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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with professionals for revealing baby’s sex

200 replies

LittleDog92 · 20/10/2020 14:50

I have managed to get to 33 weeks without finding out the sex of my baby. My partner and I were really looking forward to it being a surprise, and we had hoped that he could announce the sex when they are born.

However, I had a routine scan yesterday and the sonographer seemed to slip up and say it was a boy. I had said at the beginning of the scan that I didn’t want to find out (especially seeing as my partner hasn’t been to a single scan, so wouldn’t want to find out without him there). She was a really lovely sonographer, but part way through she seemed to accidentally slip up and used ‘he’. I think she realised, as her sentence trailed off and she sort of mumbled sorry. Neither of us acknowledged what she had just said.

After the scan I told my partner that I thought I knew the sex, but wouldn’t tell him unless he wanted me to. As of today, he still hasn’t decided whether he wants to know. I completely understand that he might want it to be a surprise, and we have joked that we will likely not make it to the baby being born without him finding out!

Fast forward to just now. I had a call from a consultant (I’m having extra scans and consultant-led care because of raised BP). The call lasted all of two minutes, him asking me nothing about my blood pressure or physical health, but he did say ‘and you’re having a little boy?’, to which I replied ‘I don’t know, I’m not finding out’. He didn’t respond to this and just moved on.

I am so happy that I am due a healthy baby, and I know that this is not a big deal, but I feel gutted that two people have told me the sex of my baby against my wishes. I would never dream of making a formal complaint, but would it be unreasonable to mention what happened? At the moment I think I’m still reeling from finding out, and just feel like opting out of consultant-led care. My baby has been fine the whole way along, and I just feel angry that these extra interventions have contributed to me finding out the sex without my wanting to!

Sorry for the rant!

OP posts:
GameSetMatch · 20/10/2020 19:04

You’re having a lovely baby boy, congratulations! Great news he’s all well and healthy. Maybe spare a thought to all the mums and babies who’s had bad news.

GameSetMatch · 20/10/2020 19:04

Who’ve*

WunWun · 20/10/2020 19:05

@SueEllenMishke 🙄 Get a grip.

SueEllenMishke · 20/10/2020 19:08

[quote WunWun]@SueEllenMishke 🙄 Get a grip.[/quote]
Excuse me?

ilikebooksandplants · 20/10/2020 19:09

I mean tbh, it was a 50:50 chance. What did you think you were going to give birth to, a frying pan?

TheRedShoes75 · 20/10/2020 19:25

I can remember when I thought later scans were about gender and a few other issues that weren’t really that significant. What pulls you up short is when you learn at 20 weeks your baby is profoundly ill and you have to deliver your dead baby after having chosen to terminate your pregnancy. Oh and by the way the decision needs to be made quickly otherwise the consultant will need to inject your baby’s heart to stop it. This happened to me and that left me reeling.

Please OP, be happy you have a healthy baby and cut your sonographer and consultant some slack. I still remember how difficult the sonographer found it telling us and how much care and attention our consultant gave us. He was so, so busy but I just don’t think he’d have even a moment to remember if I had wanted to know I had a son rather than daughter before I delivered him.

Piwlyfbicsly · 20/10/2020 19:28

Honestly? I just want to say - get a grip, but I know it might sound rude. I get it that we all have our preferences. However, I do feel like our generation have lost a plot a bit and we can’t get our priorities straight. Since when are we such snowflakes? You’ve got roof over your head, you presumably have something to eat, you’ve got a healthy baby to meet with soon. Is it worth your time to worry about things like that? I just don’t see how can you get yourself upset about something you inevitably will find out soon anyway. It’s either boy or a girl, not much to chose from, is it?

LunchBoxPolice · 20/10/2020 19:35

I’m sure in a day or two I’ll be over it, and will be able to get myself excited about having a boy. Maybe I just need to feel sorry for myself for a second

Would you be “reeling” had it been a girl, I wonder...

TheRealShatParp · 20/10/2020 20:45

Very well said @Aspergallus

SuzieQQQ · 21/10/2020 05:34

The consultant is going to be far too busy to worry about whether or not every parent they deal with wants to know or not. They are concerned only with your and your baby’s health.

Mulderitssme · 21/10/2020 07:35

I honestly don't understand this obsession with "gender reveals". If I get as far as twenty weeks, I'll be grateful. The sex is secondary to the baby's health. You're having a healthy baby and to suggest jeopardising you and your baby's health because of an irrelevant, unconfirmed slip up is a luxury that many don't have.

LavaCake · 21/10/2020 07:45

The amount of whataboutery on this thread is absurd.

For one thing OP herself had suffered a loss, so none of you are in the position to sneer at her about feeling gratitude for a healthy baby. Nobody is going to be more aware of that privilege than the OP.

For another, it’s perfectly ok to be annoyed and upset about annoying and upsetting things even if they aren’t literally the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone in the whole world. Imagine if you told a friend you’d had a miscarriage and they said ‘just be glad you aren’t infertile’. Wouldn’t that be shitty? What you’re doing to the OP now is exactly the same thing.

eatsleepread · 21/10/2020 08:16

Gah, that is a bit annoying and disappointing. You really have been lovely about it though, which I am kind of loving you for!
You are going to be a great mum Smile

eatsleepread · 21/10/2020 08:18

And I don't think it would be at all unreasonable to raise it with them. Not a complaint, as you say, but as constructive feedback. The next mum-to-be might not be so nice about it!
Best wishes Thanks

makingmammaries · 21/10/2020 08:29

YABU. There are quite a lot of really awful things you can discover at a scan. Count your blessings.

rumandbiscuits · 21/10/2020 08:30

Oh bless you. The same thing happened to my sister and she was consultant led care as well, it was also two separate members on staff that let it slip to her! I just don't understand why when they slip up they don't just say 'oh sorry I call all little baby's he or by boy reference' just to cover it up a little.
I'm consultant led this time too and don't want to find out, maybe I should go to all my appts with a sticker on my head saying don't tell me the sex!!
Congratulations anyway no matter what you have (they could both be having you on and you're having a girl Wink) it will be amazing!

StuckInTheMiddleAndBoo · 21/10/2020 08:41

The amount of whataboutery on this thread is absurd.

Oh, indeed. But this is AIBU, in which people try their damndest to make out the OP is being unreasonable. Whataboutery is par for the course, I'm afraid.

Teakind · 21/10/2020 08:43

OP, I understand why you're upset as you wanted it to be a surprise. I wouldn't be 100% sure they have slipped up though as they often referred to my DD as a he.

With my DS, I wanted another surprise but at one of my growth scans the sonographer said 'Look away now if you don't want to know what they are as they are are not being shy about it'. Whilst she didn't say boy, I don't think someone would say the same thing about a girl.

As a previous poster said though, a baby is so much more than its sex. Congratulations xxx

NellyJames · 21/10/2020 09:16

Can’t believe so many have voted YABU! The OP is not BU to be pissed off. I’m sorry for all those who have lost a baby but you are conflating here. People are allowed to be upset about things that aren’t tragic or in any way the superlative end of upset. Many people don’t want to know the sex and that’s fine. By not wanting to know you’re not putting any extra pressure on medics in any way. Surely asking the sex is more work? As for asking the OP if she’d still be upset had she been told the baby was a girl. Hmm That right there is extrapolating nonsense based on your own issues.

Lots of things upset us when we’re pregnant, many of them irrational. Cut her some slack. Nowhere has she suggested she’s not fully grateful and relieved that her baby is healthy and alive. She’s still entitled to be pissed off both at the sonographer and the consultant. And it’s perfectly reasonable to mention it without making a complaint especially. To say you’d expressly asked not to be told yet you were, twice. Continually informed practice can only be a good thing for all professionals.

AIMD · 21/10/2020 09:24

@LavaCake

The amount of whataboutery on this thread is absurd.

For one thing OP herself had suffered a loss, so none of you are in the position to sneer at her about feeling gratitude for a healthy baby. Nobody is going to be more aware of that privilege than the OP.

For another, it’s perfectly ok to be annoyed and upset about annoying and upsetting things even if they aren’t literally the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone in the whole world. Imagine if you told a friend you’d had a miscarriage and they said ‘just be glad you aren’t infertile’. Wouldn’t that be shitty? What you’re doing to the OP now is exactly the same thing.

Yes - totally agree.

Although I don’t see what happened as particularly a massive issue, People are perfectly entitled to feel upset or angry about things that seem small to other people or things that won’t matter in the long run.

I mean you could apply whataboutery to everything otherwise. Better not moan about your mum.....at least you have one.....better not moan about Lidl running out of bread because some people in the work dare starving. No moaning about being tired after work, because at least you have a job and income.

I mean really.

foxtiger · 21/10/2020 10:08

You were never actually entitled to this sex “surprise” no matter what you felt led to believe.

I find this a bit surprising given that in some areas/hospitals you are never allowed to know the sex.

I would be disgruntled too, OP.

Thehop · 21/10/2020 10:15

My friend is a sonographer and always uses “he” as she doesn’t like saying “it” but she does warn people.

Porcupineinwaiting · 21/10/2020 10:22

How would the consultant even know you didnt want to know the sex of your baby though? Had you told him prev8?

Lolaloveslemonade · 21/10/2020 10:22

‘Reeling’ and ‘gutted’ are very strong words.

I can understand a moment of ‘disappointment’ but your baby is healthy so it might be best to focus on that.
The excitement of knowing that your baby is growing well surely makes up for everything?

Are you disappointed that it’s a boy OP?

Porcupineinwaiting · 21/10/2020 10:23

previously

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