Not wanting MIL to drive children 3hrs

[fourlegstwolegs]

DH wants children to stay with MIL for a few days. I have no problem with this at all, she is great with them and they love her.
HOWEVER - she lives almost 3hr away, her car is small, she isn't a great driver and she's elderly. Plus the roads between here and there are notorious for horrific fatal crashes (lorries taking out entire families etc).
I said I had no issue with them staying with her, but that I'd drive them there myself and then pick them up again a few days later. I have a bigger, safer car, I am a much better driver (professional driving qualifications) and it makes me feel more comfortable with the risk if I am managing it myself.
DH had a fit. He thinks it's a personal insult against his mother (it is not, it's just fact) and says I am not being rational because the children do sporting activities that carry more risk (he's into statistics) and that if I am prepared to let them do XYZ activities I should let her drive them 3hr each way. He's blown a small issue into a massive deal and won't drop it. Has been bringing it up repeatedly for almost two weeks, is claiming that it's causing him sleepless nights etc, and that he cannot accept my "stance". It's exhausting and I just want him to move on! AIBU?

So he wants his elderly mum to do 2 x 6 hour journeys?! He’s unreasonable for that alone.
I totally agree with you OP. It wouldn’t be happening on my watch.
He’s having sleepless nights?! Is he usually such a drama queen?!

I banned ils from ever having my dc in their car..
Mil never got past second gear and she wore glasses to 'assist' fil drive.
No fucking way!!
And she had a cushion on her front seat to boost her up as she was under 5 foot!

Does his mum want to drive 6hrs in one day?.

He just needs to spin it to his mum so she doesn't feel criticised. She might be delighted not to have to do either journey (and can stay at home resting before their arrival!). He needs to calm down a bit - does he feel she is controlling and will be upset with him?

@CherryPavlova

How old is she to be ‘elderly’ but have young grandchildren?

70s. Maybe an arbitrary definition of elderly but hey...

@PinkiOcelot

So he wants his elderly mum to do 2 x 6 hour journeys?! He’s unreasonable for that alone. I totally agree with you OP. It wouldn’t be happening on my watch. He’s having sleepless nights?! Is he usually such a drama queen?!

Yes. Bottles things up, stews on them, for months at a time. I have told him I think he needs a therapist.... And yes, weirdly he WANTS her to drive 3hr here, pick them up and drive 3hr back. And then repeat a few days later. It's all quite odd. I can't imagine she actually wants to do that!!

I think she's doing a lovely thing by having them to dtay for a few days.
I think you're doing a lovely thing by saving her 2 6hr round trips.
Why does your DH not see that? Or is he afraid of her getting old?

My IL's are banned from having my young children in the car so I completely agree. They are also elderly and terrible drivers in the couple of journeys I have been in the car with them we nearly had major incidents i immediately said they would never have my children in the car.
My own father is also not allowed to drive my children anywhere so it isn't just because they are my IL's.

I trust my parents and in-laws driving my kids, but they’d already be doing us a favour by taking the kids for a few days, I wouldn’t add 2 x 6 hour drives on too.

I’d either meet half way, DH and I would do a drop off/pick up each, or either us or grandparents would break the journey staying over for a night or 2. Some combination of the above that didn’t involve 12 hours of driving for elderly people

If I was the MIL I’d be delighted my grandchildren were coming to stay and I’d be even happier j didn’t even have to do the driving!

Drive them there and stay for a few days. Get away from your irritating DH for a while!

Sounds like a much safer option if you drive the.. You're doing your mil a favour by saving her the journey anyway.

Your dh is being a nightmare! Sleepless nights because you want to keep children safe and save his mum a long drive. He needs to get a grip.

@MonkeySnake she's taking them for a few days, I'm sure he can forgo those hours in the car, and if he felt that strongly about spending time with her he can share the driving and spend those few hours alone with her there.

The example you are giving is extreme and not really comparable. OP isn't saying they can't go, she's saying she'll take them.
Granny sees kids, kids see granny, OP isn't anxious about drive, Granny doesn't have to do long trip. OP and DH get a few days of alone time. Everyone's a winner 🤷🏼‍♀️

You're allowed to parent your child - your dp is being an arse. Surely MIL will be relieved? It's pretty crappy to drive for 6 hours, 3 with passengers.
I will happily drive for 6 days in a day - but I'm a good, confident driver with a performance car which makes driving a breeze.
I also drive alone, with no distractions (apart from pop master) - driving with children is so much more tiring!

YANBU!! Firstly as PP have mentioned it’s kinder to MIL not to make her do 2 x 6 hr trips!
Secondly I don’t like MIL driving my kids either. I don’t mind on the slower local 30mph residential roads near her house but on the 3 motorways and several fast A roads between our house and hers? Nope. She isn’t a confident driver which while not bad exactly doesn’t inspire me to have confidence in her! Everyone is more comfortable when DH or I drop the children down to her and pick them up a couple of days later!

I assumed MIL would be breaking the journey by staying over and driving back with DC the next day, and still think would be quite an undertaking.

Can't believe this would be a 6 hour round trip for her, TWICE!!!!

I think it's great that you don't want this to happen, whatever your reasons.

Well he is a hysterical drama queen and you seem to lack sensitivity.

Why on earth didn’t you just say “oh how lovely if her to have them, so generous, wouldn’t dream of letting her do that tedious drive, I’ll drop them off “

How elderly is she?

Contact her directly and say 'It's a hell of a long way and I drive that distance more often than you do. How about I bring them to you and also collect?' I bet she bites your hand off.

Is it possible he's stropping because he wants to see her but doesn't want to make an effort to travel himself? Your plan would mean he didn't see her, unless he comes with you.

I don't think it's particularly safe for anyone to do a 6 hour round trip journey in a day irrespective of age. Can you not compromise, arrange a day out somewhere midway at the end of which DC go home with granny, and then something similar several days later. That way no one is having to do 6 hours in a car in one day, which of course if there's traffic, an accident or roadworks could be even longer.

I think you're both BU in thinking anyone should be driving a 6 or more hour round trip irrespective of age. I drive 3-4 hours to my DP, there's no way I would consider driving back the same day (I have done it, but it was bloody exhausting).

Hmm it’s difficult to know whether you’re being unreasonable. On the one hand, if she’s actually an unsafe driver then of course you shouldn’t want your children to be driven by her. But there are a few things about your posts which sound quite exaggerated. You haven’t mentioned where this dual carriageway is which regularly wipes out entire families. You also mention your professional driving qualifications as if that’s relevant when it really isn’t. You don’t need professional qualifications to be able to drive safely. Maybe your view of what’s decent driving is a bit skewed because you’ve done all sorts of extra tests or whatever. I don’t know. It’s impossible to say.

Tbh I think you sound anxious and are being over protective. Its natural to worry but unless your mil has a history of car accidents she is most likely a safe driver.
However if i was your mil i would be relieved and happy not to have to do a 6 hour round trip!
Meeting half way is also a good compromise.
Just wondered if your dh and mil looking forward to seeing each other and your plan scuppers this ?

Your DH is being an arse, of course YANBU. She won't be used to driving distance with 2/3+? Kids in her car to distract her either

& wtf does he want his DM to drive that far for her sake either 🙄

Your dh is being ridiculously dramatic, not sleeping because he wants his 70 yesr old dm to drive 3 hours each way to pick up his kids, rather than you and him doing it😂.
I seriously doubt mil wants to drive 6 hours twice within a few days, so its good you can do it.
It's a shame you didn't sell it as doing mil a favour, not that you have to of course.

Can you do one way, she does the other? Why is he so fixated on this? Has your mil even been consulted?

I hardly think it's fair on your MIL to drive six hours twice to look after your kids. Phrase it more as an "I insist on doing the driving as you're helping us out so much having the kids" than "I don't trust you" and all should be well.