To think it is neglectful to let your child get overweight

[jackson14478]

If you cannot provide your child with basic nutrition, a balanced diet and enough exercise, would you say it's child neglect?

I know for a fact that low income/benefits families can feed their children a healthy diet at a similar cost to an unhealthy one. I've done it and so have friends.

Letting your child become grossly overweight through no fault of their own is not responding to their basic needs

The point of saying that some children are overweight because they have a condition, an illness, or mental health troubles is not to try and say that all children who are overweight are subject to this. The point is that you can't tell by looking which children it applies to so you should mind your own business and keep your judgement to yourself, the child's weight is between the parents and any professionals that might be involved.

It is tantamount to abuse. When I grew up in the 60's it was difficult to find a fat child in my school, there were around 2 that I knew of.
I was a child prone to putting on weight, I was never fat because my mother made sure I didn't eat things that made me fat, we ate mothing pre-packaged because this was the 60's and just made do with fresh food, we were dirt poor so we ate very small amounts.
I went out and played all day with my friends (in London) and ran everywhere.
Now I look around and there are fat children everywhere - really fat, they sit at home in front of screens and eat huge amounts I'd never have been able to eat in the 60's, pizza, carb rich diets, crisps, sweets.
If you feed a child cheap ready made food they will get fat, of course poverty is an issue but it is possible to feed your family making homemade food.
The diet of people in 2020 is dreadful, way too much crap and enormous portions and nobody is moving.

TisConfusion This is very common where only one child is over weight yet on the same diet and portions as their sibling. If no underlying conditions this is usually due to metabolism and how we're all different. One child's metabolism may be slower than the other which leaves more calories left over for storage. Small things can be done to counteract that like having that child do a little more activity to burn off the same amount of calories as the others.

As they reach puberty many of their metabolisms slow down for a short period. Which is normal.

I went out and played all day with my friends (in London) and ran everywhere

I think this is one if the things missing.

When I was a kid it was normal to be out all day climbing trees and walking miles round fields and streams etc you just had to "check in" every now and then and come in when you were called for dinner.

Now we see threads on MN about 9 year olds playing out and whether or not they should call SS.

As a result kids are becoming incapable tbh. They don't walk to school as much any more even if local they get driven.

Going to the park is dependent on whether parents have time to take them ( difficult with baby siblings and work and homes to run etc )

I dont think kids have the conflict resolution skills as a result which also leads to trust issues with regards to playing out.

We then expect them.at age 11 having had so little freedom to be able to make their own way to school and behave appropriately.

When you look at the admissions records fir schools and see the distances that kids were admitted from are a mile or less then where are all the cars from? Why do you need a car to travel less than a mile?

Its actually quite ironic that whilst not allowing kids to play out as they are "too young" they sit at home playing computer games with 12 and 15 ratings...

@Gancanny

The point of saying that some children are overweight because they have a condition, an illness, or mental health troubles is not to try and say that all children who are overweight are subject to this. The point is that you can't tell by looking which children it applies to so you should mind your own business and keep your judgement to yourself, the child's weight is between the parents and any professionals that might be involved.

I should hope people do that anyway, discussing it on a forum and approaching individuals to criticise are two entirely different things.

Honestly it's not hard. The vast majority of children have no underlying conditions that lead to obesity. Obesity Is much more prevalent than the prevalence of these underlying conditions. The vast majority are being inadequately fed by their family. Many of whom are also obese. Family's need to take responsibility for their children - even those with underlying conditions that make them more susceptible to weight gain.

I have 5 children. 4 are on the skinny side of normal. One is on the chubby side (but still a normal weight). The chubby one is greedy. He talks about food continually. He always finishes his dinner. When asked what he wanted for Christmas the top three items were edible. He's been known to try and eat popcorn off the floor at the cinema.

He's not overweight because my dh and I work very hard on his diet and don't give in to his almost constant demands. He had steroids for a year for a medical condition and I suspect that is what has caused his attitude to food to be different. I have an even bigger responsibility to him to help him keep his weight in check than for my children that find regulating their appetite easy.

Also, healthy food is still often more expensive unfortunately. Often people forget that poverty can be quite complex. I’ve known several people who had only a microwave (no cooker/hob) and no fridge/freezer in their accommodation. That’s limiting, especially if you haven’t grown up in a family who’ve shown you how to cook meals in a microwave. Alongside that, there is the issue of what is and isn’t available cheaply. What people often fail to remember is that sometimes there are healthy cheap options on the shelves, but that when these go out of stock, some people do not have the money to just buy the branded alternative. Often food bank packages will need long life food. Tinned and packet stuff have higher salt and sugar. If someone has no freezer or fridge, they cannot have frozen veg. They may have tinned veg, but this does only stretch so far. There also is often a focus for those in poverty on calories/filling food and cost, if I know my bread will go off by next week or run out, I’m likely to buy a 13p packet of biscuits and give my children that for breakfast. People take certain things for granted without breaking down cost, but when you’re living on pittance a week, you may not have money for cooking oil or butter alongside ingredients for a meal as well. Poverty and obesity are linked, so in that case it is not parental neglect, it’s about other issues like reasons behind the rise in food bank use, the number of children in poverty in the U.K., the capitalist market etc. I thought Jack Monroe did well addressing this and I’d like to see a wider charity focus in teaching people how to cook on a very small budget.

Obviously, this isn’t taking MH factors into account or anything else. The reality is neglect is where a parent does not prioritise the child’s needs or health above their own desires/wants. This isn’t applied where life prevents them from doing so (eg, poverty) though poverty still takes away from the child. So, if a parent feeds junk food or overfeeds calories out of laziness and has been warned about the health issues but ignores those warnings, that’s neglectful. If a parent can’t process the risks, is prevented from feeding healthy food or providing exercise, isn’t the one who’s causing the obesity (child secret eating or physical health issue) and so on, then no it isn’t neglect.

Eating healthily can be more expensive than eating healthily but even if you are eating unhealthily you dont have to consume (or feed your child) excess calories.

True, but it’s not always that simple. For example, free school meals can sometimes be very high calorie and allow second helpings (not in full control as parent). Equally, malnutrition and small portions of high cal food can make children feel hungry despite eating extra calories. If children sometimes skip meals, they sometimes slow their metabolism or tend to gorge when they do get food. Obviously, there’s lots of things that can feed into it, but it isn’t as black and white as it appears.

I think saying just overweight is harsh - maybe you should be more looking at malnutrition. There are many reasons why someone can be overweight - including just having a body type that doesn't work well with typical BMI measurements. My 9 yr old daughter is overweight, and pretty much always has been. She eats a very healthy, balanced diet, and has a really good relationship with food (no comfort eating). She is also really active. I suspect that she consistently overeats slightly, and this is why her weight has been creeping up - I remember reading somewhere that consistently overeating by 100 calories a day can result in a weight gain of nearly a stone a year. Things escalated last year, because she started a new afterschool club, and they allow unlimited heathy snacks, so it became difficult to track exactly what she had been eating. In her case, its not a problem of quality (she only drinks water, we don't have snacks at home, although do a little baking here and there, and sweets only on Fridays.), but quantity. Anyhow, she went from "chunky" to very definitely overweight, but it was very hard to address, as we didn't have total knowledge of what she was eating. Lockdown worked well for us, as I was able to track her food intake (and tweak it slowly), plus drag her out for daily exercise (no difficulty in getting her outside, but I wanted to maximise our exercise time with running / cycling). Since then, she has put on no weight this year, even though she has grown several cms. However, I don't want her to know that she is overweight, and I don't want to mess with her good relationship with food. She is suspected to have ASD, and doesn't know when she is full, plus loves the sensation of eating (especially crunchy things), so doesn't naturally self-regulate her intake.

None of this is easy though. It's different for all children - some do put on weight very easily, and have no off switch when it comes to eating. However, having a good relationship with food is so important, and finding a balance between providing a good diet, and not constantly saying "no" to a child who is complaining that they are hungry is difficult. Especially when they are just as happy to eat another apple or a stack of carrots! Feeling constantly deprived will not teach self control - I mean, we know this from most people's experiences with dieting. I also have another child who is at the lower end of normal weight. He does regulate his eating - some days he will eat very little, and other days he eats like a horse. If he were my only child, then maybe I would share some of the opinions on here that it is easy to maintain a child's weight, and that it takes a really bad diet for them to put on weight. The irony is that he has a far more limited diet, and does less exercise than my daughter, so she is probably far more healthy than he is, but she would be the one that people would be more likely to judge.

The levels of delusion on this thread are unreal.

But I suppose as the overweight are becoming/have become? the majority all authentic debate will be sidelined now.

I wouldn't wish it on my nearest and dearest. Especially the vulnerable, especially children.

Asthmatic kids often put on weight due to steroids. Increases appetite vicious circle as bullying kicks in from judgemental offspring of the likes of you. Child seeks solace in food despite continuous best efforts of parents. What disgusts me is kids displaying cruelty which reflects learnt behaviours from unpleasant folk such as yourself. You must be so proud.

My dn is 8 and very overweight. She has no underlying health conditions. She is overweight because she eats too much processed food. Her diet is mostly carb based. Her parents are both overweight although on paper you wouldn't think they had a bad diet because our perception of what is healthy and the portions we eat are skewed.
We have completely normalised shit food. It's acceptable to have crisps and chocolate everyday. You walk into a supermarket and the first 10 metres are filled with junk food on offer and yet 3 metres away you pay £2.75 for 6 pink lady apples. We're made to believe that everyone is eating this crap. Every garage you go into is filled with fizzy drinks, chocolate, sweets and crisps. There is no healthy alternative on offer.
Yes you can cook cheaply and healthily but man it can be boring when you're on a budget and/or you have a large family to feed.
I still think it's terrible that my dn is so overweight and I think it is irresponsible but I also think it is a very easy path to find yourself on.

@Aloneagainornot

Asthmatic kids often put on weight due to steroids. Increases appetite vicious circle as bullying kicks in from judgemental offspring of the likes of you. Child seeks solace in food despite continuous best efforts of parents. What disgusts me is kids displaying cruelty which reflects learnt behaviours from unpleasant folk such as yourself. You must be so proud.

You’re just making up hysterical rubbish now 🙄

@RonObvious I totally agree with everything you have said. My DD is the one who has a weight problem. She doesn't eat rubbish (she doesn't even like crisps and fizzy drinks) we don't have takeaways and i cook healthy meals from scratch, yet it's a constant battle to keep her within healthy weight guidelines. I'm not overweight, neither is her dad; she is just the way she is. I do feel judged for her weight, but I can assure you I am on it! Her cousin is very slim and eats a very poor diet. I find it infuriating that he eats so badly but doesn't put on weight.

I see pics on social media of kids out with parents having treats scoffing huge desserts, ice creams and milk shakes, fast food, etc all the kids are slim. We don't do ANY of that and yet struggle with weight. I don't really know what else to do - but I can assure you I am not neglectful!

@ittooshallpass your post really reminds me off my dn’s situation. My sil always did the same as you - home cooked food, not much junk at all and always used to say similar about other kids eating lots of junk and remaining slim. It’s not fair and I do believe some people are more prone to putting on weight more easily. My dn is now much slimmer due to cutting right down on bread and bread products. It seemed to have made a big difference. I just thought I’d share that if it’s any help.

Tbh OP I agree with you. I struggle to understand how and why parents can let their children become obese (except of course in the instance of the child having a disability).
With shops like Lidl and Aldi there is absolutely no excuse to not buy fresh fruit and veg. It is quite alarming the amount of overweight children there are. It's sad really - children should be running around outside and playing on their bikes, not plonked in front of the TV shovelling in crisps.

And yet I am called “controlling” and “giving my girls eating disorders” 🙄 earlier on this thread for silently retaining smaller plates for my girls to keep a handle on portion control 🙄🙄. Don’t even mention it we eat a normal healthy diet. Unlike about a third of their peers they are not overweight.

The above two posters (it too and Ron) illustrate how easy it is to have an overweight child even with a good diet and thoughtful parents.

I don't know if my being overweight as a child was my parent's fault. This thread has got me thinking about it.
Aged 7 (&slim) I moved schools. I was a very shy child but happy at school and this new one was just too much for me I think. It was much bigger and terrifying. That sounds ridiculous now obviously but I was so scared and darent speak to anyone.

I'm an only child. I was petrified of my dad who was very loud and shouted a lot, although me and my mum were/are great she worked a lot. When she worked I went home to my dad, or to either an after school facility or my grandmothers.
My grandmother had no idea of portion control, perhaps typically but even as a 8/9 year old I remember being shocked that she'd give me a whole greasy cheesy pizza to myself. I was there 2 nights a week for about 3 hrs and mostly the time was involving eating. She had a sweet tin that was ever replenished.

When at home,being so scared of my dad I'd go up straight to my room and emerge when hungry and just grab whatever, from what I remember. I loved sweets and chocolate, they were rarely in the house though and I used to often binge on bread instead if confectionery wasn't available. Sometimes I'd go to the shop and buy several bars of chocolare.
I was bullied for many reasons including being fat. Aged ten I weighed ten stone. Not enormous, but I'm only 5'3 now so can't have been tall then.

It became a 'thing' in the family about my weight. My mum went on at me about it a lot and said things such as 'you used to be thin as a rail!' My grandfather called me "my fat granddaughter"

I was so unhappy. Eventually my parents listened to my grandparents and I was moved schools again and things became easier. But as a teen I was overweight and worked on a starve/binge basis until I eventually became anorexic or borderline aged 15.

As an adult my weight fluctuated as I think I just had no idea how to navigate food.

Thankfully, inlate thirties I am fit, healthy and toned. I still have a slightly warped relationship with food however. I struggle eating in front of others although I've got that a lot better than it was. I still watch my weight.
I can truly relate to the poster above who said they felt their weight as a young person robbed them of rights of passage. Being a teen was miserable. I love looking good now and somewhat relive my youth often told I dress too young for my age. But I dont care at all.
Id binge a lot on food.

Sorry, no idea where that last sentence came from!

I must add as a young adult I ended up in a lot of abusive relationships too. I was so self concious about my body and would put up with any behavior from partners ad i didn't know I deserved better. It takes a long time to unpick. It stopped me from developing properly. But again, I'm not sure my parents were neglectful.

"And yet I am called “controlling” and “giving my girls eating disorders” 🙄 earlier on this thread for silently retaining smaller plates for my girls to keep a handle on portion control 🙄🙄. Don’t even mention it we eat a normal healthy diet. Unlike about a third of their peers they are not overweight."

How would you feel if any of your daughters were ever no longer "beautifully slim", as you put it? Your idea of portion control is to engineer their small appetites by feeding them no more than you can get on a small breakfast plate; that isn't normal. But whatever, as long as they don't end up like their greedy friends.

I think seeing all 3 of us have normal bmi and zero food issues that my portions are spot on actually.

Why is it not “controlling” to give larger portions? Exactly the same thing as I am doing except end result an overweight child!

Their friends aren’t greedy - how rude. Their friends are given larger portions though so they have got used to that and several are now noticeably overweight as they are eating more than they can burn off.

Yeh ok.