Why does my son HATE me?

[MootingMirror]

DS is 16mo and he HATES me. He has always hated me. He loves DH more than anything in the world ever, loves the dogs, loves everyone on the planet except for me. And I have no idea why. If he's left alone in a room with me then he'll scream. He's done this literally since he was born. If I pick him up then he'll scream. He won't take food or water or milk from me, ever. I had to express breastmilk because he wouldn't go on the breast but he would only take a bottle from DH. He just completely refuses from me but if anyone else gives it to him then he's very happy. There are no photos of us together where he's not screaming - not one single photo since the day he was born.
It's not that he's overly attached to DH though, because he's perfectly fine at nursery or with his grandparents or even complete strangers. When my brother visited from living abroad and met him for the first time then he was very happy to play with him and cuddle him - but won't do that with me. When he wakes up and starts to cry, if I go in then he'll look at me and pretend to be asleep so I don't pick him up.
Some people have suggested it's because, as the mother, he sees me all day so takes me for granted but that can't be the case. DH's work are really great so the first eight weeks he got paternity leave and we were both around. Then DH worked four days each week from September to March (and was given five weeks' holiday in that time) so was home a lot. From mid-March, DH was essentially furloughed so was with DS more than I was. Now we're both back at work but I work five days each week and DH works three. So, when DS saw us the same amount he hated me, when he saw me more than DH, he hated me and now he sees DH more than me, he still hates me.
I don't know what to do. I can't take him to the park or shops without DH (or someone else) because he screams the whole time. I've tried changing my perfume and deodorant and things like that but it makes no difference. Everyone says he's the happiest little boy in the world and nursery think he's the easiest baby to look after - I'm the only person he hates.
The birth was fine, no drama there - left hospital the same day.
I don't know how to fix it.

it sounds to me too that it is something connected with birth trauma.
but what to do now ?
also i din't quite understand, where you said he has never accepted food/drink from you, even leaving it for him to take, yet you said when your husband was away that you did everything for baby, inc feeding him.
what about if you just had a rest, like a weekend away.
could your mother or someone else help your husband care for baby while you go stay with friends/relatives.
have a complete break. but not too far away.
what do you think. you need a rest. do something different. go for long walks. chill out. guess it might be difficult at moment.

This sounds awful OP. I'm also wondering how you managed when you looked after him all day if he has literally never taken food or water from you? Did he refuse to eat or drink all day until your DH returned home?

If he screams non-stop when he is left alone with you, what happened when you had him on your own for days on end whilst your DH was at work?

www.infantmentalhealth.com/
This clinic in North London specialises in problems that start in early infancy. You can do consultations by Skype or phone if you’re not in London. Might be worth getting in touch.

I do wish people would now stop turning themselves inside out to try and pick up on any tiny point that might not have been covered.

The issue is clearly so much bigger than something that could possibly be 'solved' by changing one thing.

OP's DS has a huge aversion to her. She's been aware or it since day 1 and sounds as if both she and other family members have tried everything they can think of to both explore and solve it. Nothing has made any difference.

The only reasonable step is to either go private or get a referral for a child psychologist, and start real specialist assessment.

If that starts to throw up issues with OP's mode of relating to DS, that's also useful.

But things are way beyond looking at how he was fed during lockdown or what shirt someone is wearing.

I haven’t read the whole thread so I apologise if I am repeating what others have said. I wouldn’t bother going through the NHS, waiting lists are long and they aren’t set up to provide the specific help you need. The sooner this is resolved the better. Pay for a private psychologist or child psychotherapist to observe your interactions and then advise going forward.

@LadyGrey321

www.infantmentalhealth.com/ This clinic in North London specialises in problems that start in early infancy. You can do consultations by Skype or phone if you’re not in London. Might be worth getting in touch.

I would really recommend this clinic.

Don't bother with a health visitor. You need a paediatrician. You will probably have to pay (sorry).

@FizzyGreenWater

I do wish people would now stop turning themselves inside out to try and pick up on any tiny point that might not have been covered.

The issue is clearly so much bigger than something that could possibly be 'solved' by changing one thing.

OP's DS has a huge aversion to her. She's been aware or it since day 1 and sounds as if both she and other family members have tried everything they can think of to both explore and solve it. Nothing has made any difference.

The only reasonable step is to either go private or get a referral for a child psychologist, and start real specialist assessment.

If that starts to throw up issues with OP's mode of relating to DS, that's also useful.

But things are way beyond looking at how he was fed during lockdown or what shirt someone is wearing.

Yep!

I don't think people are querying a tiny point. OP said her DS has never taken a piece of food from her or a drink. However she has been alone with him for hours when her DH was working so if he did accept food and drink from her during that time then perhaps that provides a glimmer of hope? If he literally wouldn't eat or drink a single thing until her DH returned home then obviously that is even more extremely worrying.

This happened to me with my first son he was a premiee baby and was in the nicu for 3 month. After we brought him home he never wanted me at, since my husband worked so much he tolerated me but never show me anykind of affection. He even cried for his therapy nurse when she left and he had only met her that day. I could hug him or kiss him he would crited and run away.
This is very hard to desl with as a mother everyone told me it was in my head and i knew it wasnt my first born son hated me. And it was heartbreaking.

It wasnt until my son was 2 when i got pregnant with my second son (who was not like this) that my first born started warming up to me now hes the most loving little towards my geart could ask for. Although he does have his moments where he prefers i not hug him or kiss him but those are very few and far between.

Hold your head keep trying

@Eastie77

I don't think people are querying a tiny point. OP said her DS has never taken a piece of food from her or a drink. However she has been alone with him for hours when her DH was working so if he did accept food and drink from her during that time then perhaps that provides a glimmer of hope? If he literally wouldn't eat or drink a single thing until her DH returned home then obviously that is even more extremely worrying.

She's already said that he hasn't and won't - it's literally in her first few posts. So yes it IS extremely worrying.

From the timeline she gives here:

DH's work are really great so the first eight weeks he got paternity leave and we were both around. Then DH worked four days each week from September to March (and was given five weeks' holiday in that time) so was home a lot. From mid-March, DH was essentially furloughed so was with DS more than I was. Now we're both back at work but I work five days each week and DH works three.

• it would seem to me that the DH has been around frequently enough for them to muddle through with the feeding - he would presumably be fed before work then probably struggle through until DH was home again. So it's horrible but he's not starved. The day she posted, the DH had gone before he woke so she was really concerned that he hadn't been hydrated/fed before the day with her alone started.

It seems pretty clear.

Hi Mootingmirror,

I have a son who is now 7. We has something similar to what you have experienced. However DS would only accept me. He could be in the deepest sleep and if he felt me pass him to anyone else he would scream the house down.

However breastfeeding also failed for us as he seemed to hate it, didn't want to be that close etc. He would not accept food, milk or any contact from DP at all. Only from me or his sister who was 2 when he was born.

When he was 16 months old I went into hospital to have DD2 and had to stay in for 4 days. He cried for 2 days solid before finally accepting some food and comfort from my mum, and the next day from DP.

I had no concerns about him having any special needs. A year later at age 2 and a half he was diagnosed with autism, he is now severe enough to still be non verbal (he did talk/babble as a toddler but stopped aged 18 months) and attends a special school, so.please don't rule out SEN as a cause. He gave eye contact and babbled etc none of the earlier traditional signs of autism. He was about 18-20 months when I started suspecting that something might be amiss as he startled lining up toys, stopped babbling, stopped making eye contact etc.

If it provides any comfort that after those 4 days he accepted DP more and now aged 7 I'd say he honestly prefers DP to me, will always go to DP first if he wants anything.

Could it be that his reactions are mixed up in some way? So what we’d think of as negative reactions and behaviours are actually the opposite for him?

Does he say any words yet? I mean if it gets to the stage where he does appear to be neurotypical, but really does and has always hated you, isn’t that going to be, well...creepy?

What does your DH do to help?

DD was similar but not as extreme with DH and we decided to slowly do a transition.

So me and DD played and he sat silently and didn’t make eye contact
Then he moved to helping pass a brick or whatever
Then he would join in for a minute
Then longer

Then moved to me getting a drink and returning in a minute
And just built it up slowly

I wonder what would happen if you had something nice on a plate? Let your DH pinch a bit and share it with DH and build it up?

I haven't read the full thread, and perhaps someone will have suggested this already, but it seems to me your husband should stay elsewhere for a week or maybe 2! You should book time off work and spend the whole time with your son, do everything with him. Maybe this will break the habits that you have both got into.

Hi everyone,
Just thought I should post an update. DH went and stayed next door for two nights so he was nearby if I really needed him. DS screamed for what felt like an eternity but eventually, he just cried himself to sleep on the floor of his room. When I picked him up he started to cry but I gave him his bottle and he took it!! I took him into my bed (we don't bed share but I was a bit weak) and cuddled him and he didn't scream and fell back to sleep. The next day was a bit better - he cried the whole time but didn't scream as much. He'd take food that wasn't directly from me if I left it for him. That night, he let me put him down into his cot. I tried almost everything suggested on this thread - theraplay and ignoring him and playing with his toys etc. I took him to the shops with me and he didn't cry at all - I think he was happier because there were other people there. Things are so much better now. He still screams when DH leaves the room but he calms down. He'll actually cuddle me sometimes too!
Obviously not perfect yet but he's already so much happier with me. Right now, I'm on the sofa and he's taking a nap leaning up against me and DH isn't even in the room!!! I mainly posted here because I was feeling sorry for myself and overwhelmed and wanted a bit of a handhold - I can't believe that your advice has changed my life so much in such a short space of time.

That’s an excellent outcome!!!
I’m really pleased that things have settled down for you. I hope they will carry on improving and you will get your ds ask so to speak :)

🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

Fabulous xx

You know, he never hated you OP.

Well done, keep at it x

Brilliant! Well done op and your little one

So pleased for you

Lovely update OP! Hope it keeps moving in the right direction

💚

Wow, that's fantastic, keep at it!