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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP refuses to acknowledge he was partly/mostly to blame for a very minor injury I gave myself during playfighting

257 replies

LeonaTt · 21/10/2020 11:50

Saying he didn’t push my body part X against hard surface Y (I did it because I’m clumsy..)

But it happened as I was leaping off the sofa to get away from his play fighting (at which point he was following me and was still all over me). It’s clear he played a huge part in my very minor injury but he’s being defensive and saying it was me who actually injured myself. I said I know he didn’t do it with the intention to cause harm but his actions led to the consequence - he’s much bigger than I am so not easy to wriggle away.

He seems very defensive and not apologetic at all. Almost as if it makes him appear like a woman beater or something (which was definitely not what I was implying)

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 21/10/2020 12:41

@LeonaTt

I used the word play fighting just to make it clear he didn’t do it out of anger or to physically hurt me (more just to annoy me) - I think what he was trying to do is something stupid like put his finger up my nostril or something (which I definitely didn’t want - who would..?!) so was trying to push his hands away from my face and leapt off the sofa to try and get away from him
Mate, he is physically abusing you. He is doing things to you physically that you do not want, which cause you discomfort and fear and pain and is refusing to ever stop and will actually chase you down to continue an attack you do not want.

He is physically abusing you.
He is a bad man.
No one deserves what he is doing to you, both physically and psychologically.
He will continue to escalate the behaviour and the only way to end it is to leave him permanently.

Flowers
DeliciouslyFemale · 21/10/2020 12:41

@OverTheRainbow88

I fee like I have deja vu reading this thread!
Indeed. There was a poster a few months back, talking about her husband constantly ‘play fighting’ against her wishes. It was obvious he was abusing her.
feministfemme · 21/10/2020 12:44

@Justforphoto He would apologise, you're right - but for example, if he had been trying to cheer me up, I got hurt in a very minor way and then went off about him "playing a huge part in a very minor injury" etc he might have a bit of a "wtf" reaction given it was a genuine accident and he were trying to make me feel better by play fighting.

I agree that his refusal to take any blame is wrong, but unless this is a characteristic of his or a pattern of events, I can also maybe see that OP might be blowing things out of proportion somewhat (though obviously just speculation and I've not read her other thread so I'm just judging based on her OP and subsequent posts).

OhCaptain · 21/10/2020 12:44

Same @OverTheRainbow88.

Plus a poster mentioned the neighbours calling the police and @LeonaTt has completely ignored that...

Lucked · 21/10/2020 12:45

I sounds like you have had a problem with okay fighting before? If you have stated you don’t want to do it ( which seems an odd thing for an adult to have to stipulate) I would direct this argument away from the minor injury and back to him ignoring your wishes.

But he sounds like a wanker so think about what you really want and who you want to spend your life with.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/10/2020 12:49

Just to round all if that up for you, OP

It wasn't play fighting, you didn't consent

By calling it play fighting you are disguising what it is he is doing, he is forcing you to accept rough physical contact - how far will you allow that?

He is sulking because you might have made it sound like he is a wife beater? Well, think that one through... he is laying his hands on you and ignoring your protests, worse he is telling you his behaviour is because if your actions

You got hurt. What usually happens when that happens? Loved ones usually show concern. What did he do? Got angry cos you made him feel bad...

And best he is an immature man who might listen to your perspective, own his behaviour and grow up.

At worst, you could end up hurt a lot more, being well trained to accept his behaviour with no way of expressing yourself.

Don't let anyone dismiss your feelings. What he did, his reaction, is a problem for you. You don't have to see his side, compromise and let him carry on. You can say no...

diddl · 21/10/2020 12:50

"but sometimes if I'm upset my DH will tickle me or try and playfight with me to try and cheer me up."

But when you say no or move away he stops so no problem?

jay55 · 21/10/2020 12:51

It's not playfighting if it is one sided, that's just assault.

diddl · 21/10/2020 12:51

"I used the word play fighting just to make it clear he didn’t do it out of anger or to physically hurt me (more just to annoy me)"

But even if it's "just" that-why would he want to deliberately annoy you?

At the end of the day if you don't like it-I wouldn't-then leave!

myshoelaces · 21/10/2020 12:53

He sounds like an absolute dickhead op. I'm sure there are other issues with him that you aren't discussing or are minimising in your mind, much like this one.

myshoelaces · 21/10/2020 12:53

Lots of dickheads on this thread too

Original poster
LeonaTt · 21/10/2020 12:54

I didn’t actually blow up at him after the injury. I was a bit like ouch! And he looked shocked initially. I then said it caused a headache etc and he was asking if he should stay to check for a bit to check if I’ll be OK. I said no it’s fine you can go - all the while thinking he realised he played a major part in the injury happening. Then he randomly muttered that I’m clumsy etc and I said it wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t due to his actions But that I know he wasn’t trying to intentionally hurt me. He got defensive and said he wouldn’t apologise which shocked me a little as I thought he realised his part in it without me even saying anything.

It seems worse to me that he blames me yet offered to stay for a while longer to check if I’m okay and asked if my injury felt better once he got back home via texting. I’d prefer if he didn’t look after me but admitted his consented playfighting caused me to leap from sofa and in the end, get injured.

OP posts:
Thurmanmurman · 21/10/2020 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Candyfloss99 · 21/10/2020 12:54

If you didn't want to "playfight" then it's not play fighting is it?

feministfemme · 21/10/2020 12:55

@diddl I mean sometimes he does the "c'mon" thing you do with little kids. Like when they're grumpy about something and trying not to laugh or saying stop but you know they're about to break and smile or whatever (when you're tickling them for example).

I'll agree that OP's DH's reaction is shitty, and he should be apologising. I guess I just think that it could have been a miscommunication? Or general immaturity. And I'm also aware she said "I said I know he didn’t do it with the intention to cause harm" which maybe suggests their communication is poor or things got mixed up along the way. Just a thought.

Nomorepies · 21/10/2020 12:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

ravenmum · 21/10/2020 12:57

So he was grabbing or hitting you, didn't stop when you asked him to or showed that you were not enjoying it, and you had to try to get away from him, during which you hit your head badly enough to think that you could be concussed? Then he said it was your fault for being clumsy?

Takingontheworld · 21/10/2020 13:00

@LeonaTt

Just to make it clear: it was one sided play fighting. I didn’t want to and was trying to get away from it since the minute it started. I can’t stand that kind of stuff. My self defence and trying to get away caused the injury so I feel it wasn’t my fault. It’s obvious the injury wouldn’t have happened without the stupid playfighting he initiated
This isn't normal and your following posts lead me to feel there is a weird dynamic in this relationship. How long have you been together? This doesn't feel right- he doesn't respect your space, doesn't understand consent and shows no self reflection or awareness.
Bluesheep8 · 21/10/2020 13:00

Hold on a minute, you said the injury caused a headache? Hmm

ClementineWoolysocks · 21/10/2020 13:00

I will never understand fully grown adults that play fight. You're kind of asking to be injured.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/10/2020 13:03

Wait! A head injury? Are you OK now? Be very careful. Sometimes the slightest head knock can go on to be quite serious.

ClementineWoolysocks · 21/10/2020 13:04

@LeonaTt

I find it absurd that people automatically assume I was equally happy to play fight. I find it’s mostly one who wants to and the other is the defensive trying to run away one. It’s really the last thing I’d want to be doing but as that’s the natural dynamic people often assume ‘no get off me’ etc is all just part of the game
Having read this, you are not play fighting, that takes two willing participants. He's abusive and using 'he's only playing' as his defence.
gurteee · 21/10/2020 13:04

So many "play fighting" threads recently. Must be cabin fever from lockdown

Bookrat · 21/10/2020 13:04

Leona, please don't be disheartened by the voting. Most of us would understand the term 'play fighting' to imply consent. If consent had been given you would have consented to the risk of minor injury.

But you didn't consent and you should not have been hurt. None of this is your fault. YANBU.

pallisers · 21/10/2020 13:05

every update makes him sound worse. There is some weird shit going on in this relationship.

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