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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP refuses to acknowledge he was partly/mostly to blame for a very minor injury I gave myself during playfighting

257 replies

LeonaTt · 21/10/2020 11:50

Saying he didn’t push my body part X against hard surface Y (I did it because I’m clumsy..)

But it happened as I was leaping off the sofa to get away from his play fighting (at which point he was following me and was still all over me). It’s clear he played a huge part in my very minor injury but he’s being defensive and saying it was me who actually injured myself. I said I know he didn’t do it with the intention to cause harm but his actions led to the consequence - he’s much bigger than I am so not easy to wriggle away.

He seems very defensive and not apologetic at all. Almost as if it makes him appear like a woman beater or something (which was definitely not what I was implying)

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 21/10/2020 18:49

I don't think you can play fight with just one person. I also think he was entirely to blame for your injury (not just partially).

You need to be more assertive. Absolutely dead-serious when you tell him to "stop it", "get off me", "what do you think you're doing?". Escalating voice tone. No giggling or buying-into his 'joke'. Look at him like he's a moron and you can't believe how stupid he's being.

If he keeps trying when it's absolutely clear that you aren't playing, this isn't fun and you won't tolerate it... well, I agree with those saying it's assault. It's definitely trampling all over your consent, and it would be a relationship-ender for me.

esmethurst · 21/10/2020 18:57

@DeliciouslyFemale

I can only assume you're emotionally tied to a previous form of abuse or something because you really cannot are any other point of view

DeliciouslyFemale · 21/10/2020 19:30

[quote esmethurst]@DeliciouslyFemale

I can only assume you're emotionally tied to a previous form of abuse or something because you really cannot are any other point of view[/quote]
I can only assume you are emotionally attached to an abuser, or you wouldn’t be making excuses for a bully.

feministfemme · 21/10/2020 19:35

Er, honestly I think OP's DH has a defensiveness issue and problems with apologising - but OP has said she knows he didn't intentionally hurt her or want to cause her injury. He also did try and wait and help which she said she didn't want. I think it's potentially a communication issue as opposed to abuse.

CrazyToast · 21/10/2020 19:36

I think playfighting with your partner is fun and loving and a way of bonding and having a laugh together.

legalseagull · 21/10/2020 19:42

Have you tried running and telling your mum?

esmethurst · 21/10/2020 19:50

@DeliciouslyFemale

I rest my case, thank you.

esmethurst · 21/10/2020 19:51

@feministfemme

Er, honestly I think OP's DH has a defensiveness issue and problems with apologising - but OP has said she knows he didn't intentionally hurt her or want to cause her injury. He also did try and wait and help which she said she didn't want. I think it's potentially a communication issue as opposed to abuse.
Perfectly put!
QueenofLean · 21/10/2020 19:52

@CrazyToast

I think playfighting with your partner is fun and loving and a way of bonding and having a laugh together.
Yeah... if both of you want to do it. If one of you is ‘playfighting’ while the other is asking you to stop and trying to run away... not so fun and loving.
feministfemme · 21/10/2020 19:53

@esmethurst Thank you! :)

esmethurst · 21/10/2020 19:57

@QueenofLean

But I think that's where the confusion might be. OP has never actually stated that she asked to stop

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 21/10/2020 19:57

Play fightingConfused. What are you a pair of kittens

DeliciouslyFemale · 21/10/2020 20:00

[quote esmethurst]@DeliciouslyFemale

I rest my case, thank you. [/quote]
If that makes you feel better. Think what you like. I’ll continue supporting those in abusive relationships and you can continue making excuses.

Okayokayok · 21/10/2020 20:04

The idea of one sided adult play fighting gives me the absolute fear Shock bit like someone chasing you up the stairs or tickling you.

feministfemme · 21/10/2020 20:05

@DeliciouslyFemale I can admire your tenacity in relation to survivors of abuse, but do you think there's a chance there was just a miscommunication? OP herself doesn't think her DP actually meant to hurt her.

esmethurst · 21/10/2020 20:12

@DeliciouslyFemale

But you're not even considering that this is just a massive break down of communication.

For all you know the OP might have never told her DH to stop and he genuinely just thought it was a game. He asked if she needed help, she declined. And so he possibility felt bad an acted defensively as lots of people do in some situations.

Shouting 'abuse' when you don't have all the facts is dangerous.

billy1966 · 21/10/2020 20:12

OP,

You partner hurt you.

He then blamed you.

This is NOT healthy.

This is not the behaviour of a good man.

Proceed with care.

Flowers
DeliciouslyFemale · 21/10/2020 20:20

Shouting 'abuse' when you don't have all the facts is dangerous.

Ignoring potential signs of abuse is more dangerous. Anyway, I’m away. Things to do.

jessstan1 · 21/10/2020 20:22

@Okayokayok

The idea of one sided adult play fighting gives me the absolute fear Shock bit like someone chasing you up the stairs or tickling you.
That's exactly how I feel. It upsets me just to think about it.
feministfemme · 21/10/2020 20:22

@DeliciouslyFemale "potential". A lot of the cries of abuse on here are not saying "potential", however.

jessstan1 · 21/10/2020 20:23

@CrazyToast

I think playfighting with your partner is fun and loving and a way of bonding and having a laugh together.
You move in with the op's husband then.
esmethurst · 21/10/2020 20:24

@DeliciouslyFemale

I couldn't agree more.

But a majority of posters aren't saying potential. It's just "that's abuse"

InFiveMins · 21/10/2020 20:27

Posts like this make me cringe. You sound about 9 years old. Next time he tries to 'playfight' with you, remind him you're not 9 and to fuck off.

MilerVino · 21/10/2020 21:13

I find it absurd that people automatically assume I was equally happy to play fight.

OP this is one of the more revealing things you have said. People are assuming that you are happy to play fight because that is the definition of it. Anyone involved has to agree it's play fighting - otherwise it's just fighting. The fact that you've been talked into thinking it's play fighting when it's just fighting tells us everything we need to know about your relationship.

MintyMabel · 21/10/2020 23:04

find it absurd that people automatically assume I was equally happy to play fight.

I find it absurd that someone would describe a situation where their partner launched at them, causing them an injury as play fighting.

Play fighting is two people, usually children, mucking about and pretending to fight. Engaging with your partner in a way that will likely injure them, without their consent is not play fighting.

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