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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my DPs for Xmas and not MIL

136 replies

Alcoholulater · 18/10/2020 11:33

DH is a SAHD and carer for my MIL. She lives alone and is in the extremely vulnerable group. We have an 8 and 4yo. DH sees MIL on avg 4 days a week and sometimes takes the kids if I'm working.

My DM and Stepdad live about the same distance away as MIL but due to CV-19 we haven't seen them since August and only a couple of times before that since lockdown started.

DM is disabled and pretty much housebound, stepdad is her carer.

This will be the 3rd Xmas that I haven't had my DPs here but MIL has been here every year as she is on her own. There is no one else she could spend Xmas with. DPs normally have my single DB with them.

My DM misses the kids terribly and I believe they are both suffering with depression due to lockdown etc.

Due to CV-19 it's unlikely DB will be able to come and we may not even be allowed to have any parents in the house anyway although not sure if we'll adhere to that.

I don't feel comfortable having all parents here at once due to the covid risk and concerned about MIL being here because I commute to work and mix with a lot of people and my kids are still going to school.

I don't know what is going to work out for the best. DH says he will have Xmas Dinner with us and then go and have another one with his mum. Selfishly I don't want him to leave us on the day. He used to work every Xmas day and it was horrible so I want him here.

Does anyone have any solutions??

OP posts:
Spied · 18/10/2020 12:33

Leaving mil alone on Xmas day is cruel.
DH visits her a few times a week sometimes taking the DC so you can't use the school/work Covid risk to her as an excuse.
Doesn't sound like your dparents go out much either so I don't understand this risk to mil if you host her on Xmas day and tbh it's not about that is it?
You've had her over the last few times so you simply don't want to this year.
Please don't make it difficult for your DH to visit his Mum. He sounds lovely.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 18/10/2020 12:34

Yes the solution is youbhave both sets of parents. By the sounds of it they don't see anyone else anyway so won't be much risk. Seems strange that you would be so uncomfortable with it.

RightOnTheEdge · 18/10/2020 12:37

YABU!
Your DH is willing to compromise and come up with a solution so your DM and SF can come on Christmas day and your still not happy!

Could you really sit and enjoy Christmas day knowing that your MIL is all alone?
Imagine how your DH would feel too.
He's a SAHD surely you can manage without him for an afternoon?

Spied · 18/10/2020 12:37

Mil is your bubble surely so there would be zero problem hosting both.

StatisticalSense · 18/10/2020 12:37

YABU.
Not only do you apparently want to leave his mother alone on Xmas day but also your brother. Clearly it makes more sense on both sides for you to spend the day with MiL and your parents to spend it with DB so that nobody is alone.

Redwinestillfine · 18/10/2020 12:43

Can't you just have mil and your parents? Covid risk no less if DH is having Christmas meal with you and your parents and then going to see his mum... As a single adult she can be part of your household anyway.

Brefugee · 18/10/2020 12:46

perhaps everyone should do what they want and you be alone on Christmas day? how would that make you feel?

You're being selfish. Your husband's compromise isn't brilliant but it is the minimum your MIL should have

Keratinsmooth · 18/10/2020 12:49

Have multiple “Christmas dates”?

NeonGenesis · 18/10/2020 12:51

Fine to want your parents over, but unfair and petty to say MIL can't come. It isn't because of the covid risk, that doesn't even make sense.

OverTheRainbow88 · 18/10/2020 12:53

Have your MIL over and your parents. Surely, there’s no more risk doing that than seeing them all separately any way.

LockdownMayhem · 18/10/2020 13:02

@Ihatefish

So you’re willing to break the rules if you presumably get put in tier 2 So your parents can come over but not to have 7 rather than 6 so you can have your MIL?

Why’s that? It sounds like it’s some sort of control thing to me. I’m not sure why you think it’s ok to leave MIL alone? Are you trying to make a point over how much your DH has seen him mum over lock down whereas you haven’t seen your mum and dad. It’s understandable you’re upset, but it’s not the fault of your DH or MIL -it’s just the luck of the drawer

I think ihatefish has hit the nail on the head. It feels like you just don't want your mil, perhaps due to the amount your DH sees her normally and are using the 'not having them all together' as an excuse, even though you are perfectly happy to break the rules for your own parents.

If you're happy to break the rules anyway, just have them all as 7 or if you really can't stand to have your mil too, let your DH go. Like others have said, she's no more vulnerable on xmas day than she is every other day of the week when your DH and kids visit her.

Coffeeandcocopops · 18/10/2020 13:09

If she has 7 is she breaking the rules? Mil is a bubble and I thought they were excluded from the rule of 6. So bubble plus 6. This was to stop single people being on their own.

To be honest though seems you just don’t want your MIL. At least her son sounds lovely and caring bless him. They must both be lovely people if he visits her and cares for her. Let’s hope your kids don’t leave you on your own when you need company.

RippleEffects · 18/10/2020 13:10

I don't feel comfortable having all parents here at once due to the covid risk and concerned about MIL being here because I commute to work and mix with a lot of people and my kids are still going to school.

This is the bit that resonates with me. Because I completely get the reasons why you've come to this conclusion. But, if you can fit them all in and we're allowed to have families together, I don't see that their risk to each other is very high.

Both sets are having very low external contact - you are the higher exposure family. You are no doubt intending to see both over the Christmas period, so is the risk really any less if its at the same time

WorraLiberty · 18/10/2020 13:20

My DM and Stepdad live about the same distance away as MIL but due to CV-19 we haven't seen them since August and only a couple of times before that since lockdown started

Why was that? Do none of you have a garden?

This will be the 3rd Xmas that I haven't had my DPs here

Also why is that? Do they not get on with your MIL?

Irishgurl · 18/10/2020 13:22

Why haven't you seen your parents since August? There has been time since then to see them at a social distance or outside. It is mid October now! Surely you have helped look after them and provided companionship for them in this time?

PurplePattern · 18/10/2020 13:24

YABU

Your DH has come up with a very reasonable compromise.

And from risk point of view what RipleEffect has said is 100% logical :

Both sets are having very low external contact - you are the higher exposure family. You are no doubt intending to see both over the Christmas period, so is the risk really any less if its at the same time

Either take DH up on his incredibly understanding compromise or have both sets of parents over.

mercutio12 · 18/10/2020 13:42

Obviously wouldn't work this year, but why have you never had your DPs round for Christmas as well as MIL?

dreamingofsun · 18/10/2020 13:43

or you spend christmas morning and lunch at home and then husband visits his mum for tea and you visit your mother for tea with the kids......assuming of course the grand parents want that

Derbee · 18/10/2020 13:44

If it was me, I would decide that as MIL is in our bubble, I could have my parents, and MIL for Christmas at the same time. As she is vulnerable,
I would give MIL the choice of if she wants to do that. If she doesn’t want to come over with your parents, then your DH can go over at some point in the day to spend some time with her. I don’t see the big dilemma to be honest

Couchbettato · 18/10/2020 13:53

Am I missing something to this story?

Is there a reason why you can't do half a day with MIL and half a day with your DP?

I mean, I get it's Christmas, but it sounds like the people in consideration are adults who don't live far away. Surely every one would understand this year that they can't all be seen together.

Alternatively the suggestion that every one else has made of seeing them on different days is perfectly reasonable.

ilikebooksandplants · 18/10/2020 13:53

This is absolutely appalling OP and I suspect you know it.

Your partners compromise is the only decent option if you can’t have everyone round at once.

I honestly don’t understand why people make such a fuss about this nonsense. It’s one day, but being alone on that day could feel fairly shitty (especially if you’re forced to spend it alone, and also have little in the way of control over your own social life the rest of the year). If you can avoid making someone you supposedly care about feel that way then why wouldn’t you?

Let your partner go to his mother’s and have another Christmas together on Boxing Day. And catch a grip of yourself.

Brunt0n · 18/10/2020 13:57

I can’t imagine leaving someone on their own on Christmas Day 😔

That is selfish. Your DH is trying to do the right thing here. How would you feel if your kids married someone who wouldn’t let them see you on Christmas day? Pretty shitty I bet

Sally872 · 18/10/2020 14:00

Leaving MIL alone on Christmas day is not an option. If dh goes to her or she comes to you it is the same risk. I would have altogether.

Sparkletastic · 18/10/2020 14:02

I'd either have them all over or do 2 Christmas days. MIL's day doesn't have to be 25th.

IseeIsee · 18/10/2020 14:07

Your DP has already come up with the solution or you can invite MIL over. Your DP surely won't be able to enjoy the day if his Mum is on her own?