Why does my son HATE me?

[MootingMirror]

DS is 16mo and he HATES me. He has always hated me. He loves DH more than anything in the world ever, loves the dogs, loves everyone on the planet except for me. And I have no idea why. If he's left alone in a room with me then he'll scream. He's done this literally since he was born. If I pick him up then he'll scream. He won't take food or water or milk from me, ever. I had to express breastmilk because he wouldn't go on the breast but he would only take a bottle from DH. He just completely refuses from me but if anyone else gives it to him then he's very happy. There are no photos of us together where he's not screaming - not one single photo since the day he was born.
It's not that he's overly attached to DH though, because he's perfectly fine at nursery or with his grandparents or even complete strangers. When my brother visited from living abroad and met him for the first time then he was very happy to play with him and cuddle him - but won't do that with me. When he wakes up and starts to cry, if I go in then he'll look at me and pretend to be asleep so I don't pick him up.
Some people have suggested it's because, as the mother, he sees me all day so takes me for granted but that can't be the case. DH's work are really great so the first eight weeks he got paternity leave and we were both around. Then DH worked four days each week from September to March (and was given five weeks' holiday in that time) so was home a lot. From mid-March, DH was essentially furloughed so was with DS more than I was. Now we're both back at work but I work five days each week and DH works three. So, when DS saw us the same amount he hated me, when he saw me more than DH, he hated me and now he sees DH more than me, he still hates me.
I don't know what to do. I can't take him to the park or shops without DH (or someone else) because he screams the whole time. I've tried changing my perfume and deodorant and things like that but it makes no difference. Everyone says he's the happiest little boy in the world and nursery think he's the easiest baby to look after - I'm the only person he hates.
The birth was fine, no drama there - left hospital the same day.
I don't know how to fix it.

This sounds so stressful. My instinct would be that you need to spend some solid unbroken alone time with him for say a weekend just you and him and break this cycle so he learns to accept you, don’t give any alternative, it will be hard but if you can Push past this point of him screaming, maybe you can create a new positive association of you in his mind. I don’t think he would starve or dehydrate himself to a serious level, his survival instincts would kick in before then. I could be wrong but I would think that even though 16 months is young, he is old enough to be able to establish a pattern in his mind that if he cries enough daddy will come. Not that he’s manipulating the situation but the reason babies cry is to get their needs met, if his dad comes running every time to rescue the situation this may be an established pattern. Definitely try and get the HV around and really stress to her that this behaviour is constant and is really affecting you both. If she won’t help then say you’d like to speak to someone else, or escalate it with the gp.

You should be able to google your local HV, each one is assigned an area as far as I'm aware. Your GP should know.
Either way, don't be fobbed off by medical staff by being told it's normal. I know every child is different but I've not heard of this behaviour before certainly not as extremely. Keep pushing someone to take you seriously, no one knows your child and if your instinct is that something isn't right, then I would trust that instinct.

*like you do

I watched a TV show not long ago with a really similar situation. It was on C4 I think, the modern equivalent of Supernanny. The expert did a fab job of identifying and addressing the problem, I would try to find that show and see if that approach works for you. If not apply to go on the show, she is great!

You both need professional help. I believe what you are saying but I think the stress of the situation is clearly having a severe impact on your mental health as a baby, at 9 months, would not be pretending to sleep when you come in. I completely understand it must feel like that though, I can't imagine how hard this must be for you

Something definitely doesn't seem right OP, you definitely need assessments done. Is there such a thing as babies smelling our pheromones or lack of? I don't know what it could be if he really is fine with everyone else.

Both my DS are not overly cuddly at all and I'm far from a mumsy mum, my DH is a very hands on dad but both my sons are happy to be with me, thankfully!

PP mentioned keeping a video diary - it sounds like a good plan - to help spot anything not obvious in the moment that might be causing this and to have some evidence to show professionals.

I honestly don't think he hates you at his age - but there is clearly something that needs further investigating.

I had one just like this!! I can say now he is now 17 and never had any type of adhd and is my complete best friend. I swear his first words were 'I want my daddy' no joke. I remember one day DH left for work and as soon as DH shut the door he started to howl and cry shouting repeatedly 'I want my daddy, I want my daddy' I started sobbing as I was just back in that place, then DH opened the door and came back in as he had forgotten something, saw me and said 'whats wrong with you!' I sobbed that i couldnt cope with him and hat I needed to sign him up for a nursery for a few hours so I could have a break, which I did, then we moved house later that year. When exactly it changed I cant remember but it did change :) And like i said we then became thick as thieves :) He was my 3rd and I went on to have more children but never had a situation like that with any of the others. I would say it is just a shitty phase.

Have you tried wearing your DH deodorant/aftershave? Maybe smelling similar would comfort him?

Put one of your DHs unwashed T-shirts on?

But I'd also try 48 hours solo! And bribe him with chocolate buttons!

Apologises if I've missed this but is he your only child? And slightly strange question but was he planned and did you want children or go along with things as it was something you thought you should do?

The reason I ask is that my mother had a similar narrative when she had me. I wasn't planned, she was 42, married for 22 years and I came along. She didn't like children and was not maternal in the least. I was a fairly demanding child (precocious, sensitive, argumentative and prone to meltdowns) and the narrative as I grew up was that I 'hated' her. She said 'when you were born they handed you to me and you gave me a 'look' as if to say 'why do you have to be my mother'? That kind of set the tone for our relationship. She pushed back and wanted life to be as it had been before I was born. She was stressed, I was stressed. As a young child I adored my grandmother and had a better relationship with her.

What I'm trying to say is that a lot of what my mother perceived was just that - a perception - that wasn't accurate. A newborn cannot express its displeasure as to who its parent is. Similarly, a 16-month doesn't have the cognition skills to deliberately try and pretend to sleep so as to avoid a situation.

If your husband read this thread would he agree with your assessment or be bewildered at how you see things?

Sorry if I'm barking up the wrong tree and it does sound like you need to see a doctor or psychologist so do get that ball rolling. Hope things improve.

@stairgates

I had one just like this!! I can say now he is now 17 and never had any type of adhd and is my complete best friend. I swear his first words were 'I want my daddy' no joke. I remember one day DH left for work and as soon as DH shut the door he started to howl and cry shouting repeatedly 'I want my daddy, I want my daddy' I started sobbing as I was just back in that place, then DH opened the door and came back in as he had forgotten something, saw me and said 'whats wrong with you!' I sobbed that i couldnt cope with him and hat I needed to sign him up for a nursery for a few hours so I could have a break, which I did, then we moved house later that year. When exactly it changed I cant remember but it did change :) And like i said we then became thick as thieves :) He was my 3rd and I went on to have more children but never had a situation like that with any of the others. I would say it is just a shitty phase.

This is so reassuring - thank you so much. DS says "dadadadada" at anything that makes him happy.

"The thing is, he's not showing any other signs of autism. If I weren't there, he'd be exactly as "normal" as anyone could ever hope for".

We only found out DH had ASD aged 42. Looking back it made sense but until a counsellor suggested it honestly no-one suspected it.

@Eevee25

Have you tried wearing your DH deodorant/aftershave? Maybe smelling similar would comfort him?

Tried and tested.

@Glitterbiscuits

Put one of your DHs unwashed T-shirts on?

But I'd also try 48 hours solo! And bribe him with chocolate buttons!

Tried the t-shirt - I live in Dh's clothes when I'm lounging about anyway. And he won't take any food from me.

I don't think he hates you; I suspect it's fear caused by some sensory issue. One of our sons had many of those in his first few years . It was a constant struggle until we worked out what weird triggers produced instant terror / guaranteed meltdown. We saved family sanity by detecting and minimising triggers.

maybe something about you is a trigger. Our son's worst triggers were visual and sensory textures (both shiny and fluffy) and anything scented. The worst, was anything shiny and black Like some peoples hair; black labradors, telephones, floor tiles, and (ultimate terror) black leather jackets, furniture etc. Forget rational causes; there were none. The good news is, he gradually overcame those terrors.

So (just a suggestion)

Don't smell of anything. Stop using your usual skin cream, , shampoo, make-up, perfume, hair spray. Maybe change washing powder ( I recommend Filetti anti allergy) and certainly no pongy fabric softener. Around the house I cut out all scented soap, sprays, polish ,candles, air freshener. If you smoke, chew gum, use breathfreshener... remember smells may be a trigger.

Visual; No lipstick or eye makeup. Could you look more like DH (think clothes, glasses, hair; If his is short and yours is long and loose, atight bun) Then try sharing DH's wardrobe; wear similar trousers, and his favourite T shirt or cotton sweater. . Terror-textures for my son included wool , carpet, and furry fleece (and any furry soft toys). Oh, and zips.

Don't know if any of this will help but its worth a try. Best of luck.

What about mascara, fake nails or eyelashes, hair extensions or lipstick or fake tan? Could any of them be the issue? What about your skin- is it rough? Also are you a perpetually cold person, could be a temperature thing?

Just a thought, can you set up your phone / iPad in your family room and record his natural behaviour with you - so when DH is in the room with you, when he leaves (and DS screams etc), when you leave, when you both leave - when you put milk out or try to hold him etc etc.
I would do this over several days, it will give you something solid to take to the GP / professionals.

It can be very hard to get people to take your concerns seriously when they cannot see or experience it themselves and as you say, DS seems to be fine with everyone else. By having some actual footage of the behaviour you may get further.

I don’t know, im really sorry, this sounds devastating for you, best of luck

@notalwaysalondoner

Agree - this sounds way more extreme than normal, and particularly strange that it started at birth. You need to bang your own drum with many medical professionals sadly, and not just say 'oh, OK' when they say it's normal and you don't need a referral. You are going to have to stand up for yourself and for your DS so you get the help you need.

I agree with this. Even for physical health issues it can be hellish trying to access necessary care and have doctors, health visitors etc. listen to you. (Happened with my ds chronic kidney issues and professionals and is demoralising.) It's exhausting, but keep on bringing it up and pushing for the help you need. It sounds as though you've made every effort to bond, but that there are some issues going on here. You recognise it isn't a purposeful thing and has been going on since birth so isn't a 'phase'. I would ask for a referral - sometimes it gets to a point where just saying the symptoms does not result in action or referring on, so it saves time to say 'I'd really value a referral to [relevant clinician] as I am concerned it may be [name of issue].'

It is tiring and when you're repeatedly told not to worry or treated as if you're overreacting, it isn't surprising at all that you haven't pushed further with medical professionals. However, this is your chance to really fight for input.

@DappledOliveGroves

Apologises if I've missed this but is he your only child? And slightly strange question but was he planned and did you want children or go along with things as it was something you thought you should do?

The reason I ask is that my mother had a similar narrative when she had me. I wasn't planned, she was 42, married for 22 years and I came along. She didn't like children and was not maternal in the least. I was a fairly demanding child (precocious, sensitive, argumentative and prone to meltdowns) and the narrative as I grew up was that I 'hated' her. She said 'when you were born they handed you to me and you gave me a 'look' as if to say 'why do you have to be my mother'? That kind of set the tone for our relationship. She pushed back and wanted life to be as it had been before I was born. She was stressed, I was stressed. As a young child I adored my grandmother and had a better relationship with her.

What I'm trying to say is that a lot of what my mother perceived was just that - a perception - that wasn't accurate. A newborn cannot express its displeasure as to who its parent is. Similarly, a 16-month doesn't have the cognition skills to deliberately try and pretend to sleep so as to avoid a situation.

If your husband read this thread would he agree with your assessment or be bewildered at how you see things?

Sorry if I'm barking up the wrong tree and it does sound like you need to see a doctor or psychologist so do get that ball rolling. Hope things improve.

He's our only child. He wasn't planned as such but we're stable and married - he's definitely a very wanted child. Ideally we probably would've waited about a year more but given how Covid happened I'm so relieved he popped up when he did. DH completely acknowledges and agrees with me. He gets really upset by DS not wanting me around and finds it difficult not to resent DS when I'm so upset (he obviously knows it's not DS's fault or anything). We talk about it every day and he does everything he can think of to help. People around us definitely notice too.

Laura Amies is the TV Nanny who resolved a similar problem.

@LouiseTrees

What about mascara, fake nails or eyelashes, hair extensions or lipstick or fake tan? Could any of them be the issue? What about your skin- is it rough? Also are you a perpetually cold person, could be a temperature thing?

I think you think I have a lot more time than I have haha. No nails, eyelashes, extensions, fake tan etc. Don't wear make up unless I'm going out. I've never noticed any temperature issues.

@2020iscancelled

Just a thought, can you set up your phone / iPad in your family room and record his natural behaviour with you - so when DH is in the room with you, when he leaves (and DS screams etc), when you leave, when you both leave - when you put milk out or try to hold him etc etc. I would do this over several days, it will give you something solid to take to the GP / professionals.

It can be very hard to get people to take your concerns seriously when they cannot see or experience it themselves and as you say, DS seems to be fine with everyone else. By having some actual footage of the behaviour you may get further.

I don’t know, im really sorry, this sounds devastating for you, best of luck

Our baby monitor records so we already have this - thank you though.

Ah, this sounds horrible for you. My DD prefers her dad but your reaction is a very extreme version.

I would do a couple of things, firstly, can you record your DS in different situations? Eg, put a camera in the living room and record all 3 of you in the room and then you leave just DH and DS alone and then you come back in and then your DH leaves the room and comes back in so there is a recording of him screaming. Maybe do this with a few people like grandparents etc. Also worth recording interactions between each of you, eg you say that DS will engage with your DP when playing with blocks so record this then record you doing the same thing. At least then you will have visual proof when you speak to either a GP/HV or a child psychologist if you go that route.

I would also speak to the nursery and see who he mentions (this might be harder for a 16mo). With me, my DD always preferred her dad but if she was ever to cry at nursery or when looked after by someone, the only person she ever wanted was me but if I then went to her over DP she would then just blank me.

What are DS nappies like today? Has he had a wee? I wouldn’t be too worried about the lack of food at the moment as he will be able to go a duration without food but having no liquids/drinks would be my concern.

It would be interesting to see how he would react to you if you were fully dressed up in a costume (so he couldn’t see his face) so you could see how he would react to you. Obviously you would need to see how he would react to a full costume in general before hand but if he still screams when you are in full costume and not when someone else wore it then it could be he is sensing something on you that you are not aware of

Have you tried wearing something of your husband’s? My son used to scream the house down every time my husband tried to do anything with him - he used to work away a lot and I don’t think my son knew what he was for (!).

I used to sleep in one of my husband’s t-shirts, or just have it in my side of the bed, and it seemed to make a bit of a difference. It had to be pretty ripe though :)

It must be so hard for you. And certainly worth pursuing with your HV or GP.