To want my DPs for Xmas and not MIL

[Alcoholulater]

DH is a SAHD and carer for my MIL. She lives alone and is in the extremely vulnerable group. We have an 8 and 4yo. DH sees MIL on avg 4 days a week and sometimes takes the kids if I'm working.

My DM and Stepdad live about the same distance away as MIL but due to CV-19 we haven't seen them since August and only a couple of times before that since lockdown started.

DM is disabled and pretty much housebound, stepdad is her carer.

This will be the 3rd Xmas that I haven't had my DPs here but MIL has been here every year as she is on her own. There is no one else she could spend Xmas with. DPs normally have my single DB with them.

My DM misses the kids terribly and I believe they are both suffering with depression due to lockdown etc.

Due to CV-19 it's unlikely DB will be able to come and we may not even be allowed to have any parents in the house anyway although not sure if we'll adhere to that.

I don't feel comfortable having all parents here at once due to the covid risk and concerned about MIL being here because I commute to work and mix with a lot of people and my kids are still going to school.

I don't know what is going to work out for the best. DH says he will have Xmas Dinner with us and then go and have another one with his mum. Selfishly I don't want him to leave us on the day. He used to work every Xmas day and it was horrible so I want him here.

Does anyone have any solutions??

I still think it’s too early to say with what the rules will be in December.

It sounds like your only option to get what you want but avoid people being on their own, is to spend Christmas Day with different people.

I don’t think it’s fair on your DH or MIL to expect her to spend the day on her own, so his compromise seems the fairest.

If I was in your situation I think I'd still have MIL over as I'd fell too guilty about her being alone. Could you spend Xmas Eve with one set and Xmas day/boxing day with the other. Maybe even have Xmas day alone so it feels fairer. It's a really hard situation but as your MIL would be alone I'd probably prioritise her if I was having anyone around. Although I'll be following covid guidance but I'm lucky that I won't be alone this Xmas.

You are being very selfish. You don’t want MIL at yours so your DH has come up with a solution of he will go to his Mum after dinner but you don’t want that either.

The solution you want people to suggest is clearly DH should stay with you and leave MIL on her own all Christmas Day

I don’t understand why for the last three years you haven’t had MIL and your DM round

It’s not worth overthinking it yet, we don’t know what the rules will be for Christmas.

If they’re the same, your choice of solutions is either to break the rules or be gracious about it when your DH goes to see his Mum after spending time with you and your parents. It is incredibly selfish and unkind of you to want mil to spend the day entirely alone while your parents have each other and another son that they could see. You can’t expect your DH to join in with a nice family Christmas while knowing that his mother who is dependent enough to need a career is on her own, unless he is a complete arsehole.

Christmas day itself doesn't have to have so much emphasis and I think for most this year Christmas will be a longer drawn out celebration.

We are planning on Christmas Eve with BIL and family. Christmas day just us. Boxing day with in laws. Day after boxing day with my folks and New Year's day with some friends. I'm really looking forward to it!

Can you do something similar? Christmas is a Friday so the weekend falls straight after so it depends on work of course.

Right, he used to work Christmas but now he doesn't work at all. He's there every single day. I used to work Christmas Day, now I don't and never will again. It's a non-issue.

You are blocking every solution to this. Just let him go and have dinner with his mum if you won't have them all in the house at the same time.

Selfishly I don't want him to leave us on the day

Unselfishly, your husbands wants to see his mum. It doesn’t sound like he’s kicking up a fuss about your having your parents over.

I don’t think it’s fair for you to want your parents over, and DH not to leave after dinner- so that MIL is alone all day when she has nobody else.

A good compromise is your DH’s suggestion. Or doing Christmas Day dinner with one set round, then taking them home and having the other for tea?

Your husband has suggested a workable solution. Go with it and be glad everyone will get to see their parents.

If you aren't seeing your parents now because of Covid, why would you risk seeing them on CD? The virus isn't going to take the day off!

To ME, Christmas is more for the children if a choice has to be made. In your situation (IF I was going to be seeing the grandparents and that's a big IF) I would see my parents Christmas Eve & have MIL on Boxing Day & just spend all of CD at home together making it a lovely day for the children.

But that does depend on what MIL's needs are really. If she has care or cooking needs I'd (obviously) be fine with DH going around to make sure she's ok & taking food or whatever she needs.

You can't expect him to leave his mum alone all Christmas day. He's suggested a solution.

Yes, you are being selfish but you know that.

So what do you want? To leave the poor woman to spend the whole day alone? You're being incredibly selfish.

You have to have his mother over or let him go to his. How could you leave her on her own?
Dh will never forgive you.
Have your parents of course. How come you have not seen them in so long but it's fine christmad day?

Break the rules and take the risk.
And I say that as someone who has followed every rule, stayed indoors, washed down shopping, disinfected my letterbox and gate daily for deliveries (early on during the crisis). I have been really, really cautious (DH is vulnerable)

Have everyone over for Christmas. I can understand alternating Christmases with different parents but you know your MIL has no other options. She has no company at all. No partner to spend the day with and you want your DH home. I just don't think it's possible. I'd feel awful.

Can you split the days? I am basing my Xmas on the rule of 6 so, my dfil is coming Xmas day as he is on his own, my DM and DF will come boxing day. I don't have loads of time off as am working Xmas anyway but, you can split the days. Not everything needs to happen on Xmas day. I think yabu I am dreading being a mil due to the apparent second class status they are afforded on MN.

He’s offered a solution and yes, you’re being extremely selfish not to go along with it.

MIL for christmas day, and an equally nice day on boxing day for the DPs. Save some presents for that day.

This is going to be a weird, odd Christmas for everyone and it's not going to look like usual. And that's if we're even allowed to mix households at this point, it's hard enough making plans for two weeks from now, never mind two and a half months.

Rolling with the punches and being flexible is going to be the only way through this, so avoid hard and fast plans now. If MiL is vulnerable then she shouldn't be mixing with a household full anyway, particularly weeks from now when it's likely to be much worse. She shouldn't have to be alone either. You and DH separating, doing two different things and then taking your own time later for yourselves is probably going to be the way forward. But again, at this point, no one knows what things are going to look like by then, and we can't plan much until we get there.

I haven't seen DF since December and probably won't this side of spring now since he's vulnerable. It stinks. Pandemics aren't fun.

Have them all and be done with it ...I am thinking though you are a bit fed up of MIL taking up all dhs time and its more that than anything.Its a lot to deal wth elderly or vulnerable (god I hate that word) parents as they become more needy.I do get you OP but really could you sit there enjoying your day and know MIL is all on her own? I doubt it I probably think this is more a vent than a plan...all understandable.

I think people get too fixated on Christmas Day itself. Particularly this year when it's likely that "Christmas" may not happen in the usual way.

Just see one set of parents on Christmas Day and one on Boxing Day. Or go with your DH's perfectly sensible compromise.

And, if there's not medical reason not to see your parents, why not go and see them more often? That way, Christmas won't seem like your one and only chance to see them properly.

Christmas eve with one and daywith the other? Or brunch with one and 6 o'clock dinner with the other? It really doesn't have to be really fancy food, just dress the table nicely.

This is pretty much why I have been completely ignoring xmas for three and a half decades.

Honestly?

If the restrictions in your area allow, go and see your parents now.

Things are going to get worse before they get better - they may lift the restrictions for a 2 day celebration, or not.

You can still, with planning and care have a nice Christmas that includes them, even if you have a facetime dinner/present opening. But if they miss the kids go see them now and have a gorgeous autumnal day together, even do gifts if you want.

And yes, DH should go and have a meal with his mum on Xmas day.

I would not leave anyone purposely on their own at Xmas, end of. Its very selfish to expect dh too aswell. Its a crap excuse not to have all dps there due to the covid risk as your all mixing anyway!

What would you do if your mum was alone and your husband said he didn't want you to go and see her on Christmas Day?