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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my DPs for Xmas and not MIL

136 replies

Alcoholulater · 18/10/2020 11:33

DH is a SAHD and carer for my MIL. She lives alone and is in the extremely vulnerable group. We have an 8 and 4yo. DH sees MIL on avg 4 days a week and sometimes takes the kids if I'm working.

My DM and Stepdad live about the same distance away as MIL but due to CV-19 we haven't seen them since August and only a couple of times before that since lockdown started.

DM is disabled and pretty much housebound, stepdad is her carer.

This will be the 3rd Xmas that I haven't had my DPs here but MIL has been here every year as she is on her own. There is no one else she could spend Xmas with. DPs normally have my single DB with them.

My DM misses the kids terribly and I believe they are both suffering with depression due to lockdown etc.

Due to CV-19 it's unlikely DB will be able to come and we may not even be allowed to have any parents in the house anyway although not sure if we'll adhere to that.

I don't feel comfortable having all parents here at once due to the covid risk and concerned about MIL being here because I commute to work and mix with a lot of people and my kids are still going to school.

I don't know what is going to work out for the best. DH says he will have Xmas Dinner with us and then go and have another one with his mum. Selfishly I don't want him to leave us on the day. He used to work every Xmas day and it was horrible so I want him here.

Does anyone have any solutions??

OP posts:
Chailatteplease · 18/10/2020 17:51

YABU to want to leave your MIL alone on Christmas Day. If you were going to break the rules, have them all round.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 18/10/2020 18:02

Your DH going to see his Mum while your parents are over sounds like the best solution.

But, I’m going against the grain here and saying that I think your MIL is being abit selfish. She sees a lot of your DH and had spent many Christmases with your family. Why couldn’t she let your DP’s have a turn, given they haven’t seen you since August?

If i were her, I’d suggest that to my son. Perhaps see everyone on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day and have a day in front of the TV with some treats for Christmas. But that’s me, I don’t mind my own company at all!

MsStillwell · 18/10/2020 18:26

we aren't allowed to go into other people's houses

So, why this thread??

myhobbyisouting · 18/10/2020 19:38

Unless you and the kids are isolating from DH then you are currently all in a bubble with your MIL. An "extended household bubble" is something you've just invented and isn't actually a "thing".

As you can't go to each other's homes then this isn't a problem at the moment. Do your parents even want to come to you?

Fishfingersandwichplease · 18/10/2020 20:10

Have you got a son OP? How would you feel if your future daughter in law did this to you? There is your answer.

Original poster
Alcoholulater · 18/10/2020 22:09

@myhobbyisouting It is in Scotland?

OP posts:
FirefighterA24 · 18/10/2020 22:12

Bring both sets of parents to your house for Christmas, life is far too short and do you honestly think this wank arse government won't be spending Xmas with their loved ones?

BeneficiaryMadness · 18/10/2020 22:16

Why haven’t they been to yours for Christmas for the last 3 years?

mum11970 · 18/10/2020 22:29

As the OP is in Scotland and her dp is a SAHD I’d assume their children are under 12 and, therefore, not included in the rule of 6. The mixing of households is the only issue.

XiCi · 18/10/2020 22:57

I would just have both sets of parents round for xmas dinner, if that's what they all wanted.

Original poster
Alcoholulater · 18/10/2020 23:22

@BeneficiaryMadness I explained that in my post at 17:00.

@FirefighterA24 Oh I have no doubt they will!

OP posts:
Original poster
Alcoholulater · 18/10/2020 23:24

@Fishfingersandwichplease Did what to me?

OP posts:
myhobbyisouting · 18/10/2020 23:52

You've obviously decided you're right and anything else is unreasonable. The resounding YABU on this thread isn't going to change your mind so just do what you're doing. I wouldn't rely on your husband putting up with this indefinitely though

BeneficiaryMadness · 19/10/2020 00:10

But why couldn’t you have your parents and MIL all round together in the previous years I meant?

Fishfingersandwichplease · 19/10/2020 07:54

Left you on your own on Christmas day! I know it might be a pain and l have had times where l can't be bothered with dh's family (which l think we all feel sometimes if l am honest) but l think it would be really unkind to not include her in your plans and really unfair to your DH - you are putting him in an awkward position.

Original poster
Alcoholulater · 19/10/2020 08:17

@BeneficiaryMadness We have had them here altogether in previous years. MIL is here every year, plus we also have my mum and step dad or my dad and step mum. Apart from last year when we didn't want to host for a change and just wanted a low key day with our kids so just MIL came.

@myhobbyisouting I agreed with a PP who gave me a workable solution - get my DPs over for a couple of hours whilst DH goes to his DMs then we don't have everyone in the house at once and my DPs get to see the kids.

People have been asking whats so different about having them in my house on Xmas day compared to any other in relation to covid. Rightly or wrongly we have been trying to mitigate the risk wherever we can, highest risk for us is me working and the kids going to school. Because we can't change those we try to mitigate the risk elsewhere i.e. not going anywhere else out with that. This includes sticking to not going in anyone else's house as per the rules where I am. For me it's very different having them here on a regular basis compared to one day at Xmas in terms of the risk factor.

OP posts:
MrsAlexKarev · 19/10/2020 17:39

I would have them all. I don’t see the difference with your husband seeing MIL with the kids and you not seeing her? Surely as family unit if one of you had covid you will have it. And if your mum & dad aren’t seeing anyone they shouldn’t be a risk.

MiddlesexGirl · 19/10/2020 17:43

DPs Christmas Eve
No-one Christmas Day
MIL Boxing Day

amispeakingenglish · 19/10/2020 18:04

its one day, you can make any day Christmas Day, have two or 3 or them!!

LaraLondon1 · 19/10/2020 18:05

Agree with what MaverickDanger said
‘I think it’s fair on your DH or MIL to expect her to spend the day on her own, so his compromise seems the fairest’ .

amispeakingenglish · 19/10/2020 18:08

AmICrazyorWhat2

Or what above says

Shona52 · 19/10/2020 18:26

We can’t see my DP as DF is having cancer treatment and has to isolate every 6 weeks after treatment for 2 weeks. Christmas falls into this time. So we are going have dinner at the same time with Skype on. It’s not the same but nothing we can do about it. We are also have PIL joining.

As hard as it is for your parents they have each other and to leave your MIL alone is just wrong. Your could have your parents over and then later let your DH go to his DM. That way everyone has something. But to be honest I don’t think we will be allowed to mix households over Christmas

Elieza · 19/10/2020 18:39

My mum is alone as well and for 20 years I’ve had to see her for lunch and see my dad for tea (and fit in pets and boyfriends round about that).

It meant my mum has been alone on Christmas morning until noon when I arrive (having phoned with a merry Christmas call when I got up) and alone again from just before teatime to bedtime every Christmas Day.

She is fine with that because she’s seen me for a good few hours and the tv is good. If I didn’t do that I would spend the day with her and Boxing Day with my dad but that was not what he wanted.

You mil could be the same. A few hours with her child may set her up for the rest of the day. Perhaps she could host Christmas lunch for him at her house (even if he takes the food over with him) and you can host your parents at yours later or go to theirs for tea. DH can see his mum and also see you and his mil.

Christmas is about family. It’s also about compromise! Just don’t do a vicar of dibly and eat too many dinners and feel ill!

FlynnD · 19/10/2020 19:03

Just have one big CD with them all! It could be someone’s last one. Your all technically mixing anyway even if your hubby goes to his mothers as he has been with you and kids so putting her at risk anyway . I’m a grandmother now and
COVID-19 can kiss my arse I’m spending CD with my family.

Feedingthebirds1 · 19/10/2020 19:41

@Alcoholulater

Is this DH doesn't want my DP round for Xmas dinner, excuse is covid but he'd probably have his mum here but I then countered about my parents so he said he'd go to her part of the problem? He wants his mum there but won't have your parents? I get that if he doesn't see his mum on Christmas Day she'll be alone and that your parents have each other, but DM is disabled and pretty much housebound, stepdad is her carer. it doesn't sound like they have an easy life either even if there are two of them, and seeing the DCs and you at Christmas would be a real occasion (and tonic) to them too. So I think your DH is being selfish with that one.

Does he always expect your parents to take a back seat to his mum? Does he put her always put her first ahead of you and the DCs?

I get that she's lonely and vulnerable, but there has to be at least some compromise and give and take.