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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why does my son HATE me?

331 replies

MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 12:22

DS is 16mo and he HATES me. He has always hated me. He loves DH more than anything in the world ever, loves the dogs, loves everyone on the planet except for me. And I have no idea why. If he's left alone in a room with me then he'll scream. He's done this literally since he was born. If I pick him up then he'll scream. He won't take food or water or milk from me, ever. I had to express breastmilk because he wouldn't go on the breast but he would only take a bottle from DH. He just completely refuses from me but if anyone else gives it to him then he's very happy. There are no photos of us together where he's not screaming - not one single photo since the day he was born.
It's not that he's overly attached to DH though, because he's perfectly fine at nursery or with his grandparents or even complete strangers. When my brother visited from living abroad and met him for the first time then he was very happy to play with him and cuddle him - but won't do that with me. When he wakes up and starts to cry, if I go in then he'll look at me and pretend to be asleep so I don't pick him up.
Some people have suggested it's because, as the mother, he sees me all day so takes me for granted but that can't be the case. DH's work are really great so the first eight weeks he got paternity leave and we were both around. Then DH worked four days each week from September to March (and was given five weeks' holiday in that time) so was home a lot. From mid-March, DH was essentially furloughed so was with DS more than I was. Now we're both back at work but I work five days each week and DH works three. So, when DS saw us the same amount he hated me, when he saw me more than DH, he hated me and now he sees DH more than me, he still hates me.
I don't know what to do. I can't take him to the park or shops without DH (or someone else) because he screams the whole time. I've tried changing my perfume and deodorant and things like that but it makes no difference. Everyone says he's the happiest little boy in the world and nursery think he's the easiest baby to look after - I'm the only person he hates.
The birth was fine, no drama there - left hospital the same day.
I don't know how to fix it.

OP posts:

anothersleeplessone · 21/10/2020 19:20

Jesus ChrisPrattsFace posts are like being stuck with the boring twat at the party

@ChrisPrattsFace the PP does have a good point!

UnbeatenMum · 21/10/2020 19:53

This sounds very unusual, especially occurring since birth. Attachment problems wouldn't start that early and wouldn't result in him refusing food or any care from you. Can you afford to see a psychologist privately?

I'm an adoptive parent and DH and I were told to make sure we both took turns to meet DS's needs in the early days to make sure he built an attachment to both of us. I suppose I'm wondering if there's a creative way that you could start to be the one to meet your son's needs while he's relaxed and calm and DH is there (e.g. offer a treat like chocolate buttons or sing a song he likes while DH does something boring like look at his phone). Or have you had any positive interactions with him at all that you could build on? It does sound like you've tried a lot of things though.

mummmy2017 · 21/10/2020 20:17

Could you try dark glasses and a wig

Get your mum to wear it first with her coat.
Play with your DS.
Then get your mum to go out of the room , quickly change into the outfit, and go back in without your mum and see if your DS will play with you.

OldMotherIce · 21/10/2020 20:43

I noticed a pp suggested using therapeutic parenting methods which sounds like a good idea. Apologies if someone has already suggested this (not read the whole thread) but have you tried theraplay. It’s something that’s used with adopted children. It’s simple games that are specifically designed to build on the bond between parent and child and is also good for children who struggle with touch. So for example you make a game out of stroking each other with a feather or blowing cotton balls onto each other’s hands. You can also do group activities such as playing with a ball so DH or DM could join in if one on one is too intense to begin with. There’s books on theraplay on Amazon to give you a general idea and if you google theraplay activities there’s lots of free resources.

I really hope things get better for you. You sound like a fab mum.

Aridane · 21/10/2020 21:28

@ChrisPrattsFace - stop being a part of the first order

bluebearss · 21/10/2020 21:28

OP, have you never fed your son? I know you were unable to breastfeed, but has he literally never taken a bottle from you? What about a cup or solids? How long have you been alone with him, and did he eat?

This sounds incredibly hard for you.

bluebearss · 21/10/2020 21:30

Also, I wonder if he's receiving any sort of gain from his behaviour - extra attention?

gandalf456 · 21/10/2020 21:36

He sounds a bit young for that sort of attention seeking although I wouldn't rule it out

Original poster

MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 21:40

@bluebearss

This sounds incredibly hard for you.

I've tried - but no, he's never taken food or a bottle from me.

OP posts:

Original poster

MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 21:41

@bluebearss

Also, I wonder if he's receiving any sort of gain from his behaviour - extra attention?

I feel like he was too young to be manipulating like this - and, quite simply, he'd have as much attention as he wants if he just looked at me and smiled at me and played with me.

OP posts:

Martiniwithanolive · 21/10/2020 22:03

Sounds really tough defo speak to a child psychologist and go from there as PP have said. And also in this day and age everyone is so quick label a child or say they have SEN , if you feel that is not the case do not feel pressure or railroaded in to thinking that I see it happening far to often

Conair · 21/10/2020 22:09

I think your sons behaviour is very extreme and this must be so hard on you.
My close friends little boy hated contact with her from birth he hated being held and fed, he wasn't keen on woman and preferred men.
He was diagnosed with asd ( at two)
I have professional knowledge of asd also and it's the first thing I thought of when reading your post- I know it's a hard thing to process and accept but I would be thinking along these lines.
No two children with asd present the same.. that's why it's a spectrum condition.
I'm not saying it definitely is ( how can I!) but it's something I would have in the back of my mine.
I wish you all the best.

Dominicgoings · 21/10/2020 22:15

Has your husband bern with you when you’ve seen your GP?

If not it’s worth both of you being present for a consultation. If you feel that are being dismissed, having your husband confirm the behaviours that you are both observing will be more useful in letting the GP know that you need further help and assessment.

Original poster

MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 22:16

@Dominicgoings

Has your husband bern with you when you’ve seen your GP?

It was a phone assessment with the GP but DH was there. The HV came to the house and saw it first hand - DH and I were both there.

OP posts:

Yeahnahmum · 21/10/2020 22:18

Maybe try and stop enabling him by letting your partner step in every time ? If your son is already clever enough to pretend to be sleeping when you come in then he will figure out quickly enough that if you dont feed him, no one else will. He is basically manipulating you by screaming.
Also yes def see a child psychologist/docter. Because this is not normal at all.....because it might just be him manipulating the situation and getting what he wants OR him actually having some major issue(s)
Wear headphones to block out your sons crying /screaming. I also like the idea of pp to one day just wear a wig/different clothes
/voice. And see if he would come to you etc.
Maybe then cut out the regular toothpaste parfume conditioner daycream etc. As well. Just to tryif it makes a difference. But by nowhe would also be able to feel your anxiousness so that would not help thesituation as he will vibe of your vibe so to speak. Good luck it sounds miserable for you.

Dominicgoings · 21/10/2020 22:19

How long ago were both these? ( Apologies if I’ve missed that)

Have you decided on a plan of action yet ?

MerryMarigold · 21/10/2020 22:20

You mentioned your dh is a teacher and sister in law is a doctor. Do they seriously think it's normal that he's NEVER taken food or drink from you? I really how you can get more support OP including from your own family because this must be incredibly hard on you.

Original poster

MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 22:21

@MerryMarigold

No, of course they don't think it's normal. No one thinks this is normal.

OP posts:

Original poster

MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 22:23

@Dominicgoings

How long ago were both these? ( Apologies if I’ve missed that)

Have you decided on a plan of action yet ?

HV came in May and the GP was early August. POA - speak to the GP and HV again, research things like theraplay etc and try some of the suggestions on here. It's not a great plan at the moment but I have to try anything suggested to be honest.

OP posts:

Dominicgoings · 21/10/2020 22:26

I think it’s s good plan. Now that he’s a little older and if anything the situation is getting worse, then you need to be insistent that you are listened to. Good luck with it all and I hope you start to get some answers soon.

russelhobbs · 21/10/2020 22:31

My heart goes out to you reading your posts. On a personal level I'm also interested in you finding out what the issue is. My oldest child did exactly this to me for ONE DAY. It came out of the blue when she was about 2, and was exactly as you describe. I felt that she hated me. We went out for a meal with some visitors that day and she didn't want to sit next to me, screamed and moved away every time I talked to her, didn't want me to serve her food etc. I think everyone was shocked although they were polite and laughed it off as crankiness. I felt completely humiliated and also confused. She was closer to me than anybody else in the world, and DH was very hands-off too so I don't know where it came from. Nothing happened that day to make her angry towards me either. She went back to normal the next day but I sometimes still wonder about it.

Hardbackwriter · 21/10/2020 22:38

This sounds so, so hard. I really don't think the suggestions that you 'force' him to give in by having him for a whole weekend etc are the right way to go, well meaning as they are. It's a bit like when people tell people to just not offer children with extreme issues around food any alternatives until they give in - that might work with a child who's a bit fussy but not one with genuine sensory issues, who might literally starve themselves. Whatever the issue is with your son it sounds like it's a long way past a preference and so try to 'force' him to give in could be deeply traumatic. It would also be almost impossible for you not to get frustrated or angry at some point during it, because you're human (it's incredibly impressive how calm you're being about it, but everyone has limits), and if you end up shouting or similar it will make everything 1000 times worse because you'll then blame yourself. You're doing so, so well not to turn this into a battle of wills so don't risk that.

Original poster

MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 22:39

@russelhobbs

How peculiar! I'm oddly optimistic that he'll wake up tomorrow and be fine with me after your post. Optimistic or insane, you decide!

OP posts:

Hardbackwriter · 21/10/2020 22:40

Is there money to consider either a private consultation with a child development specialist or private sessions with a family therapist or similar?

Original poster

MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 22:42

@Hardbackwriter

Is there money to consider either a private consultation with a child development specialist or private sessions with a family therapist or similar?

If I don't get anywhere with the GP/HV then yes. We earn enough and it's obviously a priority - Lord knows we're saving on holidays and going out thanks to Covid!

OP posts:

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