half down the line - clearly she knows she needs to seek medical help and a bunch of strangers can’t help her. Wether medical help for herself or her child she knows she needs help.

Yes, and I sought medical help and they said this is normal. What's your point?

The low register of your DH's voice will be less harsh on his ears if, like many on here including me think, he is exhibiting signs of autism.

So sorry you're going through this. It sounds horrific; I can't begin to imagine.

Since his reaction has been so consistent and so visceral, I want to echo a suggestion someone else made above: could it be that he has a particularly sensitive nose, or possibly an allergy/intolerance of ingredients in common soaps/deodorants/perfumes/some such? Is it possible that he is not reacting against you at all, but against something on your skin or hair?

If you have a washing/skincare routine that involves scented products, I would try using only perfume and allergen-free products from a health food store instead. It may also be worth examining your diet for possible sources of irritant body odor or breath; use of chewing gum, vaping or cigarettes; anything that may hang in your hair. You get the idea.

Of course I'm speculating wildly and I don't mean to imply that you 'smell bad'. It's just something to try. I'd also ask the GP/nurse if there are any intolerances/metabolic peculiarities that may make your son respond negatively to exposure to such everyday substances. Good luck!

My heart goes out to you both. Agree with others, please get some professional advice.

To me (nanny of 20years) it looks like maybe he’s built up an association.... mummy +me alone= I cry...... it’s a reflex he’s conditioned himself into.... regardless of how it started as a tiny baba

Then on top of this, you (completely understandably) panic and get distressed which only confounds his upset.

I would try to establish some tricks to desensitise you both and get you out of the cycle of reactions.

Other things that came to me are, did you have post natal depression? I’d love to see you build up your confidence in being your baby’s mama and conveying to him that you are both safe and happy together.

Does any of this resonate? Happy to chat more if you would like to pm me.

Sending you all hugs.

My situation has not been as extreme as you describe but I have definitely had similar thoughts to you. From an early age my son showed very strong preferences towards his dad and would scream and cry if left in the room with just me. He would seek comfort from his dad if he hurt himself or felt scared etc and would scream and push me away if I tried to comfort him. I spent a lot of time trying to analyse why and searching for other people's experiences on the Internet and one of the things that came up was that I was partly responsible by 'bigging up' his dad all the time (look, yay, daddy's home! etc) and as I was on maternity leave and the main caregiver he took me for granted and gravitated towards his dad. I don't think that was entirely it and I know you said you had a more balanced ratio when your son was younger. I would say though that things have slowly got a bit better (my son is just over 2 now) and he doesn't scream when left alone with me like he used to but he still does seem to prefer his dad and his dad's presence. Its tough on both of us. I do feel better about things now though than I used to. I hope things improve for you too.

@Icanseewhyichangednyusername

My heart goes out to you both. Agree with others, please get some professional advice.

To me (nanny of 20years) it looks like maybe he’s built up an association.... mummy +me alone= I cry...... it’s a reflex he’s conditioned himself into.... regardless of how it started as a tiny baba

Then on top of this, you (completely understandably) panic and get distressed which only confounds his upset.

I would try to establish some tricks to desensitise you both and get you out of the cycle of reactions.

Other things that came to me are, did you have post natal depression? I’d love to see you build up your confidence in being your baby’s mama and conveying to him that you are both safe and happy together.

Does any of this resonate? Happy to chat more if you would like to pm me.

Sending you all hugs.

Thank you for your response. No PND - perfectly happy and grounded and no problems at all other than that he screams at me. It's hard because I think I am a good mum. I read to him when DH holds him (even though DS ignores me), I play next to him even though he won't interact with me. We go on days out and sing songs - just he just doesn't do anything WITH me - I just do things near him or watch him do things with DH. Your association theory might hold some weight so we'll look into that.

@WorriedFTM1

My situation has not been as extreme as you describe but I have definitely had similar thoughts to you. From an early age my son showed very strong preferences towards his dad and would scream and cry if left in the room with just me. He would seek comfort from his dad if he hurt himself or felt scared etc and would scream and push me away if I tried to comfort him. I spent a lot of time trying to analyse why and searching for other people's experiences on the Internet and one of the things that came up was that I was partly responsible by 'bigging up' his dad all the time (look, yay, daddy's home! etc) and as I was on maternity leave and the main caregiver he took me for granted and gravitated towards his dad. I don't think that was entirely it and I know you said you had a more balanced ratio when your son was younger. I would say though that things have slowly got a bit better (my son is just over 2 now) and he doesn't scream when left alone with me like he used to but he still does seem to prefer his dad and his dad's presence. Its tough on both of us. I do feel better about things now though than I used to. I hope things improve for you too.

I'm sorry you've gone through that - it is tough. I've heard many people say it's normal for the parent who's around more to be taken for granted and the parent who's away more to be worshipped - people have told me that's very normal and balances or reverses over time. For me, it's been the same whether I'm around more or DH is around more or we're around an equal amount. I work full time and DH works part time but DS still prefers him. During lockdown we were both at home but I was WFH and DH wasn't working so DS spent more time with him and loved him more. Before lockdown, I WFH but DH was out at work full-time and DS spent more time with me - but still preferred DH.

It sounds incredibly difficult and it doesn't seem just like the usual 'rejecting of one parent' phase that DCs go through. I agree with PPs about recording what is happening and then arranging a GP appointment. Watching back a video might even help you and DH to emotionally disengage from what's happening and see if there are any patterns that you miss when you are in the middle of it.

i had this with one of mine, not quite so extreme, for example it started later and he was always fine if DH was at work. Weekends were a struggle though.

we never fully worked out exactly what was going on. I too was fobbed off with it being 'normal' but once he also had some other delays we had an assessment about age 3. No ASD but some developmental delays and red flags. Things gradually improved over time and he is 11 now and doing well at secondary. he is a lovely boy who was just a bit mixed up early on! I hope that is reassuring for you.

in your shoes now I would be inclined to treat it as a phobia - an irrational mummy phobia! perhaps bribe him with his favourite food/toy which he only has access to via you. Daddy doesn't get it.

A friends Ds was like this in the first few years if she had to visit certain places

She even showed me once.

He was happily in his pram outside a particular place. She then pushed the pram over the threshold and back again and in and out and in and out and he would scream and cry and then be silent as soon as she pulled the pram back out.
Screaming and silence, screaming and silence

No idea why he did this. He is a adult now and doesn’t remember it at all

He just seemed to grow out of it.

I wish you luck. When they are young everything seems to take an age till they are at the next stage and when they get to the next stage there seems to be another problem for them to grow out of.

You’ve had lots of advice about ‘practical’ things to try OP but I honestly think you need to speak to your health visitor fairly urgently. You will be able to find their contact details via your GP surgery. Definitely record some of the interactions you are describing.

Slightly different but my third child was very similar with my husband. Even from newborn if he held her she would cry, and if I ever went out when I came home she would be hysterical and stop when I got back and took her. It was very difficult, and there was no reason for it, my husband is a lovely dad. She is four now and still will get upset sometimes if he does her teeth/food/bedtime but it is rare now and they have a lovely bond.

My understanding is the OP has gone down the HV route already. I loved my HV and saw her with a bunch of odd things about DD’s development and was told not to worry and that DD was lovely. Hindsight has them all pointing firmly at her SN. She started the nursery attached to the state primary and staff asked me why I hadn’t looked into things further. OP - I would go to your GP with your DH. Lay it out, with two of you there. Demonstrate it - get your DH to carry him in and sit him on his lap, then invite the GP to step outside the door along with DH. Ask for a child clinical psychologist.

He was happily in his pram outside a particular place. She then pushed the pram over the threshold and back again and in and out and in and out and he would scream and cry and then be silent as soon as she pulled the pram back out.
Screaming and silence, screaming and silence

That's really odd.

Though there was a row of shops that was similar for a few mothers as they passed or stopped to talk outside- but not all children/babies - where we used to live - turned out they'd installed one of those Mosquito Teenager Deterrent things that were big at the time which then made it make sense.

A newborn cannot express its displeasure as to who its parent is. Similarly, a 16-month doesn't have the cognition skills to deliberately try and pretend to sleep so as to avoid a situation.

In the nicest way, I agree with this. If your ds did that as a 9 month old he is literally a genius. My ds is 3 and there's no way he would come up with the idea of crying, then if the wrong parent comes in being quiet so they leave, then crying again. He would just keep screaming if that happened.

Does your DH agree this is happening the way you perceive?

It can't be anything about your clothes or appearance, as I assume right after the birth you had a tshirt/hospital gown/nothing on, and no make up, perfume or weird hair style. A newborn can't see anyway, their eyes don't focus at first.

I've never heard of this and how strange from him being a tiny baby. Normally they are content with mums feeding them. But as they get older they can go through weird stages.

I agree you should raise your concerns. But he can't possibly hate you from being tiny. He doesn't hate you now either. Just sounds like things need to be altered somewhere and that's going to need professional guidance. X