Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my DPs for Xmas and not MIL

136 replies

Alcoholulater · 18/10/2020 11:33

DH is a SAHD and carer for my MIL. She lives alone and is in the extremely vulnerable group. We have an 8 and 4yo. DH sees MIL on avg 4 days a week and sometimes takes the kids if I'm working.

My DM and Stepdad live about the same distance away as MIL but due to CV-19 we haven't seen them since August and only a couple of times before that since lockdown started.

DM is disabled and pretty much housebound, stepdad is her carer.

This will be the 3rd Xmas that I haven't had my DPs here but MIL has been here every year as she is on her own. There is no one else she could spend Xmas with. DPs normally have my single DB with them.

My DM misses the kids terribly and I believe they are both suffering with depression due to lockdown etc.

Due to CV-19 it's unlikely DB will be able to come and we may not even be allowed to have any parents in the house anyway although not sure if we'll adhere to that.

I don't feel comfortable having all parents here at once due to the covid risk and concerned about MIL being here because I commute to work and mix with a lot of people and my kids are still going to school.

I don't know what is going to work out for the best. DH says he will have Xmas Dinner with us and then go and have another one with his mum. Selfishly I don't want him to leave us on the day. He used to work every Xmas day and it was horrible so I want him here.

Does anyone have any solutions??

OP posts:
MsStillwell · 18/10/2020 12:07

So, what do you actually want? If you wave a magic wand and have just what you want, with no obligations, what would it be?

QueenofLean · 18/10/2020 12:08

So you don’t want your MIL at yours and you won’t accept his compromise of him spending part of the day with you and part with her... so effectively you’re happy for your MIL to spend the whole day alone so you can have the day exactly how you want it?
And you’re wondering if you’re being selfish? Confused

cherrybun01 · 18/10/2020 12:08

I'm confused why you're concerned about your MIL being round on christmas day because of your children being at school when you've said that your partner takes them with him sometimes?

honestly, I think you either have them all or you accept your partners compromise. I'd be really cross if my partner made me feel guilty for going to see my mum on xmas day who was on her own and frankly, I would tell you to do one.

Essex16 · 18/10/2020 12:10

You should have them both. I don’t think the Covid aspect is an issue, DH is already carer to MIL so risk is already there. If you are worried of covid exposure to MIL then you should be worried about giving it to your DP too....

Toebarb · 18/10/2020 12:10

YANBU to want to see your parents but I think your DH's solution is a reasonable compromise in the circumstances.

chatwoo · 18/10/2020 12:12

Your DH solution is perfectly sensible - and understandably he doesn't want HIS mum being on her own all Xmas day.

Savemyusername01 · 18/10/2020 12:15

It’s not fair that you are saying your husband can’t even visit his own mother on Christmas Day.

ILikeTrains · 18/10/2020 12:16

Fast forward yourself forty years. Would you be happy to be alone all day on Christmas day because your adult children have partners that don't want to share the day.

You know what your options are, so do what's right.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 18/10/2020 12:18

"I don't feel comfortable having all parents here at once due to the covid risk and concerned about MIL being here because I commute to work and mix with a lot of people and my kids are still going to school."

Surely these same risks apply to your parents? Why have you not been seeing them. Why will you see them on Xmas day but only since August since lockdown? If you're concerned about their mental health go and see them now!

It may well all be a moot point by Xmas.

ivykaty44 · 18/10/2020 12:19

Id have a big celebration with my family on Christmas Eve, presents after a roast dinner etc

then on xmas day have a celebration with the other parents

we have to make the most of Christmas and think about ways of doing things differently to compromise

Tattoocrazymum · 18/10/2020 12:20

Yes you are incredibly selfish.
If my mum was on her own Christmas day i would feel heartbroken for her.
How would you feel if it was your mum?
Your DH should be allowed to visit his mum Christmas day without you making him feel like he should prioritise you

Dominicgoings · 18/10/2020 12:22

Any solutions?

Yeah stop being a selfish brat.

BabyItsAWildWorld · 18/10/2020 12:23

Just have them all to you.

And try to have a lovely time.

Nottherealslimshady · 18/10/2020 12:24

I think it's fair for your parents to come this year and DH go visit his mum for a few hours. It's not fair that your parents always miss out seeing the kids because MIL takes priority.

YouLikeTheBadOnesToo · 18/10/2020 12:26

To be honest, I’d have both sets of parents. You’ve already said you’re probably not going to adhere to the guidelines anyway.

The kids are irrelevant, since your husband takes them to his mum’s house anyway. Your mum is housebound, and it doesn’t sound like mil is our galavanting, so it’s highly unlikely they’re going to pass it to one another.

Failing like, I think your dh’s suggestion is perfectly reasonable. He’s not kicking up a fuss about your parents coming, he just doesn’t want to leave his mum alone for the full day. Would you think it was reasonable to leave your mother entirely on her own on Xmas day, if your husband asked you to?

81Byerley · 18/10/2020 12:26

In your position I'd have your parents over on Boxing day. We used to do this when our kids were young. In fact we'd have a pretend Christmas the weekend about a week/10 days before, with my parents, Christmas day by ourselves, then another Christmas at the in laws, when all the family came and we did presents, and Mum in law would have cold turkey ham salad etc. My kids LOVED it! Three Christmases in their minds. (So did we!!)

Oly4 · 18/10/2020 12:26

You can’t leave MIL alone on Christmas Day, come on, that is a dreadful thing to do.
Your DH has a good solution to all this, he will only be gone a few hours.
Where is your brother going to go?

Scarlettpixie · 18/10/2020 12:26

Yabu. My solution would be to have his mum over on xmas day and your parents on boxing day. In normal times I would have them all at once. Presumably his mum is classed as being in your household bubble so as the rules stand she can come even if household mixing is banned in your area.

You would be selfish yes to leave mil on her own on xmas day. You parents have each other and can come another day for a repeat of xmas day if that is what you all want.

Ihatefish · 18/10/2020 12:27

So you’re willing to break the rules if you presumably get put in tier 2 So your parents can come over but not to have 7 rather than 6 so you can have your MIL?

Why’s that? It sounds like it’s some sort of control thing to me. I’m not sure why you think it’s ok to leave MIL alone? Are you trying to make a point over how much your DH has seen him mum over lock down whereas you haven’t seen your mum and dad. It’s understandable you’re upset, but it’s not the fault of your DH or MIL -it’s just the luck of the drawer

Lemonyfuckit · 18/10/2020 12:27

I haven't had Christmas with my DP since we've been together as his DM is elderly, lives a very long way away and there is only a single bed in 'his' room in her small house so the two of us wouldn't easily fit. I go to my parents for a week and he goes up to visit her for the week (we don't have children yet so this still works), and catches up with old school friends etc that he doesn't see very often. Whilst it would be nice for us to spend Christmas together I wouldn't dream of leaving her by herself for Christmas. This year will be tricky due to Covid, but hopefully we'll be able to do the same - even more important this year as she's been so isolated. I'm surprised you appear to want your MIL - who presumably similarly has seen even less of people this year, to be by herself.

Cloudybean · 18/10/2020 12:29

I agree with others that it's too early to know what the 'rules' will be yet, but you are being selfish. Your MIL would be on her own, but also your DH has offered a solution but you're also unhappy with that- I feel bad for him. Similarly though it's not unreasonable to want to see your parents, can you do Christmas Eve or boxing day? Or try and make it so that you see them more regularly? I think that's more of an issue than just Christmas day itself.

Cbeebiesismyworld · 18/10/2020 12:31

Have them all, that’ll still only be 5 adults in the house so within the (current) guidelines. Then no one misses out.

Notthetoothfairy · 18/10/2020 12:31

I agree with PPs who point out that DH and the kids already regularly see MIL so are unlikely to suddenly become contagious on Christmas Day only. If MIL and DM are both shielding, then they are unlikely to have it to pass it to each other and either could get it from you and the kids.

The only sensible thing to do is a nice family Christmas with all of them together, unless they really don’t get on. Otherwise, you will have to split the day. One day, DM and MIL won’t be here, so you should appreciate them and understand that spending time with family at Christmas is important to them.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 18/10/2020 12:31

I’d do it all together, but that’s just me.

MsSquiz · 18/10/2020 12:33

@Cbeebiesismyworld not if OP is in England as kids are included in the numbers so it would be 1 over "the rule of 6"

I think your DH's suggestion is the most sensible and makes sure no one is alone all day