Why does my son HATE me?

[MootingMirror]

DS is 16mo and he HATES me. He has always hated me. He loves DH more than anything in the world ever, loves the dogs, loves everyone on the planet except for me. And I have no idea why. If he's left alone in a room with me then he'll scream. He's done this literally since he was born. If I pick him up then he'll scream. He won't take food or water or milk from me, ever. I had to express breastmilk because he wouldn't go on the breast but he would only take a bottle from DH. He just completely refuses from me but if anyone else gives it to him then he's very happy. There are no photos of us together where he's not screaming - not one single photo since the day he was born.
It's not that he's overly attached to DH though, because he's perfectly fine at nursery or with his grandparents or even complete strangers. When my brother visited from living abroad and met him for the first time then he was very happy to play with him and cuddle him - but won't do that with me. When he wakes up and starts to cry, if I go in then he'll look at me and pretend to be asleep so I don't pick him up.
Some people have suggested it's because, as the mother, he sees me all day so takes me for granted but that can't be the case. DH's work are really great so the first eight weeks he got paternity leave and we were both around. Then DH worked four days each week from September to March (and was given five weeks' holiday in that time) so was home a lot. From mid-March, DH was essentially furloughed so was with DS more than I was. Now we're both back at work but I work five days each week and DH works three. So, when DS saw us the same amount he hated me, when he saw me more than DH, he hated me and now he sees DH more than me, he still hates me.
I don't know what to do. I can't take him to the park or shops without DH (or someone else) because he screams the whole time. I've tried changing my perfume and deodorant and things like that but it makes no difference. Everyone says he's the happiest little boy in the world and nursery think he's the easiest baby to look after - I'm the only person he hates.
The birth was fine, no drama there - left hospital the same day.
I don't know how to fix it.

How do you feel about your DS, OP? Maybe he's picking up on your negativity? Just a thought...

Oh Jesus, he’s hardly going to be allergic just to his mother... OP you sound like a lovely, concerned mum who is simply at her wit’s end trying to get to the bottom of a truly heart-breaking problem. So many people have opinions on this but only you, DH and your DS are living it and you three are the ones who actually know what’s going on. I think you should trust your intuition. You know that something isn’t right. Your son is loved by you and your DH. He is safe and isn’t being abused. You’re not anxious or depressed (although I wouldn’t blame you for becoming so after some of these responses - minimising and belittling you, and deliberately misinterpreting your posts to do so.... 😡). You came on here looking for advice because you are vulnerable and the medical help you have sought wasn’t satisfactory. You do actually have to advocate for your children and fight hard. Unfortunately once is never enough. Especially with the NHS, and in the era of Coronavirus, it’s tougher again. You are going to have to be the thorn in the side of the professionals you choose to see until you get results. Haunt them until you get referrals. Take evidence. Don’t take no for an answer. Good luck!!!

If he's left alone in a room with me then he'll scream. He's done this literally since he was born.

Newborns can barely see further than 30cm and lack any real spatial awareness.

OP has laid out the situation very clearly and it’s both confusing and heartbreaking. But I also feel like there’s some missing information, something we don’t know. For a newborn to actively reject sustenance, to “hate” one person - when they are barely sentient, really - it just doesn’t add up. Voice voice voice is the only thing that would make sense at that age, not appearance or anything else.

If I'm reading you right this behaviour began at the start of lockdown. Are you very stressed, maybe unconciously, by the fears and uncertainty that Covid has brought? Perhaps if you try relaxation techniques - something like yoga maybe - your son will also relax. I think you ought to talk to your doctor as well.

I was just coming on here to post about my own daughter’s intense dislike of me when I saw your thread. She is 1 year old and has never liked me no matter how hard I try. She would not breastfeed either though she would let me give her a bottle. She doesn’t like me to play with her or read to her or hold her. She gets extremely angry, swipes at me and screams her little head off. Recently she’s been getting so angry that she makes herself vomit. She also loves her daddy even though he doesn’t really do anything! Unlike yours however she will sometimes engage with me. She wants me to be in the same room as her at all times as long as I’m not touching her, and she clings to me around strangers. So there is a very small attachment there. I have no idea what is going on or how to fix it but I’ve found it very hard to warm to her when all our interactions with each other are so unpleasant. By contrast her older brother, now aged 2.5, was the most easygoing baby in the world and is still a ray of sunshine in between the occasional tantrum. I dread to think what she will be like during the Terrible Twos! It makes me so depressed that I can’t make her happy. I’ve been waiting to build a relationship with her since before she was born and it’s still just not happening!

So I really, really, really sympathise with you. It must be absolutely awful for you, especially when people dismiss it as normal. I really hope things start to change for you soon!

Op you are so strong and I can only imagine how distressing it must be for you.

Given how long it has gone on for, and the complexity I would echo those saying a specialist psychoanalyst from the Tavistock may be the way to go. They specialise in infant attachment. They can observe in the clinic using two way mirrors.
In the meantime there are wonderful therapeutic parenting Facebook groups which may be useful.
I hope you are getting some support for you too. You’re a person in all of this.

Every day DH was at work, I did all the "looking after". I was there. I changed him, I fed him, I played with him, I went for walks, I made food - he screamed through it all.

Just trying to unravel here - you said in another post that he has never taken any food or milk from you.

So on the days when you were alone with him, did he take any food or milk from you?

@mummmy2017

Could you try dark glasses and a wig

Get your mum to wear it first with her coat.
Play with your DS.
Then get your mum to go out of the room , quickly change into the outfit, and go back in without your mum and see if your DS will play with you.

I would definitely try this!

On a thread like this, it's really fucking insulting not to read the whole thing, so suggestions about not wearing perfume or makeup or anything are really annoying. The OP is already pared back.

Equally frustration are comments about SEN and autism. It's almost as if since autism became better known to the general public, everything is put down to that now, from abusive husbands to children not bonding with their mother. This child interacts perfectly well with other family members - in fact everyone except the OP. He does not sound autistic.

OP my theory based on zero knowledge but a gut feeling is that it is something to do with the trauma of being birthed. Dont get me wrong I know that sounds woo, and I dont know if studies have been done on this or what but when you think about it, labour must be quite intense and scary from the baby's perspective. Maybe most of us forget that moment, but maybe your son didnt. It's the only thing I can think of that would explain why he acted as if terrified of you from the very moment he was born (your description of what happened at the hospital after his birth). Maybe he kept a subconscious awareness of that?

@Lavanderrose

Hi OP I’m sorry to say but maybe you are just being extremely paranoid and I do wonder about your mental health....

OP has said that other people have seen her son's reaction to her. She's not paranoid or making it up.

Why the ... at the end of the sentence?

Phone your HV and ask if they can refer you and your son for Theraplay. Not every LA offers it, but some do. If your LA doesn't offer it there are independent practitioners who are working virtually if you can afford private. This must be really difficult for you.

I am a child psychologist. I mean this in the nicest possible way, but if others aren't noticing this to the same extent you are, then I would recommend you having an assessment for yourself. There are a couple of things that sound a bit worrying, here. Please do see your GP.

This sound incredibly tough OP and you are handling it so well. It starting from birth seems key as it rule certain things out but I think a professional is needed to untangle whether it is an ongoing issue (eg sensory) or a negative association from the birth or early days which can be broken.
I think I would be inclined to go to a specialist family therapist/infant psychologist, but if you prefer to try the GP/HV again I’d go armed with evidence - videos of him doing this with you and behaving normally with different people, a written timeline, a list of behaviours (eg went x hours with no food/drink),and also write down the various suggestions (ASD, attachment disorder etc) from here and ask them to explain why they think it’s not those things. Personally I have found this approach helpful. You sound calm and thoughtful and I’m sure are and will be a great advocate for your DS.

SuperEkstra does being a child psychologist preclude you from reading the thread properly? I’d have thought taking a full history came naturally after a career with such long training. OP has repeatedly said that others have noticed it too.

Some good advice on here already op - I strongly support some professional intervention because it sounds so distressing to you and your son and that must be taking its toll on everyone in the household. I say this knowing the impact moderate/ strong parental preference has on family dynamics. Dd has a strong preference for me and we've had many months of stress and anxiety in our family as a result. But she is nowhere near the level of your son. When I am not around, she is wonderful with dh. But when I'm around she won't let him do anything on a bad day. It's really tough on us both - I sometimes feel I am suffocating and dh feels hopeless despair.

Your situation needs a resolution. I am sure you don't need me to tell you that it is damaging to a child's development not to form an attachment to a parent. Damaging too for your own mental health. Please push for a referral and assessment. Good luck and take care

Hi op sorry some people on here are not being atall helpful I really do sympathise with what you are going through. If you do one thing today please watch toddlers behaving badly I can’t remember what channel it was on but it was a few weeks ago. It was a boy with 2 mums and he would scream with one of them and fine with the other. The lady went round there and they did manage to get to the bottom of it. It was all the anxiety your going through and it was a vicious circle rubbing off onto the child. I really think you would benefit from watching it. Good luck op I hope your ok

Every day DH was at work, I did all the "looking after". I was there. I changed him, I fed him, I played with him, I went for walks, I made food - he screamed through it all.

Just trying to unravel here - you said in another post that he has never taken any food or milk from you. So on the days when you were alone with him, did he take any food or milk from you?

I thought this too- it sounds like you were his main caregiver for some months? On the days with you did he not have anything to eat or drink?

Well, to be fair, anyone can come on here and say they are a psychologist, GP etc.

@MootingMirror I’m so sorry, this all sounds very distressing.

Are you able to detail exactly what happened post birth? I mean in the immediate post birth hours?

I’m only asking as, with my eldest, I was absolutely exhausted after his birth (72 hour labour), and while we did have skin to skin and I did breastfeed him, I then gave him to my husband and I slept for 4 hours (which I really needed!). I honestly think that that ‘hands off’ time really affected our bond initially.

He was a massive crier, and I really struggled with the amount he cried. He didn’t seem to like being held either. And in a weird way, as I result, I think I sort of rejected him and in turn he rejected me (I mean I didn’t really, but it sort of felt like we had a weird dynamic).

Anyway, I busted my balls to create a bond, and we now are super close, but it took a lot of time and perseverance.

Just so you know, I have since had 2 other children and have never let them out of my sight or arms for the first many hours of their lives and it defiantly feels like there is a much more natural bond.

I know this sounds really depressing, but it may just be as a PP suggested that he bonded more instantly with your DH and possibly felt rejected by you (sorry, I’m only speculating!), and so is doing some protective thing?

@Lavanderrose

Hi OP I’m sorry to say but maybe you are just being extremely paranoid and I do wonder about your mental health....

This is so unhelpful. The OP's husband (presumably not mentally ill?) supports her assessment of the situation. The OP is struggling with a difficult situation. She may well have poor mental health as this is HARD. But she is not making this up and she doesn't need to be undermined like this by people who don't know her from Adam.

[quote VeniceQueen2004]@Lavanderrose

Hi OP I’m sorry to say but maybe you are just being extremely paranoid and I do wonder about your mental health....

This is so unhelpful. The OP's husband (presumably not mentally ill?) supports her assessment of the situation. The OP is struggling with a difficult situation. She may well have poor mental health as this is HARD. But she is not making this up and she doesn't need to be undermined like this by people who don't know her from Adam.[/quote]
I'm sorry but you don't know her from Adam either, and you have no way of vouching for the veracity of the narrative. By all counts, it's an extremely unusual, bizarre situation: the notion that a newborn would cry if left alone in a room with ONE specific person (considering how limited their vision is...); would refuse a bottle from ONE specific person; that a toddler "loves everyone on the planet except for me."

When something is so far removed from people's everyday experiences that our normal frameworks can't account for it, you can understand why people are bemused. It clearly needs extensive recording/ documentation and professional help, because there is little we can do without actually seeing it.

@Redolent

*I'm sorry but you don't know her from Adam either, and you have no way of vouching for the veracity of the narrative. By all counts, it's an extremely unusual, bizarre situation: the notion that a newborn would cry if left alone in a room with ONE specific person (considering how limited their vision is...); would refuse a bottle from ONE specific person; that a toddler "loves everyone on the planet except for me."

When something is so far removed from people's everyday experiences that our normal frameworks can't account for it, you can understand why people are bemused. It clearly needs extensive recording/ documentation and professional help, because there is little we can do without actually seeing it.*

Well yes. I don't. So I have no reason to infer she's a crazy fantasist. If people are 'bemused', that's one thing. But to decide because something is outside their experience it must be lies is incredibly rude and unhelpful. There are several people offering possible reasons, strategies and approaches. There is an almost universal suggestion that the OP take this further with HCPs, which surely would shake out whether or not she was making it all up. There is NO NEED to come at this from the perspective she is lying.

What does he actually do when it’s just you and him OP? Does he play with toys, or engage in a kids TV show etc? Or does he just sit and cry? Does he move towards where your DH was?