Why does my son HATE me?

[MootingMirror]

DS is 16mo and he HATES me. He has always hated me. He loves DH more than anything in the world ever, loves the dogs, loves everyone on the planet except for me. And I have no idea why. If he's left alone in a room with me then he'll scream. He's done this literally since he was born. If I pick him up then he'll scream. He won't take food or water or milk from me, ever. I had to express breastmilk because he wouldn't go on the breast but he would only take a bottle from DH. He just completely refuses from me but if anyone else gives it to him then he's very happy. There are no photos of us together where he's not screaming - not one single photo since the day he was born.
It's not that he's overly attached to DH though, because he's perfectly fine at nursery or with his grandparents or even complete strangers. When my brother visited from living abroad and met him for the first time then he was very happy to play with him and cuddle him - but won't do that with me. When he wakes up and starts to cry, if I go in then he'll look at me and pretend to be asleep so I don't pick him up.
Some people have suggested it's because, as the mother, he sees me all day so takes me for granted but that can't be the case. DH's work are really great so the first eight weeks he got paternity leave and we were both around. Then DH worked four days each week from September to March (and was given five weeks' holiday in that time) so was home a lot. From mid-March, DH was essentially furloughed so was with DS more than I was. Now we're both back at work but I work five days each week and DH works three. So, when DS saw us the same amount he hated me, when he saw me more than DH, he hated me and now he sees DH more than me, he still hates me.
I don't know what to do. I can't take him to the park or shops without DH (or someone else) because he screams the whole time. I've tried changing my perfume and deodorant and things like that but it makes no difference. Everyone says he's the happiest little boy in the world and nursery think he's the easiest baby to look after - I'm the only person he hates.
The birth was fine, no drama there - left hospital the same day.
I don't know how to fix it.

Has he seen you with another toddler? It would be interesting for you to see his reaction to watching you carry & cuddle another toddler. You could also try cuddling up on the sofa to the dogs. I'm not suggesting trying to make him jealous. Rather, I'm thinking if he can observe you having TCL with other beings (dogs/people) then he might calm down. Have you stood in front of a large mirror when you hold him? So he can watch you carrying him? Good luck.

@LilianJahme

Has he seen you with another toddler? It would be interesting for you to see his reaction to watching you carry & cuddle another toddler. You could also try cuddling up on the sofa to the dogs. I'm not suggesting trying to make him jealous. Rather, I'm thinking if he can observe you having TCL with other beings (dogs/people) then he might calm down. Have you stood in front of a large mirror when you hold him? So he can watch you carrying him? Good luck.

We have close friends with children his age and I have a nephew. Pre-Covid, I would cuddle and play and interact with them and it never made any difference to DS. I cuddle the dogs on the sofa daily.

I was thinking the same as @steff13, that it might be your voice? If you are 5' 2" and physically small is your voice particularly high?

I feel really sorry for you; it sounds incredibly upsetting. Order is important to babies and I remember reading a book by Montessori where she worked out a child was crying because something like an umbrella had been put on the table, and was out of place. It was to do with the idea that a baby has to build their world from what they see everyday, so changes can unsettle them. I don't know how this might apply to your situation, it's just to illustrate how picky they can be.

I agree with filming yourselves with your DS so you can see very objectively how you are behaving. Show it to other people and get feedback. I really hope things improve for you.

Does he have any allergies? There are some cases that I've read on the internet so take of that what you will of people being allergic to another person's smell, hair or skin? Seems crazy and out-there, but your whole situation is incredibly extreme.

@Blueberries0112

I would have him tested for it. The sooner , the better for him

You can't really assess an 18 month old for autism with much reliability (in the UK). However I would be asking for a referral into your preschool camhs as they can help begin assessments and help you with the bond between you, I wonder if VIG (video interactive guidance) would help.

For now, try a technique based on attunement. When ds is playing calmly, just sit nearby and begin mirroring him. If he picks up a brick and sucks it, you do the same. If he throws a car, you do the same. You aren't trying to engage him, or seeking eye contact, just copying. Then if/when he notices he may begin doing more things to see if you copy and thus can lead to shared enjoyment. You can also begin extending the actions, eg he picks up a car, you pick up a car, he puts his to his mouth, you do this briefly too then put it down and go 'brrmmm' while rolling it along (not making him watch). He may then begin to imitate you which is the beginnings of attunement, turntaking and trust.

You can also choose one particular rhyme eg round and round the garden and when he is calm and sleepy begin by singing it, not to him with eye contact but just in the room, them nearer, then do round and round on teddy's hand, your own hand, then ask him if he wants to do round and round on mummy's hand, daddy's hand etc and then eventually if he would like a turn and then you can do it on his hand.

What I think you may have is a highly sensitive boy for whatever reason, and he senses your stress and anxiety that your thoughts about him are inducing. There is no way that he hated you as a newborn, and those worries and hormones have maybe minutely affected the way you feel in terms of how relaxed or competent you are, and it's a vicious circle. That's why these low pressure mirroring and attuning activities - where you place very little expectation upon him, and "strike" while he is busy, happy and relaxed, might be useful to try. It may take weeks and weeks to get a breakthrough so don't be disheartened if nothing changes quickly. Know this: you cannot harm your child by sitting near him and playing alongside in a gentle way - so the very worst outcome is nothing. But I think you'll get results. He is still very young.

@Ihaventgottimeforthis

Does he have any allergies? There are some cases _that I've read on the internet so take of that what you will_ of people being allergic to another person's smell, hair or skin? Seems crazy and out-there, but your whole situation is incredibly extreme.

No known allergies. And no physical symptoms like a rash or streaming eyes or anything like that.

For what it's worth the fact you can post about this here in a rational manner, and seem to be successfully raising a happy healthy child (this issue aside) is incredible. From one very rudimentary perspective your main job is to raise a child. If you are doing that, then nice memories are a bonus. Our children don't exist for our benefit IYSWIM.
I don't mean to belittle your experience in any way, I am trying in a fairly cack handed manner to say this is very distressing but it is in no way your fault, nor is it catastrophic for your DS. He has what he needs.

sorry for my strike through fails

There is no way that he hated you as a newborn

This is true, and the fact that the OP’s never ever fed him (or done any other meaningful care, like nappies or bathing, I’m guessing?) kind of makes me think that the husband has created this problem, no matter how well intentioned he may have been at the start.

Is there something you’re not telling us OP? How did you actually come to the point of relinquishing the care of your baby virtually from birth? What was your thought process? Did no one think it was abnormal, no one thought to step in and insist that your husband step back?

OP I really feel for you. I suspect there’s ASD in the mix here - sometimes having an autistic child can effect your bond as sometimes they don’t react or give back what you need as a new mother. And it just gets more complicated the less you get what you need - the emotional two way bond. I would find a private doctor and ask them to observe - but it’s clearly not just your anxiety - your anxiety has fed off the behaviour of your child. Sending you good luck and strength xxxx

Is there something you’re not telling us OP? How did you actually come to the point of relinquishing the care of your baby virtually from birth? What was your thought process? Did no one think it was abnormal, no one thought to step in and insist that your husband step back?

^this

My dd was like this with DH - I did all of the care for her and she much preferred me.

Your son did not hate you and doesn’t hate you now.

Just finding out more about your child will help you I’m sure x

This is so sad to read. I would definitely push for an appointment with a specialist who can help get to the bottom of it.

@Haworthia

There is no way that he hated you as a newborn

This is true, and the fact that the OP’s never ever fed him (or done any other meaningful care, like nappies or bathing, I’m guessing?) kind of makes me think that the husband has created this problem, no matter how well intentioned he may have been at the start.

Is there something you’re not telling us OP? How did you actually come to the point of relinquishing the care of your baby virtually from birth? What was your thought process? Did no one think it was abnormal, no one thought to step in and insist that your husband step back?

I have changed him and bathed him - but he screams relentlessly through the entire process. I was WFH until the start of October this year (DS was born in June 2019) and he started nursery two days each week from January (and then stopped in March). Every day DH was at work, I did all the "looking after". I was there. I changed him, I fed him, I played with him, I went for walks, I made food - he screamed through it all. I'd try to do painting and building blocks and making flapjacks and every other activity under the sun. DH ADORES him and vice versa but he hasn't caused this any more than I have or DS has. Even in the hospital after he was born, I held him and he screamed but when DH, the midwives or anyone visiting held him, he was fine. Now DS is more mobile, he pulls away from me and runs - if I'm holding/carrying him then he wriggles and resists to the point I think I'll drop him. But DH can't be expected to ignore him and not give him affection when DS runs up to him.

I’m sorry if it sounds awful, but do you maybe trying to hard to get him to like you, and he’s pushing you away to get some space? At his age, he won’t have the vocabulary to tell you this, so he is showing you the only way he knows how?

Op - painting and building blocks and making flapjacks are too complex for many a 1.5 year old. Babies and children don't play "with" until at least age 4; they play alongside others up to that age. Your (natural enough in the circumstances) stress jumps off the page. Relax. Do the mirroring I suggested above. 18 month olds don't hate anyone, neither do newborns or 6 month olds. They may find some people more relaxing and some less so.

This sort of stuff is my job so not stabbing blindly in the dark, though obviously I don't know your son so only giving very general advice that cannot do any harm.

Sounds so utterly unfathomable, especially as you have tried wearing your other half's clothes.

It surely isn't at all common for a child so young to behave like this?

I was expecting him to be 13/14/15 yrs.The classic 'Pull away' years in some teenagers.

It must be hard to bond with a child who is like this, surely...

There was a New Zealand mother who posted on You Tube, and it looked like a life of utter hell from the minute her DS awoke, it was screaming , crying, flopping about on the floor in a nappy..Looked so utterly relentless and joyless for both of them.

I hope you find a solution..

DS got his ASD diagnosis just before 9, after referral at 7.

With hindsight, we had some clues in infancy;
Never took a bottle, would rather scream and starve than have anything other than milk from source.
Tantrumed from 10m from understanding the word "no". He'd look at you, scream then headbutt the floor. He realised quckly that for carpet you could go full welly, wood headbutt with care and on my friend's tiles, go to slam his head, hover an inch off the floor and gently tap the last inch.
Hated clothes being put on.
Long, intense attention span, could entertain himself happily. Very observent.
Not interested in interracting during play until he was in school.
Speech started OK, fell behind at 2, SALT referral at 3
Tantrummed easily at anything not meeting his specifications.
Liked repetition. At the supermarket cafe you had to draw a car-transporter-train with the wax crayons and get it exactly right. Anything not right would result in a tantrum.
Sensitive to places with a lot of sensory input.
Clearly physically able to walk at 12m, cruising, crawling, climbing... refused to walk by himself until 16m and walked properly.
Shunned us for a couple of days if we had the audacity to go away overnight. Would not look at us. This must have been before 2 as I had DS2 at 2 and the only place I went for over a year was the maternity unit.

I just thought I had a demanding, tantrummy toddler... now I know why.

He tends to like firmer pressure. Finds squeezy hugs comforting and light touch annoying. He makes eye contact with trusted people. He'll talk to a stranger, but visually focus on a "safe" person so it's subtle.

There does sound like there could be some sensory type issues from what's been described, and this is an appropriate age to start flagging issues up and establishing a paper trail. Our first intervention was through the HVs to SALT, then at 7 after a hideous summer of meltdowns including some humdingers lasting 3 and 4 hours I went to the GP detailing anything I could think of from bith on a mind map and tried to link into themes of sensory, communication, co-ordination, self care and interests. That piece of paper basically diagnosed him with some help from a QB test, consultant observations and questionnaire from school.

I hope you get somewhere with this as ut sounds distressing for you both, whatever the underlying issue is.

Dear OP, I have no answers for you except to seek help outside GP or HV. They do not know the full story. As others have said take videos of his reactions to you at a few times during the day over a period, for positive evidence that you are not over reacting, and I don't think you are.

Has to be one of the saddest parental posts I have read on here.

Take care love, and beg steal or borrow to get the help you need both for you and your son. The way you speak about him says a lot to me. I know you love him but it is very hard to be rejected as a Mum. Bless you.

Hi OP I’m sorry to say but maybe you are just being extremely paranoid and I do wonder about your mental health....

I’m so sorry, this sounds so hard. Honestly I would look for a child therapist/psychologist privately, especially as you say you can afford it. Even if it’s just a consultation or two it will arm you with a report to take back to the HV/GP, and give you a quicker resolution probably. You’ve waited so long OP and it sounds like you’ve been amazingly patient and gracious but give yourself a break - don’t wait any longer while HVs fob you off etc.

It sounds horrid, you’re incredible for doing as well as you are with it!

My instinct says some sort of sensory overload... is there any mileage in you doing one short interaction with him each day that is a) low sensory b) always the same and c) has something pleasant in it for him? I’m wondering maybe a favourite toy that you always bring out at 10am, along with a snack, and leave both near him then retreat across the room, or something like that? I think it’s important it’s predictable, low arousal, short duration and that it only ever comes from you, not any other caregiver- see if you can build one tiny positive association? Literally repeat every morning, don’t change a thing. Fire truck plus five chocolate buttons in a bowl or whatever. Make that your project every day for a month and see if there’s any progress?

I’d consider a private consultation with a family therapist or something similar tbh

I have never heard an account as extreme as this and from such an early age, but as you describe it, I believe it 100% and think the professionals who have brushed it off either haven't really listened, or assume you are projecting or exaggerating.
I have no expert insight to contribute, but of the many suggestions, the one from the nanny seemed plausible; that it is a phobic aversion arising from early association with something negative, perhaps feeling suffocated or drowning when at the breast or something similar. Him crying directly after birth was almost certainly bad luck, but then perhaps attempted feeding was overwhelming for him and it stuck.
I think my DD1 didn't enjoy bf much. She was a fighty, refluxy feeder and used to struggle with my let down. I think it affected our bond a little and she preferred my mum and any passing stranger in the first weeks, even though I was doing 90% of her care. She also avoided eye contact with me despite all the baby books saying the newborn soon learns to gaze into the mother's eyes. She weaned herself at 7 months. It was nothing like as pronounced or distressing as what you are going through, but I have experienced a tiny baby clearly displaying a behaviour that many would say they couldn't or wouldn't do at that age. Obviously a newborn doesn't have the cognitive abilities to have a cogent rationale for the behaviour, but they can produce it consistently over time in response to their environment.

You couldn't have done more, I am in awe of your stoicism and your continued love for your son, who as you say, can't be blamed, but it is almost superhuman not to feel resentment under these circumstances. I really hope you get help soon and that things change.

OP - I think what’s most relevant here is that your DS was crying when you held him almost from birth. This points to me that it almost has to be some kind of physical reaction, and I would say probably can’t even be related to ASD, in a baby that tiny (perhaps I’m wrong but other things you’ve said point away from ASD as well).

You said you’ve tried wearing your DH’s clothes. But instead, (I know this is a strange question) have you tried putting your DS in something you’ve worn, or “snuggling” with a piece of DS’ clothing and then dressing him in it (have your DH dress him so you know he’s not upset because you’ve put the clothing on him) and seeing if he still becomes distressed, the same way he does if you were holding him physically? This might be a way to test some kind of personal scent allergy.

I know you’ve said he doesn’t have traditional plant allergy symptoms like runny nose or streaming eyes, but there could be other types of discomfort you can’t see that he’s experiencing if he’s allergic to your scent. He could even be hypersensitive, and it just hasn’t been realised yet because he hasn’t gone through the full range of foods, scents, etc., to which an adult would be exposed.