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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like there are fewer and fewer mums on Mumsnet?

195 replies

changerr · 16/10/2020 13:31

Sooo many threads are full of people who either:

  1. Have no children and don't want children
  2. Are men

Or maybe it's just my imagination.....? (and before I get flamed, obviously everyone is welcome)

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 17/10/2020 17:16

@SecretSpAD. I think MN started out as a safe space to vent about family life, but it’s less so now! The truth is that life can be crap at times, children can be difficult to deal with, etc. and people need advice and reassurance that it’ll get better/advice on how to tackle problems.

It’s often easier to vent anonymously than tell RL friends that you’re struggling and fed-up. I don’t think it would be helpful for someone to say, we’ll, I’m child free and you shouldn’t have had children, that doesn’t help anyone.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 17/10/2020 17:17

Offering constructive advice, however, is helpful. Doesn’t matter who the poster is!

SecretSpAD · 17/10/2020 17:19

@AmICrazyorWhat2 I quite agree that comments like that aren't helpful...they are like those equally annoying posters who come onto threads in relationships to tell the OP that their husband would never do that, people who helpfully ask the OP why she had kids with her husband who's being a dick and all manner of goady fuckers on here.

Hopoindown31 · 17/10/2020 17:21

I still think that mothers (including those with adult children) are the significant majority of posters on MN.

Antirrhinum · 17/10/2020 18:43

I believe, and I could be wrong, that there are users on here who genuinely think that child-free by choice people shouldn't be posting here, whether male or female. I doubt they'd say that though. I don't comment on anything to do with child rearing, I'm not interested and it's not my place, and I stick to subjects that aren't exclusive to mothers parents, but I'm sure there are some who would rather I wasn't a member.

Likeafriendivealwaysknown · 17/10/2020 18:57

The thing is all these comments saying ‘you wouldn’t go onto a horse owners forum’ or a ‘bodybuilders forum’ are missing the point that this is not a site for parents or mums anymore. Maybe it was at the very start but it’s not anymore. So whether you are a mum or not is irrelevant.

Only 2 out of the 27 topics on this forum are anything to do with parenting. And if you were to contact MNHQ (and they often have to step in on these types of threads where those who don’t fit the stereotype poster that female mother posters are looking for and they start being nasty to them) they will say this is not a site for mothers only and that all posters are welcome.

So if the people who own and run the site say it’s not just for mothers why do we keep seeing female mothers posting these kinds of goady threads.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 17/10/2020 18:59

I would go to body builder's forum if they had non body building related sections. Why wouldn't I?
I don't need to be a body builder to read threads about tantrums over parking😁

SchrodingersImmigrant · 17/10/2020 19:01

Also, I am pretty sure that 99.9% of non parents don't go into parent's sections. Aibu is about everything and anything. It's not whole Mumsnet, but many sound like it is.

IdkickJilliansass · 17/10/2020 19:29

Some massive drama queens and kings on this thread! Waah I’ll just leave then 🤦🏼‍♀️ Nowhere does the OP say that.

GoldenOmber · 17/10/2020 19:41

The thing is all these comments saying ‘you wouldn’t go onto a horse owners forum’ or a ‘bodybuilders forum’ are missing the point that this is not a site for parents or mums anymore.

Wait what? That doesn’t make sense. Why would you think BodyBuildersNet was just for bodybuilders, if it had topics that weren’t about bodybuilding, but MumsNet wasn’t just for mums because it wasn’t all about parenting?

And besides, what I said was that I would go on BodyBuildersNet or HorseOwnersNet or whatever if they had a really great politics or hiking or health board. I just wouldn’t then get all huffy about it if someone said “more non-bodybuilders are on here these days.”

Halloweenies · 17/10/2020 19:43

Forums specifically for childfree people always have parents talking about how amazing their life is now, they've never loved so much, they're no longer selfish, childfree people will die lonely, aren't real women, will never find love, will die old and alone and they (the parents) will laugh, childfree people are materialistic and only care about money, they should only live in one bedroom flats and on and on.

Forums for childless people are full of parents telling them 'I struggled for two months to get pregnant, one night I was tipsy and relaxed and got pregnant, have you tried just relaxing?'.

Forums for parents who regret having kids are full of parent telling them they're disgusting and they love their kids and so do all normal people so there must be something wrong with them.

When someone asks what iPhone to get, people pile on about how they should get an android. Happens the other way around too.

People ask advice about a vegan diet and people pile on and tell them they need meat. People ask how much others spend on alcohol and people tell them they never drink and how they shouldn't either.

Basically a lot of people go to places that are the opposite of who they are and give their opinion. Welcome to the Internet!

Also lots of childfree and childless people on MN are teachers, doctors, nurses, specialists, whatever and so might be able to advise on children. Like supernanny, no kids but loads of parents want her help!

AlCalavicci · 17/10/2020 19:48

I dont have any DCs , I found this site whem I was looking for somewhere to get advices and rant at the unfairness of like when my very much loved DH died .
The support that I got was fantastic , nonjudgemental and lots of good sound pratical advice . I would of really struggled without the help of some very kind men and women on here

FTMF30 · 17/10/2020 19:53

Only 2 out of the 27 topics on this forum are anything to do with parenting.
Parents aren't solely interested in posting parent-specific things. We are regular, everyday people outside of parenting.

So if the people who own and run the site say it’s not just for mothers why do we keep seeing female mothers posting these kinds of goady threads.
So many people are getting offended and jumping to conclusions. I've not come across anyone saying the site is only for mums but it IS aimed at mums. The name of the website, it's slogan and most of its content (not just the forum) alludes to this. What people are meaning when they bring up the fact that it is in fact aimed at mums is that there is a growing number of people (who aren't mums) posting on threads saying how shit being a mum would be, that they're glad they don't have children as it would ruin their lives, they would hate the changes to their body post pregnancy, etc. This is rude and unhelpful on a forum (and especially posts) where someone needs solidarity, solace or encouragement. What is not needed is useless comments that are pretty malicious. It's fine to post on here if you are childfree and it's fine to mention that you are childfree, but some on here seem to:
a) lack social intelligence as they apparently don't realise such comments are unhelpful
b)lack basic comprehension as no one has said childfree people aren't "allowed" to post on the forum.

Halloweenies · 17/10/2020 19:57

Honestly I think it's a bit of 'backlash' so many childfree people have been dumped by friends, disowned by family, told to kill themselves and had rape threats from strangers and are regularly told awful things like their lives are worthless that maybe the ones who have had bad experiences want to 'get their own back'. Its not right and it is annoying but childfree people on MN rarely say anything that the parents on MN don't so maybe they don't think they're doing anything wrong.

It's a shame people can't just be accepting of each others choices and give empathy where it is needed but that'll never happen.

Likeafriendivealwaysknown · 17/10/2020 20:01

@FTMF30 What is not needed is useless comments that are pretty malicious.

I would say that right back to the mothers on this forum. Some of the most horrific comments I’ve ever seen on mumsnet have been in threads about infertility.

Original poster
changerr · 17/10/2020 20:08

So if the people who own and run the site say it’s not just for mothers why do we keep seeing female mothers posting these kinds of goady threads

Goady thread - wtf? Go back and read my OP.

And what's with the "female mothers" - wtf again.

OP posts:
FTMF30 · 17/10/2020 20:09

@Likeafriendivealwaysknown I haven't seen it myself as I don't tend to go on those threads. If that's the case, I absolutely agree but one set of bad behaviour does not justify another. Some comments could be passed of as accidentally putting your foot in your mouth but others are clearly vindictive. It needsto stop at every angle.

Haenow · 17/10/2020 20:21

In the 10 years I’ve been here, some of the nastiest and most tone deaf posts I’ve seen have come from people who claim to be mothers. This is especially true on threads discussing issues surrounding adults or children with additional needs.

Fionasmammy · 17/10/2020 20:23

By parents for parents. Can't we have one good thing for ourselves?! 🙄

Haenow · 17/10/2020 20:24

@Fionasmammy

By parents for parents. Can't we have one good thing for ourselves?! 🙄
@Fionasmammy

I’m a parent and couldn’t disagree me. I don’t identify solely by my offspring. Wink There’s more to me and my life.

Fionasmammy · 17/10/2020 20:24

Female mothers? Are there male mothers?

Halloweenies · 17/10/2020 20:27

@Fionasmammy

By parents for parents. Can't we have one good thing for ourselves?! 🙄
So if there's childfree or childless doctors, nurses, people who work in SEN, teachers, nannys, childminders, nutritionists, etc you don't want them on here helping parents?
AnneOfQueenSables · 17/10/2020 20:32

I have the same impression as you OP. Definitely more goady men and people who are visiting with a specific agenda
Yy I agree with this. They think they're not noticable but it's blatantly obvious. They're not trying to provide a wider perspective, they're trying to undermine what they see as a female-dominated space.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 17/10/2020 20:35

@Fionasmammy

Female mothers? Are there male mothers?
😁
To feel like there are fewer and fewer mums on Mumsnet?
notacooldad · 17/10/2020 21:06

Yeah, I do. You’ve taken my reference to my ‘the childfree brigade’ out of context - if you go back and look at how I used it in context I hope it’s clear I am referring to the habit of ‘childfree by choice’ posters using Mumsnet to provide unhelpful commentary on topics they couldn’t possibly relate to (eg having an severely autistic son, as per my example).
Not all advice by childfree posters around children is necessary unhelpful. E.g. A midwife doesn't have to had given birth to comment on a pregnancy/ delivery post. A HCP who specialises in autism would have a wide scope of knowledge to offer a parent. Granted the parent knows their own child better than anyone else but a professional that has seen many children would may have suggestions or suggest techniques that have worked in the past and the parent didn't
know about. That's just two examples fro the top of my head.

I really think we need a search bar for subjects, like this that come round an a very regular basis! You know exactly what comments are coming and people post them as if they are the first person to have had that thought e.g. It's MUMsnet

If I had a pound for every time someone posted it I would be a lot better off than I am now!😂😂😂