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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why does my son HATE me?

331 replies

MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 12:22

DS is 16mo and he HATES me. He has always hated me. He loves DH more than anything in the world ever, loves the dogs, loves everyone on the planet except for me. And I have no idea why. If he's left alone in a room with me then he'll scream. He's done this literally since he was born. If I pick him up then he'll scream. He won't take food or water or milk from me, ever. I had to express breastmilk because he wouldn't go on the breast but he would only take a bottle from DH. He just completely refuses from me but if anyone else gives it to him then he's very happy. There are no photos of us together where he's not screaming - not one single photo since the day he was born.
It's not that he's overly attached to DH though, because he's perfectly fine at nursery or with his grandparents or even complete strangers. When my brother visited from living abroad and met him for the first time then he was very happy to play with him and cuddle him - but won't do that with me. When he wakes up and starts to cry, if I go in then he'll look at me and pretend to be asleep so I don't pick him up.
Some people have suggested it's because, as the mother, he sees me all day so takes me for granted but that can't be the case. DH's work are really great so the first eight weeks he got paternity leave and we were both around. Then DH worked four days each week from September to March (and was given five weeks' holiday in that time) so was home a lot. From mid-March, DH was essentially furloughed so was with DS more than I was. Now we're both back at work but I work five days each week and DH works three. So, when DS saw us the same amount he hated me, when he saw me more than DH, he hated me and now he sees DH more than me, he still hates me.
I don't know what to do. I can't take him to the park or shops without DH (or someone else) because he screams the whole time. I've tried changing my perfume and deodorant and things like that but it makes no difference. Everyone says he's the happiest little boy in the world and nursery think he's the easiest baby to look after - I'm the only person he hates.
The birth was fine, no drama there - left hospital the same day.
I don't know how to fix it.

OP posts:
JovialNickname · 21/10/2020 13:10

And just putting this out there... please don't be offended.... are you alright generally and would your husband agree with this? As you perceiving your baby pretending to be asleep when he sees you coming in is ascribing quite a lot of cunning to a 16 month old. I'm not saying it's you, you sound lovely to me, just that it's worth looking at every angle (saying this kindly as someone that had a lot of paranoid beliefs that I didn't realise were paranoid at the time) x

pallisers · 21/10/2020 13:12

you poor thing. I agree with asking for expert help at this point.

How does he react if your dh shows you affection or hugs you/sits with you?

formerbabe · 21/10/2020 13:14

When he wakes up and starts to cry, if I go in then he'll look at me and pretend to be asleep so I don't pick him up

Like a pp said, I don't think a 16 month old is capable of a thought process like this...saying that with kindness.

I think you should see your gp about how you're feeling Flowers

psed · 21/10/2020 13:14

That sounds really tough for you. You don’t have to wait for the health visitor to contact you at the normal review times at 1 and 2. You can contact them any time when your child is between 0-5 for advice and signposting.

MessAllOver · 21/10/2020 13:15

Second the child psychologist suggestion. You've done well to make it this far with your sanity intact if this is what you've had to endure.

No experience of this, but here's a couple of things I might try in your situation. Could you try TV/food? I know it's not ideal and he's a bit young for endless screen time, but I can usually secure DS's affection with these Wink. So maybe cuddle up on the sofa with a piece of pizza or cake and Peppa Pig on your phone so only you can see it... If I did this, DS would have been on my knee like a shot at that age and now I'd get a stern "share, share Mummy"! I also found playing hard to get quite a useful tool when DS was being difficult. I'd set myself up on the floor with an interesting puzzle or toy and completely ignore him. Eventually he'd come to me because he'd want to be involved.

Original poster
MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 13:24

@CloudyVanilla

This sounds so extreme. I didn't even know 16 month olds could do something like stop themselves crying and pretend to be asleep.

Is he your first DC? What is your support network like? What are your day to day interactions with him from your side?

He started doing it at around 9 months and has done it since.
OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 21/10/2020 13:25

My dd never liked me touching her, feeding her, changing her either but wasn’t just like it with me, she was worst with certain people especially women. The first 3 years of her life I felt like a rubbish mum because all she did was cry. She’s now 16 and still hates anyone being to close to her, she hates it if I try and hug her but we have a great relationship. She was diagnosed with High functioning autism when she was 3 years old.

Please don’t think it’s anything you are doing wrong, you sound like an amazing caring mum. Do ask for a referral from your gp/health visitor, tell them your concerns.

JustDavesWife · 21/10/2020 13:26

@ChrisPrattsFace really? This is a parenting forum and you "don't know why she's asking"? Maybe to see if someone can sympathise or tell her that they had the same? Maybe to see if anyone has any suggestions? Maybe just because she's having a really bad day and needs to talk to someone. Have some bloody empathy.

Op I don't have any advice but it sounds very extreme and distressing for you. I would definitely look at some kind of child psychologist involvement. What does your husband say? Does he agree with you? x

Original poster
MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 13:26

@Haworthia

You sound so low and desperate OP, which is understanding given how miserable this must be.

One thing I’m wondering though, is whether your perception of things is entirely objective. You said

When he wakes up and starts to cry, if I go in then he'll look at me and pretend to be asleep so I don't pick him up

And, I say this kindly, I don’t think a baby of 16 months is able to think “Oh no, it’s Mummy, I don’t want her to pick me up, so I’ll pretend to be asleep”.

I do believe you. I do believe there is something going on here, behaviourally, that might warrant further investigation. What you describe definitely isn’t normal. But I also wanted to point you that you sound incredibly depressed, and that you’re maybe interpreting some of your baby’s behaviour as being sly and manipulative, when it isn’t.

I think you need help, for your mental health and your baby. You need to be really frank with a GP and HV or both.

I know I sound crazy but I don't know what else it could be. He's stood up in his cot, if I go in then he snuggles back down and closes his eyes. If I pick him up then he cries and if I leave he starts to cry again. He just wants DH to pick him up.
OP posts:
Original poster
MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 13:27

@JovialNickname

And just putting this out there... please don't be offended.... are you alright generally and would your husband agree with this? As you perceiving your baby pretending to be asleep when he sees you coming in is ascribing quite a lot of cunning to a 16 month old. I'm not saying it's you, you sound lovely to me, just that it's worth looking at every angle (saying this kindly as someone that had a lot of paranoid beliefs that I didn't realise were paranoid at the time) x
No, nothing. I've never had any mental health problems at all and I don't feel any kind of depression beyond just being rationally upset that I can't have any nice memories with my son.
OP posts:
Original poster
MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 13:28

@pallisers

you poor thing. I agree with asking for expert help at this point.

How does he react if your dh shows you affection or hugs you/sits with you?

He's fine with that
OP posts:
Emeeno1 · 21/10/2020 13:28

I think this may be maternal anxiety. You have experienced a tough start and your anxiety has fillled in the gaps with a narrative that your son hates you.

There is lots of help online regarding anxiety, often we do not recognise it or ourselves as anxious. It can make us think and feel all sorts of things are true when they are not.

Your son loves you, believe this.

queenofknives · 21/10/2020 13:28

I've never heard of anything like this and it sounds very upsetting for both you and your son OP. Agree with others saying push for child psychologist and any other sources of help/advice.

Original poster
MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 13:29

@psed

That sounds really tough for you. You don’t have to wait for the health visitor to contact you at the normal review times at 1 and 2. You can contact them any time when your child is between 0-5 for advice and signposting.
How do I contact them? I've never been given any contact info for them?
OP posts:
queenofknives · 21/10/2020 13:31

He's stood up in his cot, if I go in then he snuggles back down and closes his eyes. If I pick him up then he cries and if I leave he starts to cry again
Could it be that he feels comforted when you are in the room, but doesn't want to be picked up at that point? If he snuggles down in bed when you go in, and cries when you leave, it would suggest that he's calmed by your presence?

Blueberries0112 · 21/10/2020 13:32

Have his hearing check? Maybe he can’t hear certain sounds well but can hear bass sound better?

Original poster
MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 13:33

@queenofknives

He's stood up in his cot, if I go in then he snuggles back down and closes his eyes. If I pick him up then he cries and if I leave he starts to cry again Could it be that he feels comforted when you are in the room, but doesn't want to be picked up at that point? If he snuggles down in bed when you go in, and cries when you leave, it would suggest that he's calmed by your presence?
It could be. But it would be the ONLY time he's comforted by me. When DH goes in, he doesn't snuggle back down but reaches his arms out to be cuddled.
OP posts:
D4rwin · 21/10/2020 13:40

The cot thing does make it sound like he's entirely safe and comfortable in your presence. He wants you there, just perhaps in a non expected way. I wonder if some (not all) of these feelings stem from his initial rejection of breastfeeding? Not that it matters NOW.

If he's not much of a cuddles with you child but he's bigger now I wonder if there's some activity you could find to do with him (swimming? Teaching him to use a scooter or balance bike) Where he will "demonstrate" his trust in you?

Sturmundcalm · 21/10/2020 13:43

I would phone GP surgery and insist on speaking to either a GP or a HV today. If he's gone without liquid since bedtime last night on the basis he won't take it from you that's really extreme, and you need to get advice on how long you can allow that to continue. babies and young children can dehydrate really quickly - and if he's screaming that won't be helping!

really sorry you're having to deal with this - must be so difficult.

MrsBobDylan · 21/10/2020 13:43

I really would advise you to talk this through with you HV. I contacted mine when ds2 was15 months old because I was worried.

At 15months old my ds wouldn't let me hold him facing towards me. I had to face him away from me. He didn't cry when I left the room and sometimes he would reach for a complete stranger when he was in my arms.

If he woke in the night he didn't want me to touch him or pick him up. I used to sit on the floor next to his cot because I couldn't bear to leave him crying alone.

If he hurt himself he wouldn't let me comfort him.

The HV came and observed him at 18mths old and referred him to the Child Development Centre. At 23mths he saw the Paed and was referred for an ASD assessment and was diagnosed at 2.5yrs.

What I realised with my son is that I was constantly looking for interaction with him. DH likes his own space but I wanted ds to cuddle with me, breast feed and make lots of eye contact. DH was very hands on but probably didn't ask all those things of ds as much as I did, so he didn't notice ds wasn't able to be close.

Also, as my son go older I realised he didn't like my hair down so I used to wear it up all the time.

I hope it's not this op, but it is worth looking into.

HandsFaceSpace · 21/10/2020 13:44

Veteran of the special needs board here as are others from names i recognise.

You need to start and keep a video diary. In particular because psychologists will find that easier right now than a face to face.

Remember: when you say it, it's anecdote. When they see it, it's "evidence".

FizzyGreenWater · 21/10/2020 13:47

Yes you need help. This isn't just about your son - it's about you too. You are also important. This sounds like hell and you have said you can't take it anymore - I am not surprised.

Child psychologist I would say is the first step. Not sure I'd bother with a health visitor who tells you at 16 months that she next sees you at age 5 Hmm - there's supposed to be a 2 or 3 year review. Anyway, this sounds a bit beyond their scope.

The logical thing from what you've described is that there is an issue of some sort which is linked (for him) to the primary bond. I know you said it wasn't a traumatic birth but maybe it was for him... I really don't know - none of that sounds plausible or likely but I'm not a child psych. But yes, it sounds like you really need to investigate and no, it's not normal.

Flowers - sounds really tough.

Original poster
MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 13:47

@D4rwin

The cot thing does make it sound like he's entirely safe and comfortable in your presence. He wants you there, just perhaps in a non expected way. I wonder if some (not all) of these feelings stem from his initial rejection of breastfeeding? Not that it matters NOW. If he's not much of a cuddles with you child but he's bigger now I wonder if there's some activity you could find to do with him (swimming? Teaching him to use a scooter or balance bike) Where he will "demonstrate" his trust in you?
The breast feeding issue stems from him literally not wanting be touching me. He was put straight onto my chest when he was born and he was screaming - which I assume is normal. But when the midwife took him and put him on the scales, he stopped crying. Passed back to me and he screamed again. DH washed and dressed him and he was fine - and he just screamed when he was passed back to me. It's been the same ever since. I then expressed milk and DH gave him to him. He loves cuddling with everyone else. We go swimming and have since he was three months old (apart from lockdown) and he screams if I hold him and would probably rather drown to be honest. He has a scuttlebug thing (like a tricycle) and he loves it - but ignores me. He pretty much teaches himself everything. If I try to play with him then he's fine as long as I don't touch him or get in his way (and as long as someone else is in the room) - like, we can play with blocks together but he won't engage with me. If DH plays blocks with him then he'll pass DH blocks and speak (not real words) to him. I just get to play near him instead of with him.
OP posts:
mrsb00 · 21/10/2020 13:47

How about if your DH starts being overly affectionate with you? Loads of cuddles and ‘oh lovely mummy’ etc? Will DS eventually see there’s no need to be upset? Sorry clutching at straws here, I would be dumbfounded in your shoes!

MrsBobDylan · 21/10/2020 13:48

Good advice from @HandsFaceSpace . It is really helpful for you too, to see all the things which 'aren't right' written down. Lots of them only made sense to me years later as I got to understand my child more.

I just remembered one more thing - if I looked at ds while he was eating or taking a drink he would stop. If I just left the room entirely he would stop. I had to feed him with my head turned away which was bloody tricky I can tell you!!