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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP refuses to acknowledge he was partly/mostly to blame for a very minor injury I gave myself during playfighting

257 replies

LeonaTt · 21/10/2020 11:50

Saying he didn’t push my body part X against hard surface Y (I did it because I’m clumsy..)

But it happened as I was leaping off the sofa to get away from his play fighting (at which point he was following me and was still all over me). It’s clear he played a huge part in my very minor injury but he’s being defensive and saying it was me who actually injured myself. I said I know he didn’t do it with the intention to cause harm but his actions led to the consequence - he’s much bigger than I am so not easy to wriggle away.

He seems very defensive and not apologetic at all. Almost as if it makes him appear like a woman beater or something (which was definitely not what I was implying)

OP posts:
Toebarb · 21/10/2020 12:24

OP, this is not acceptable behaviour. What you are describing has no part in a normal healthy relationship.

DimidDavilby · 21/10/2020 12:24

If you're not consenting then I don't think playfighting is the right term. What is he doing, and does he know that you don't find it fun?

Original poster
LeonaTt · 21/10/2020 12:24

I used the word play fighting just to make it clear he didn’t do it out of anger or to physically hurt me (more just to annoy me) - I think what he was trying to do is something stupid like put his finger up my nostril or something (which I definitely didn’t want - who would..?!) so was trying to push his hands away from my face and leapt off the sofa to try and get away from him

OP posts:
HelgaDownUnder · 21/10/2020 12:25

It's not a game if the other person isn't playing. Calling it play fighting suggests it was mutual. If you were trying to flee and he was coming after you it's predatory and abusive. If he was laughing while you fled, it was creepy AF. Just keep running OP, don't stop till you're safe from him.

jessstan1 · 21/10/2020 12:26

I'm so sorry, Leona. You have to put a stop to his 'play fighting' antics, your husband doesn't know his own strength. I'd be frightened to live with someone like that.

MaxNormal · 21/10/2020 12:26

One-sided play fighting

Aka assualt.

ScarMatty · 21/10/2020 12:26

Christ this gets more dramatic by the minute

SonjaMorgan · 21/10/2020 12:27

Non of you play fight with your spouse? I play fight with DH all the time, mainly wrestling and tickling. Sometimes injuries happen but it never turns into a blame game. I did recently leave a heavy item in the hallway that DH then broke his toe on. I did feel a little guilty but accidents happen.

Wife2b · 21/10/2020 12:29

I’m confused, you called it play fighting and then said you didn’t consent? The way it’s written sounds like he was messing about and trying to encourage you to do the same? You tried to ‘escape’ and accidentally injured yourself. Were you playing or not? Was he playing or not? Or did he mean to cause you harm? Only you can answer those questions. It sounds like he was trying to play in which case I’d probably apologise and then laugh it off but it sounds like you’re making a big deal over it which would make me reluctant to apologise and more likely to roll my eyes. Which is it OP?

IMNOTSHOUTING · 21/10/2020 12:30

@SonjaMorgan

Non of you play fight with your spouse? I play fight with DH all the time, mainly wrestling and tickling. Sometimes injuries happen but it never turns into a blame game. I did recently leave a heavy item in the hallway that DH then broke his toe on. I did feel a little guilty but accidents happen.
I guess we might occasionally do something akin to play fighting but not often and certainly never when the other person isn't up for it. No way would I put up with a partner trying to stick his finger up my nose 'for fun' while I was trying to relax or get on with something.
Wolfiefan · 21/10/2020 12:31

This isn’t playfighting. This is him trying to force you into something you don’t want.
If my DH went to do something and I asked him to stop then he would. Instantly. Because he’s not a bullying arse.
And no @SonjaMorgan I don’t. Playing and fighting are two completely different things. I prefer to use my words than physically “fight” with DH for “play”. Confused

QueenofLean · 21/10/2020 12:31

@SonjaMorgan

Non of you play fight with your spouse? I play fight with DH all the time, mainly wrestling and tickling. Sometimes injuries happen but it never turns into a blame game. I did recently leave a heavy item in the hallway that DH then broke his toe on. I did feel a little guilty but accidents happen.
No one has said that. They’ve said that if one person is play fighting and the other person doesn’t want to play fight, it’s no longer play fighting.
Givemeabreak88 · 21/10/2020 12:31

SonjaMorgan

Nope I hate “play fighting”

Lindy2 · 21/10/2020 12:31

He was trying to put his finger up your nose?!

Apart from the hygiene issues (particularly during a global pandemic) it's absolutely ridiculous behaviour and I imagine incredibly infuriating. How long has he been doing this type of thing? How has this become your normal?

I'm not sure what to suggest other than telling him straight you don't want this behaviour and it has to stop. I'd actually have split up from someone who did this and didn't see how it is unacceptable.

DramaDromedary · 21/10/2020 12:32

Nope. I wouldn't be putting up with that shit, and you don't have to either.

ScarMatty · 21/10/2020 12:32

@Wife2b

I’m confused, you called it play fighting and then said you didn’t consent? The way it’s written sounds like he was messing about and trying to encourage you to do the same? You tried to ‘escape’ and accidentally injured yourself. Were you playing or not? Was he playing or not? Or did he mean to cause you harm? Only you can answer those questions. It sounds like he was trying to play in which case I’d probably apologise and then laugh it off but it sounds like you’re making a big deal over it which would make me reluctant to apologise and more likely to roll my eyes. Which is it OP?
This.
Othering · 21/10/2020 12:32

Yeah, your update doesn't make it any better.

Thesearmsofmine · 21/10/2020 12:32

@SonjaMorgan

Non of you play fight with your spouse? I play fight with DH all the time, mainly wrestling and tickling. Sometimes injuries happen but it never turns into a blame game. I did recently leave a heavy item in the hallway that DH then broke his toe on. I did feel a little guilty but accidents happen.
I do it with DH sometimes but we are both happy to do it, if one of us said no then the other would stop right away. My parents have always done it too, even now they are in their 70’s!
IMNOTSHOUTING · 21/10/2020 12:33

@Wife2b

OP explained it really clearly. You can search for OP's posts. She didn't want to play fight. Her DP decided to try and stick his finger up her nose as a joke, she wasn't up for that kind of game so jumped away and got hurt. He refused to apologise.

I really would expect my 9 year old to know better, if someone doesn't want to play you respect that, especially a physical game. If you carry on anyway and they get hurt you apologise and don't do it again.

I'm really not sure why people are expecting less of a grown man than they would of their young children.

Brefugee · 21/10/2020 12:34

Show him the tea consent video and reinforce no means no.

feministfemme · 21/10/2020 12:35

I'm not necessarily sure that it's akin to abuse solely on what OP has said - obviously her husband should be more tuned in to what she's saying, but sometimes if I'm upset my DH will tickle me or try and playfight with me to try and cheer me up.

It doesn't necessarily have to be him being violent or needing dominance, I think sometimes you CAN cross wires and it's not always a sackable offense. Still, I agree that if you didn't want to playfight and he won't take any fault then he has done something wrong.

OverTheRainbow88 · 21/10/2020 12:36

I fee like I have deja vu reading this thread!

SonjaMorgan · 21/10/2020 12:36

I guess we might occasionally do something akin to play fighting but not often and certainly never when the other person isn't up for it. No way would I put up with a partner trying to stick his finger up my nose 'for fun' while I was trying to relax or get on with something.
I just read the update, it wasn't really clear from the first posts.

Has this happened before OP? Surely the issue is him not respecting boundaries or that you don't communicate as a couple?

SonjaMorgan · 21/10/2020 12:39

@QueenofLean pp on the first page clearly said they never play fight with there spouse and asked if the OP was a child.

Justforphoto · 21/10/2020 12:39

@feministfemme

I'm not necessarily sure that it's akin to abuse solely on what OP has said - obviously her husband should be more tuned in to what she's saying, but sometimes if I'm upset my DH will tickle me or try and playfight with me to try and cheer me up.

It doesn't necessarily have to be him being violent or needing dominance, I think sometimes you CAN cross wires and it's not always a sackable offense. Still, I agree that if you didn't want to playfight and he won't take any fault then he has done something wrong.

If you got hurt in that process how would your husband react? would he be apologetic and say he got it wrong or would he blame you? It's his reaction that is the issue and the red flag