To be upset with professionals for revealing baby’s sex

[LittleDog92]

I have managed to get to 33 weeks without finding out the sex of my baby. My partner and I were really looking forward to it being a surprise, and we had hoped that he could announce the sex when they are born.

However, I had a routine scan yesterday and the sonographer seemed to slip up and say it was a boy. I had said at the beginning of the scan that I didn’t want to find out (especially seeing as my partner hasn’t been to a single scan, so wouldn’t want to find out without him there). She was a really lovely sonographer, but part way through she seemed to accidentally slip up and used ‘he’. I think she realised, as her sentence trailed off and she sort of mumbled sorry. Neither of us acknowledged what she had just said.

After the scan I told my partner that I thought I knew the sex, but wouldn’t tell him unless he wanted me to. As of today, he still hasn’t decided whether he wants to know. I completely understand that he might want it to be a surprise, and we have joked that we will likely not make it to the baby being born without him finding out!

Fast forward to just now. I had a call from a consultant (I’m having extra scans and consultant-led care because of raised BP). The call lasted all of two minutes, him asking me nothing about my blood pressure or physical health, but he did say ‘and you’re having a little boy?’, to which I replied ‘I don’t know, I’m not finding out’. He didn’t respond to this and just moved on.

I am so happy that I am due a healthy baby, and I know that this is not a big deal, but I feel gutted that two people have told me the sex of my baby against my wishes. I would never dream of making a formal complaint, but would it be unreasonable to mention what happened? At the moment I think I’m still reeling from finding out, and just feel like opting out of consultant-led care. My baby has been fine the whole way along, and I just feel angry that these extra interventions have contributed to me finding out the sex without my wanting to!

Sorry for the rant!

Op how about you thank your lucky stars you live in a country were you have running water from a tap and don't have to walk 12 miles to a well... joking. Some of the comments here are so dickish. Op knows she's lucky to be having a healthy baby, doesn't mean she can't be annoying at something!

This is something worthy of mild, momentary annoyance. That is all.

Sorry OP, but I agree with a previous poster that this thread is in poor taste. “Reeling” to the point where you actually thought it would be a proportionate response to remove yourself from consultant-led care (ie potentially compromise your and your baby’s safety)? And all because you MIGHT have discovered your baby’s sex perhaps 6 weeks before you otherwise would? I think you know perfectly well that you seriously need to get a grip.

I knew my baby's sex from a private scan, but still had three sonographers tell me she was a she without me saying either way if I wanted to know or not. I thought it was a bit off and thought I would have been annoyed if I hadn't known.

I'm pretty sure they do it on purpose and get some kind of power trip from ruining the surprise for people. I've been on here about ten years and you read over and over about it happening. I can't think of any other possible reason why it would happen so much.

Complete self-centred overreaction by you OP. 'Gutted' and 'angry' that your gender-reveal surprise being ruined by the nasty medics smacks of foot-stamping. Thank goodness your baby is healthy and safe. Thank goodness you are healthy. Please focus on this and don't harbour anger over a non-event. You are going to have such fun and good times in the years ahead with your lad; focus on looking forward to that.

I think it’s correct to say he rather than it.

Look, you’re going to have a lovely baby soon and that’s really all that matters isn’t it.

Congratulations on your son! You’ve still had a surprise, just a few weeks early.
Tbh I don’t get the dad announcing the sex thing .

That’s probably the right attitude to take- same surprise, just a few weeks early :)

And like a previous poster has said, there is so much more interesting stuff to find out about our baby than their sex! I liked the idea of my partner announcing it, especially as he’s been unable to be present at a single baby-related thing, but that’s just tough tomatoes. He can announce whether the baby has ginger hair or something instead 😂

In my experience, all sonographers refer to the baby as "he", regardless of sex. And there is no reason at all why the baby's sex would be written on your notes (in fact, it would be really odd and incredibly unusual if it had!) so it's hugely unlikely your consultant knows. Probably confusing you with someone else he spoke to who did know.

Try and ignore it and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy! I'd say it's likely you're wrong about it being a boy and you've misunderstood - still definitely 50/50 for a girl I reckon.

You might not be having a boy, ‘he’ might just have been a word used instead of ‘it’

Your consultant may have just been making conversation.
I didn’t find out for my first, it was the ultimate anti climax, it was not the big reveal I’d imagined, I was just glad the pain had stopped.

Remember it is going to be a surprise whenever you find out. Granted, you'd decided to wait until baby arrived and that was your prerogative but mistakes happen. Sorry you feel upset but in terms of complaining or changing your birth plans it hardly hardly counts as negligence of care or anything.

I didn't want to find out with our first. I was determined to wait until the baby was born. DH was desperate to find out as he thought it would help him bond better, not that that seemed to be a problem. We ended up agreeing with the sonographer that she would write it on a piece of paper for him. I wasn't that happy with the idea of him knowing and me not but it seemed the only viable solution. Up until the scan, DH was convinced we were having a boy (well MIL was convinced and she brainwashed him).

After the scan we were at the reception desk making another appointment as they couldn't get all the measurements due to baby's position. DH says to me "Well I guess I'll have to get used to using a different pronoun now."
Just like that. We hadn't even left the building before he told me. I was fuming. It didn't just slip out, it was completely deliberate.

Eventually I realised that it didn't actually matter. Knowing we were having a girl allowed us to plan better and at the birth I certainly didn't feel the moment was any less special because we already knew what we were having. We went on to have two boys and found out the sex at the scans each time.

I just have that feeling of wanting to do SOMETHING to communicate how I’m feeling.

Well you have, by starting this thread.

Maybe it would help to think about how fortunate you are that you've been able to get pregnant without medical intervention, that you're having a baby and that the baby is healthy. Many women aren't that lucky.

And as @CallmeMrsScavo says, you still have so many things to discover about your child when he/she is born.

I had similar in that the sonographer described him then asked me if I wanted to know the sex! Luckily I did, but I did think it was a bit of a faux pas on her behalf. Congratulations on your pregnancy and enjoy your baby whoever he/she may be. x

You're not being unreasonable to be annoyed, but it's possible she just said he automatically.

I think you'll feel better/differently about this in a few days.

Personally, I would just move on. Yours and baby's care hasn't been affected and that is the main thing.

Without sounding harsh, bigger things matter

Are you disappointed it's a boy, is that why you are having such an extreme reaction?

Because if it is a boy, it was all along. Better to know now if you are going to be disappointed

I am surprised to see such a high % for YABU.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I would have been pissed off too.

Never mind, @LittleDog92 onwards and upwards, and good luck with the rest of the pregnancy, and I hope your baby is healthy and you will all be happy.

In the scheme of things, this is tiny. I would just let it go.

Please, please don't complain.
My best friend is a sonographer and she told me that every single complaint has to be fully investigated and it takes up a ridiculous amount of time - time which could be spent scanning people.

In the grand scheme of things this is a minor annoyance.

Be thankful that that’s the worst thing you’ve heard during a sonograph, your baby is healthy, we haven’t all been afforded that luxury. However I totally empathise that you wanted a surprise and I do feel bad that they didn’t listen to you, but in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t make a difference.

@SueEllenMishke Maybe ask her not to do it then?

Honestly I wouldn't I over think this:

1. The scans are for health reasons for your baby, not a private scan so keep that in mind that's the most important thing rather than gender reveals
2. The sonographer may have used 'he' generically - or not. You don't know, so try not to overthink it. Remember she's seeing mum after mum all day long and mentally ticking off the many things she's checking for each time and needing to concentrate. A private scan is much different.
3. The consultant had a 50/50 chance of guessing the sex the 'oh are you having a boy?' is probably the gynae equivalent of 'are you going anywhere nice on holiday?' ! (What holiday! Why would you ask me that?!)

You want a surprise, and you'll still get one. Add this to the speculation that comes with not really knowing the baby's sex! Exciting.

@Scweltish I’m so sorry for your traumatic experience and eventual loss of your baby. Rather puts things into perspective doesn’t it? Hope life has improved for you. 💐

Please remember to come back and tell us what you actually had!! Xx

[quote WunWun]@SueEllenMishke Maybe ask her not to do it then? [/quote]
Do what?
Her job - for which she has to deal with rude people, people shouting at her and complaints because she won't write down the sex of a baby on fancy cards and has therefore 'ruined' a couples gender reveal party (actual complaint)

If she ever has revealed the sex accidentally it would have been completely unintentional and an accident.... not worthy of a complaint.
Every day she has to tell women their baby has died or has a serious medical condition so deserves to be cut some slack in a situation like this.

@WhereverIGoddamnLike

I don't understand why they do that. Unless there is something on the scan showing an issue related to the sex then there is no need to even bring it up. They should only be saying "baby is fine" and not using any pronouns unless actually asked.

If that was standard practice then slip ups just wouldn't happen.

I wouldn't make a big complaint or anything but I would bring it up next time I saw the consultant, even if it's just to say "I havent told my husband what you said when you revealed the sex to me so please dont do it again and then at least he can be surprised".

Some poor pregnant poster got bollocked before for using the word baby!!