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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP refuses to acknowledge he was partly/mostly to blame for a very minor injury I gave myself during playfighting

257 replies

LeonaTt · 21/10/2020 11:50

Saying he didn’t push my body part X against hard surface Y (I did it because I’m clumsy..)

But it happened as I was leaping off the sofa to get away from his play fighting (at which point he was following me and was still all over me). It’s clear he played a huge part in my very minor injury but he’s being defensive and saying it was me who actually injured myself. I said I know he didn’t do it with the intention to cause harm but his actions led to the consequence - he’s much bigger than I am so not easy to wriggle away.

He seems very defensive and not apologetic at all. Almost as if it makes him appear like a woman beater or something (which was definitely not what I was implying)

OP posts:
DeciduousPerennial · 21/10/2020 12:12

Play fighting is ONLY play fighting if both parties are partaking and actually playing.

If one doesn’t want to join in, never wanted to join in, is actively saying ‘stop it’ and trying to get away then it isn’t play fighting.....

I’m surprised you’re calling this play fighting.

PeterPomegranate · 21/10/2020 12:12

What @yelyah22 describes sounds like actual play fighting where it’s a joke and fun for both (until someone gets hurt!)

But I agree with @DeliciouslyFemale - in the OP’s case it sounds worrying.

VettiyaIruken · 21/10/2020 12:12

It's because you called it play fighting.

Two people participating equally is play fighting. That's what it is.

It's not our fault for assuming that when you said play fighting, you meant play fighting.

What he was doing is not play fighting. I read on here I think about the behaviour your update makes clear being boundary pushing and a sly attempt to hurt you. You need to look at him and see what you think motivates him to do these things despite you wanting nothing to do with it.

bm2021 · 21/10/2020 12:12

The word 'play' insinuates it was a mutual 'game' so I'm not sure how you find it absurd that people have made that assumption

DeliciouslyFemale · 21/10/2020 12:12

@MaskingForIt

It’s clear he played a huge part in my very minor injury

You sound like a drama queen. No wonder he is trying to ignore it.

Do you often excuse abusers? Why is that? Do you behave in such a manner, that other people get hurt, but it’s somehow their fault or they’re over reacting?
DeciduousPerennial · 21/10/2020 12:12

Oh, and calling it play fighting 100% implies consent from both parties.

Derbee · 21/10/2020 12:14

This is the weirdest fucking thread I’ve EVER read on MN. Nothing to say really OP. Just fucking weird

Itisbetter · 21/10/2020 12:14

I find it’s mostly one who wants to and the other is the defensive trying to run away one. i have no data on this because we don’t do this at all. Why is this so normal in your relationship if you don’t like it?

GinAtMerlottes · 21/10/2020 12:14

I feel a bit scared for you reading those updates.

Playfighting is two people playing roughly in a physical way.... usually enjoyed by both participants (and I don’t agree with stopping kids doing it, it’s important for their development)

What happened here is the bigger and stronger member of an adult relationship frightened and hurt the other one, and it sounds like a regular thing.

I’m worried for you. Leave him. This is sinister.

Lougle · 21/10/2020 12:14

It's only funny if the other person finds it funny. It's only play fighting if the other person is playing.

You called it play fighting, in which case you would have been unreasonable - accidents happen. But actually he was just 'playfully' hurting you. Which makes you not unreasonable in the slightest.

Why are you minimising his behaviour?

IMNOTSHOUTING · 21/10/2020 12:15

@seayork2020

Op then leave him, other than a 'tell me i am right' what do you want from posters 'play fight' to me takes 2 people, that is what you called it

If it was only one it would not be a play flight.

You are the one putting up with it not us

Wow what a horrible, nasty comment. Her DP is potentially a bully and using play fighting as an excuse for it and you come out with that. OP clearly stated she wasn't play fighting her DP instigated it and she was trying to get away.
Doingitaloneandproud · 21/10/2020 12:15

You called it play fighting, which in essence is play. If you said no and didn't want it and he does it anyway its not play fighting.

You used the term and didn't clarify things in the original post, not surprising you've had replies you didn't like.

ScarMatty · 21/10/2020 12:17

OP, you're going to need to start making sense.

QueenofLean · 21/10/2020 12:19

@LeonaTt

I find it absurd that people automatically assume I was equally happy to play fight. I find it’s mostly one who wants to and the other is the defensive trying to run away one. It’s really the last thing I’d want to be doing but as that’s the natural dynamic people often assume ‘no get off me’ etc is all just part of the game
To be fair, ‘play fighting’ generally means that both parties are partaking. That’s why people assumed you were equally happy to be doing it. If one party isn’t a willing participant, it isn’t okay fighting.
DeliciouslyFemale · 21/10/2020 12:19

Have you a younger female relative, OP? Would you behave in this way towards a smaller, weaker person, knowing they don’t like it? What do you think other people would say if they knew you behaved towards them in such a way. If you had a teenage daughter and he behaved like this towards her and school discovered that he was behaving towards her, in this way, do you think they’d ignore it?

OP, sometimes when you’re directly involved in something, it’s difficult to recognise it for what it is. We can see it, because we’re on the outside looking in. This is an awful situation and you deserve better.

QueenofLean · 21/10/2020 12:19

*it isn’t play fighting

MitziK · 21/10/2020 12:19

One sided play fighting = 'My husband attacked me for fun and is now whining that it's my fault I got hurt because I spoiled his enjoyment of the assault'.

helpfulperson · 21/10/2020 12:19

It's only funny if the other person finds it funny. It's only play fighting if the other person is playing.

Absolutely this. It can be fun even between adults but is a mutual thing. If not it's not play fighting.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2020 12:20

Why are you tolerating this abusive twat? There is nothing normal or healthy about his kind of "play fighting." It is abuse disguised as "fun", and to him it's your fault if you don't think it's funny.

Raise your standards and get rid of this arsehole.

PicsInRed · 21/10/2020 12:20

@LeonaTt

Just to make it clear: it was one sided play fighting. I didn’t want to and was trying to get away from it since the minute it started. I can’t stand that kind of stuff. My self defence and trying to get away caused the injury so I feel it wasn’t my fault. It’s obvious the injury wouldn’t have happened without the stupid playfighting he initiated
Yeah, so he attacked you, and you attempted to get away, and he chased and caught you, and continued to restrain and attack you, and you were injured in that attack. He attacked and injured you.

He can roll that turd in glitter and call it whatever he likes, but it's not "play fighting", it's physical domestic violence against his female partner.

Do you have kids? Can you leave?

Daisydoesnt · 21/10/2020 12:21

I find it absurd that people automatically assume I was equally happy to play fight

OP why are you calling it play fighting then? Is it what your DP calls it?

Because just to add to the chorus of other posters, it's only "play fighting" if you are both willing participants and it's playful. Otherwise it's just bullying at best or abuse at worst and you should make that absolutely clear to your horrible DP.

DeliciouslyFemale · 21/10/2020 12:22

Can people stop going on about the OP’s follow up, as if she’s being unreasonable. Any one that has been abused should recognise how difficult it is to face up to the reality of what is happening. Please don’t leave the thread, OP.

jessstan1 · 21/10/2020 12:22

@BruceAndNosh

If it's really a minor injury, I would ignore whose "fault" it was but insist on no more play fighting as it's only a matter of time before someone gets really hurt.
Agreed.

Is he one of those (-men-) who never admit to being in the wrong?

farandfew · 21/10/2020 12:23

@LeonaTt

I find it absurd that people automatically assume I was equally happy to play fight. I find it’s mostly one who wants to and the other is the defensive trying to run away one. It’s really the last thing I’d want to be doing but as that’s the natural dynamic people often assume ‘no get off me’ etc is all just part of the game
If you weren't happily joining in, it's not play fighting. So of course people will assume you we're happy to join in if you call it play fighting. I think your ideas about the "natural dynamic" etc are skewed. If you've never been into "play fighting" then all that's happening is your partner is trying to hurt or dominate you (even if it's very minor) while trying to persuade you to laugh about it.

@throwaway100000 @Oilyoilyoilgob I'm sorry, I think I've caused some confusion! I'm the one who mentioned abuse; I do stand by that. Of course I don't think play fighting itself is abuse! But if she is not up for it and never has been, and he knows that, then I do think it's abusive because he's trying to control/dominate without her consent.

Play fighting doesn't seem unusual to me, DH and I playfight all the time but we both do martial arts so maybe that's different. But if either one of us said stop or that we weren't up for it, it would stop immediately.

OP what does he say/do if you ask him to stop?

StuckInTheMiddleAndBoo · 21/10/2020 12:24

It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt...
Waggles finger admonishingly