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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting MIL to drive children 3hrs

157 replies

fourlegstwolegs · 20/10/2020 20:59

DH wants children to stay with MIL for a few days. I have no problem with this at all, she is great with them and they love her.
HOWEVER - she lives almost 3hr away, her car is small, she isn't a great driver and she's elderly. Plus the roads between here and there are notorious for horrific fatal crashes (lorries taking out entire families etc).
I said I had no issue with them staying with her, but that I'd drive them there myself and then pick them up again a few days later. I have a bigger, safer car, I am a much better driver (professional driving qualifications) and it makes me feel more comfortable with the risk if I am managing it myself.
DH had a fit. He thinks it's a personal insult against his mother (it is not, it's just fact) and says I am not being rational because the children do sporting activities that carry more risk (he's into statistics) and that if I am prepared to let them do XYZ activities I should let her drive them 3hr each way. He's blown a small issue into a massive deal and won't drop it. Has been bringing it up repeatedly for almost two weeks, is claiming that it's causing him sleepless nights etc, and that he cannot accept my "stance". It's exhausting and I just want him to move on! AIBU?

OP posts:
seayork2020 · 21/10/2020 08:52

The elder discrimination thread on here reminds me of this thread, my dad is on his 70's and still drives daily for a living, I know quite a few older drivers who are perfectly capable of driving safely and plenty of unsafe younger drivers.

But of course MILs are always wrong

iguanadonna · 21/10/2020 08:52

You've offered to spend 12 hours driving so that your children can spend time with your DH's mother. You've offered safer and more comfortable journeys. You're trying to spare her two very long drives. And he's having a fit about it. YANBU.

dottiedodah · 21/10/2020 09:00

Sunny Days Oh I see! I dont use a cushion anyway ,didnt realise MIL using her glasses! Best not to let them drive DC as you say .We had problems with FIL not wanting to give up driving in his 80s!

FTMF30 · 21/10/2020 09:03

@seayork2020 This isn't about elder discrimination. OP doesn't feel comfortable with someone who she has seen to be a poor driver, driving her kids on a 6hr journey.
The scenario could have been discomfort ather 20yp niece taking her kids. If the person was abad driver with an unsafe car, I'm sure the concern would still apply.

midnightstar66 · 21/10/2020 09:03

It's not really elderly discrimination- I find 6 hours of driving more tiring now at 40 than I did at 25, in certain bar 70 it will be more so. I doubt I'm alone either.

Angelina82 · 21/10/2020 09:06

I clicked on YABU by mistake OP. You’re not but your husband is massively. You being helpful and caring is giving him sleepless nights? Seriously? He sounds a bit (lot) of a twat seriously hard work. Don’t back down to him. I’m sure your MIL and your kids will appreciate you driving them even if he doesn’t.

Doubletrouble99 · 21/10/2020 09:31

I think some compromise is needed here. What if you meet half way, or at least did the really tricky bit and handed them over to Mil then.

LonelyFromCorona · 21/10/2020 09:40

Seems like an odd reaction from DH.

Why does he care if you will be the one doing the driving? I assume you aren't asking him to sit in the car with you?

Does he, ultimately, pay for the petrol? That might be the issue. If so, petty. Surely worth a bit of petrol money for a few days break from the kids.

Florencex · 21/10/2020 09:43

He is being a big baby with the sleepless nights and by going on about this over two weeks later. But I think you could have used more tact and simply said that you were happy to drive them up. There was no need for comments about age and driving, if she were that bad a driver she presumably would have a track record of driving incidents.

FTMF30 · 21/10/2020 09:43

@Doubletrouble99

I think some compromise is needed here. What if you meet half way, or at least did the really tricky bit and handed them over to Mil then.
I think the MIL might need brining into this. She might be delighted to not have to drive 6hrs and was only willing to do so as a means to an end (getting to see her gc).

It seems to be the DH being the problem. Perhaps he had some kind of surprise planned and OP going to drive somewhere for 6hrs would ruin it. That's the only rational explanation I can find for his reaction.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 21/10/2020 09:48

What the hell kind of dangerous sport do these kids do which is statistically worse than driving with an unsafe driver on a notorious stretch of road? Base jumping maybe?

You're saving his mother two six hour round trips, even if she was a very safe driver I think it would be the polite thing to do to drop them off when she's so nice as to have them for a few days.

Tolleshunt · 21/10/2020 09:52

I’m scratching my head to work out why your DH is having ‘sleepless nights’ Hmm two weeks in about a journey he won’t be part of.

What’s wrong with him? He won’t have to do the drive. Your MIL gets to swerve a 6 hour journey (which would knacker me and I’m only mid 50s). So what’s his beef? It seems like he’s offended you’ve made a different risk calculation to him and aren’t capitulating and saying he’s right and doing what he says, and that this is now more important to him than the actual issue which, in reality, is no skin off his nose whatsoever.

I just don’t understand why he’s dying in a ditch and causing so much conflict over this. What does he gain from you giving in and doing it the way he wants? Is he usually this rigid and lacking in compromise? He also seems lacking in empathy if he can’t feel happy to let you drive so that you feel happy and less anxious.

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 21/10/2020 09:53

My MIL (70+) is a perfectly fine driver, and only lived half an hour from us, and I'd still say that I'd drive my kids to and from her, because if she's doing the favour of looking after them for me, the least I can do is deliver them and pick them up!

These days she lives much further away, and we're offering to go and get her for Christmas, not because she couldn't drive it, but because it's a long way, she'd be all alone in the car, and we don't mind doing it - just like we'd pick her up from the airport if she flew, even though she could just as easily get a taxi. DS1 (9 years old) immediately stepped forward and took her bag too, because manners.

TLDR - 12 hours of driving so she can babysit is above and beyond, you offering to do the 12 hours instead is both polite, and kind - driving concerns don't even factor in in my opinion.

Original poster
fourlegstwolegs · 21/10/2020 09:58

@alexdgr8

? maybe he cannot accept that his mother is getting older. why don't you all drive up there together, deliver children to GM for few days and you and husband peel off to a hotel for time apart. good luck.
That's literally what we are doing. Everyone wins (but he is still ranting about it)
OP posts:
MaxNormal · 21/10/2020 09:59

Oh my goodness he's a big drama queen, isn't he?

I totally get where you're coming from. MIL in her seventies is still an excellent driver but FIL is getting a bit flaky - he leaves his indicator on all the time (deaf) and nearly ran some people over in a supermarket car park and didn't notice. It happens, unfortunately. I can totally see why you'd not want your children to be driven that distance on a dangerous road by MIL. And as others have said, it's quite an unfair ask of her anyway, she'll be shattered for most of the visit if she does that.

Original poster
fourlegstwolegs · 21/10/2020 10:12

For balance, I also don't let my own mother drive them other than on very local roads for very short distances (she's the same age as MIL).
Yes DH is a tricky personality and does lack empathy. He doesn't think "feelings" have any relevance in decisions and everything should be fact based/backed up with data.

OP posts:
Tolleshunt · 21/10/2020 10:38

He doesn't think "feelings" have any relevance in decisions and everything should be fact based/backed up with data

Yeah, I was getting that vibe. The trouble is, he isn’t as competent in using stats as he thinks he is. A pp pointed out the problem with using general stats and applying them to the particular. In this case he has no stats whatsoever that show the exact risk calculation for that particular driver, in that particular car, with the particular weather conditions at that time on the particular road.

And additionally, he’s not factoring in the fact there’s a much less risky option, so it’s completely lacking in sense to plump for the riskier one when there’s a better option.

When risk calculations are made, it’s necessary to work out not only the likelihood of an event happening, but the severity of the event if it does. Often, even if something isn’t very highly likely to happen, it’s still good practice to take measures to mitigate the chances of it happening, because if the risk does crystallise, the impact will be grave. As is the case here. I say this as somebody who used to manage a large risk team for a government body. You’re welcome to pass on my professional opinion to help him reorder his thoughts in the light of new information (as feelings are not worth anything to him) Wink

Tolleshunt · 21/10/2020 10:39

Also, as somebody who doesn’t think feelings should have a place in decision making, it’s very odd that he’s allowing his own feelings on this to create such conflict and preoccupy his own mind for so long. How does he justify this?

babygroups · 21/10/2020 10:55

He doesn't think "feelings" have any relevance in decisions and everything should be fact based/backed up with data

He is actually letting his feelings make this decision, there is a less risky option available. He's just telling you that it's your feelings that don't have any relevance in this decision, his feelings are the decision maker. He's just doing a good job of making you feel irrational about it.

timeisnotaline · 21/10/2020 11:44

But but but he’s shitty at data! Tell him to stop it or he’s not getting in the car with you, you will just tell his mum he is incensed you didn’t make her do the drive and you couldn’t bear the car trip with him.

MaxNormal · 21/10/2020 11:49

He doesn't think "feelings" have any relevance in decisions and everything should be fact based/backed up with data.

He'll be influenced by his feelings as much as the next person when it comes to decision making, he's just concocted some reason why he's always right.
He is clearly not free of being influenced by feelings anyway, with his sleepless night and dramatics.

Teirsforfears · 21/10/2020 12:32

@fourlegstwolegs why is he still going in about it? He seems exhausting. Are you sure you don’t need a break from him too!

KarmaStar · 21/10/2020 13:08

Ring mil and ask her if it's ok for you to drop off and collect op.
She will probably be extremely grateful.
Your dh seems the one with the problem.sort it between the two of you and tell him he should be happy his mum hasn't got a six hour drive to do.

ZarkingBell · 21/10/2020 14:28

I don't let my father drive my kids. He doesn't know. He scared me shitless in the car when I was a child and his driving has got worse. He was bad at thirty and is a liability at eighty.

googlilocks · 21/10/2020 16:16

You are definitely not being unreasonable - trust your instincts on this one.