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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my DPs for Xmas and not MIL

136 replies

Alcoholulater · 18/10/2020 11:33

DH is a SAHD and carer for my MIL. She lives alone and is in the extremely vulnerable group. We have an 8 and 4yo. DH sees MIL on avg 4 days a week and sometimes takes the kids if I'm working.

My DM and Stepdad live about the same distance away as MIL but due to CV-19 we haven't seen them since August and only a couple of times before that since lockdown started.

DM is disabled and pretty much housebound, stepdad is her carer.

This will be the 3rd Xmas that I haven't had my DPs here but MIL has been here every year as she is on her own. There is no one else she could spend Xmas with. DPs normally have my single DB with them.

My DM misses the kids terribly and I believe they are both suffering with depression due to lockdown etc.

Due to CV-19 it's unlikely DB will be able to come and we may not even be allowed to have any parents in the house anyway although not sure if we'll adhere to that.

I don't feel comfortable having all parents here at once due to the covid risk and concerned about MIL being here because I commute to work and mix with a lot of people and my kids are still going to school.

I don't know what is going to work out for the best. DH says he will have Xmas Dinner with us and then go and have another one with his mum. Selfishly I don't want him to leave us on the day. He used to work every Xmas day and it was horrible so I want him here.

Does anyone have any solutions??

OP posts:
Anydreamwilldo12 · 18/10/2020 14:08

Not nice leaving your MIL all alone on Xmas day, at least your parents will have each other.

caringcarer · 18/10/2020 14:13

If your MiL is on her own don't be mean invite her over and make a fuss of her. Have your do over on Boxing day and they can see their dgc then. You must know your DH will resent you if you make a fuss and don't invite his Mum over. One day you might be on your own at Xmas and hope to be invited to one of your DC homes.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 18/10/2020 14:24

so if you have your parents over, your brother will be on his own? - have you had that conversation with him?

Why not have your parents over for a couple of days/day that isn't Christmas day itself?

Benjispruce2 · 18/10/2020 14:33

Have them all.

ChronicallyCurious · 18/10/2020 14:36

Incredibly unfair and selfish to leave her alone on Xmas day.

Florencex · 18/10/2020 14:38

My solution would be for you to not be so utterly selfish and nasty.

You want to leave an extremely vulnerable and elderly woman on her own on Christmas Day because you won’t budge your own plans one iota.

Your husband has come up with alternatives, which are already a little mean (not his fault) but even that is not good enough and you will only be satisfied if she spends the day by herself solely.

Figgygal · 18/10/2020 14:43

You should have all of them are none of them

I could have mother-in-law home on her own on Christmas Day regardless of how often she sees your kids

LiveFromHome · 18/10/2020 14:44

This will be the 3rd Xmas that I haven't had my DPs here but MIL has been here every year as she is on her own.

But why? Why haven't you had your parents and MIL over?

Figgygal · 18/10/2020 14:44

Couldn’t have her on her own I meant

Trisolaris · 18/10/2020 14:45

My dp is an only child of divorced parents plus has a childless recently widowed aunt and my parents don’t live close by.

Our solution is Christmas Eve with his mum and aunt
Christmas Day just us
Boxing Day with his dad and stepmum
Then off to my family til New Years

In previous years we’ve tried to cram in everyone and have ended up not seeing each other and being miserable. Christmas Day is just one day - it has to be spread out!

Scarlettpixie · 18/10/2020 14:46

Mil is your bubble surely so there would be zero problem hosting both

The rule of 6 applies. OP could only host both at once if the total no of people is 6 or less.

CovidNightmare · 18/10/2020 14:47

Your dh is being very understanding having your parents over, your parents will see you, their dgc for the full day and your dh for part of the day. Now you are going to throw that all back in his face by being selfish? He isn't leaving you alone, he is leaving you with your parents and your children, but you want him to leave his dm alone?

Stop and actually think about the future, if your dh isn't there, you are old and vulnerable, and how you would feel if your dc left you alone all day on Xmas.

Funnyface1 · 18/10/2020 14:48

And Alcoholulater was never seen again...

nosswith · 18/10/2020 14:55

Perhaps the OP has decided that the DHs suggestion was a reasonable one. Hopefully.

wherethewavesarehighest · 18/10/2020 14:57

I'd probably have them all over at the same time.
If you really don't want to go that route then can his mum stay over on christmas eve, have breakfast and Christmas morning with you and then your family over in the afternoon? Your husband can have christmas dinner with his mum and everyone has had company on the day.

TheyreComingToGetYouBarbara · 18/10/2020 15:05

Your husband spending part of the day with his mother seems fair, if you don't want everyone at your house at the same time.

It might not be ideal, but he'll still be spending the majority of the day with you and the children.

The only other alternative I can see is for someone (MIL or your parents) to agree to celebrate on a different day, but if you husband isn't happy to leave his mother entirely alone on Christmas, that means your parents would have to be the ones to come another day.

Squiffany · 18/10/2020 15:18

OP: AIBU?

MN: 80% yes

OP: Never to be seen again.

DownThePlath · 18/10/2020 15:20

So, you're all going to sit eating your dinner happily, whilst knowing that she's sat alone? Very sad. Your DH has come up with a sensible solution. Don't be so selfish.

Watermelon999 · 18/10/2020 15:23

@Alcoholulater

DH is a SAHD and carer for my MIL. She lives alone and is in the extremely vulnerable group. We have an 8 and 4yo. DH sees MIL on avg 4 days a week and sometimes takes the kids if I'm working.

My DM and Stepdad live about the same distance away as MIL but due to CV-19 we haven't seen them since August and only a couple of times before that since lockdown started.

DM is disabled and pretty much housebound, stepdad is her carer.

This will be the 3rd Xmas that I haven't had my DPs here but MIL has been here every year as she is on her own. There is no one else she could spend Xmas with. DPs normally have my single DB with them.

My DM misses the kids terribly and I believe they are both suffering with depression due to lockdown etc.

Due to CV-19 it's unlikely DB will be able to come and we may not even be allowed to have any parents in the house anyway although not sure if we'll adhere to that.

I don't feel comfortable having all parents here at once due to the covid risk and concerned about MIL being here because I commute to work and mix with a lot of people and my kids are still going to school.

I don't know what is going to work out for the best. DH says he will have Xmas Dinner with us and then go and have another one with his mum. Selfishly I don't want him to leave us on the day. He used to work every Xmas day and it was horrible so I want him here.

Does anyone have any solutions??

@Alcoholulater

I presume you’re in a tier 1 area, as currently we cannot even think about plans for Christmas as we are tier 2? (Eg no household mixing). We don’t know what the rules will be by then, so no point worrying about it yet.

With respect, there are a few inconsistencies in your post.... which may indicate you are digging your heels in!

Why would you be concerned about mil coming if your dh and kids go there 4 x per week anyway? Is she not in your household bubble? Even if she is, there is still risk with you commuting and kids in school.

If you’re concerned about seeing your dp now because of covid, what would be different on Xmas day?

On reading this again I think this is a reverse post, am I right?

Original poster
Alcoholulater · 18/10/2020 17:00

Thanks for the responses Smile

To answer some questions:

  • DH doesn't want my DP round for Xmas dinner, excuse is covid but he'd probably have his mum here but I then countered about my parents so he said he'd go to her
  • we aren't allowed to go into other people's houses (Scotland) so haven't seen my parents as DM hasn't enjoyed sitting outside
  • my brother lives in a flat share miles away so he'd be fine on Xmas day
  • we've had MIL every year we've been together (9 years) as she's on her own and alternated with my mum and step dad and dad and step mum other years. Last year I wanted a Xmas not hosting and just our family unit so we didn't have either sets of my parents, just MIL
  • I have no issue with MIL! I normally do a lot for her too but haven't been since we are not allowed into other people's houses again

The way the rules are at the moment we are not having anyone in our house, especially not vulnerable family members. I don't know what will happen at Christmas with the guidelines but I feel terrible my parents haven't been here for what will be 3 years this year and they are struggling.

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 18/10/2020 17:01

I think it's a good compromise of him saying he'll be with you part of Xmas day and then see his mum for a bit.

And you could have your DP's over if he does that, couldn't you?

Original poster
Alcoholulater · 18/10/2020 17:03

No, not a reverse.

We haven't made an extended household bubble with MIL due to the risk from me going to work.

OP posts:
Terrace58 · 18/10/2020 17:04

If you take Covid out of the equation, it would be normal to split your time. We do Xmas Eve with one side and Xmas dinner with the other. Morning is just us at home. I had to get over dd opening some presents on Xmas eve, but it turns out that doesn’t diminish the joy of Xmas morning at all.

So spending time with both sides of the family should be the ideal. Start from there and adjust for whatever COVID brings.

Original poster
Alcoholulater · 18/10/2020 17:04

@SoulofanAggron That is actually workable!! I could get DPs over for a couple of hours while he goes to see his mum. I think that could be a winner!

OP posts:
Denny53 · 18/10/2020 17:32

@Cbeebiesismyworld

Have them all, that’ll still only be 5 adults in the house so within the (current) guidelines. Then no one misses out.
What about the children? The rule of 6 includes children in England