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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with professionals for revealing baby’s sex

200 replies

LittleDog92 · 20/10/2020 14:50

I have managed to get to 33 weeks without finding out the sex of my baby. My partner and I were really looking forward to it being a surprise, and we had hoped that he could announce the sex when they are born.

However, I had a routine scan yesterday and the sonographer seemed to slip up and say it was a boy. I had said at the beginning of the scan that I didn’t want to find out (especially seeing as my partner hasn’t been to a single scan, so wouldn’t want to find out without him there). She was a really lovely sonographer, but part way through she seemed to accidentally slip up and used ‘he’. I think she realised, as her sentence trailed off and she sort of mumbled sorry. Neither of us acknowledged what she had just said.

After the scan I told my partner that I thought I knew the sex, but wouldn’t tell him unless he wanted me to. As of today, he still hasn’t decided whether he wants to know. I completely understand that he might want it to be a surprise, and we have joked that we will likely not make it to the baby being born without him finding out!

Fast forward to just now. I had a call from a consultant (I’m having extra scans and consultant-led care because of raised BP). The call lasted all of two minutes, him asking me nothing about my blood pressure or physical health, but he did say ‘and you’re having a little boy?’, to which I replied ‘I don’t know, I’m not finding out’. He didn’t respond to this and just moved on.

I am so happy that I am due a healthy baby, and I know that this is not a big deal, but I feel gutted that two people have told me the sex of my baby against my wishes. I would never dream of making a formal complaint, but would it be unreasonable to mention what happened? At the moment I think I’m still reeling from finding out, and just feel like opting out of consultant-led care. My baby has been fine the whole way along, and I just feel angry that these extra interventions have contributed to me finding out the sex without my wanting to!

Sorry for the rant!

OP posts:
MilkandWater · 20/10/2020 16:04

Honestly, OP, you're being ridiculous. It was going to be either a girl or a boy. Neither is that surprising a result. And you can't expect medical professionals who are focused on the health of you and your baby to tiptoe around your minor personal preferences.

@Scweltish Flowers

AintOverUntilTheCatLadySings · 20/10/2020 16:04

Every scan I've had the sonographer etc has said at the start "I call all babies he" or the opposite so that they don't accidentally reveal the presumed sex. So they might not have revealed anything.

Seaswims · 20/10/2020 16:07

Oh OP, you have every right to feel frustrated and annoyed. At my 20 week scan the sonographer said 'and this is Her spine'. It just wasn't how we wanted to find out. We pretended we hadn't heard. Fast forward to the birth and we had a humongous bouncing baby BOY!! It's strange the consultant also said it on the phonecall, I didn't think they noted the sex down unless the parents have asked to find out the gender. Anyway, you're healthy, baby is healthy and once he ir she is here all this will be forgotten! Try not to put anymore energy into it Flowers

Aspergallus · 20/10/2020 16:07

Knowing the sex/not knowing the sex are icing on the cake issues.

The NHS doesn’t do icing on the cake. It does basic, necessary health care delivered by underpaid, overworked individuals who are (rightly) more concerned with looking for abnormalities in your baby’s entire body, abnormalities in your uterus and it’s blood supply, the placenta and your cervix to ensure you have the healthiest pregnancy and birth outcome possible.

The pregnancy industry gives people false expectations...this is where you should direct your annoyance, not at the professionals doing their jobs. You were never actually entitled to this sex “surprise” no matter what you felt led to believe.

Would you really want professionals involved in your care diverting their energy trying to keep up with “does this one know, want to know? Have I mentioned it? Argh!”

The idea of being entitled to various experiences in pregnancy comes from outside of healthcare and is just that, an idea. People come for the 20 week anomoly scan (timed to look at the vital organs and their development, a time when many people receive terrible life changing news) calling it a gender scan. They arrive with a plan for a “birth experience” rather than recognising that it’s the most dangerous time in their child’s life and focussing on that instead...like planning for a wedding rather than a marriage (though lots of people do that too).

Think about where your expectations were raised before you express your annoyance. I’d put good money on you never having had any promises made (or broken) by the HCPs involved in this.

EmilySpinach · 20/10/2020 16:07

I mean this very kindly, OP, and I understand why you are a bit upset, but adjusting to pregnancy, birth, and parenthood is one long process of accepting just how much there is in life which we cannot control, and this is really hard if up to that point you've been able to exert a reasonable amount of control over your daily life.

You have options. As PP have said, sonographers often use 'he' as a neutral term, and it's unlikely that the sonographer will have recorded any opinion of your baby's sex on your notes. If you decide that you want to find out for sure then you could book a private scan which your partner could attend with you so that you can find out together.

LyingDogsLie1 · 20/10/2020 16:08

Exactly the same thing happened to me at my 20wk scan. I was disappointed too.

Leimarel · 20/10/2020 16:09

I had a scan at 38 weeks, baby had been breech, the obstetrician did the scan himself and told me I had a healthy boy just getting ready to be born. 10 days later I delivered a beautiful baby daughter. My older son (3 at the time) wasn't impressed when I came home with a sister and not his promised brother. He got over it.

You might still get a surprise when your baby is born.

StuckInTheMiddleAndBoo · 20/10/2020 16:09

The consultant was probably just making conversation. My midwife made the same comment to me because she thought I'd said it was a boy in a prior appointment- in reality I didn't know and she'd confused me with someone else.

MilkandWater · 20/10/2020 16:13

@Aspergallus

Knowing the sex/not knowing the sex are icing on the cake issues.

The NHS doesn’t do icing on the cake. It does basic, necessary health care delivered by underpaid, overworked individuals who are (rightly) more concerned with looking for abnormalities in your baby’s entire body, abnormalities in your uterus and it’s blood supply, the placenta and your cervix to ensure you have the healthiest pregnancy and birth outcome possible.

The pregnancy industry gives people false expectations...this is where you should direct your annoyance, not at the professionals doing their jobs. You were never actually entitled to this sex “surprise” no matter what you felt led to believe.

Would you really want professionals involved in your care diverting their energy trying to keep up with “does this one know, want to know? Have I mentioned it? Argh!”

The idea of being entitled to various experiences in pregnancy comes from outside of healthcare and is just that, an idea. People come for the 20 week anomoly scan (timed to look at the vital organs and their development, a time when many people receive terrible life changing news) calling it a gender scan. They arrive with a plan for a “birth experience” rather than recognising that it’s the most dangerous time in their child’s life and focussing on that instead...like planning for a wedding rather than a marriage (though lots of people do that too).

Think about where your expectations were raised before you express your annoyance. I’d put good money on you never having had any promises made (or broken) by the HCPs involved in this.

Good post.
SadSack39 · 20/10/2020 16:14

Same happened to me.. turned out to be a girl.. think they just try to avoid using 'it' and he is more universal if u get me

2bazookas · 20/10/2020 16:14

I think it would be right to mention it, perhaps suggest they could mark a mother's notes in some way to record their wishes.

   I wouldn't have told DP that slip even happened. Don't spoil his surprise  :-) 
  
    Both of you,  enjoy these  last few weeks , first-baby late pregnancy is a  very special time.
Mizzler · 20/10/2020 16:15

You know what left me reeling after an ultrasound scan? Finding out my baby was dead.

Congratulations on your healthy pregnancy op.

Quaagars · 20/10/2020 16:16

I hear you, I didn't find out until both mine were born - if someone had told me the sex before they were born I'd have been pissed off too, I wanted to keep it a surprise!

Bettina500 · 20/10/2020 16:16

I was shown the sex of my third and last baby, who was going to be my only surprise, at my 20 week scan.
Yes it ruined the surprise but it wasn't the end of the world and I wouldn't have complained.
As others have said sometimes they refer to all babies as 'he' and unless you've had genetic testing I wouldn't have thought a consultant would know or mention the sex as it's not usually recorded at the scans.
Try and forget about it, you don't know for sure and it's got a 50% chance of being right or wrong either way Smile

Amammi · 20/10/2020 16:17

This -
The pregnancy industry gives people false expectations...this is where you should direct your annoyance, not at the professionals doing their jobs. You were never actually entitled to this sex “surprise” no matter what you felt led to believe.

Thank your luck stars you were not told sad news about the health of your baby at the scan and move on.

firstimemamma · 20/10/2020 16:18

Yanbu, we wanted to know with ds but would love a surprise next time and I'd be upset in your shoes too.

Original poster
LittleDog92 · 20/10/2020 16:20

Thanks again for all your messages. It’s definitely interesting hearing from both sides of the opinion divide. In hindsight, I’m sorry if my use of the word ‘reeling’ seemed over the top, especially to anyone who has experienced anything truly awful in their pregnancies. I lost a pregnancy late just under a year ago, and ‘reeling‘ probably applies more to that scenario than this one!

Really, my feelings have just come from a very sudden reveal that I didn’t see coming. I wrote this post about ten minutes after speaking to the consultant, so I was not thinking with 20/20 vision (nor am I yet). I can appreciate now that the professional’s comments may have been completely innocuous, and even if we are having a boy, finding out now vs finding out in a couple of months doesn’t make a huge difference. As a nurse myself, I am sure I’ve dropped some clangers in front of patients!

OP posts:
LavaCake · 20/10/2020 16:20

You are not having twins!

🙄

It is perfectly grammatically correct to use ‘they / them’ of a singular person whose sex is unknown. I expect you do it all the time without noticing:

Person A: the doctor called about my test results?

Person B: what did they say?

Or:

Person A: someone left their umbrella here.
Person B: leave it at the bar, they may come back to collect it.

MagpieSong · 20/10/2020 16:21

I would have been annoyed. I don’t think it’s unreasonable, you asked not to be told. Also, my pregnancy and baby weren’t simple or healthy, but it still would have pissed me off regardless of whether that was the scan when I found out he had kidney problems or not. It makes sense to be feel annoyed when you didn’t want to know. Congratulations, though!

AmyandPhilipfan · 20/10/2020 16:22

I can understand being disappointed. Particularly with the consultant as they explicitly said what it was (although as they asked, maybe they actually don’t know and it was just an odd way to phrase the question of did you know what you’re having?) The sonographer I wouldn’t blame too much. They’re human and it’s easy to slip up with pronouns.

I had extra scans as I had gestational diabetes. I always told them I really didn’t want to know what I was having and they were good at not revealing anything. But at one of the last scans the sonographer, who was lovely, said something along the lines of ‘it won’t be long until she’s born...or he’s born.’ And I knew really then that it was a girl. As I actually secretly quite wanted a girl (I have two older foster sons so quite fancied a change!) I was quite excited at the news rather than upset. I didn’t let myself really believe it though because my husband had been at work and when I told him what she’d said he said he’d heard something similar in a previous scan but referring to ‘he.’ So it was still a nice surprise when I gave birth and she was a girl!

firesong · 20/10/2020 16:22

I had very similar, except the sonographer insisted that she hadn't seen anything and was just saying "he" out of habit as she has sons. I didn't believe her. Anyway, I had a girl. Sounds like yours really slipped up though! That is annoying when you wanted the surprise.

ItsBeyondMe · 20/10/2020 16:25

My consultant asked me if I was having a boy...I said I didn’t know...he said oh right, I’ll just refer to him as a boy...I had a girl.

SunbathingDragon · 20/10/2020 16:25

My hospital always refer to the baby as he and the mother as she. As for your consultant, I’d be amazed if the sex of the baby was on your notes. I’ve had some excessive notes in my pregnancies and at no time, until after birth, has the sex of the baby been included.

Based on what you’ve said, I wouldn’t assume you are having a boy.

Tippexy · 20/10/2020 16:25

The crazy thing is you do not even realise how privileged you are.

And that's what's so galling.

CherryCocktails · 20/10/2020 16:26

For me personally, after a long exhausting birth experience, finding out the sex of the baby was so magical and the best part. I totally understand the ops annoyance.

Op the man on the phone may have just been making conversation tbh..