Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting MIL to drive children 3hrs

157 replies

fourlegstwolegs · 20/10/2020 20:59

DH wants children to stay with MIL for a few days. I have no problem with this at all, she is great with them and they love her.
HOWEVER - she lives almost 3hr away, her car is small, she isn't a great driver and she's elderly. Plus the roads between here and there are notorious for horrific fatal crashes (lorries taking out entire families etc).
I said I had no issue with them staying with her, but that I'd drive them there myself and then pick them up again a few days later. I have a bigger, safer car, I am a much better driver (professional driving qualifications) and it makes me feel more comfortable with the risk if I am managing it myself.
DH had a fit. He thinks it's a personal insult against his mother (it is not, it's just fact) and says I am not being rational because the children do sporting activities that carry more risk (he's into statistics) and that if I am prepared to let them do XYZ activities I should let her drive them 3hr each way. He's blown a small issue into a massive deal and won't drop it. Has been bringing it up repeatedly for almost two weeks, is claiming that it's causing him sleepless nights etc, and that he cannot accept my "stance". It's exhausting and I just want him to move on! AIBU?

OP posts:
TheKrakening3 · 21/10/2020 03:53

I have been the grandchild stuck with a badly driving grandparent. 4 hours on rural highways. Nearly had our first crash leaving Melbourne Airport. I have never been so terrified and powerless in my life. As a result, I am extremely strict about the family members who are allowed to drive my children. My Dad and FIL have never been allowed to drive them. My mother can and still does. My MIL did but lost confidence in her driving a few years ago and handed in her license. My SILs are excellent drivers and fortunately do all the airport pick ups when we visit them so FIL’s feelings are spared.

Feedingthebirds1 · 21/10/2020 03:57

he's into statistics

He might like spouting numbers, but he clearly doesn't understand statistics. They are a general picture of trends which may have no bearing on a particular situation.

If he is quoting statistics of road deaths across the population, find the figures for drivers aged over 70. Even then, they will include some drivers who are still perfectly capable, good drivers, but at least the numbers will be closer to your situation. And then get the figures for your DCs activities for children of their age. For example if it's rugby, and the figures relate to the sport as a whole, you can't say the risks are exactly the same for children as they are for a group of 22st blokes.

As I say, even then it may not be representative of the particular risks here. But at least you can show him that you have a better understanding of statistics than he has.

DC3Dakota · 21/10/2020 03:57

YANBU! Your DH is BU though, expecting his elderly DM to do a 6 hour round trip! Especially on a dangerous road, with or without his kids in the car - wow.
My DM wouldn't do it (nor would I want her to) and she's a fantastic driver

DC3Dakota · 21/10/2020 04:01

@CherryPavlova

How old is she to be ‘elderly’ but have young grandchildren?
Hmm My Mum is 76 and my child is 5... If my Dad was still alive he would be 81. I'm 36. Why is it so hard to believe that an elderly person would have young grandchildren?!
TravelDreamLife · 21/10/2020 04:07

I won't let my kids get into the car with my DF or DM (80 & 74) for similar reasons. Statistics won't save you from a truck running a stop sign.

My DH can be stubborn and unable to be reasoned with when he is determined about something. My response would be, 'I don't want to fight about it, the kids just won't go'. If he baulks I remind him of a time his stubbornness cost us. (Which it has - we'd be mortgage free by now with my option.) I don't try to reason or negotiate repeatedly. It's pointless.

Edinburghfalls · 21/10/2020 04:19

How strange. I thought youR OH was going
To be upset because you vetoed the whole thing and it couldn’t happen.
As a parent, it’s your prerogative even if your risk-Assessment of your MIL were to be off.
In terms sport activities, you do a Conscious or unconscious risk assessment when you do things in life. Some things you take the risk for as there is No alternative and you believe the benefit to Be worth it. In this situation you have a perfectly good alternative that would Help decrease any perceived risk. It seems Sensible.
I would not want to my MIL to feel criticised at all. I would probably tell her I insisted on driving given the gesture she is making and if for some reason she insisted on driving then I’d explain I get anxious and would rather do it myself.
I certainly wouldn’t compromise my children’s safety to avoid upsetting my OH or anyone else.

Inkpaperstars · 21/10/2020 04:46

@CherryPavlova

How old is she to be ‘elderly’ but have young grandchildren?
Can easily happen, my DM knows more than one person who had their first grandchild in their 80s...by the time the kids are old enough to be visiting alone for a few days they could be getting on quite considerably for a six hour drive.

When it comes to men especially...more than a few are having kids in their 60s, so I hesistate to estimate the age of prospective grandparents.

There are lots of young grandparents but it doesn't necessarily go that way, fairly obviously.

To be fair, I know sometimes on MN an 'elderly' sounding MIL turns out to be 57 or something Grin

NeonGenesis · 21/10/2020 04:53

Your DH is BVU to insist that his poor mum drives for 6 hours when she's doing him a favour by looking after his children. If you're prepared to do the driving for her then surely that makes things much easier for her?

And he's having sleepless nights?!

He sounds like one of those spoilt man children who doesn't understand that his mum is an actual person. He's too busy thinking about himself and what he wants and how everything affects him.

Starksforthewin · 21/10/2020 04:59

[quote fourlegstwolegs]@monkeysnake I have been in the car with her - she's very jerky and actually makes the children feel sick. The road is notoriously dangerous - I won't name it but it's a very fast dual carriageway with no hard shoulder and yes, many fatal accidents each year.[/quote]
I’m betting it’s the A34. Hideous road with many accidents caused by lorry drivers going too fast and paying no attention to the road.

Two recent examples of almost entire families being killed by lorry drivers.

londonscalling · 21/10/2020 05:19

@Fortheloveofgodwhy

Meet her half way, easier for everyone. I did this with my ILs

Misery but this is a silly idea.

If MIL's driving is bad and is putting the kids at risk then you shouldn't let them in the car at all.

Tinythumbelina · 21/10/2020 05:22

Personally, I would take the kids. At worst, she drives them back when she's fresh & at a suitable time. She may decide after a week that half way is enough. Win-win.I think mid morning when roads aren't icy etc. I let me kids do risky things but no risks on the roads. 6 hours in day with kids . No way.

Rookie93 · 21/10/2020 06:36

I'd suggest that he takes the children, so can spend time with his DM as well. Also is there a reason why they couldn't travel on a train from a local station ? - more expensive but you can book in advance and get a cheaper deal. Far easier than a 6 hrs return drive and much less stressful all round, everyone can play games, chat or watch the world go by. Then only driving to and from the station. Have used trains a bit during the current situation and the mainline trains I've used in the SE have been quite empty so easy to SD, though appreciate all routes may not so easy.

Caeruleanblue · 21/10/2020 06:43

I drive distances on my own but would not happily take DCs - I don't know how old they are but having two possibly sickly/fighting/thirsty /dropped their toy/want a wee DCs is different.
How often does DGM do three hour trips on a bad road?
3 hours is a long way for someone who doesn't make the journey regularly.

Isitbedtimeyet4 · 21/10/2020 06:47

My parents driving is awful. They’ve both been in bumps and knocks, although luckily no major crashes, and both have speeding fines.
I was in the car with my dad the other day and he got distracted and almost rear ended a fiat 500... he had no idea until I yelled.
They don’t drive my children, I’m not even slightly sorry and don’t feel guilty, I like them with all their limbs 😂
So honestly no, I don’t think YABU.

NoGoodPunsLeft · 21/10/2020 06:53

Have you asked MIL if she would prefer you to drop/collect them?

My mum used to visit for a day, it was 1.5 hours each way but only an hour on the train so she'd do that instead because she didn't want to drive 3 hours in one day, surely your MIL doesn't even want to drive 6 hours????

mrsmummy1111 · 21/10/2020 06:55

I'm struggling to understand why your husband cares that much? In neither scenario is he the driver, so what does it matter??? Sounds like he's a mummy's boy (and a massive drama queen)

sunlight81 · 21/10/2020 07:00

Completely get you!!!

Ur doing her a favour, driving is tiring and 3hours is a lot. Better u do a 6hour round trip than ur older MIL. Surprised MIL/DH aren't grateful ur prepared to take the load.

Call the MIL and tell her 3kids is a lot so use the 3hrs free time to rest/cook a lovely meal/prep for their arrival - u want to help her and take the burden out of the driving!!

Blueberries0112 · 21/10/2020 07:01

Tell him this, if he let his mother drive three hours, then he need to let your mother drive too.

Personally, the more my husband throws a fit about it, the more I don’t trust it. It’s tells me deep inside he knows you are right but doesn’t want to think his parents are getting older.

DartmoorDoughnut · 21/10/2020 07:13

YANBU. I still remember vividly being in a car with my granny and her driving in the middle of the road and us almost getting hit by another car. There were long painful discussions about her stopping driving after that! Although she was in her late 80s

drumandthebass · 21/10/2020 07:35

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Bad or good driver, young or old a 6 hour round trip is a lot for anyone. As a PP said I would word it to MIL you're grateful she's having the children so the least you could do is to take and pick up. I can't believe your husband would want his mother to drive 6 hours tbh

GnomeDePlume · 21/10/2020 07:36

YANBU it was at about this age that we stopped my DM from driving DCs. She had become more easily distracted and struggled in bright sunlight and low light.

Why is your DH so fixated on this? I would have thought he would be glad that his DM was going to spend some good time with her GCs and be saved long drives.

boymum9 · 21/10/2020 07:37

Yanbu, I would feel exactly the same as you

Roselilly36 · 21/10/2020 07:39

YANBU I would feel the same.

OverTheRainbow88 · 21/10/2020 07:41

I would drive them myself, still now at the age of 30 I remember being scared being driven by my Nan!

Why take the risk if you’re happy to drive!

AnxMummy10 · 21/10/2020 07:45

OP I'm with you. Your dh is more concerned about causing his mother offence rather than taking into account the facts and danger here.
I wouldnt budge on this. If something were to happen, he would be ok with that as long as he didnt offend his mother.
You are offering to drive them there and back so it doesnt affect him rather than offending his mother.
I wouldnt take a chance with my DC.
It might sound dramatic but you've listed some good points most of all she isnt a good driver !!