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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not wanting MIL to drive children 3hrs

157 replies

fourlegstwolegs · 20/10/2020 20:59

DH wants children to stay with MIL for a few days. I have no problem with this at all, she is great with them and they love her.
HOWEVER - she lives almost 3hr away, her car is small, she isn't a great driver and she's elderly. Plus the roads between here and there are notorious for horrific fatal crashes (lorries taking out entire families etc).
I said I had no issue with them staying with her, but that I'd drive them there myself and then pick them up again a few days later. I have a bigger, safer car, I am a much better driver (professional driving qualifications) and it makes me feel more comfortable with the risk if I am managing it myself.
DH had a fit. He thinks it's a personal insult against his mother (it is not, it's just fact) and says I am not being rational because the children do sporting activities that carry more risk (he's into statistics) and that if I am prepared to let them do XYZ activities I should let her drive them 3hr each way. He's blown a small issue into a massive deal and won't drop it. Has been bringing it up repeatedly for almost two weeks, is claiming that it's causing him sleepless nights etc, and that he cannot accept my "stance". It's exhausting and I just want him to move on! AIBU?

OP posts:

PanamaPattie · 20/10/2020 22:36

What does your MIL want to do? Has anyone asked her if she's ok with all the driving?

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 20/10/2020 22:41

I think I'd be going with them to stay with the mil, DH sounds rather dramatic..sleepless nights!

katy1213 · 20/10/2020 22:42

Is he always such a drama queen? Sleepless nights for heaven's sake! What's he like when he has something real to worry about?

Jeschara · 20/10/2020 22:44

Sleepless nights, what a over reaction. Your childs safety comes first dont let her drive them.

MoonJelly · 20/10/2020 22:59

says I am not being rational because the children do sporting activities that carry more risk (he's into statistics) and that if I am prepared to let them do XYZ activities I should let her drive them 3hr each way.

Does his statistical analysis include the fact that his mother isn't a great driver, the roads are bad and her car offers less protection?

MoonJelly · 20/10/2020 23:03

Has been bringing it up repeatedly for almost two weeks, is claiming that it's causing him sleepless nights etc, and that he cannot accept my "stance"

Point out he'd have many more sleepless nights if his mother and the children were injured or killed because he made them her drive them.

Is there any chance of getting together with your MIL so she can tell him she can only have the children if she doesn't have to do any long distance driving?

0gfhty · 20/10/2020 23:06

Yanbu. Definitely drive them yourself end of, you have very valid concerns. Your husband is being ridiculous and his mother will surely be very grateful. And if she isn't then what's her problem? Whatever it is she will have to move on and accept your very reasonable and generous decision.

RoseByAnyOtherName · 20/10/2020 23:08

Your DH sounds bullying - he is refusing to take account of your feelings. I don't think it is particularly relevant whether you are being reasonable or not. (FWIW I think you are being eminently reasonable, but even you weren't, unless you were being outright bonkers he should care about how you feel.)

Your plan inconveniences no one but you. It puts your mind at rest. He would rather you went through mental anguish than offend his mum.

Do your sleepless nights carry weight in this 'discussion' (which seems to actually be emotional blackmail rather than an adult discussion, and minimising your assessment of the situation)?

Does he often dismiss or override your concerns?

ScarMatty · 20/10/2020 23:14

Contrary to most the above, I think that you sound like an absolute nightmare.

Coffeeandcocopops · 20/10/2020 23:32

How old is this elderly mil? Such ageism on MN ... I’m interested is she 50s,60s or 70s?

WingingItSince1973 · 21/10/2020 00:23

YANBU at all!! If you feel safer taking the children yourself then just do it. I would feel the same. I would have thought she would have been greatful to save the 6 hour round trip. The kids would be more comfortable in your car and you'll have more room for luggage. My middle daughter passed her test in January. In August we all went nearly 3 hours away for a holiday and she drove herself and my 5 year old grandson. I was a nervous wreck the whole time 🤣 Its a mum things. Some dad's don't seem to get it. I know my husband is super laid back and doesn't see a problem with anything xx

Nanny0gg · 21/10/2020 00:48

If I were your MiL I would be very grateful for you doing the driving. 3 hours then the children...tiring. Have you actually spoken to her to find out what she thinks?

But can't you do it as a family so your husband gets to visit his mother? Or he could do one of the trips on his own, to see his mother?

SionnachGlic · 21/10/2020 00:54

I too would be worried about a 6 hr return trip, possibly MIL is already tired at start of the return drive, with children to distract & on top of which one of whom could announce that s/he feels nauseous or gets sick. On a busy motorway known for accidents... in a car being driven by someone who you feel is not the safest driver. Tell your husband ypu are doing your MIL a favour by not tiring her out with the huge drive before she has to start caring for the kids for a few days. And also that you are worried & not prepared to be anxious the entire time. It does sound odd to me also that he would prefer his Mum in her 70s do the 6 hr trip rather than offer himself immediately to spare her the hassle (exhauston, inconvenience, cost etc) never mind that you are happy to do it. Tell him keep his stats to himself... you are worried enough to say No on this issue of MIL driving & such is the worry, you will take the burden onto your own shoulders.

Inkpaperstars · 21/10/2020 01:09

I don't think anyone drives their best towards the end of a six hour round trip. DP does it fairly regularly, often it takes longer, and by the end he is pretty tired. I think your DH is being unreasonable in not seeing that it would be a nice thing to do for his mother to take the children to her. She is already going to be looking after them.

On the other hand, not every 'jerky' driver is an unsafe driver....some drivers are a bit jerky and slow, but actually safer and very aware. If you think her driving is really dangerous, maybe assess whether you want her to drive the dc at all. I had a relative who pretty much had an accident every single time she drove, no exaggeration. She managed to crash into her own garage before she left the drive once, poor thing. But not being a smooth driver doesn't mean someone is necessarily running higher risks at all, I wouldn't have thought. Maybe I am wrong.

Approach it tactfully with your DH and reassure him you value her help and don't want her to be exhausted.

SeekingAnswers3 · 21/10/2020 01:19

YANBU OP I would do the same

seayork2020 · 21/10/2020 01:31

@RoseByAnyOtherName

Your plan inconveniences no one but you. It puts your mind at rest. He would rather you went through mental anguish than offend his mum.

Do your sleepless nights carry weight in this 'discussion' (which seems to actually be emotional blackmail rather than an adult discussion, and minimising your assessment of the situation)?

Does he often dismiss or override your concerns?

So a mother can have any concerns she can come up with but if a father does not go along with it he is bullying?

Why are mothers more saintly than fathers?

Just being picking things to be concerned about automatically make a mother a better one?

When a father has a concern on here it is called 'controlling'

Ponoka7 · 21/10/2020 01:32

@Coffeeandcocopops, she's in her 70's. For six hour driving purposes, that can be described as elderly.

Also if you aren't around her a lot, you won't see if her driving is getting worse. My Sister is 64 and her driving is becoming dangerous. Her concentration and reaction time, is going and because she has the car full of stuff, we now refuse a lift from her, if my GC are with us. Not all 65+ people can still navigate roads and motorways as well as they once could. Fine if you are driving alone, but not with young children. A few generations ago this wasn't an issue.

If two parents disagree on something, the one whose choice would certainly carry no risk, gets to make he final decision.

I was once told that I was making a fuss over a situation. My DD's 12 year old friend was killed. It was a road accident. If I'd have done what I wanted to, I would have changed circumstances enough for that not to happen. It's 25 years on and it still stays with us all. It happened on an accident blaclspot. The road is one were children die on it every year. The local school loses a pupil a year on it. Accident blackspots do exist and I don't know why posters are denying that they do.

Ponoka7 · 21/10/2020 01:37

@seayork2020, Mother's do tend to be less risk adverse. It's rare that children die in boating/hobby accidents, or be injured with female carers at the rate they do with male carers. Even the ratio of male vs female teacher, caused accidents.

One parent doesn't get to pig headedly come up with a plan that could put the children at risk, when there's a no risk solution.

alexdgr8 · 21/10/2020 01:56

? maybe he cannot accept that his mother is getting older.
why don't you all drive up there together, deliver children to GM for few days and you and husband peel off to a hotel for time apart.
good luck.

timeisnotaline · 21/10/2020 02:10

People who use statistics to argue when they actually have no grasp of statistics are tossers. Your dh is a tosser. I don’t know how you’ve dealt with his drama queen act on top of it all. I’d tell him to call his best mate and say I can’t sleep at night because wife doesn’t want my mum, in her 70s to do two 6 hour drives within a few days. Would you believe the nerve of that woman I married, says she is happy to drive our children to visit mum so she doesn’t have to drive here and collect them!
Road transport statistics. Roads are getting safer, elderly drivers much more slowly. Look at the decreasing gap between miles driven and accident level per age bracket, add in blackspot area and your dh can fuck right off. There is no way there are that many major injuries in whatever sport your children play.
assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/706517/older-car-drivers-factsheet.pdf

Whocutdownthecherrytree · 21/10/2020 02:48

It’s not the same risk as their sports. She’s at a high risk of an accident. The small car increases the risk. My mum is 70 and a terrible driver. I refuse to let her drive my DD on any roadside above 60

Kalula · 21/10/2020 03:27

Your DH is being extremely selfish in expecting an elderly woman to drive 3 hours here and 3 hours back. He should be wanting to OFFER to drive them. And it's not about statistics, why add unnecessary risks? Her terrible driving increases the risk. He needs to be told in no uncertain terms that he is way out of line and is being irresponsible. Ask him how he'd feel if your children were killed, or doesn't he care? We are not talking about a sport where you could get a broken leg, we're talking about a fast moving lethal chunk of metal potentially crashing with another lethal chunk of metal and the inertia/reaction. Not to mention car maybe bursting into flames.

Does your MIL know how bad a driver she is?

Coffeecak3 · 21/10/2020 03:35

Well I'm 'only' 63 and I would be delighted if my dil did the drive instead.

Also jerky driving is horribly sick making. My df was always a jerky driver. I stopped my dd being a passenger with df 20 years ago when we were following his car and he cut up a 4x4 on a roundabout.

makingmammaries · 21/10/2020 03:52

There’s no way I would send my kids with an unsafe driver just to keep someone happy. If my DH tried that I’d be cancelling the kids’ trip entirely. If he is losing sleep over this issue he needs to get out more.

weepingwillow22 · 21/10/2020 03:53

YANBU. If it was my DH he would be offering to drive the children both out of concern for them and for his mother (who is a similar age) having to do such a long trip.

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