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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset with professionals for revealing baby’s sex

200 replies

LittleDog92 · 20/10/2020 14:50

I have managed to get to 33 weeks without finding out the sex of my baby. My partner and I were really looking forward to it being a surprise, and we had hoped that he could announce the sex when they are born.

However, I had a routine scan yesterday and the sonographer seemed to slip up and say it was a boy. I had said at the beginning of the scan that I didn’t want to find out (especially seeing as my partner hasn’t been to a single scan, so wouldn’t want to find out without him there). She was a really lovely sonographer, but part way through she seemed to accidentally slip up and used ‘he’. I think she realised, as her sentence trailed off and she sort of mumbled sorry. Neither of us acknowledged what she had just said.

After the scan I told my partner that I thought I knew the sex, but wouldn’t tell him unless he wanted me to. As of today, he still hasn’t decided whether he wants to know. I completely understand that he might want it to be a surprise, and we have joked that we will likely not make it to the baby being born without him finding out!

Fast forward to just now. I had a call from a consultant (I’m having extra scans and consultant-led care because of raised BP). The call lasted all of two minutes, him asking me nothing about my blood pressure or physical health, but he did say ‘and you’re having a little boy?’, to which I replied ‘I don’t know, I’m not finding out’. He didn’t respond to this and just moved on.

I am so happy that I am due a healthy baby, and I know that this is not a big deal, but I feel gutted that two people have told me the sex of my baby against my wishes. I would never dream of making a formal complaint, but would it be unreasonable to mention what happened? At the moment I think I’m still reeling from finding out, and just feel like opting out of consultant-led care. My baby has been fine the whole way along, and I just feel angry that these extra interventions have contributed to me finding out the sex without my wanting to!

Sorry for the rant!

OP posts:
Starksforthewin · 23/10/2020 16:04

[quote LavaCake]@Starksforthewin I picked on your post specifically because you said ‘You would be entitled to be ‘reeling’ OP if you’d suffered the devastating experience of Strewlish’. If you had indeed read the OP’s post about how she suffered a pregnancy loss, why would you ever make a comment like that?

You can talk to me about sanctimony and embarrassing fails when your not lecturing a woman who has experienced pregnancy loss about pregnancy loss.[/quote]
So tiresome, but here we go;

  1. ‘Posting’ does not equal ‘lecturing’.
  2. Your comprehension skills seem a bit ‘off’.
  3. I stopped counting, but at least a dozen posters after me continued to disagree/berate/lecture (you choose which verb suits your drama most effectively) beyond her revealing she had lost a pregnancy. I think that was about number four or five of OPs posts, well after she would have seen which way the thread was going and that people were not agreeing that she should be ‘reeling’ or ‘gutted’.

Now, clearly, she can feel whatever she likes about anything, as can anyone. However, if you post AIBU then you can expect some pretty robust responses.
Similarly, you can attempt to place my post above all of the others disagreeing with the OP, but don’t expect anyone with more than basic intelligence to accept your argument.

So that’s your second failed justification. Want to go for the hat trick? Or maybe just offer your ten pence worth to the OP and don’t address me again? That’s the polite version.

LavaCake · 23/10/2020 16:55

@Starksforthewin

1. ‘Posting’ does not equal ‘lecturing’.

I beg your pardon. Please pretend I said something more suitable. You weren’t lecturing the OP, you were merely dismissing her previous experience of pregnancy loss so you could criticise her for feeling said about an issue you deem trivial. Which is, of course, much better.

2. Your comprehension skills seem a bit ‘off’.

And yet you’re the poster who said ‘if you’d suffered the devastating experience of Strewlish’ to a woman who has, in fact, suffered that devastating experience. What do you think that suggests about your own comprehension skills?

3. I stopped counting, but at least a dozen posters after me continued to disagree/berate/lecture (you choose which verb suits your drama most effectively) beyond her revealing she had lost a pregnancy. I think that was about number four or five of OPs posts, well after she would have seen which way the thread was going and that people were not agreeing that she should be ‘reeling’ or ‘gutted’.

Your point here is entirely unclear. Are you suggesting OP’s pregnancy loss is to be treated less sympathetically because she didn’t mention it in her opening post?

Now, clearly, she can feel whatever she likes about anything, as can anyone.

Clearly not, since she has been criticised so viciously for having these feelings.

However, if you post AIBU then you can expect some pretty robust responses.

Yes. Hardly a credit to AIBU that the tone of it is so unpleasant, but I can’t disagree with you on this.

Similarly, you can attempt to place my post above all of the others disagreeing with the OP, but don’t expect anyone with more than basic intelligence to accept your argument.

What argument?

I’m not obliged to respond to every poster. The reason I picked up on your post in particular is because of the particular insensitivity of your not acknowledging OP’s own pregnancy loss and suggesting that she might feel differently had she had that experience, despite (apparently) knowing that she had.

I can see that you’re really peeved that I’m responding to you specifically and not other posters who also don’t think OP deserves any sympathy, but you must understand that on a forum like this people have complete freedom to respond to what they like. I found your post particularly ill-informed and unkind, so it was you in particular to whom I responded.

So that’s your second failed justification. Want to go for the hat trick? Or maybe just offer your ten pence worth to the OP and don’t address me again? That’s the polite version.

This made me laugh, so thank you for that. I have a delightful mental image of you as some grand duchess refusing to be addressed by someone so lowly as I. Perhaps you’re the stately Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and I’m insolent, ill-mannered Lizzy Bennet. Sadly for you, I’m not polite enough to ignore you. In comparing my ‘crime’ of responding to your posts when you’ve told me off for doing so with your refusal to accept the reality of a woman’s pregnancy loss because it doesn’t fit with the narrative you’ve constructed to justify your criticism of her, I can’t help but feel that I come off better.

Seagrassorchid · 23/10/2020 16:59

From somebody who found out one and not the other I can promise you that it is just as special both times and it wouldn’t have made a difference to the moment if I’d found out what the second was.

The surprise is seeing this gorgeous baby and seeing what they look like. It really made no difference and to be honest I didn’t really care what baby was I was just so happy.

Completely understand you’re disappointed but I can promise you it will be just as exciting as surprising when your baby arrives.

KarmaStar · 23/10/2020 17:25

A healthy baby boy,lovingly looked forward to.
Many people would give anything for this.
Great healthcare and support.
But still not happy.
Op count yourself lucky and count your positives and enjoy them.

Skysblue · 23/10/2020 18:14

Just for fun...

Imagine that you’re a vet and you’re tired and in the middle of a busy day at work. Your next appointment walks in. It is a woman wearing a blindfold and carrying a cat. She says “Please can you check over my animal and tell me everything about it but please don’t mention to me if it’s a dog or a cat, I don’t want to know yet.”

Bit annoying, eh? Bit of a tricky extra thing to remember throughout the conversation? Teeny bit of an unreasonable request given your job is to check the health of the animal not facilitate some kind of exciting surprise for its owner?

Also watch the Friends episode The One Where Chandler Takes A Bath, it has a similar plot line lol

roarfeckingroarr · 23/10/2020 18:15

You're having a healthy baby. Concentrate on that.

Starksforthewin · 23/10/2020 18:48

Lava Cake

You don’t, but I’m taking this off thread now so you don’t continue to bore everyone else.
Check your messages.

LavaCake · 23/10/2020 19:06

@Starksforthewin

Why, have you started harassing me there instead? Sorry to have put such a bee in your bonnet my lady...

RoseGoldEagle · 23/10/2020 19:18

I had a scan at around 38 weeks as they thought the baby was breach, we hadn’t found out the sex. At one point the ultrasonographer referred to ‘his leg’. I was gutted that I’d got so far without knowing and then found out without DH being there! (Not gutted to be having a boy obviously I was just looking forward to finding out after the birth). I decided not to mention it at all to DH so he’s have the surprise. So when DD popped out a few weeks later it was me that was the most surprised!!

Mimitoo · 23/10/2020 19:24

When pregnant with my daughter, we tried to not find out and the sonographer slipped up at an extra scan we had taken my son to. She spoke to my son and asked if he was excited about 'getting a baby sister...I mean sibling!'. We all pretended we hadn't noticed, even though we all knew what she said. I think that was more awkward than her accidentally revealing tbh.

I wasn't annoyed. Her job was to check my daughter was healthy, and that's what she did. It was a simple mistake, not a malicious one. They work hard and I think you are thinking too much about it. Be happy that you are having a healthy baby and the professionals are doing what they should be doing ... concentrating on your baby's health and growth.

Wimbledon1983 · 23/10/2020 19:35

I would be annoyed yes but to opt out of consultant led care because of that is ridiculous and quite selfish.

Macncheeseballs · 23/10/2020 19:40

I would be really annoyed, finding out at the birth is one of the best things!

Wimbledon1983 · 23/10/2020 19:43

I agree re making a complaint about the Sonographer though.

Our baby had an obvious heart defect which the scanner noticed but didn’t refer to her superior. Scans delayed until 27 weeks. Amnio showing genetic problems got a result at 30 weeks. And I havent yet complained because I know hcps are overworked and underpaid.

Generally things like ‘gender disappointment’ make me mad after my experiences, though I can understand if I hadn’t been through all this I wouldn’t. Sympathies to the pps who have also been through traumatic scans, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone

Thehobbit2013 · 23/10/2020 19:54

I thought the sonographer had let slip with me as she used the word he and the corrected herself to baby. I was gutted as I really wanted a suprise. Turns out she didnt let slip at all as I had a girl. Maybe the same happened for you. As for the consultant as a previous poster has said it is unlikely to be documented so he may have guessed.

RIPworkingmums · 23/10/2020 20:52

When I was pregnant both the sonographer and a midwife referred to my baby as ‘she’. I was gutted as it was my third and final pregnancy and I really didn’t want to know. I purchased some dresses and pink sheets etc as I was so convinced they’d slipped up. As it happens, it was a boy! It does sound as though they’ve slipped up and told you but you never know.

Eryouwhat · 23/10/2020 21:23

Update us in seven weeks with what it is!

Beachmum23 · 23/10/2020 21:35

Personally I would complain. I didn't want to know with my daughter but two people let it slip. I didn't pick up at the time as they covered it.

KitKatastrophe · 23/10/2020 21:39

Whether they like sleeping on their back or front (the constantly changing medical advice will not always align with their preference)

The "constantly changing advice" has been the same since 1990 👍

RoseGoldEagle · 25/10/2020 13:00

Over on the pregnancy boards, when someone posts a scan picture at 12 weeks and asks for guesses, along with the genuine responses are the inevitable ‘why do you care so much, why are you even finding out before the birth, why can nothing be a SURPRISE any more?!’ (And, is course, woe betide anyone who mentions gender instead of sex). Here where the OP didn’t want to know, she gets ‘for goodness sake how SELFISH of you for expecting health care professionals to remember/find out that you didn’t want to know your baby’s sex, how ridiculous not to just find out as and when someone fancies telling you, or not.’

You are entitled to feel a bit disappointed OP! Though as previous posters have said, I’m not convinced you are having a boy from what you’ve said!

GrumpyHoonMain · 25/10/2020 13:13

Try and move past it if possible. Don’t let it ruin the rest of your pregnancy. These things happen though

MadameBlobby · 25/10/2020 13:21

I can understand you being annoyed, I would be too, but like you wouldn’t complain or take it further. We didn’t want to know the sex of either of ours, first time I had an amnio and asked the consultant to read the letter we got sent with the result in case it told us and second time I had a scan at 36 weeks and he told me to look away in case it was obvious. I’d have been a bit gutted too to have resisted temptation to find out and then been told anyway so near the end. I know it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things and people make mistakes but equally I don’t think you are U to be annoyed

Ojj37 · 25/10/2020 13:44

It’s such a trivial piece of information. Focus on the healthy baby part.

Elizaaa · 25/10/2020 13:54

I think you are being VERY unreasonable.

Be glad you don't have a real problem to worry about.

Georgeoftheinternet · 25/10/2020 15:06

I guess it’s either going to be a boy or girl so it’s not too much of a surprise. Still, pre scans no one knew, I wonder if people were happy not knowing

Watermelon999 · 25/10/2020 15:40

@Thehobbit2013

I thought the sonographer had let slip with me as she used the word he and the corrected herself to baby. I was gutted as I really wanted a suprise. Turns out she didnt let slip at all as I had a girl. Maybe the same happened for you. As for the consultant as a previous poster has said it is unlikely to be documented so he may have guessed.
Same thing happened to me @Thehobbit2013
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