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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP refuses to acknowledge he was partly/mostly to blame for a very minor injury I gave myself during playfighting

257 replies

LeonaTt · 21/10/2020 11:50

Saying he didn’t push my body part X against hard surface Y (I did it because I’m clumsy..)

But it happened as I was leaping off the sofa to get away from his play fighting (at which point he was following me and was still all over me). It’s clear he played a huge part in my very minor injury but he’s being defensive and saying it was me who actually injured myself. I said I know he didn’t do it with the intention to cause harm but his actions led to the consequence - he’s much bigger than I am so not easy to wriggle away.

He seems very defensive and not apologetic at all. Almost as if it makes him appear like a woman beater or something (which was definitely not what I was implying)

OP posts:
Bluesheep8 · 21/10/2020 16:06

Wtf is this on here for? So u got a minor injury larking about. It wasn't your DP fault it was yours for larking about. It's not life threatening it's of no consequence. Grow up.

For God's sake RTFT. And for the first time ever I'm going to suggest that the F doesn't stand for FULL.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 21/10/2020 16:10

@Bluesheep8

Wtf is this on here for? So u got a minor injury larking about. It wasn't your DP fault it was yours for larking about. It's not life threatening it's of no consequence. Grow up.

For God's sake RTFT. And for the first time ever I'm going to suggest that the F doesn't stand for FULL.

Exactly if you're going to write a bitchy comment at least make the effort to read the thread first.
ScarMatty · 21/10/2020 16:24

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that1970shouse · 21/10/2020 16:33

@ScarMatty

He tried to start play fighting. You didn't want to. He stopped. You accidentally got hurt. He apologised. You then tried to get a further apology.

End of.

YABU and dramatic

Are you reading a differwnt thread or just making stuff up? He didn't stop. He refused to stop and physically followed her when she tried to escape. He refused to apologise as he said it was her fault for being clumsy.
IMNOTSHOUTING · 21/10/2020 16:36

@ScarMatty

You've completely made up that chain of events. That's not what OP describes happening at all.

ScarMatty · 21/10/2020 16:36

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DeliciouslyFemale · 21/10/2020 16:38

[quote ScarMatty]@that1970shouse

He asked if she was ok, he checked, OP said she didn't want him to stay or want help.

She sounds dramatic, I stand by that.[/quote]
It’s so sad to see how many people still justify abuse, because the injuries aren’t severe enough.

Walkaround · 21/10/2020 16:38

@LeonaTt - you were not playfighting. He was being an irritating twat and you were trying to get away from him. Just tell him his idea of playfighting is your idea of unwarranted aggravation and that you do not appreciate being called clumsy when his unsolicited and unfunny “game” resulted in you getting hurt.

Etinox · 21/10/2020 16:42

@LeonaTt

I find it absurd that people automatically assume I was equally happy to play fight. I find it’s mostly one who wants to and the other is the defensive trying to run away one. It’s really the last thing I’d want to be doing but as that’s the natural dynamic people often assume ‘no get off me’ etc is all just part of the game
You weren’t playfighting. He was teasing/ goading/ bullying you and now he’s reacting defensively because you’ve called him on the consequences 🚩 You ok @LeonaTt? What are you going to do? Flowers
ScarMatty · 21/10/2020 16:42

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jennie0412 · 21/10/2020 16:43

Only mumsnet would jump on OP for play fighting as if it's a shocking crime Confused

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2020 16:47

[quote ScarMatty]@DeliciouslyFemale

But it's not abuse, and actually I think people like the OP minimise actual people being abused.

Play fighting always starts with one person. You don't sit there and both agree to play fight. It starts off as fun.

I stand by what I said, OP is dramatic
[/quote]
As far as I can tell OP doesn't play fight. And so he just does this to her. It's not her sometimes starting it. It's him doing something she doesn't like and her not.

Abuse always starts somewhere. And doing something the other person doesn't like repeatedly is the starting point. Not allowing boundaries. That's the start.

SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 21/10/2020 16:47

[quote ScarMatty]@DeliciouslyFemale

But it's not abuse, and actually I think people like the OP minimise actual people being abused.

Play fighting always starts with one person. You don't sit there and both agree to play fight. It starts off as fun.

I stand by what I said, OP is dramatic
[/quote]
Bloody hell, I'd expect my 6 year old DD to have more sense than you're asking of a grown man! OP has told her DP that she doesn't like play fighting. Most grown adults don't want their partner to randomly stick a finger up their nose or in their ear. It would be bloody irritating. If someone doesn't give a shit that their partner doesn't like this kind of game but insists on doing it anyway they're clearly doing it at the very least to be goady. If they do something like this their partner dodges them and gets hurt they should be apologetic not critisize their partner for being clumsy.

Most of us would expect young children to behave better and if they didn't we'd pull them up on it.

DeliciouslyFemale · 21/10/2020 16:48

[quote ScarMatty]@DeliciouslyFemale

But it's not abuse, and actually I think people like the OP minimise actual people being abused.

Play fighting always starts with one person. You don't sit there and both agree to play fight. It starts off as fun.

I stand by what I said, OP is dramatic
[/quote]
Don’t patronise me about what constitutes abuse. Do you think all abuse starts with a partner kicking the crap out of the victim? It starts slowly, with little incident, such as pretending to play fight, when you know the other person doesn’t like it. It’s a great opportunity to to poke, pride, tickle, overpower and distress the other person, then accuse them of over reacting or having no sense of humour. What part of the OP’s comments gave you ANY idea that she wanted this? The very fact that his actions directly caused her to be injured, even if she did fall over trying to get away, resulted in him trying to put the blame back on her, instead of apologising, dhows him to be a nasty fucker.

I dare say you think tickling children until they cry, is no problem either. Sure it’s only them over reacting.

DeliciouslyFemale · 21/10/2020 16:50

@jennie0412

Only mumsnet would jump on OP for play fighting as if it's a shocking crime Confused
Try reading the thread p, then you won’t embarrass yourself. The OP used the term at first, but it transpires that he was inflicting behaviour on her that she does not like. That’s not play fighting.
jennie0412 · 21/10/2020 16:53

@DeliciouslyFemale maybe she should have said that first instead of drip feeding Confused

Aridane · 21/10/2020 16:53

I find it absurd that people automatically assume I was equally happy to play fight

It’s because you call it play fighting

ScarMatty · 21/10/2020 16:53

@DeliciouslyFemale

Oh please, now you're also being wonderfully dramatic.

MN has a wonderful fashion of shouting abuse at the slightest thing.

SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 21/10/2020 16:57

@ScarMatty

You're totally right, you're obviously an expert. Much better to wait until you're physically beaten up to worry about it, otherwise you're just being a drama queen. Why listen to the experience of people who have been in abusive relationships?

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2020 16:58

[quote ScarMatty]@DeliciouslyFemale

Oh please, now you're also being wonderfully dramatic.

MN has a wonderful fashion of shouting abuse at the slightest thing.[/quote]
He is doing something to her she doesn't like and not stopping when she says no. It might not be serious abuse, but it is abusive.

DeliciouslyFemale · 21/10/2020 17:01

[quote ScarMatty]@DeliciouslyFemale

Oh please, now you're also being wonderfully dramatic.

MN has a wonderful fashion of shouting abuse at the slightest thing.[/quote]
Abuse apologists have a wonderful talent for trying to play down abuse. Framing abuse as the victim being dramatic is actually quite popular amongst abusers.

callmeadoctor · 21/10/2020 17:02

Ermmm there is no such thing as "one sided play fighting"...........

DeliciouslyFemale · 21/10/2020 17:02

[quote jennie0412]@DeliciouslyFemale maybe she should have said that first instead of drip feeding Confused[/quote]
Jennie, you could have simply read her comments, if you didn’t want to read the full thread. It’s not as if she only posted the clarification five minutes, before you posted.

stackemhigh · 21/10/2020 17:05

@ScarMatty

He tried to start play fighting. You didn't want to. He stopped. You accidentally got hurt. He apologised. You then tried to get a further apology.

End of.

YABU and dramatic

@ScarMatty how many victim blaming posts do we need to get deleted before you stop?
picklemewalnuts · 21/10/2020 17:12

That's attention seeking behaviour, rather than play fighting.

He's attention seeking, forcing you to interact with him. What sets these little episodes off?

You need to think really seriously about your boundaries and your relationship. This isn't going to end well for you, if nothing changes.