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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with professionals for revealing baby’s sex

200 replies

LittleDog92 · 20/10/2020 14:50

I have managed to get to 33 weeks without finding out the sex of my baby. My partner and I were really looking forward to it being a surprise, and we had hoped that he could announce the sex when they are born.

However, I had a routine scan yesterday and the sonographer seemed to slip up and say it was a boy. I had said at the beginning of the scan that I didn’t want to find out (especially seeing as my partner hasn’t been to a single scan, so wouldn’t want to find out without him there). She was a really lovely sonographer, but part way through she seemed to accidentally slip up and used ‘he’. I think she realised, as her sentence trailed off and she sort of mumbled sorry. Neither of us acknowledged what she had just said.

After the scan I told my partner that I thought I knew the sex, but wouldn’t tell him unless he wanted me to. As of today, he still hasn’t decided whether he wants to know. I completely understand that he might want it to be a surprise, and we have joked that we will likely not make it to the baby being born without him finding out!

Fast forward to just now. I had a call from a consultant (I’m having extra scans and consultant-led care because of raised BP). The call lasted all of two minutes, him asking me nothing about my blood pressure or physical health, but he did say ‘and you’re having a little boy?’, to which I replied ‘I don’t know, I’m not finding out’. He didn’t respond to this and just moved on.

I am so happy that I am due a healthy baby, and I know that this is not a big deal, but I feel gutted that two people have told me the sex of my baby against my wishes. I would never dream of making a formal complaint, but would it be unreasonable to mention what happened? At the moment I think I’m still reeling from finding out, and just feel like opting out of consultant-led care. My baby has been fine the whole way along, and I just feel angry that these extra interventions have contributed to me finding out the sex without my wanting to!

Sorry for the rant!

OP posts:
Tippexy · 20/10/2020 16:27

@Mizzler

You know what left me reeling after an ultrasound scan? Finding out my baby was dead.

Congratulations on your healthy pregnancy op.

So sorry about your loss Mizzler. Flowers

This thread is just in awful taste.

VodselForDinner · 20/10/2020 16:28

Sorry to hear you and your boyfriend are “reeling” and “gutted” after a positive scan
for a health baby.

SunbathingDragon · 20/10/2020 16:32

I’m not sure why some posters are trying to make this a competition about what the worst scan news is. It’s not necessary (and yes, I’ve miscarried several times and also had a baby die neonatally).

badacorn · 20/10/2020 16:33

Normal to be a bit annoyed but you are being OTT

Congrats on your healthy pregnancy

DillyDilly · 20/10/2020 16:33

Would it be possible you referred to your baby as ‘he’ when speaking to your consultant and that’s why he said, so you’re having a boy ?

diddl · 20/10/2020 16:34

"LitteDog: "..we had hoped that he could announce the sex when they are born".

You are not having twins!"

Never heard of singular they?

Hardbackwriter · 20/10/2020 16:35

I was curious about all the comments saying that fetal sex is never recorded in medical notes when it definitely is in mine so I googled and it's a matter of local policy so it may or may not be depending on your trust (paragraph 3.5)

To be upset with professionals for revealing baby’s sex
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 20/10/2020 16:36

I had no choice. Our DS did a full frontal during the 16-week scan (we had an additional earlier one for reassurance owing to previous losses) and there could be no mistake whatsoever about what sex he was!

It's a little sad when things don't work out as we imagined and dreamed they would: birth plans being a prime example. But there's no point crying over spilt milk. So pleased for you that he's healthy and congratulations on your forthcoming arrival.

SunshineCake · 20/10/2020 16:36

Totally entitled to be upset and I would find a way to record this.

Please come back in a few weeks and let us know what you had.

With dc2 I had to have weekly scans and one time I said "don't tell me what it is but do you know?" And she said yes. They can keep quiet and think the sonographer might have said he as better than it but the consultant was out of order.

CarrieBlu · 20/10/2020 16:37

My sonographer said “he” twice, but DC turned out to be a girl. Asked a friend who works as a midwife and she said they often refer to baby as “he”.

NoMoreMuchin · 20/10/2020 16:53

I doubt you know. At my trust babies are all called 'he' during scans. mothers are 'she' to avoid confusion (no idea how twins would fit into this). Consultant was probably mixing you up, they see over a hundred women a month.

Incidentally scans can be wrong. My neighbour had 3 girls and really wanted a boy. She had an extra private scan at 16 weeks to find out the sex early and was told it was another girl. This was then confirmed at the NHS anomaly scan at 20 weeks who also said another girl. She had a boy.

Finally, I'd say try and count your blessings. My 20 week scan found no heartbeat. That was a bad scan, this one, not so much.

Inthemuckheap · 20/10/2020 16:54

Sorry that surprise may have been ruined. I think you need to start each visit/conversation with I don't want to know the sex to remind them.

I guess the 'he' is automatic as 'it' isn't a nice way of describing 'baby'.

Wishing you a healthy baby - congratulations.

YNBU.

NellyJames · 20/10/2020 17:01

I think you’re all being harsh on the op. I have also suffered from a MMC but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have been upset at other scans if theyd told me the sex. It also doesn’t mean I can’t empathise when someone is upset. It isn’t a competition.

Of course the main thing is that the baby is healthy but there’s nothing demanding or unreasonable about not wanting to find out the sex of the baby. In fact, surely it’s more demanding to ask the sex? I didn’t find out with any of mine and it was a very exciting and special part of it for us.

happymummy12345 · 20/10/2020 17:03

I know in the grand scheme of things it probably wouldn't seem very important to a lot of people. But as someone who did not want to find out the sex until the birth I would have been very annoyed if that happened to me. I made it clear throughout that I did not want to know the sex at all. My first scan was late so I was asked then, I said no. At my second scan I was asked and again I said no. At 37 weeks I had to have a growth scan. One of the first things I said was we don't know the sex and don't want to know. (Obviously I know the reason for the scan was to check the baby was okay. But it seems most parents do know the sex these days. So I thought it may be the case they assumed we did).

StuckInTheMiddleAndBoo · 20/10/2020 17:04

@Hardbackwriter

I was curious about all the comments saying that fetal sex is never recorded in medical notes when it definitely is in mine so I googled and it's a matter of local policy so it may or may not be depending on your trust (paragraph 3.5)
It's not recorded if they don't know it. I found out the sex with DC1 but not with DC2. It was recorded on the notes for DC1 but there was nothing recorded for DC2.
rottiemum88 · 20/10/2020 17:06

I’ve honestly got no patience for this whatsoever. These specialists are there to do a job FGS. Just like people are constantly told on here that the 20 week scan isn’t for them to find out the sex, it’s an anomaly scan and that will be the sonographer’s focus, why the hell should the sonographer care that you DON’T want to know the sex in this case and have to try to remember not to mention it? Please get a grip and try to focus on the important things i.e. that you’ll hopefully have a healthy baby once this experience is over, which many people do not Hmm

Hardbackwriter · 20/10/2020 17:06

Of course the main thing is that the baby is healthy but there’s nothing demanding or unreasonable about not wanting to find out the sex of the baby. In fact, surely it’s more demanding to ask the sex?

How?

That's what I've always found a bit strange about not finding out - I'd get it if you had to do something special to find out but actually you just turn down knowledge that the sonographer freely has. I don't really see how that's a 'surprise' in the normal sense - or, rather, we could all have lots of surprises in life if we just asked not to be told readily available facts. Why not have a 'surprise' due date, or a 'surprise' on which school your child will be going to by just not opening the letter until five months after it comes?

nitsandwormsdodger · 20/10/2020 17:08

If it's a boy then that could be significant if there are complications
So it's is relevant to the professionals
Sorry your surprise has been spoilt, there are worst things they could have told you

notalwaysalondoner · 20/10/2020 17:09

You are crazy to consider opting out of consultant-led care because of this. If you want to do SOMETHING to let them know they messed up, the sensible thing to do would be to mention it to them next time you speak, or if you really can't manage to do that, by email. "Thanks Doctor xyz for all your support during my pregnancy, I just wanted to say I was a bit disappointed you mentioned my baby's sex without asking if I already knew last time we spoke as I was waiting to find out at the birth, and wanted to mention it now so you don't accidentally do this in future to another expectant mother. Thanks!"

MeetMeInMontauk · 20/10/2020 17:15

Hey OP, how about being thankful that you live in a country with high quality, free-at-point-of-care health provision with a clinical team actively engaged in you and your child's welfare?

Jesus fucking Christ.

ivfbeenbusy · 20/10/2020 17:16

you were obviously consultant led for a reason so I think your overreacting to consider leaving consultant care at this point

I wouldn't bother complaining it just takes up valuable NHS resource to deal with the it?

It's reasonable to be a bit annoyed at this point but honestly in the grand scheme of things you'll have forgotten about how cross you are by the time the baby arrives

And honestly IF you are having a boy and have had loads of scans and you are watching the screens they put up it's pretty obvious if it's a boy so I imagine you'd have some suspicions at this point anyway?

nosswith · 20/10/2020 17:20

YANBU to be upset but I think it was not deliberate.

Cantthinkofausename · 20/10/2020 17:22

The same thing happened to me op, i told the lady at the start of my scan i didnt want to know but my partner did so the plan was for me to leave the room before my partner. During the scan the sonographer said "he's a little wriggler" i was so annoyed because i wanted to find out at the same time as my other kids. Anyway, to cut a long story i actually had a little girl. I think the always say 'he'

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 20/10/2020 17:25

This shouldn't be anything more than a minor disappointment in the scheme of things, OP.

GoldfishParade · 20/10/2020 17:25

I just think this is all part of a quite sickening general social movement in which each person is there to be nurtured and pandered to.

You're having a baby. Your doctors and medical staff are there to make sure your baby is healthy, you are healthy and your birth goes as smoothly as possible. They arent there to help you make memories or create a perfect pre birth experience. They ask you if you want to know - well guess what, they are also human beings, working pretty long hours, and will sometimes slip up on this very minor and insignificant point. Realistically how much of a surprise is it anyway? It's not like it could potentially be a baby giraffe. Now that really would be ruining a surprise.

As for your DP, I dont actually like the sound of him tbh, and I think again, the level of almost childish importance he is placing on this surprise aspect is something that comes vaguely close to red flaggish. I would expect a normal healthy reaction to this to be "Awww WHAT! No! They ruined the surprise!" for literally 10 seconds, before swiftly moving on to "okay cool so let's hear it then!" so you could get excited together, rather than taking time to deliberate this as if he was making a major geopolitical decision. It just all sounds very intense, heightened by the fact you then make a thread about it - almost as if sanctifying something