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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP refuses to acknowledge he was partly/mostly to blame for a very minor injury I gave myself during playfighting

257 replies

LeonaTt · 21/10/2020 11:50

Saying he didn’t push my body part X against hard surface Y (I did it because I’m clumsy..)

But it happened as I was leaping off the sofa to get away from his play fighting (at which point he was following me and was still all over me). It’s clear he played a huge part in my very minor injury but he’s being defensive and saying it was me who actually injured myself. I said I know he didn’t do it with the intention to cause harm but his actions led to the consequence - he’s much bigger than I am so not easy to wriggle away.

He seems very defensive and not apologetic at all. Almost as if it makes him appear like a woman beater or something (which was definitely not what I was implying)

OP posts:
ScarMatty · 21/10/2020 17:15

@stackemhigh

Well I mean technically so far you've only managed one.

However, maybe instead of focusing your time on trying to get mine deleted, you could focus your efforts more on understanding that not everyone sees everything the same way everyone else does.

I am not victim blaming. Play fighting is not abuse.

Heartofglass12345 · 21/10/2020 17:17

If he wants to play fight and you don't then it's not really fun is it. The only thing me and my husband do in that kind of way is tickle each other or smack each other's bums messing around. What does he do when he play fights with you? Does he stop when you say stop?
My sister and BIL used to 'play fight' and she got hurt (she didn't want to do it either but he would start it), and he would tell her she was a wuss etc. Turns out he's an abusive wanker!
It's a red flag for me. Either that or he is a massive child.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2020 17:20

Play fighting is not abuse.

This isn't play fighting. That involves two people. This is just him poking her without her consent. Not play fighting.

lioncitygirl · 21/10/2020 17:20

Ok fine. So it’s not play fighting. He’s abusive. Does he do it a lot? Maybe report him to the police if he always does it.

nitsandwormsdodger · 21/10/2020 17:24

Why are you making big deal out of non intentional minor injury? Who care s? And yep he doesn't want to take blame and be a wife beater who would ?

Juniperandrage · 21/10/2020 17:26

@nitsandwormsdodger

or you could read all her posts and see that actually he was being abusive?

esmethurst · 21/10/2020 17:26

@nitsandwormsdodger

Why are you making big deal out of non intentional minor injury? Who care s? And yep he doesn't want to take blame and be a wife beater who would ?
This.

OP, the point is that he did t do it to hurt you with intent so it's not really abuse.

You got accidentally hurt.

queenqueenqueen · 21/10/2020 17:30

This seems very strange

HappyEverAfter15 · 21/10/2020 17:30

Isn't that normally how a "play fight" begins?

Or am I missing the point? Should we be placing our cups of tea down & suggesting it?

1..2.. 3, let's rumble?

Maybe I'm missing the point completely but I do think this might be a bit over dramatic

😂

esmethurst · 21/10/2020 17:31

@HappyEverAfter15

Isn't that normally how a "play fight" begins?

Or am I missing the point? Should we be placing our cups of tea down & suggesting it?

1..2.. 3, let's rumble?

Maybe I'm missing the point completely but I do think this might be a bit over dramatic

😂

Couldn't agree more.

As if you organise it in the diary Confused

ShalomToYouJackie · 21/10/2020 17:34

I wouldn't call him putting his finger up your nose play fighting, that's just messing about and being silly. I wouldn't call that abusive.

If he was "play fighting" but you weren't agreeing to it and he wouldn't stop when you asked then that's abusive.

DeliciouslyFemale · 21/10/2020 17:41

So many people playing down the fact that this is a much bigger and stronger person doing something to a weaker person, that they DON’T WANT THEM TO DO! Ffs! No wonder so many women stay in abusive relationships, if they’re being told at the beginning that the abuser is only messing.

Just to make it clear: it was one sided play fighting. I didn’t want to and was trying to get away from it since the minute it started. I can’t stand that kind of stuff.

diddl · 21/10/2020 17:41

"OP, the point is that he did t do it to hurt you with intent so it's not really abuse."

The point is that Op was trying to get away from him because he wouldn't leave her the fuck alone!

esmethurst · 21/10/2020 17:42

I'm actually really interested OP to find out whether you specifically told your DH to stop?

As like you say, running away etc can often be seen as part of the game.

Was it clear you wanted it to stop?

esmethurst · 21/10/2020 17:43

@DeliciouslyFemale

But did he actually know she didn't want to?

There are 2 sides to every story

Rosebel · 21/10/2020 17:44

I'm a bit suspicious that you didn't mention in your first post that you didn't want to play fight and only said after people said you shouldn't play fight. You didn't say my husband was play fighting.
If it's true why are you putting up with it. Tell him no firmly. If he doesn't listen then I'd reconsider the relationship.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/10/2020 17:44

It's an issue of body autonomy. If the OP doesn't like it, it shouldn't happen and the term she uses for it doesn't change that. Just because she said 'play fighting' that doesn't mean she likes it or wants to participate in it. It's just the words she used to describe a particular behaviour perhaps because she couldn't think of an equally descriptive term.

The big issue here is that her partner downplayed her feelings and turned the blame back on her. Then he got angry at her. That's the real concern.

timeforanewstart · 21/10/2020 17:45

As i always say to the kids when they are play fighting , it will end in tears Smile

DeciduousPerennial · 21/10/2020 17:47

@timeforanewstart

As i always say to the kids when they are play fighting , it will end in tears Smile
Did you read the thread? 🙄
esmethurst · 21/10/2020 17:48

The big issue here is that her partner downplayed her feelings and turned the blame back on her. Then he got angry at her. That's the real concern.

The OP downplayed her own feelings by saying she was fine and didn't need any help or looking after.

DeliciouslyFemale · 21/10/2020 18:28

@esmethurst

The big issue here is that her partner downplayed her feelings and turned the blame back on her. Then he got angry at her. That's the real concern.

The OP downplayed her own feelings by saying she was fine and didn't need any help or looking after.

I can’t stand that kind of stuff. Do you seriously think he doesn’t know this? Do you think she does a Carry On style ‘stop it’ with a girly giggle?

Women who are being abused, especially when it’s ‘low level’ abuse, often downplay it. An abused woman will leave her abuser seven times, on average, before she finally leaves. Why do you think that is?

jennie0412 · 21/10/2020 18:30

@DeliciouslyFemale What? Hmm you're out for an argument, aren't you?

DeliciouslyFemale · 21/10/2020 18:34

[quote jennie0412]@DeliciouslyFemale What? Hmm you're out for an argument, aren't you?[/quote]
You mean I should just agree with you, because you think you’re right? This is a discussion site, it doesn’t work like that. I’m not going to say nothing while others excuse a bullying man.

helloNCagain · 21/10/2020 18:37

@DeliciouslyFemale It might have been a miscommunication between OP and her partner, maybe?

stackemhigh · 21/10/2020 18:44

[quote ScarMatty]@stackemhigh

Well I mean technically so far you've only managed one.

However, maybe instead of focusing your time on trying to get mine deleted, you could focus your efforts more on understanding that not everyone sees everything the same way everyone else does.

I am not victim blaming. Play fighting is not abuse. [/quote]
Maybe learn to count? You had 4 deleted. I'll keep reporting so hopefully you get banned.

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