Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

To be upset with professionals for revealing baby’s sex

200 replies

LittleDog92 · 20/10/2020 14:50

I have managed to get to 33 weeks without finding out the sex of my baby. My partner and I were really looking forward to it being a surprise, and we had hoped that he could announce the sex when they are born.

However, I had a routine scan yesterday and the sonographer seemed to slip up and say it was a boy. I had said at the beginning of the scan that I didn’t want to find out (especially seeing as my partner hasn’t been to a single scan, so wouldn’t want to find out without him there). She was a really lovely sonographer, but part way through she seemed to accidentally slip up and used ‘he’. I think she realised, as her sentence trailed off and she sort of mumbled sorry. Neither of us acknowledged what she had just said.

After the scan I told my partner that I thought I knew the sex, but wouldn’t tell him unless he wanted me to. As of today, he still hasn’t decided whether he wants to know. I completely understand that he might want it to be a surprise, and we have joked that we will likely not make it to the baby being born without him finding out!

Fast forward to just now. I had a call from a consultant (I’m having extra scans and consultant-led care because of raised BP). The call lasted all of two minutes, him asking me nothing about my blood pressure or physical health, but he did say ‘and you’re having a little boy?’, to which I replied ‘I don’t know, I’m not finding out’. He didn’t respond to this and just moved on.

I am so happy that I am due a healthy baby, and I know that this is not a big deal, but I feel gutted that two people have told me the sex of my baby against my wishes. I would never dream of making a formal complaint, but would it be unreasonable to mention what happened? At the moment I think I’m still reeling from finding out, and just feel like opting out of consultant-led care. My baby has been fine the whole way along, and I just feel angry that these extra interventions have contributed to me finding out the sex without my wanting to!

Sorry for the rant!

OP posts:

Horrible76 · 20/10/2020 15:15

I also agree that they say 'he' as a catch all term. And the consultant maybe just had a strange way of asking whether you knew the sex? I think there is still enough ambiguity to merit it still being a surprise.

PolarBearStrength · 20/10/2020 15:15

@LittleDog92 All I can think is that the consultant mixed you up with another patient who they had spoken about the baby’s sex with before.

I know I’ve said as a midwife ‘this one’s a little girl isn’t it?’ Or similar only for the woman to look at me like I’ve grown two heads. It’s not because that information is recorded anywhere, just that we thought we’d had that conversation with you before!

StepBackPlease · 20/10/2020 15:17

YANBU to be disappointed OP as you can't help how you feel, but I would try and get past it and move on to being excited about the next stage. Mistakes happen and your baby is doing well, which is great news!

However, this:
After the scan I told my partner that I thought I knew the sex, but wouldn’t tell him unless he wanted me to. As of today, he still hasn’t decided whether he wants to know. I completely understand that he might want it to be a surprise, and we have joked that we will likely not make it to the baby being born without him finding out!

...all seems a bit of a drama. Are you going to have to hang around until he 'decides' whether he wants to know or not?

LavaCake · 20/10/2020 15:17

I would be annoyed too OP. As you say, it’s not something I would make a complaint about but I’ve loved the fact that the sex is a surprise, and I’ve loved that it has helped me avoid the trap of imagining stereotypes about my baby. I’d feel upset if the decision was taken out of my hands like that.

jessstan1 · 20/10/2020 15:20

LitteDog: "..we had hoped that he could announce the sex when they are born".

You are not having twins!

Congratulations on expecting a baby. You would have found it he was a boy soon enough, does it really matter? I think it is nice to know and couldn't bear the thought of someone else knowing when I don't.

Sonographers and doctors are human beings and make slip ups occasionally but most prospective parents do want to know so it is hardly surprising.

CutToChase · 20/10/2020 15:20

Your DH sounds selfish.

You sound entitled.

Medical professionals doing their job have better things to be getting on with than keeping up some ridiculous charade so you can have a "surprise"

SettingFloundaries · 20/10/2020 15:20

I think YANBU, I appreciate it’s easy to make slips but when it’s your job to deal with expectant mothers every day you should really be used to automatically saying ‘the baby’ or ‘it’. It’s not the main concern at all and yes, I’d rather their attention was on making sure everyone was getting good care but it’s a small thing that makes a big difference to people. I wouldn’t complain but I’d let myself feel a bit sad. Then I’d start to get excited about meeting my little boy - I loved knowing the sex as I felt I could look forward to meeting him and plan names etc.

Hardbackwriter · 20/10/2020 15:20

I'm surprised by the people saying that they wouldn't have recorded the sex anywhere - my 20 week scan report clearly says 'fetal sex: male'. I assume that wouldn't be on the report they gave to me if I didn't want to know but would they not have recorded it at all? I think it's odd it's on the report if it's solely for my benefit.

ChrisPrattsFace · 20/10/2020 15:21

I would be a bit upset but it would also pass quite quickly. They use terms like that quite easily and at one of my many scans the sonographer said ‘I have boys so automatically say he - don’t worry it doesn’t reflect in your child’s sex’
Also, As long it’s it’s healthy it doesn’t matter... and you know that.

HosannainExcelSheets · 20/10/2020 15:25

Despite what some people have said, there will be a record of the sex of the baby from the 20 week anatomy scan of it's anything like my scans 10+ years ago. They do need to check anatomy and ovaries/testes are developing. But they shouldn't tell you the results.

It's still completely possible that you're having a girl. The "he" from the sonographer is just short for baby. And the consultant may have just asked you that to try to show some interest. Consultants can come across a bit cold and detached.

SettingFloundaries · 20/10/2020 15:25

@CutToChase that’s a bit harsh.... it’s part of a medical professional’s job to respect patients wishes.

unmarkedbythat · 20/10/2020 15:30

Yanbu to feel annoyed- feelings are feelings and this mattered to you- but I do think ywbvu to mention it. It happens. Just as they remind us that the anomaly scan is not all about finding out the sex and doing so won't be their priority, it is important to remember than checking whether or not parents have chosen to find out the sex and ensuring they don't accidentally reveal it won't be their priority when doing scans etc either.

Good luck!

Livpool · 20/10/2020 15:32

We didn't find out until 3 days before DS was born! I had reduced movements and a midwife let it slip.

Frustrating but it didn't actually bother me

Dogsareus · 20/10/2020 15:33

From what you've said, there's absolutely no way you know the sex of your baby.

If the sonographer wasn't looking for the sex, it's quite hard to see it at 33 weeks. She probably just said 'he' out of habit. And the consultant would absolutely not have known the sex - he just asked out of curiosity most likely.

I had a scan at 32 weeks and asked for the sex. The sonographer took ages trying to find out, then said they couldn't really be sure but might be a girl.

Don't buy gendered items just yet! 50% chance it's a girl.

Congratulations and good luck with the rest of the pregnancy 😊

Starksforthewin · 20/10/2020 15:37

Reeling? Reeling? 🙄

CherryCocktails · 20/10/2020 15:45

I was going to say using the word "he" by the person doing the scan may not mean you're having a boy as I had the same thing happen to me and had a girl... however, the phone call probably isn't someone using a "he" out of habit! I would be annoyed too..

DefinatelyAWeeGobshite · 20/10/2020 15:48

When I was pregnant with my twins we didn’t want to find out. All the way through scans (I was scanned every two weeks) they were often referred to as he. I had a boy and a girl, I mentioned so some midwife colleagues and they also said it was a generalised term. Some say he, some say she and it’s because they didn’t like to say it

IKEA888 · 20/10/2020 15:50

similar happened to me and I was upset. the surprise was v important to me
it's done now but I do u dertanad

NancyBannister · 20/10/2020 15:50

When I had one of my scans, the sonographer asked if I wanted to know the sex. I didn't. She pre-warned me not to read anything into if she referred to the baby as 'he' at any point - she said that it common place to refer to the baby as he, so that when writing about/speaking about both mother and baby, there is less room for confusion. I had a girl :)

MoonJelly · 20/10/2020 15:50

We didn't want to know when I was expecting DC1, and in practice everyone just referred to the baby as "he" - presumably because it sounded nicer than "it" or "he/she". In fact DC1 was a girl. So it may well be that that was the practice the sonographer at least was following.

After that I decided that actually it wasn't that big a thrill only finding out when the baby was born, and that I would rather know in advance, so next time round I was very happy to be told what sex the child was. Also I felt that if other people knew (i.e. medics) then we certainly should.

To be honest, I think it's a real pity to invest so much in not finding out that you feel that something has been spoilt because you now know, or think you do. When it's inevitable that a lot of medical professionals will know, and your notes are accessible to a number of people, there's a strong chance that the information will come out and I think that's a risk you just have to accept. It seems to me it's just as nice a surprise whether you are told before or after the birth.

Hubertthetortoise · 20/10/2020 15:51

That’s rubbish OP, not how you imagined finding out whether you were having a boy or a girl at all! I too would have been really upset about it as that was one of the things that we felt really a strongly about when I was pregnant. I don’t think It’s unreasonable to be upset at all. Like someone said above we don’t tend to record the sex of the baby before birth, so maybe he was just making conversation. I’ve known lots of couples who didn’t want to find out but heard the sonographer say ‘he’ or ‘she’ because they don’t want to call the baby ‘it’, when the baby was born it was the opposite sex.

ChocoholicMama · 20/10/2020 15:52

Yanbu to feel upset.
Yabvvu to consider leaving consultant-led care because of this.

I would not take this experience to mean you're definitely having a boy. Yes, maybe the sonographer messed up and she did see boy bits, but equally many do use he automatically. Consultants really don't care about the gender (unless it's medically relevant) so again that may be nothing more than polite chit chat with no basis. I've been asked is it a girl, and I'm having a boy. It was just a question rather than them having insider knowledge. But please don't leave consultant care over this... High BP needs to be monitored to make sure it doesn't turn into preeclampsia or any other concerning medical condition that could affect you or baby. Far more important to have a healthy mum and baby than worrying over whether you know the gender accidentally or not. You'll know for sure if it's a boy or girl really soon!

Scweltish · 20/10/2020 15:56

@Starksforthewin

Reeling? Reeling? 🙄

That’s what I thought. It was either going to be a girl or a boy. Why would you be reeling because it’s one of the two? Op the last time I was reeling at my scan was because they found a womb full of blood and no baby. They told me I’d never been pregnant and had a ruptured cyst, I was devastated. After a week in hospital getting blood drained out of me, they decided I must actually be pregnant due to my hormone levels and just so happened to have a cyst at the same time. Of course I was going overjoyed to be expecting again. Then I went in for another scan and it was discovered she was ectopic. She had to be cut out of me still alive. Your consultant isn’t there to give you nice surprises. You’ve got a healthy baby as far as you know, they’ve done their jobs

PicaK · 20/10/2020 16:00

You're allowed to be annoyed. Give yourself a bit of time to mourn the loss of your surprise when you wanted it. It's a bit shit of them.
Then take back control.
Why don't you do a gender reveal for your DH. So you get to see his surprise in full. Go for a lovely 4D scan together.
Then make sure you enjoy the next few weeks.

CherryCocktails · 20/10/2020 16:02

@Scweltish I'm sorry that happened to you but it's a bit harsh on the op.. she is perfectly ok to feel disappointment at having the sex revealed despite her saying she didn't want to know.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Swipe left for the next trending thread