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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting MIL to drive children 3hrs

157 replies

fourlegstwolegs · 20/10/2020 20:59

DH wants children to stay with MIL for a few days. I have no problem with this at all, she is great with them and they love her.
HOWEVER - she lives almost 3hr away, her car is small, she isn't a great driver and she's elderly. Plus the roads between here and there are notorious for horrific fatal crashes (lorries taking out entire families etc).
I said I had no issue with them staying with her, but that I'd drive them there myself and then pick them up again a few days later. I have a bigger, safer car, I am a much better driver (professional driving qualifications) and it makes me feel more comfortable with the risk if I am managing it myself.
DH had a fit. He thinks it's a personal insult against his mother (it is not, it's just fact) and says I am not being rational because the children do sporting activities that carry more risk (he's into statistics) and that if I am prepared to let them do XYZ activities I should let her drive them 3hr each way. He's blown a small issue into a massive deal and won't drop it. Has been bringing it up repeatedly for almost two weeks, is claiming that it's causing him sleepless nights etc, and that he cannot accept my "stance". It's exhausting and I just want him to move on! AIBU?

OP posts:
MonkeySnake · 20/10/2020 21:06

It does sound to me like you're being a bit irrational. Is she actually an unsafe driver or are you just judging her because she's your MIL? You don't need professional driving qualifications to drive safely. Which road regularly has entire families being taken out? This exaggeration makes me think you're not being rational.
If you have a genuine and rationalised reason why she shouldn't drive them then that's fair enough and you and DH will have to reach a compromise but if you're being irrational then you need to stop being difficult.

Piffle11 · 20/10/2020 21:12

So DH is happy with his elderly mother doing a six hour round trip? I really don’t know anyone I wouldn’t be grateful for you dropping them off and picking them up, tbh. I’m 50, and I would be over the moon with someone offering to save me a six hour round trip!

rachelphoebemonica · 20/10/2020 21:12

I do agree to a certain extent with the PP, however they are your children and if you feel worried about it then I don't see the issue with you driving them. It's not as though you're saying they can't go. Plus your MIL may be glad not to have to do the drive.

Has anything been mentioned to her?

Your DH sounds a bit annoying about it tbh.

MonkeySnake · 20/10/2020 21:14

@rachelphoebemonica

I do agree to a certain extent with the PP, however they are your children and if you feel worried about it then I don't see the issue with you driving them. It's not as though you're saying they can't go. Plus your MIL may be glad not to have to do the drive.

Has anything been mentioned to her?

Your DH sounds a bit annoying about it tbh.

They're his children too.... It's unbelievable how many people on this site think the mother gets the final say on everything because they're HER children.
OlegBurov · 20/10/2020 21:15

I get you. My children are adults now but I didn't let my parents drive them for years - their driving just wasn't good enough. In laws are same age but both much better drivers and I was fine with them driving. I never actually said anything, just manufactured situations where it couldn't happen.

It just wasn't something I was prepared to do.

AIMD · 20/10/2020 21:16

I’d be interested to know what sports your children do that are more high risk, in terms of fatalities, than travelling in a car (especially with a bad driver).

If you’re not happy she is a safe driver then yes insist you drive them to her. I would be happy with my children going in that journey with their grandparents but I consider them all good drivers.

Original poster
fourlegstwolegs · 20/10/2020 21:17

@monkeysnake I have been in the car with her - she's very jerky and actually makes the children feel sick. The road is notoriously dangerous - I won't name it but it's a very fast dual carriageway with no hard shoulder and yes, many fatal accidents each year.

OP posts:
rachelphoebemonica · 20/10/2020 21:18

@MonkeySnake it's not because she is the mother. It's because she is scared for their safety and her DH is ignoring her concerns.

If it were her DH saying he was worried and she was ignoring his concerns I would have said the exact same in favour of him.

thecuntingbat · 20/10/2020 21:20

YANBU at all, OP. I would feel exactly the same.

MonkeySnake · 20/10/2020 21:22

[quote rachelphoebemonica]@MonkeySnake it's not because she is the mother. It's because she is scared for their safety and her DH is ignoring her concerns.

If it were her DH saying he was worried and she was ignoring his concerns I would have said the exact same in favour of him. [/quote]
If her fear is rational then I agree with you but it's very common for mothers (and fathers to a lesser extent) to project irrational fears onto their children. As one example, my DH wasn't allowed to travel to London because of the 7/7 bombings. They happened in 2005 when he was 9 and he wasn't permitted to go to London by the time he left home at 18. Completely irrational.
I said I agree with OP if her fears can actually be justified but she hasn't give a realistic or logical explanation here. DH appears to have considered her fear and pointed out that it isn't a proportionate response. There are no roads in the UK where lorries regularly kill entire families - and, if there were, how much safer could OP's car actually be?
Maybe he's kicking up a fuss because those six hours are rare, precious child-free time he gets with his wife after months of being trapped in a house with the kids and no alone time? Maybe we could give him the benefit of the doubt?

Jamiefraserskilt · 20/10/2020 21:24

Kids do activities for which they have an element of control. They do not have any control over their safety when passengers in a car. I get it.
Perhaps your husband should focus on the convenience for his mother who I am sure would be grateful for delivery and collection..

Theaspidistraiswilting · 20/10/2020 21:26

My FIL is an appalling driver. I have been on one white knuckle journey with him at the wheel and have never since let the children be driven anywhere by him. Didn't make it a big issue but have managed with (sometimes extreme) avoidance tactics!

BlueJava · 20/10/2020 21:26

Have been in this exact position OP I said - "I understand you're happy with your mum's driving, however it would stop me worrying about them if I picked them up. I know you don't find it rational but that's what I am doing. You can let this be a massive argument or it can all blow over - up to you." And I went myself. He wisely said nothing.

Shelby2010 · 20/10/2020 21:27

If you’re willing to put yourself out to drive them, then I don’t see why DH is so against it.

Perhaps rephrase it that MIL is doing you a favour by having the DC so you would feel bad her having to do a long drive as well. And also that the DC get car sick in her car on long drives whereas they don’t in your car.

Bringmewineandcake · 20/10/2020 21:27

Why on earth does he think his mum should do a 6 hour round trip anyway? It's nice of her to offer to have them, but no way should she have to do 2 x 6 hour drives for the privilege of a few days with her grandkids.

Fortheloveofgodwhy · 20/10/2020 21:28

Meet her half way, easier for everyone. I did this with my ILs

AlwaysLatte · 20/10/2020 21:29

If she's elderly and not a great driver then you're absolutely right. Don't back down on something so important!!

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2020 21:29

I don't understand all the drama from your husband. Sleepless nights, ffs? You are willing to be the one to do the driving so why is he so overwrought about it? Your concerns are valid imo.

Ihatesandwiches · 20/10/2020 21:31

Meet her half way, easier for everyone. I did this with my ILs

This

Laureline · 20/10/2020 21:31

Your DH sounds a bit unhinged. I think you’re perfectly reasonable and it’s nice to spare your MIL the trip, as an extra courtesy.

BetsyBigNose · 20/10/2020 21:32

YANBU, I totally understand what you mean, I wouldn't let mine in these circumstances either.

I think you might have to explain to your DH that it's not just her poor driving, it's also the fact that she'll have already driven 3 hours before the kids even get in the car, plus the history of fatal accidents on that road. If you haven't mentioned your worries to your MIL as yet, I would just frame it as an offer to save her the journey, and an opportunity for you to spend a bit more time with your children before you say goodbye to them for a few days.

No matter what your DH says, I just wouldn't be able to live with myself if I 'gave in' and she ended up having a terrible accident with my children in the car. It'd be the same if my DH had the same fears about my DM driving the children and I thought it would be fine - his fears would trump my argument and I'd let him drive them if he really felt strongly about it - so nothing to do with 'Mum getting the final say'!

TicTacTwo · 20/10/2020 21:33

Most people would surely think "Thanks for saving an elderly woman 6 hours in the car and the cost of fuel"?

FloreanFortescue · 20/10/2020 21:34

No way I way I'd be letting a jerky driver take my children for 6 hours on a dangerous road. MIL or no MIL.

CherryPavlova · 20/10/2020 21:38

How old is she to be ‘elderly’ but have young grandchildren?

Girlzroolz · 20/10/2020 21:39

I’d say your DH is reacting emotionally through inner denial that his mum is getting on and her faculties are naturally diminishing. Nothing to do with caring about the kids, or stats.

I’d take a different stance with him. I’d feign righteous horror that he was encouraging a plan that meant such effort for his poor mum. That at her time of life she could surely expect a bit more help from her son, rather than being expected to do all the ‘heavy lifting’ of long drives with distracting kids. Even if she did offer, the correct and loving thing would be to find an easier alternative for her. She surely deserves to do more fun things with the DGC at her place rather than have the worry of getting them across the country. Tell him you’re surprised at his hard-heartedness.

He can hardly think you’re insulting her then, can he?

Side note: I’d never let her drive them, with those conditions, under any circumstances. No matter if I had to spell it out and take the brunt of the hurt feelings and anger. I’d blame my anxiety if I had to, and put my hand up to being unreasonable and yet insisting.