Why does my son HATE me?

[MootingMirror]

DS is 16mo and he HATES me. He has always hated me. He loves DH more than anything in the world ever, loves the dogs, loves everyone on the planet except for me. And I have no idea why. If he's left alone in a room with me then he'll scream. He's done this literally since he was born. If I pick him up then he'll scream. He won't take food or water or milk from me, ever. I had to express breastmilk because he wouldn't go on the breast but he would only take a bottle from DH. He just completely refuses from me but if anyone else gives it to him then he's very happy. There are no photos of us together where he's not screaming - not one single photo since the day he was born.
It's not that he's overly attached to DH though, because he's perfectly fine at nursery or with his grandparents or even complete strangers. When my brother visited from living abroad and met him for the first time then he was very happy to play with him and cuddle him - but won't do that with me. When he wakes up and starts to cry, if I go in then he'll look at me and pretend to be asleep so I don't pick him up.
Some people have suggested it's because, as the mother, he sees me all day so takes me for granted but that can't be the case. DH's work are really great so the first eight weeks he got paternity leave and we were both around. Then DH worked four days each week from September to March (and was given five weeks' holiday in that time) so was home a lot. From mid-March, DH was essentially furloughed so was with DS more than I was. Now we're both back at work but I work five days each week and DH works three. So, when DS saw us the same amount he hated me, when he saw me more than DH, he hated me and now he sees DH more than me, he still hates me.
I don't know what to do. I can't take him to the park or shops without DH (or someone else) because he screams the whole time. I've tried changing my perfume and deodorant and things like that but it makes no difference. Everyone says he's the happiest little boy in the world and nursery think he's the easiest baby to look after - I'm the only person he hates.
The birth was fine, no drama there - left hospital the same day.
I don't know how to fix it.

@Haworthia

And, I say this kindly, I don’t think a baby of 16 months is able to think “Oh no, it’s Mummy, I don’t want her to pick me up, so I’ll pretend to be asleep”.

My baby started nursery at 11 months and hated it at first - she would scream until I left the building, then she would pretend to be asleep until I got back. they knew she was pretending because they sometimes caught her peeping and when she saw them looking she'd shut her eyes again and keep pretending. It's a stress reaction, a defence mechanism against a situation they don't want to be in. Absolutely not beyond a 16mo.

Sorry if this is a blunt question but do you feel love and a bond with your son? I wonder if you read too much into him crying on you as a newborn. New babies are not conscious to prefer one parent over another but maybe you felt that way early on and if affected your attachment to him. I work with older children and I know that they are very aware of when an adult feels frustrated or negative towards them. Sorry, no blame at all here. It sounds like a very unfortunate situation that you had no control over.

@HarleyQuinn33

Sorry if this is a blunt question but do you feel love and a bond with your son? I wonder if you read too much into him crying on you as a newborn. New babies are not conscious to prefer one parent over another but maybe you felt that way early on and if affected your attachment to him. I work with older children and I know that they are very aware of when an adult feels frustrated or negative towards them. Sorry, no blame at all here. It sounds like a very unfortunate situation that you had no control over.

I adore every single inch of him. He is the most incredible bundle I have ever come across. He's my whole world and he's just gorgeous in every way.

I'm really glad you don't have PND but I'm not sure how you haven't had it - it must be so distressing for you.

I'd be tempted to push on through the distress until he calms down - surely there's only so long he can sustain the crying without calming down or falling asleep?

This is similar to an approach for phobias called flooding (maybe look this up)

At the moment what could be happening is that his distress is 'working for him' - he doesn't presently want to be with you and can keep you at bay, or in limited contact through his distress - so he's achieving what he wants (from a conditioning, behavioural perspective...and no I don't think that's far fetched or involves cunning, it's a simple conditioned response that can happen without elaborate higher level cognitive processes).

If he can see that staying with you for an extended period of time results in no harm to him he will start learning a new response towards you...but if he's always removed from his present source of distress through his behaviour he can't learn this new association that no harm will come and all is well.

My Mum had this with my brother. She was convinced that he hated her - in hindsight, I think one of the issues may have been reflux (she talks about him arching his back and projectile vomiting after feeds), so maybe there was a negative association there. But I agree with the advice here - get a professional assessment. Something is definitely going on, and it may take some real detective work to determine the triggers. I remember having to do that with my son, who used to have regular meltdowns - mainly about food. If you put the bowl down in the wrong way, if you tried to feed him while still holding the bowl, if there was something on his plate he wasn't sure about - it was exhausting, and every meltdown lasted a good 45 minutes, with no way out of it. We just had to wait until it was over. I would do some reading to find some common triggers, and investigate those. But it's not you - it's nothing that you're doing, your baby just has some needs that fall outside of those that are expected. Maybe you can discover what they are by yourself, but it's more likely that you will need a professional to find out what they are.

Yes, I'd also pleasantly ignore as much as you can if he gets upset when left with you. Just read a book or do housework or start doing an activity which he can choose to engage in with you. Similarly, make food available to him but if he won't eat, don't stress. One trick that works when DS is being difficult about food is to pretend to give it away. "Ok, you don't want your pasta. Can Teddy have it?". Then I pretend to have a lovely meal with Teddy in DS's seat eating all the food. That usually works pretty quickly to bring him to table!

OP that sounds so so hard. Children often have a profound preference for one parent or the other but this usually goes with having issues with anyone who isn't that parent, instead of a specific antipathy for one person and being fine with anyone else.

Absolutely push for a referral. Keep a video diary of your days at home and your interactions with him, take it to the GP. Ask to be referred to a child psychologist. Do not take no for an answer.

It will be hard for your DH too always having to be 'the one'. You are both doing really well surviving this and supporting each other.

The only other totally wild card thing I would suggest is start to bedshare with your son. I assume DH has to put him down at the moment? get him a mattress on the floor of his room instead of a cot, and when you go to bed at night join him there. He may lose the plot a bit at first but sleeping together is a very intimate and bonding thing - don't touch him if he doesn't like that, just be there and sleep (or pretend to be asleep!) when he wakes up - may mean he gets more used to being around you in a non-threatening way, if he is perceiving your attempts to interact with him as threatening. Ditto possibly bathing with him if your bath is big enough - again don't interact with him too much, let your DH do hat they would usually do in the bath but just be there with him in the water. I know this may sound mad. But a lot of the mother child bond is based on intense physical intimacy as a newborn - it may be you need to try and go right back to basics to build that from scratch.

Ignore the people who don't believe you re the sleeping, babies and toddlers are canny little creatures and what you describe is exactly in line with what my DD did when she was in a situation she wasn't happy with or didn't get the 'right' caregiver respond to her cries. You aren't crazy; and you are doing everything you can xx

I adore every single inch of him. He is the most incredible bundle I have ever come across. He's my whole world and he's just gorgeous in every way.

See to me this is the weird part. If you have literally not had one single nice interaction with your ds in his whole life how can you have any sort of bond with him?

Have you tried ignoring him - say over 2 days when husband stays away too and there is no one else except you? Ignore him as much as possible until he asked for food or drink?

If you have literally not had one single nice interaction with your ds in his whole life how can you have any sort of bond with him?

Because it's her child?! What an unhelpful comment.

It sounds like your mental health is not quite right. It's a very biased and odd way for a mentally healthy parent to talk about their child. Please get help for PND.

I'm so sorry I don't have any advice so unsure why I'm posting but just wanted to say you sound like a wonderful mum who loves her son unconditionally despite difficult circumstances. I can see from your posts you have tried a number of things and sought out help and are desperate to improve things. I'm sorry I don't know what to suggest but just wanted to say please be kind to yourself xxx

The hell is wrong with you tara? The child is 16 months old wtf are you on about ignoring the child? Honestly some posters scare me with the shit they post.

If you’re going to touch him warn him before hand. Stick to the back, shoulders and head (if he’ll let you with that last one). Make sure you touch him firmly, do not touch him gently. Some children perceive gentle touches as painful. Make your voice deeper when speaking to him too.

DS has ASD. Reacted similarly whenever I touched or spoke to him. Gentle touches and sounds are painful for him.

When he wakes up and starts to cry, if I go in then he'll look at me and pretend to be asleep so I don't pick him up.

I am so sorry OP but this really made me laugh. Your DS may hate you (I’m sure he doesn’t) but my God he’s a clever little thing isn’t he?!! Apart from that I have never heard of anything like this so have nothing helpful to advise I’m afraid, but I’m sure (fingers crossed) he will grow out of this soon.

You sound like a lovely mum by the way
Have you tried wearing an old t-shirt of your Dhs? Maybe a nightshirt he's worn a couple of nights in a row or something. The smell might help.
But also... when mine was a baby they used to really freak out around my (identical) twin sister. And later on when she had a baby hers did a bit around me as well. They grew out of it but I think it might have been the uncannyness of someone who looked like me but wasn't. It wasn't that they hated us though, just that they were confused I think. And now mine loves their aunt.

@justilou1

I think you should ask for an assessment ASAP. (For you and DS) Perhaps this is a sign of some kind of ASD...?

I came on to say similar.

I went through this with my little boy and could have written your post OP.

It broke my heart as I loved him so much and he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me, any attempted affection from me would result in him pushing me away and getting stressed/screaming.

He's almost 3 now and is in the process of having an ADOS assessment for autism, but we all know he has it. It's very obvious to all who meet him now that he's older.

@CassieNightingale

It sounds like your mental health is not quite right. It's a very biased and odd way for a mentally healthy parent to talk about their child. Please get help for PND.

This is an odd comment. It sounds very much like the issue is with OP's son, not her mental health.

If he's done it since birth, could it be your voice that's bothering him for some reason? My eldest son recognized my voice from birth. Maybe it bothers his ears or something.

No suggestions OP, just want to say that little boy is so lucky to have you be his mummy - lots of people would have caved and built up resentment, but your love for your DS just shines through all your posts. Really hope things let up and you manage to get some help for you both.

OP do you know what the infant flags are for ASD? Because they might not be what you are thinking when you tell us all how normal your child is.

Here are some. And don't think about if he does these for other people, think about if he does them for YOU.

•	Loss of previously acquired speech, babbling or social skills
•	Avoidance of eye contact
•	Persistent preference for solitude
•	Difficulty understanding other people’s feelings
•	Delayed language development
•	Persistent repetition of words or phrases (echolalia)
•	Resistance to minor changes in routine or surroundings
•	Restricted interests
•	Repetitive behaviors (flapping, rocking, spinning, etc.)
•	Unusual and intense reactions to sounds, smells, tastes, textures, lights and/or colors

I'd be tempted to push on through the distress until he calms down - surely there's only so long he can sustain the crying without calming down or falling asleep?
Everyone said that with DD1 - first DGC - she always outlasted them and all such activities did were distress her and us.

She was a Velcro baby barley tolerating DH holding her in first months and after that only us no-one else. Second baby anyone could hold thus proving apparently that DD1 behaviour was down to me - and third exactly like first– in my arms or screaming most of first year forcing us to co-sleep.

Something is definitely going on, and it may take some real detective work to determine the triggers. I remember having to do that with my son,

It can be hard to work out what they are or when they're older to get people to take them seriously but I think they'll be some trigger around you that's causing all this - though possibly you're now in a negative feedback loop.

If it's your physical presence that's the problem, I wonder if you could start small and perhaps Facetime DS and DH from another room. Play a silly faces game with DH and have him encourage DS to join in. If that's successful you could upgrade to through a window or something. Or if it's being able to see you that's the problem, maybe you could read him a story over Facetime, but without your face on show. Basically find some tiny way in which he can have a positive interaction with you and then build super slowly from there.

It's sounds so hard and you sound great though

@BoggledBudgie

If you’re going to touch him warn him before hand. Stick to the back, shoulders and head (if he’ll let you with that last one). Make sure you touch him firmly, do not touch him gently. Some children perceive gentle touches as painful. Make your voice deeper when speaking to him too.

DS has ASD. Reacted similarly whenever I touched or spoke to him. Gentle touches and sounds are painful for him.

This.

I’d get him assessed ASAP for ASD. It’s a big spectrum and the sooner you and he get help the better.
Good luck OP. This has to be heartbreaking for you.