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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP refuses to acknowledge he was partly/mostly to blame for a very minor injury I gave myself during playfighting

257 replies

LeonaTt · 21/10/2020 11:50

Saying he didn’t push my body part X against hard surface Y (I did it because I’m clumsy..)

But it happened as I was leaping off the sofa to get away from his play fighting (at which point he was following me and was still all over me). It’s clear he played a huge part in my very minor injury but he’s being defensive and saying it was me who actually injured myself. I said I know he didn’t do it with the intention to cause harm but his actions led to the consequence - he’s much bigger than I am so not easy to wriggle away.

He seems very defensive and not apologetic at all. Almost as if it makes him appear like a woman beater or something (which was definitely not what I was implying)

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2020 14:29

@OrtamLeevz

There's another word for one-sided play fighting. It is called assault.
This.

The waters got muddied because you described your partner assaulting you as 'play'. It's not. He may not have been angry but he was being an arsehole.

Are there other aspects of your life when your consent and agreement don't matter?

Nicolastuffedone · 21/10/2020 14:29

None if you play fight with your spouse funnily enough.......no

Givemeabreak88 · 21/10/2020 14:31

I wouldn’t play fight and haven’t in any relationship. It always seems to me a way for abusive people to hurt someone and pass it off as playing or a joke or just a bit of fun, as this thread shows.

diddl · 21/10/2020 14:36

I've also never been a play fighter as an adult.

Well, I've always loathed being tickled.

Don't get me started on the insults for that!

Dullardmullard · 21/10/2020 14:37

So have you had any more words over it

Me personally he’d be told to pack it fucking in and if he says it’s only playfighting lighten up. Tell him it’s only play fighting when both are doing it not one and you are not liking it.

What he does after that tells you all you need to know

that1970shouse · 21/10/2020 15:01

YANU to say he's to blame. YABU to call it play fighting. For it to be play, both participants have to be enjoying it.

I'm sure you don't want to call it assault or abuse, but it's certainly not play. He was physically doing stuff to you that you didn't want him to. He wouldn't stop when you told him to stop. He was physically preventing you from getting away from him, using his greater size and strength against you. You were forced to struggle to get away from him and, as a consequence of that, you got injured.

If he thinks that's funny and that you're clumsy and it's your fault then he's an immature bully at best and a sadistic abuser at worst. Don't accept the blame and don't take this lightly.

MiddlesexGirl · 21/10/2020 15:10

This should be what everyone says after reading your update.
If it's one sided and unwelcome then it's not playfighting.
Stop running away. Don't join in or retaliate in any way. If he continues it is abuse.
Ignore the result of the poll - it doesn't reflect what's actually happening here.

needanewidea · 21/10/2020 15:11

He seems very defensive and not apologetic at all. Almost as if it makes him appear like a woman beater or something (which was definitely not what I was implying)

LeonaTt I mean this very kindly, but please have a long think about this statement. You may not have been implying he's a woman beater, but his actions do make him sound like he could be one. And from where I'm standing it sounds like a real possibility.

Physical abuse doesn't start with the guy being violent upfront. If it did, no woman would stick around long enough to be trapped by it.

Abusive relationships often start like loving ones. (sometimes very intense ones). Abuse is often part of a desire to control. An abusive man will start really low-key, pushing boundaries, seeing how much he can get away with. EXACTLY like play-fighting or hurting you by-accident-on-purpose.

He'll either never accept responsibility for it or go over the top and beg forgiveness and make it all about him.

What he's doing - pushing your boundaries by playfighting with you when you don't want it, and now not admitting he hurt you, is exactly how abusive men act in my opinion. They don't start by punching you in the face and expecting you to stay. They start by turning the heat up bit by bit and never accepting reality for what it is, so you end up doubting yourself - did he mean to do that? Why won't he admit it? Maybe I'm overreacting I know he didn't mean to hurt me, etc...

I mean, it's possible he is just being a dick and isn't abusive. But if you don't like playfighting, you really need to tell him to stop. And if he won't - how much respect does he have for you, really?

Cadent · 21/10/2020 15:16

Sounds like he was pushing your boundaries and gaslighting you. The fact that he won't admit he was the injury is a massive red flag. Stay with him at your peril.

PrayingandHoping · 21/10/2020 15:17

Play fighting takes 2 people....

If he's trying and u refuse to join in it's not play fighting

He sounds like a idiot and I question why anyone would entertain being around someone who would try and start "play fighting" where the other adult says no and they don't stop.

S111n20 · 21/10/2020 15:20

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AcrossthePond55 · 21/10/2020 15:21

My DH used to be the 'poke and prod it's all fun' type but very early in our relationship I spelt out to him that I would NEVER find it 'fun', ever. Don't grab me, poke me, 'play-fight' me, wrestle me, tickle me, or anything similar. He listened and learnt. I don't mind physical affection, in fact I love hugs, caresses, and the like. I just don't like physical 'teasing'. IMO it's all micro-aggression if your partner isn't 100% into it.

If you don't like it, tell him in extremely plain language with no shilly-shallying or 'dancing around the edges' so as not to upset him. If he 'pooh-poohs' you, gets angry or defensive, or continues the behaviour then dump him as fast as you can. Because you'll know that he has no respect for you or your feelings and/or he is 'showing you' that he is the 'boss' over your body.

ScarMatty · 21/10/2020 15:21

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stackemhigh · 21/10/2020 15:25

So OP is a drama queen and attention seeking child for complaining about being hurt during forced 'play fighting'? I hope those posters don't have daughters. Or sons for that matter.

Bluesheep8 · 21/10/2020 15:29

What's Roxanne Pallett got to do with it?

needanewidea · 21/10/2020 15:31

OP, please ignore the arseholes.

Why not post in relationships,? We're more supportive over there xx

Sostenueto · 21/10/2020 15:32

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Sostenueto · 21/10/2020 15:33

U did not have to consent to play fighting but u did your choice your fault.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2020 15:33

@Sostenueto

Wtf is this on here for? So u got a minor injury larking about. It wasn't your DP fault it was yours for larking about. It's not life threatening it's of no consequence. Grow up.
RTFT.
QueenofLean · 21/10/2020 15:34

@Sostenueto

Wtf is this on here for? So u got a minor injury larking about. It wasn't your DP fault it was yours for larking about. It's not life threatening it's of no consequence. Grow up.
Have you read the thread? The OP’s partner was trying to stick his finger up the OP’s nose and she was injured trying to get away from him.
Tootletum · 21/10/2020 15:34

Why are you with this guy?? He sounds like a creep who lacks boundaries.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2020 15:34

@Sostenueto

U did not have to consent to play fighting but u did your choice your fault.
And again. Read The Fucking Thread.
jessstan1 · 21/10/2020 15:35

@Sostenueto

Wtf is this on here for? So u got a minor injury larking about. It wasn't your DP fault it was yours for larking about. It's not life threatening it's of no consequence. Grow up.
The op was not larking about and did not want to, she has stated that quite clearly.
WhereYouLeftIt · 21/10/2020 15:42

I've only read the OP's posts, so will undoubtedly be repeating other people here.

"... he looked shocked initially ... Then he randomly muttered that I’m clumsy etc and I said it wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t due to his actions ... He got defensive and said he wouldn’t apologise ..."

His reaction here is one huge red flag. For me, the reflex reaction would have been 'Oh I'm so sorry are you OK??' - let's face it, for most people the apology would have been out of their mouths before they'd even considered whether it'd been their fault or not. But no, this is not his reflex, instinctive action. His reflex is to blame you and make it clear he is NOT sorry. That's the red flag right there - takes no responsibility for his own actions, deflects, blames others, digs in stubbornly.

"I didn’t want to and was trying to get away from it since the minute it started. I can’t stand that kind of stuff."

I was going to ask if he knew you can't stand it, but really it doesn't matter whether he knew or not. "He got defensive and said he wouldn’t apologise". He's wrong already for making it your fault so it doesn't matter that he'd be doubly wrong had he known you dislike that behaviour.

And it's entirely reasonable that you "can’t stand that kind of stuff." Had you not liked - oh, I don't know, being given a present at Christmas, THEN he might have been able to claim that your dislike was unexpected and threw him; but not that many adults like 'play fighting'. I'd hazard a guess that it's a small minority. So your not wholeheartedly participating can't really have been a surprise, can it? So he can't claim his response was the result of being confused, he really can't.

No, his response smacks more of being pissed off that he can't do what he pleases. Pissed off that you told him no and meant it. Pissed off that you have a say in what activity you participate in. Plain old pissed off, and blaming you because he is the centre of the Universe and how dare you thwart his desire to do "something stupid like put his finger up [your] nostril or something". He's childish and self-centred. And not willing to take responsibility for his own actions. Actually, let's come back to the not taking responsibility for his own actions, because this is central.

If he won't take responsibility for his own actions - who is to be responsible for the consequences of his actions? Someone has to be - and he has nominated you. He can do whatever pleases him (and him only) and you bear the responsibility for it. You can get hurt by his actions, and it's your responsibility that you were hurt. Your fault. Are you seeing where this is going yet? Are you seeing the disrespect? You getting hurt matters less to him than him having 'fun' (otherwise, he'd have apologised the second you left the sofa).

Now it might be that he's just an arse. That's actually the Best Case Scenario. There are other scenarios.

Worst Case Scenario is that he's an abuser at the start of the abuse cycle. He's done the Nice part of the cycle, presented as a regular bloke, got you liking him. Now it's time to start the slow slide into the Nasty part of the cycle, which begins with testing how fast he can take it. What will she accept? Can I upset her, and get HER to apologise to me for having boundaries? Because for an abuser, that's the aim. And having got that, he's confident he can push it further. He's almost there - you've told him "I know he didn’t do it with the intention to cause harm" so you've absolved him of deliberately hurting you, a half-apology from his point of view. And how does this statement gel with Worst Case Scenario -

"He seems very defensive and not apologetic at all. Almost as if it makes him appear like a woman beater or something (which was definitely not what I was implying)."

No, you weren't implying it; but I think it is time to consider it. Because although it is Worst Case Scenario, it is a shockingly common scenario.

And remember - Best Case Scenario is that he's just an arse.

1forAll74 · 21/10/2020 15:42

I am not sure what play fighting can entail, was it a kind of wrestling, where you were being held down against your wishes, and it was obvious that you did not like this? . If so, your partner should have realised this, and anticipated that you might get hurt whilst freeing yourself. But if he is immature and stupid, he won't have the mind to think like this.