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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not wanting MIL to drive children 3hrs

157 replies

fourlegstwolegs · 20/10/2020 20:59

DH wants children to stay with MIL for a few days. I have no problem with this at all, she is great with them and they love her.
HOWEVER - she lives almost 3hr away, her car is small, she isn't a great driver and she's elderly. Plus the roads between here and there are notorious for horrific fatal crashes (lorries taking out entire families etc).
I said I had no issue with them staying with her, but that I'd drive them there myself and then pick them up again a few days later. I have a bigger, safer car, I am a much better driver (professional driving qualifications) and it makes me feel more comfortable with the risk if I am managing it myself.
DH had a fit. He thinks it's a personal insult against his mother (it is not, it's just fact) and says I am not being rational because the children do sporting activities that carry more risk (he's into statistics) and that if I am prepared to let them do XYZ activities I should let her drive them 3hr each way. He's blown a small issue into a massive deal and won't drop it. Has been bringing it up repeatedly for almost two weeks, is claiming that it's causing him sleepless nights etc, and that he cannot accept my "stance". It's exhausting and I just want him to move on! AIBU?

OP posts:
Notmydaughteryoubitch · 21/10/2020 07:47

I wouldn't allow either of my parents to drive my DD that far. My dad drives too fast and my mum far too slow (like dangerously slow). I'm ok with my mum driving my daughter around town but would be really uncomfortable about her driving on a motorway. Thankfully my parents would always be thankful if I drove a long distance rather than them & my DH isn't an arse.

Indoctro · 21/10/2020 07:49

Why would he want his poor mother do to a 6 hour trip..??

That's really rude, you should absolutely drop the children off at her if she is looking after them.

He is being a dick

FreshHorizons · 21/10/2020 07:50

I wouldn’t discuss it - just drive them.

babygroups · 21/10/2020 07:52

I don't understand why he would want his 70yo mother to do all of that driving to look after his kids anyway. He's getting a couple of nights 'off' the least he can do is offer to drive them!

As a pp said I too remember hating being in the car with my grandpa, he wasn't a good driver

Holeinthehouse · 21/10/2020 07:58

Why don’t you arrange with his mum to meet her half way.

You can always give her a half way point which is much closer to her side than your side and would mean she was only doing a 1 hour journey each way. You could always have a coffee at the meet up point to allow for a break in the driving.

HappilyHoppily · 21/10/2020 07:58

As others have said, sounds like this is him trying to ignore the fact that his mum is getting older. I’ve got a difficult conversation with my brother looming, that he has to accept our parents are getting older, and his requests of them are now unreasonable, when they were previously ok. But a six hour round trip (or even just a three hour drive) is a long way for anyone, irrelevant of age! What’s happened before if they’ve visited her?

Wavey123 · 21/10/2020 07:58

If she’s already a jumpy driver, add kids in the back who will be excited, walking to talk to her and taking her concentration away from the road then I’m totally with you on this one

Lipz · 21/10/2020 08:00

She's in her 70s, not a great driver, kids get travel sickness with her, it's 6 hours of driving.... That'd be a no from me. While lots of people in their 70s are fit and healthy and very active, there isn't an actual physical way of improving reaction time or eye sight or tiredness of someone in their 70s.

You need to point this out to your dh, he's on the defensive as he doesn't want to think of his mother like this, he only wants to see her as a abled bodied which is perfectly normal, but he needs to understand these things.

Ask him how she would feel driving that distance without getting tired, most people of younger age would get tired, this alone affects your whole thinking process and reaction time. What happens if one starts vomiting, what would your mil do? Keep driving to a safe space? How far would the next safe space be? What if there's fighting in the back, god I use to get so distracted at this, always had to pull over when the screaming started, it's just not safe to continue driving and you say it's a dangerous road, so she'll be navigating a busy road, and possibly vomiting and or fighting children all while tired.

It's just not worth it, these are your children, there's no replacing them, if anything happens it's you that has to live with it. I would not give a flying fuck who thinks what, I'd be putting my concerns forward and I would fight this decision. I bet your mil would be delighted to let you drive, she can do a shorter drive with them when they are there, like going to the shops or wherever. I know your dh has a say too but we're talking safety and lives here, it's much more of a serious decision. Of course everything could go very smoothly but why take a chance on something that has a high risk of not going smoothly, out of fear of upsetting someone's feelings.

billy1966 · 21/10/2020 08:06

OP,
He sounds mentally deranged and needs to sort himself out.

Definitely not normal behaviour.

This doesn't sound like an isolated incident.

No way would I be allowing my children in that car and no way would I put such a huge journey on a bad road on a woman in her 70's.

In my 50's here and I wouldn't fancy it.

He sounds really awful. Such drama and upset.

Protect yourself OP.

Flowers
ReallySpicyCurry · 21/10/2020 08:07

YANBU. There are a few people in our family who have a less than wonderful grasp of small childre and and road safety, and I have absolutely vetoed the DC ever being in their car. DH knows this and I have pointed out exactly what the issues are, exactly what is likely to happen to small children in the event of a collision, and exactly why it'll be on his head if he chooses to allow the children to travel with these relatives anyway.

Also, a three hour trip - in my family, the onus would be on the parents to bring the children to MIL, as a nod to the fact that she is providing days of childcare and shouldn't be inconvenienced

Quartz2208 · 21/10/2020 08:09

WHy on earth are you sending 3 children 3 hours away to stay with an over 70 at this time. it is utter madness.

Coupled with the fact he wants his mother to drive 6 hours is awful and he is being selfish not a personal insult at all.

Honeyandapple · 21/10/2020 08:12

With you all the way on this one OP.
You are right to put the kids safety before possibly causing offence. Thought I'm sure she will be relieved to get out of doing the long journeys.

Maybe he just doesn't want to see his mother thought of as anything less than perfect! But more likely some kind of emotional blackmail or situation control going on with him (red flags) v

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 21/10/2020 08:13

He sounds rather strange , why is he still going on about it after 2 weeks
Dont back down it's a parents job to assess risks and keep their kids safe .
Call his mum and tell her you are doing the driving, to save her feelings could you say there is something you need to do in her area so that you'll be going there anyway ?
I think the MIL is a red herring , your dh sounds odd

Honeyandapple · 21/10/2020 08:14

Also agree with above. They should probably not be going to stay with someone elderly and far away at this time.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 21/10/2020 08:16

Oh and tell him to stick his statistics up his arse, hes trying to manipulate you and clearly doesnt care about the safety of his kids - he'd rather ' win ' an argument.

LannieDuck · 21/10/2020 08:23

Does it really affect him? It's not like you're asking him to make a 6-hr round trip.

The only way it might impact on him is if his mother gets offended, and the only way that would happen is if he pushes that narrative. Otherwise it's easy to sell it as you doing her a favour by not making her drive a 6-hr round trip.

FreshHorizons · 21/10/2020 08:24

That is why I wouldn’t discuss it - you are the one doing the driving.

myhobbyisouting · 21/10/2020 08:30

So he can't handle the fact you've said no and wants his mother to drive for 12 hours just so he can be right when no harm comes to them.

I seriously doubt there's a 3 hour long dual carriage way that is notorious for wiping out cars but you're not happy so put your foot down. To be honest it seems unnecessary at the moment anyway, anything could happen, are you both in tier 1 areas? That can soon change and would just result in hassle

MoonJelly · 21/10/2020 08:38

Has been bringing it up repeatedly for almost two weeks, is claiming that it's causing him sleepless nights etc, and that he cannot accept my "stance". It's exhausting and I just want him to move on!

Tell him to do just that because it's not up for discussion.

dottiedodah · 21/10/2020 08:38

Do you think he is having difficulty thinking of her as an"Older Driver"? Most of us still like to think of our parents as capable, even when they are getting on a bit! As another PP said above ,could you meet them halfway possibly ? What about catching the train with them (later in the day obv when quieter due to Covid) People have accidents sadly at any age! Often older Drivers are more careful as well .Can you suggest a different route maybe .DH seems a bit overinvested I must say .Maybe just offer to drive them there and arrange to pick them up with a day out at NT or similar on way home .I am in my 50s, and am only too happy for someone else to drive. Would be well pleased if I were your MIL!

Branches1 · 21/10/2020 08:43

I have been in the same exact situation. Otherwise fit and healthy MIL who has been driving her entire life but I still feel really worried about letting her drive my children.

DH is very annoyed by this but aside from my gut feeling I have at least one fact on my side: she once pressed the gas instead of the brake when she was parking and as a result went down a small hill with her car.

dottiedodah · 21/10/2020 08:48

SunnyDaysStillHere I am 5 feet 0 and drive a 2.0 family car! Hopefully my height doesnt impair my driving.Also wear glasses too!

Sunnydaysstillhere · 21/10/2020 08:50

Using a cushion is illegal... And it was mil wearing HER specs to help fil do the driving!!

Di11y · 21/10/2020 08:51

Goodness just think how much worse her driving will be having just completed 3 hours. And she'll presumably have to have a long break at yours before she's ready to go again.

Branches1 · 21/10/2020 08:51

And I agree with previous posters re how distracting kids can be, it is a very valid point! I would speak with MIL and really highlight this, I would place the 'blame' on the kids and make it very clear that your kids are being particularly tricky in the car these days, fighting and screaming etc. That way she won't feel that you are criticising her driving, if that's been a concern for your DH.

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