Why does my son HATE me?

[MootingMirror]

DS is 16mo and he HATES me. He has always hated me. He loves DH more than anything in the world ever, loves the dogs, loves everyone on the planet except for me. And I have no idea why. If he's left alone in a room with me then he'll scream. He's done this literally since he was born. If I pick him up then he'll scream. He won't take food or water or milk from me, ever. I had to express breastmilk because he wouldn't go on the breast but he would only take a bottle from DH. He just completely refuses from me but if anyone else gives it to him then he's very happy. There are no photos of us together where he's not screaming - not one single photo since the day he was born.
It's not that he's overly attached to DH though, because he's perfectly fine at nursery or with his grandparents or even complete strangers. When my brother visited from living abroad and met him for the first time then he was very happy to play with him and cuddle him - but won't do that with me. When he wakes up and starts to cry, if I go in then he'll look at me and pretend to be asleep so I don't pick him up.
Some people have suggested it's because, as the mother, he sees me all day so takes me for granted but that can't be the case. DH's work are really great so the first eight weeks he got paternity leave and we were both around. Then DH worked four days each week from September to March (and was given five weeks' holiday in that time) so was home a lot. From mid-March, DH was essentially furloughed so was with DS more than I was. Now we're both back at work but I work five days each week and DH works three. So, when DS saw us the same amount he hated me, when he saw me more than DH, he hated me and now he sees DH more than me, he still hates me.
I don't know what to do. I can't take him to the park or shops without DH (or someone else) because he screams the whole time. I've tried changing my perfume and deodorant and things like that but it makes no difference. Everyone says he's the happiest little boy in the world and nursery think he's the easiest baby to look after - I'm the only person he hates.
The birth was fine, no drama there - left hospital the same day.
I don't know how to fix it.

'OP my theory based on zero knowledge but a gut feeling is that it is something to do with the trauma of being birthed. Dont get me wrong I know that sounds woo, and I dont know if studies have been done on this or what but when you think about it, labour must be quite intense and scary from the baby's perspective. Maybe most of us forget that moment, but maybe your son didnt. It's the only thing I can think of that would explain why he acted as if terrified of you from the very moment he was born (your description of what happened at the hospital after his birth). Maybe he kept a subconscious awareness of that?'

OP I feel that cut to chase and lucky star have it. Based on your facts, this seems linked to birth trauma. I appreciate you say it wasn't a particularly traumatic birth, though I think they are always a little bit traumatic for the baby. A big change & being squeezed out into a completely different world. Is your son sensitive? Anyway it sounds like that's where it started, so that's your starting point, and the reinforcement of being unsafe with mum began when rescued by others. Maybe he just wanted to cry with you and tell you how awful it had been being born?

For my own experience, my dd DID have a traumatic birth (crash c section as her heart was stopping during contractions). She was presumably whipped out of me at high speed to save our lives, by a male surgeon. She has been left with a bit of an aversion to men and a strong preference for females, if that's relevant to you. Guessing she would have seen him first and been terrified.

I know I was awake & she was with me from around 2.5 hrs after the operation. DH has dressed her. Thankfully our bond is strong however she is highly sensitive, & has sensory issues, very emotional. I believe these issues are caused by a gut flora imbalance and the traumatic birth, just in case that's relevant for you.

For my own experience, my dd DID have a traumatic birth (crash c section as her heart was stopping during contractions). She was presumably whipped out of me at high speed to save our lives, by a male surgeon. She has been left with a bit of an aversion to men and a strong preference for females, if that's relevant to you. Guessing she would have seen him first and been terrified.

Newborns can’t really see well, if at all at the moment of birth @thehairyhog, so although correlating your daughters birth and subsequent fear of men might make sense to you, it’s highly unlikely.

To be honest there have been some pretty strange theories bandied about in this thread generally. Babies aren’t born with an aversion to their mother. It goes against basic mammalian instincts.

@Haworthia

For my own experience, my dd DID have a traumatic birth (crash c section as her heart was stopping during contractions). She was presumably whipped out of me at high speed to save our lives, by a male surgeon. She has been left with a bit of an aversion to men and a strong preference for females, if that's relevant to you. Guessing she would have seen him first and been terrified.

Newborns can’t really see well, if at all at the moment of birth @thehairyhog, so although correlating your daughters birth and subsequent fear of men might make sense to you, it’s highly unlikely.

To be honest there have been some pretty strange theories bandied about in this thread generally. Babies aren’t born with an aversion to their mother. It goes against basic mammalian instincts.

I'm sure you're aware that there is more than one sense, Haworthia. and your unnecessary assessment of our experience is not welcome. That was for the OP. I don't normally comment (now I remember why) but OP I hope you find something helpful.

Leaving aside their plausibility, I'm also not sure how helpful theories about what happened in the newborn phase are to OP now. It just seems to be encouraging her to blame herself for getting something she can't change 'wrong'. I guess this is a question of approach and opinion but for me 'why' would only matter if it's changeable (like if it were an aversion to OP's perfume, but she's tried all that), the only bit that matters now is how to improve the situation going forward.

@thehairyhog my baby also has a slight aversion to males and a preference for females and she wasn't delivered by a male surgeon, no traumatic birth. I believe a preference for women isn't uncommon in young babies. Not saying the delivery didn't affect your DD, I'm sure it did as you say she has other sensitivities, but it's easy to make an association that is not necessarily relevant.

My daughter is not a baby. Anyway, bowing out now.

If I'm reading you right this behaviour began at the start of lockdown

No, op's ds is 16m and behaviour manifested from birth.

I am a child psychologist. I mean this in the nicest possible way, but if others aren't noticing this to the same extent you are, then I would recommend you having an assessment for yourself.

I’d have thought taking a full history came naturally after a career with such long training. OP has repeatedly said that others have noticed it too.

^^ This. Wouldn't be the first professional who didn't pick up on important details.

Op, I have read the full thread so sorry if this has been suggested, but have you ever got your dh to wear something of yours when he's caring for your ds?

Also the possibility of problems arising from birth trauma resonates with me, only because I have 3 dc, all different birth experiences - 1 induction/forceps, 1 home birth, and an emergency c/s, and am convinced that behaviours and sensitivities (or absence thereof!) can be rooted in those first moments. Different, and nothing as extreme as you are describing, but observable nonetheless, especially in the early years. Could you start by asking for a 'de-brief' going through your notes from when you gave birth, to see if there might have been something of significance which has been forgotten?

Oh gosh, I really feel for you. We have been going through strong parental preference with my toddler for a long time - much prefers DH to me, it’s been very very hard at times. But like others have said it doesn’t sound like this. Parental preference normally starts much later from what I’ve read. My DS has been pretty textbook and what your describing doesn’t sound like it.

Definitely seek some professional help.

How often is he in nursery and what age did he go?

@lunalulu

Every day DH was at work, I did all the "looking after". I was there. I changed him, I fed him, I played with him, I went for walks, I made food - he screamed through it all.

Just trying to unravel here - you said in another post that he has never taken any food or milk from you.

So on the days when you were alone with him, did he take any food or milk from you?

I was going to mention this as well. MootingMirror, I was especially concerned about your DS never taking a bottle from you or eating anything you had prepared, so it's actually quite encouraging that you were able to feed him when your DH was at work. Even though the screaming must be extremely distressing (for both you and your DS), there is still a bright spot here. I'll reiterate that therapeutic parenting methods may be a path forward, in addition to seeking good professional support.

@gandalf456

Why the ... at the end of the sentence?

A certain idiotic kind of poster usually uses it to try and make their generally numbskull post look a bit more 'deep and meaningful'

@VeniceQueen2004
This is so unhelpful. The OP's husband (presumably not mentally ill?) supports her assessment of the situation. The OP is struggling with a difficult situation. She may well have poor mental health as this is HARD. But she is not making this up and she doesn't need to be undermined like this by people who don't know her from Adam.

I don’t think that it’s unhelpful. As a society I think we need to work on overcoming this barrier about talking about mental health. I’m not saying that there isn’t an attachment problem here or that OP is making it all up. It must be very hard for her.

However she is projecting her feelings on her young baby, a baby does not feel “hate”. What I think is unhelpful here is people suggesting that the baby has special needs when the OP has said that the baby is absolutely fine with literally everyone, men and women.

It seems much more likely then that the OP is experiencing some poor mental heath and it seems much more practical that the OP get a mental health assessment from her GP rather than starting with assessing the baby for needs?

Sometimes the problem isn’t ‘them’ its actually you.

@FizzyGreenWater

I only wish that more people here were telling OP to go and get herself assessed as she might be having a mental health crisis.

@MootingMirror so, he hasn't had a sip of milk or water in 18 hours and he won't take it from me and won't pick it up if I leave it in his reach - so I feel like he might genuinely dehydrate himself to a dangerous level if he's left alone with me.

OP I really think that you should ring your GP and talk to them about what you’ve said here. This is really worrying, and also babies do not “genuinely dehydrate” themselves on purpose, unless maybe it’s a medical issue.

@Lavanderrose, I disagree.

I suspect the Op doesn’t actually THINK her ds hates her. But that it FEELS like he hates her and is constantly rejecting her (which he is btw).
Saying that this is a sign of MH issues is far fetched and not helpful in that particular case tbh.

Your post also so,me how reads as if it’s the MH issues of the Op that is creating the situation as no one else has the same issue.
Again I don’t think it helps.
That the OP might have to change some of her tactics/behaviour to calm the situation down and turn things around yes. But saying it’s all coming from her and her MH wo any diagnosis or the input from a HCP is going too far.

Op, I have read the full thread so sorry if this has been suggested, but have you ever got your dh to wear something of yours when he's caring for your ds?

I was wondering this

It is possible your child trust you and knows you are the one make sure his needs are met.

And your child may very well be a genius too . They can connect two dots at an early stage. Anyways, one way another, get a referral and go from there

www.verywellfamily.com/dabrowskis-overexcitabilities-in-gifted-children-1449118

When did it start? It surely can't have been from birth ? Did you have maternity leave or go straight back to work? Have you had his eyesight checked ? My son was born with severe sight problems and we didn't know until he was 9 months ...I know you say it's just you but worth a try ? Def speak to a doctor or get a referral though !

Op I'm sorry to hear things have been tough. I'm a psychologist, but without a proper full history and observation of interactions it's impossible to say what's going on for sure. I can recommend a wonderful intervention called video interaction guidance though . It was created to support exactly what you're describing and can help you to view your relationship with your dc more positively by highlighting the positives in your interactions- and there will be many, it's just difficult to see them in the moment. Where I live this is available through health visiting teams/ psychologists/ social workers so worth doing a bit of research. Good luck!

www.earlyyes.co.uk/video-interaction-guidance-vig-supervision/

This sounds so so tough and I've got no useful advice except to say that I truly believe there are some answers out there if you just keep exploring everything.
Virtual hugs to you.

Ive no qualifications at all, I'm just grasping at straws here right.

So from day 1, when he has cried, you haven't held him for a prolonged period or fed him etc, you've just handed him to your DH because that appeared to stop the crying?

I wonder if the initial crying had some cause associated with you (reflux pain when being fed by you?) But then it has not been overcome by subsequent positive interactions because you've felt he "prefers" your DH and so you've let DH become the main caregiver. I would start by spending lots of time together the 3 of you, then perhaps there might come a point where your DH can edge gradually out & you would be having positive experiences with your DS yourself? It sounds like you need some positive times yourself.

Op's opening post, reiterated in several of op's subsequent posts:
He's done this literally since he was born

p12 of thread:
When did it start? It surely can't have been from birth?

Sorry, I couldn't resist!

Also its taken me realise that my DD often responds better to my DH because I wanted to hold and cuddle her, but actually (she's 14m) she prefers more a sort of rough and tumble. She is active, and I have to accept that she wants physical connection in the form of tickles and chasing games and being tossed in the air etc, not sitting snuggling on my lap. That's ok and I've now I love tickling her until she squeals. I also find that if I do what she wants, it will relax her and often end in her accepting a cuddle with me.

Hugs op

That was a lot of typing and reading you did today OP - how was he when you weren't holding him?