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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why does my son HATE me?

331 replies

MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 12:22

DS is 16mo and he HATES me. He has always hated me. He loves DH more than anything in the world ever, loves the dogs, loves everyone on the planet except for me. And I have no idea why. If he's left alone in a room with me then he'll scream. He's done this literally since he was born. If I pick him up then he'll scream. He won't take food or water or milk from me, ever. I had to express breastmilk because he wouldn't go on the breast but he would only take a bottle from DH. He just completely refuses from me but if anyone else gives it to him then he's very happy. There are no photos of us together where he's not screaming - not one single photo since the day he was born.
It's not that he's overly attached to DH though, because he's perfectly fine at nursery or with his grandparents or even complete strangers. When my brother visited from living abroad and met him for the first time then he was very happy to play with him and cuddle him - but won't do that with me. When he wakes up and starts to cry, if I go in then he'll look at me and pretend to be asleep so I don't pick him up.
Some people have suggested it's because, as the mother, he sees me all day so takes me for granted but that can't be the case. DH's work are really great so the first eight weeks he got paternity leave and we were both around. Then DH worked four days each week from September to March (and was given five weeks' holiday in that time) so was home a lot. From mid-March, DH was essentially furloughed so was with DS more than I was. Now we're both back at work but I work five days each week and DH works three. So, when DS saw us the same amount he hated me, when he saw me more than DH, he hated me and now he sees DH more than me, he still hates me.
I don't know what to do. I can't take him to the park or shops without DH (or someone else) because he screams the whole time. I've tried changing my perfume and deodorant and things like that but it makes no difference. Everyone says he's the happiest little boy in the world and nursery think he's the easiest baby to look after - I'm the only person he hates.
The birth was fine, no drama there - left hospital the same day.
I don't know how to fix it.

OP posts:

Abouttimemum · 21/10/2020 13:50

This is random but I literally just last night watched an episode of toddlers behaving badly where the parents had this exact same issue (albeit with an older toddler) it was linked to the birth mum’s (it was two mums) subconscious anxiety and tension that toddler was going to cry when left in her presence, and toddler picking up on that. A viscous circle.

He absolutely doesn’t hate you though, don’t think that. I’m sure this is solvable and I agree with previous posters recommendation of professional help.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 21/10/2020 13:50

My friend has the opposite. Babies and Toddlers love her. She's like the Pied Piper of toddlers. Everyone passes her their children to burp or settle them. Young children smile at her and try to engage with her when she's outside.

They seem to like her face which looks very round. She's quite short and fairly quiet. She moves slowly and talks very softly. She's always calm/placid. I don't think she uses perfumes or deodorants as sometimes she pongs a bit.

How well do new-borns see, hear and smell?

Original poster

MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 13:50

I'll definitely be speaking to our GP. To clarify, there have been really lovely moments. Throughout lockdown, I was WHF whilst DH looked after him and I got to see them playing and having a really lovely time. He's a gorgeous, happy little cheesecake with DH so it's not constant or relentless. I just feel like I'm watching a TV show about a father and son rather than having my own family.

OP posts:

Original poster

MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 13:53

@mrsb00

How about if your DH starts being overly affectionate with you? Loads of cuddles and ‘oh lovely mummy’ etc? Will DS eventually see there’s no need to be upset? Sorry clutching at straws here, I would be dumbfounded in your shoes!

DH is pretty cuddly anyway.

OP posts:

Jellycatspyjamas · 21/10/2020 13:53

We don't have another HV thing until he's five apparently. I mentioned it at the last one and she said it's normal.

It’s not normal. He doesn’t hate you (he’s too young to have that kind of processing capacity) but he’s clearly distressed and it’s showing when he’s with you. In my experience professionals will avoid assessment processes as much as possible and write everything off as being normal to delay as much as they can.

He’s too young for an ASD assessment but that doesn’t mean an assessment won’t be valuable in starting to understand his needs. Your GP can put you in touch with health visiting - you can’t possibly wait til his next assessment, you’ll go crazy. I’d write it all out as you have done here - particularly that he is so distressed he isn’t eating or drinking or sleeping, and yes if you can capture it on video that’s helpful too because they can see how extreme his distress is and it’s harder to dismiss.

I can only imagine how hard this is for you - trust your instincts here and push for professional help (you’ll be offered parenting classes first no doubt - just go, smile and nod and keep pressing for support). Clinical psychology might help, but also ask for speech and language therapy, and have things like his hearing checked. At his age it could be any number of things so ask for it all.

Piwlyfbicsly · 21/10/2020 13:54

Sounds really extreme, OP. What a terrible situation to be in.
Please, inform professionals. It’s not normal and I would look into checking about possible special needs.

LadyOfTheImprovisedBath · 21/10/2020 13:54

I wondered if it was a perception issue - but then DD1 at just past a year would insist on certain clothes - to point of finding them - and everyone but DH insisted she was way too young to show such preference.

She has massive material preferences and textures even now she 15 - though not to point she struggles in everyday life. She funny about sound as well though her reception teacher picked that up others still insisted we were imagining it.

If your DH can see this behaviour as well – then I doubt it’s that.

I’d try the HV and GP again maybe take DH along as sadly it may mean it’s less dismissed. I think the red book had contact numbers in - if not googling HV contact details for local service or asking GP for contact details.

If there is some underlying SEN it may become more obvious to others as he gets older - so might be a case or keep trying with HV and GP.

CeibaTree · 21/10/2020 13:54

OP this sounds so hard, you must be feeling so down about this :( I can only echo what pp have said - an urgent consultation with a child psychologist is needed. The cot thing does sound like he is comforted by your presence though which is a positive.

FizzyGreenWater · 21/10/2020 13:54

MrsBobDylan's post is interesting OP. That this could be something to do with ASD, and what he is rejecting is the intensity of touch/interaction?

Firstly the intensity of skin to skin, then bf, then anything to do with the source of the intensity (you). Basically, the opposite of most newborns. When it's less 'personal' - he can handle it?

Likely exacerbated as time goes on as he senses your anxiety and your desire to be closer. Also possibly without realising it your DH is more casual, less eye contact etc-?

FizzyGreenWater · 21/10/2020 13:56

Oh and yes if your HV has already dismissed this as 'normal' - go to GP and insist on referral. It's very very much not normal at all.

Piwlyfbicsly · 21/10/2020 13:58

Also I’m sorry if I sound silly, but could you change the haircut/the clothes you wear to see if it makes any difference at all to how your baby perceives you?

Blueberries0112 · 21/10/2020 13:58

Honestly, your child seem like he showing signs of autism. I have a few family members who are autistic, and they can have preferences. If he does have it, I just want to let you to know that with some help and patience, you two can bond

JS87 · 21/10/2020 13:59

So sorry I have no experience but I noticed that you say you have changed your perfume. Have you tried not wearing any at all? He might be very sensitive to smells. I find perfume gives me a migraine so I hate perfume (not that I'm suggesting that a baby has a headache from it). Some children do have sensory issues around smells so I would say it would be worth going au natural to see if that helps.

Original poster

MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 14:00

@JS87

Yeah, I don't wear it unless I'm going out anyway. And my mum wears perfume and he's fine with her. DH sometimes wears aftershave and he's fine with or without it.

OP posts:

Original poster

MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 14:01

@Blueberries0112

The thing is, he's not showing any other signs of autism. If I weren't there, he'd be exactly as "normal" as anyone could ever hope for.

OP posts:

Blueberries0112 · 21/10/2020 14:03

I would have him tested for it. The sooner , the better for him

ContessaDiPulpo · 21/10/2020 14:03

God, that sounds awful.

A last ditch desperate attempt to work it out: is he like this with any other member of your family, who might be expected to smell similar to you (in terms of secreted chemicals on the skin)?

in any case

JS87 · 21/10/2020 14:04

Long shot but do you wear glasses that he's scared of?

BooseysMom · 21/10/2020 14:04

OP, I'm sorry . I agree this needs referring now. If any one of these health professionals had to live with what you are living with, they'd want answers fast. I don't have any advice other than to say my DM once told I used to cry every time she picked me up. She had tried bf but it didn't work and then she discovered it was a pin on her top that was constantly scratching me. I know it can't be that as it's been going on so long. But it just reminded me. She was of the generation leave them to cry though
I hope you get some answers and things get better for you. Good luck x

Redcups64 · 21/10/2020 14:06

Never heard of anything like this before!

If the 3 if you are in the sofa and your playing with him, does he play back or cry?

Do you play with him?

Original poster

MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 14:07

@ContessaDiPulpo

God, that sounds awful.

A last ditch desperate attempt to work it out: is he like this with any other member of your family, who might be expected to smell similar to you (in terms of secreted chemicals on the skin)?

in any case

Never had any problems with my mum or sister.

OP posts:

Original poster

MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 14:07

@JS87

Long shot but do you wear glasses that he's scared of?

Nope - no glasses. But my mum wears glasses and he loves them.

OP posts:

Original poster

MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 14:09

@Redcups64

Never heard of anything like this before!

If the 3 if you are in the sofa and your playing with him, does he play back or cry?

Do you play with him?

If I try to engage with him then he either moves away or screams. If we're on the sofa, he'll want to be on DH and on the opposite side to where I am. If I reach out to touch him, he'll move. If he can't move or I do it repeatedly then he'll scream.

OP posts:

Haworthia · 21/10/2020 14:10

The thing is, he's not showing any other signs of autism. If I weren't there, he'd be exactly as "normal" as anyone could ever hope for.

Autism comes in many forms, trust me I have two autistic children (well, one officially diagnosed, one not yet diagnosed) and I had absolutely no inkling when they were below 18 months old. In fact, it took me nearly eight years to join the dots and realise that my daughter’s many quirks (and challenging behaviours) pointed to autism.

The problem is, there are so many misconceptions that exist about autism, even from childcare professionals and HCPs. So don’t discount it so soon. You don’t have to count it either - just park it in the back of your mind because you might need to come back to it later.

I’ve just remembered that I listened to a podcast a few weeks ago with a mum who described her son’s extreme sensory processing disorder right from birth. She too found breastfeeding really difficult because he couldn’t bear to touch her as he fed (it’s called Let’s Talk Autism if you want to find it).

I just remembered one more thing - if I looked at ds while he was eating or taking a drink he would stop. If I just left the room entirely he would stop. I had to feed him with my head turned away which was bloody tricky I can tell you!!

Oh wow, that’s some demand avoidance I can well imagine having to do similar when my children were little. I would not go back to those years if you paid me!

Unsure33 · 21/10/2020 14:13

it does not sound like he hates you - how could he from birth ? It sounds like he is scared for some reason .

I really hope you get some help soon. it must be so difficult for you .

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