Page 6 | To want my DPs for Xmas and not MIL

Alcoholulater · 2020-10-18T10:33:17+00:00

DH is a SAHD and carer for my MIL. She lives alone and is in the extremely vulnerable group. We have an 8 and 4yo. DH sees MIL on avg 4 days a week and sometimes takes the kids if I'm working. My DM and Stepdad live about the same distance away as MIL but due to CV-19 we haven't seen them since August and only a couple of times before that since lockdown started. DM is disabled and pretty much housebound, stepdad is her carer. This will be the 3rd Xmas that I haven't had my DPs here but MIL has been here every year as she is on her own. There is no one else she could spend Xmas with. DPs normally have my single DB with them. My DM misses the kids terribly and I believe they are both suffering with depression due to lockdown etc. Due to CV-19 it's unlikely DB will be able to come and we may not even be allowed to have any parents in the house anyway although not sure if we'll adhere to that. I don't feel comfortable having all parents here at once due to the covid risk and concerned about MIL being here because I commute to work and mix with a lot of people and my kids are still going to school. I don't know what is going to work out for the best. DH says he will have Xmas Dinner with us and then go and have another one with his mum. Selfishly I don't want him to leave us on the day. He used to work every Xmas day and it was horrible so I want him here. Does anyone have any solutions??

StatisticalSense · 19/10/2020 21:18

The big difference that many aren't picking up on (either purposely or unintentionally), and therefore makes an argument that it isn't safe for the OPs parents to come round whilst not holding the same standards for his own mother, is that the OPs DH cannot avoid contact with his mother in the way that the OP can with her parents because he is acting as a carer for his mother whereas the OP only needs to see her parents for social reasons. When you are already caring for somebody the increased risk from them being in your house is much smaller than the level of risk attached to being in the house of somebody who you otherwise wouldn't need to have in person contact with.

CatterySlave1 · 19/10/2020 22:13

Ok I’ll be very unpopular here but what is so magical about 1 day that people feel obliged to risk others lives for? Because this virus kills!! The virus is spreading and getting worse so unless it’s dramatically reduced very soon, Christmas will be very risky and odd. So for 1 day people want to ignore all rules and make the spread worse? Let me just share a story of a neighbour who’d been shielding but turned 90 during the pandemic and her family couldn’t stay away. Too important not to mark the occasion apparently. Except one of the numerous family members was asymptomatic and 3 weeks later they were arguing about who could attend her funeral. Is it worth it?

scubadive · 19/10/2020 23:42

You should have them all or let DH have two dinners as he’s suggested.

You can’t seriously be suggesting your MIL spends Xmas on her own while you are all together and your DH who is her carer can’t go and see her are you?

Antipodeancousin · 19/10/2020 23:58

I would invite them all and let them make up their own minds RE the risk. You’re seeing all these people on a regular basis anyway so I doubt the arbitrary rule of six is especially protective for them.
If I was ‘extremely vulnerable’ I would personally rather get on with enjoying my life and my few remaining Christmases. As a previous poster mentioned, no one implementing these rules will be following them anyway.

DressingGownofDoom · 20/10/2020 00:04

@CatterySlave1

Ok I’ll be very unpopular here but what is so magical about 1 day that people feel obliged to risk others lives for? Because this virus kills!! The virus is spreading and getting worse so unless it’s dramatically reduced very soon, Christmas will be very risky and odd. So for 1 day people want to ignore all rules and make the spread worse? Let me just share a story of a neighbour who’d been shielding but turned 90 during the pandemic and her family couldn’t stay away. Too important not to mark the occasion apparently. Except one of the numerous family members was asymptomatic and 3 weeks later they were arguing about who could attend her funeral. Is it worth it?

Are you one of those people who hasn't left their front garden since March?

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 20/10/2020 07:18

@CatterySlave1

Ok I’ll be very unpopular here but what is so magical about 1 day that people feel obliged to risk others lives for? Because this virus kills!! The virus is spreading and getting worse so unless it’s dramatically reduced very soon, Christmas will be very risky and odd. So for 1 day people want to ignore all rules and make the spread worse? Let me just share a story of a neighbour who’d been shielding but turned 90 during the pandemic and her family couldn’t stay away. Too important not to mark the occasion apparently. Except one of the numerous family members was asymptomatic and 3 weeks later they were arguing about who could attend her funeral. Is it worth it?

Isn’t there a 99.9% survival rate?

Watermelon999 · 20/10/2020 07:26

@CatterySlave1

Ok I’ll be very unpopular here but what is so magical about 1 day that people feel obliged to risk others lives for? Because this virus kills!! The virus is spreading and getting worse so unless it’s dramatically reduced very soon, Christmas will be very risky and odd. So for 1 day people want to ignore all rules and make the spread worse? Let me just share a story of a neighbour who’d been shielding but turned 90 during the pandemic and her family couldn’t stay away. Too important not to mark the occasion apparently. Except one of the numerous family members was asymptomatic and 3 weeks later they were arguing about who could attend her funeral. Is it worth it?

Not unpopular with me @CatterySlave1, I completely agree with you, but it seems we are in the minority.....

You are right but others don’t want to hear this as it messes with their plans, they’d rather ignore it and pretend everything is ok, which it probably will be unless they’re the unlucky one. But this will happen.

joystir59 · 20/10/2020 07:29

I would have all the parents round and forget the rules.

XiCi · 20/10/2020 07:46

Let me just share a story of a neighbour who’d been shielding but turned 90 during the pandemic and her family couldn’t stay away. Too important not to mark the occasion apparently
I imagine that 90 year old knew the risks and wanted her family there , I know I would. Let's face it your 90th birthday is likely to he your last hurrah! I'm in touch with a number of elderly people who now see noone as they cant get out to their usual social groups and have been told categorically by 2 of them that they would rather be dead. Its heartbreaking. Not a chance in hell I'd leave my mother on her own in the house on Christmas day and she wouldnt want that either.

GabsAlot · 20/10/2020 11:38

does it matter if your dh goes there everyday anyway-hes living with you then could pass anything on to his dm so you might aswell have them all over

bumblingbovine49 · 22/10/2020 08:13

@Dreading2020sSeasonFinale

Break the rules and take the risk. And I say that as someone who has followed every rule, stayed indoors, washed down shopping, disinfected my letterbox and gate daily for deliveries (early on during the crisis). I have been really, really cautious (DH is vulnerable)

Have everyone over for Christmas. I can understand alternating Christmases with different parents but you know your MIL has no other options. She has no company at all. No partner to spend the day with and you want your DH home. I just don't think it's possible. I'd feel awful.

This. I'd even invite your DB if he is on his own. That makes 8 so hardly a massive gathering.

Also why is it ok to have your parents round but not your MIL?