Pissed off two friends as won't share my baby things

[Pollypockett23]

I've upset two friends by not sharing my baby things. It's my first baby and I have bought everything brand new.

Both are pregnant and both have been pestering to borrow things. Neither have asked outright but have been hugely hinting eg. Can't try things on in maternity stores etc. I've just said you don't really get maternity clothes in store anymore, most is online anyway.

I feel really under pressure and don't want to share my things. One has recently married a millionaire - I don't know why she would want my second hand stuff?

I just want to keep everything new but feel under massive pressure. Am I being unreasonable?

One friend is strapped for cash but has chosen to have a baby. I don't feel I should have to fund her lifestyle choice?! I did give her a bag of things - maternity clothes - and she turned her nose up at them and hasn't worn them since. They were all brand new but things I hadn't spend hundreds on.

I agree. I wouldnt lend when I think I will need things soon. I bought alot new for my first baby and have looked after things. I want to be able to have them in good condition for hopefully a baby number 2. With the best will in the world, things can go wrong and items get damaged. I would rather not risk it. I have 2 friends who recently had babies. Both got gifts from me - more than I was given from them so couldn't complain I was being tight not that they ever would as theyre lovely people. I sorted through the things I had with my child that were good condition but I probably didn't need to keep and gave them to the family who needed them more. I didnt lend. I think that's too much pressure on people. I gifted. But there was no obligation. They were my things after all

@grapewine

Describing a pregnancy as a lifestyle choice is crass.

It's true though. You make a choice for the kind of life (general) you want. A baby isn't an accessory, obviously, but it is a choice. A choice make because (general) you want them.

I think it is a lifestyle choice, and it's a choice that some people bitterly regret.

I would also agree that if you can't afford to buy the necessities for a new baby, then yes perhaps this isn't something you should be doing right now.

Obviously some people accidentally get pregnant and may need help but for the rest of us, yes having children was a lifestyle choice.

So it seems that either

1. They are CFs with entitlement issues
2. Fishing to find out if you’re pregnant
3. Generally not nice gossipy people
4. A combination of the above

I would ignore the text for now, you don’t have to reply. Take time to consider whether this person really is a friend, it doesn’t sound like it to me.

Honestly, when the baby was intentionally conceived, it is a lifestyle choice. What's wrong with saying that? Dating, living with someone, marrying, staying single? All lifestyle choices.

If she decided to have a baby, she should be able to afford to clothe it and buy the necessities. Otherwise, she shouldn't have tried to get pregnant!

@allthedamnvampires

I don't understand how you can dismiss helping out a poor pregnant friend as 'funding a lifestyle choice'. Perhaps you have the friends you deserve.

It is if that person expects it though. There is a difference between helping out because you're a friend and love the person, and the person expecting it and talking about you behind your back because you won't make life easier for them when they have made their own choices and shouldn't have done so relying on being able to guilt others into giving them their stuff

@Pollypockett23

So I text the below text to one. (The one married to a millionaire). Haven't sent it to the other one. 'Lucy' replied...

'Polly, I think you're being silly. Our new baby isn't planning to destroy your things. We would look after anything you give us? It just seems a waste for it to be left in a cupboard? Unless your pregnant? What's the plan for this weekend?'

Ffs.

Urgh your friend is so entitled and grabby!! Why do you have to give her anything?? Ooooh this msg gives me such rage, none of my friends are like this, but they would be getting a swift ‘fuck off’ from me if they were

absolutely agreed

What horrible friends you have.
Text back.
Maybe you should clean your own house and use the money saved to buy your own baby stuff.
I will give my childrens things away when I'm finished having children and good and ready, not when so called friends decide I should.

I would simply reply that you will have to agree to disagree and your things are staying put in your cupboard.
If she’s a real friend she will drop the subject.

@samG76

YANBU in respect of maternity stuff. YABU to say of your friend that she has "chosen" to have a baby. Sounds very harsh. Should there be a means test for reproducing?

but if she has chosen to have a baby, she has. If she hasn't that is different. But it isn't wrong to say something is a choice if it is. And of course having babies should not be means tested but you absolutely should be able to provide the basics and not expect others to do it for you. There are plenty of excellent parents with very little to rub together who provide all their baby needs and do not have the attitude the OP's friends (both well off and not well off) seem to have. Tbh both friends, irrespective of wealth, seem to have made a choice and are responsible for that choice

That wasn't a nice text you received.
I haven't given away anything from ds as I wanted another and now have a newborn and I'm re using everything. Thats the norm where I live. I won't get rid of anything until I'm sure there won't be a third.
Babies do wreck things I've already had to throw a few things away due to nappy leaks

Stick to your guns keep your baby clothes

@Pollypockett23

Thanks for all your replies, I feel a bit stronger in my opinion on it now.

One friend is barely talking to me because she thinks I'm being selfish. She's married a bloody millionaire and always banging on about her cleaner, her personal trainer etc. It's not like she can't afford new.

My husbands cousin recently got pregnant and she said to me, if you've got a bag of things would you mind dropping them over? I gave away all my old maternity stuff.

Is this the norm now?! I feel like such a witch saying no... why do people even ask! I don't really like the thought of saying, we are going to be trying again but feel that's my only excuse!

No. It isn't the norm for nice respectful people. I have two friends who gave birth recently and a family member who did a little while longer ago. I also have friends who gave birth about a year prior to me. I was never asked by any of my friends for clothes and I also never asked people for them either. I was offered clothes from one friend and was sure to check if she wanted them returning or not or money for them. Another gave us a carrier and I did the same check. I gave a bag of items to another friend. Everyone concerned was grateful and respectful of one another. Noone is obligated to give anyone their things. I don't use my car everyday - noone is coming to me asking to drive it rather than buy their own because its sat there. If they were, some of the people being harsh to you on here would probably not apply the same logic to that scenario. I'm also sure if your friends had that sort of situation and you accordingly asked to use their car routinely, they would think you were cheeky af

I have found, from bitter experience, that those who push to borrow something quite often return the item (if they return it) in a worse condition than they received it in. As if because they didn't pay for it, they are free to treat it as they like. They have no respect for other people's belongings. funny enough, it's often been the case IME that it's the people with more mooney who don't respect other people's stuff. I have lent stuff to a few people who were skint, and they have treated my stuff with care.

I am far more wary over who I lend stuff to nowadays, which usually means I don't lend much.

In this case "Lucy's" reply strongly suggests that she feels she's owed OP's baby stuff and can't see why OP might not want to lend it.

BTW I had a few friends being upset that I don't exchange the toys. I exchanged once, still have not seen my daughter toys back. The other friend got upset that I didn't exchange fisher price house for £100 for a box of puzzles. I stated that she still uses it. People are strange.

That is an appallingly rude reply from “Lucy”. I don’t think I could bring myself to dignify it with a reply.

Unfuckingbelievable!

Are you supposed to be meeting up this weekend? I’d focus on other friends and let this relationship drop.

I’m going to give all my baby things away... once I’m done having children! I think we all know when you “loan” baby things out to friends you are pretty much accepting that you aren’t going to get whatever it is back (or if you do it’s unlikely to be in the same condition as you handed it over - babies poo and vomit lots!). Some friends did give me things and said they were done, one friend only had 1 child, I did say to her if there was any chance she needed it back to say as I was worried her in particular would eventually decide to have another. She never did though and said to me she was giving it away and didn’t expect things back even if she did have another.

I will be handing all our baby things over to my sister once we have our third and final child early next year, had my sister decided to have a baby between our children I’d have been reluctant to hand over anything that is likely to get trashed and that’s my own sister!

@Pollypockett23

So I text the below text to one. (The one married to a millionaire). Haven't sent it to the other one. 'Lucy' replied...

'Polly, I think you're being silly. Our new baby isn't planning to destroy your things. We would look after anything you give us? It just seems a waste for it to be left in a cupboard? Unless your pregnant? What's the plan for this weekend?'

Ffs.

‘Lucy’ is a cheeky cow with total brass neck. So no point in reasoning with her as she will see that as a negotiation position. Just be clear that it’s not going to happen.

Hi Lucy looking forward to this weekend. Actually I think you’re being a bit silly making such a big deal out of this. But anyway. I’m going to keep the clothes safe at home for number 2 whenever he or she decides to come along. Have a lovely evening. X

Polly, I think you're being silly. Our new baby isn't planning to destroy your things. We would look after anything you give us? It just seems a waste for it to be left in a cupboard? Unless your pregnant? What's the plan for this weekend?'

Lucy, I think you're being a twat. You are married to a millionaire. It seems a waste for all that money to be left in the bank. Unless you're just incredibly entitled? How many 'hints' are you planning this weeked?

I'm slightly confused - it's this stuff you've had left from your first baby or things you have bought new in anticipation of your second? Not that it matters either way, you certainly don't have to lend you're friends anything

Text back
Maybe you should clean your own house and use the money saved to buy your own baby stuff
I will give my childrens things away when I'm finished having children and good and ready, not when so called friends decide I should.

Ooh yes, do this. You'll totally sound like the grown-up-est grown-up of all (even with such stiff competition)!

I did have one so called friend who pushed and pushed to borrow a dress I had put DD in. I gave her a flat Nope to that one, it was a dress that my DM had put me in as a baby, so years old. She really pushed, wouldn't have it that the dress was special to me. After I actually caught her trying to take the dress off DD when I came back from the toilet, I washed the dress and packed it away in a box with other sentimental items. I'm pretty sure I would never have had that dress back, and she's an ex friend now anyway. I think she wanted it as it was a vintage Liberty dress, mum had splashed out for that one dress.

Pollypockett23
So I text the below text to one. (The one married to a millionaire). Haven't sent it to the other one. 'Lucy' replied...

'Polly, I think you're being silly. Our new baby isn't planning to destroy your things. We would look after anything you give us? It just seems a waste for it to be left in a cupboard? Unless your pregnant? What's the plan for this weekend?'

Ffs.

’Lucy’ is a cheeky cow with total brass neck. So no point in reasoning with her as she will see that as a negotiation position. Just be clear that it’s not going to happen.

Hi Lucy looking forward to this weekend. Actually I think you’re being a bit silly making such a big deal out of this. grin But anyway. I’m going to keep the clothes safe at home for number 2 whenever he or she decides to come along. Have a lovely evening. X

@Pollypockett23 alternatively just text back:

you’re

I only ever ‘lend’ stuff that I’m not really bothered about getting back. That way, if I get it back in good condition, it’s a bonus. My nice stuff I’m keeping hold of for my next baby.
Lending stuff to friends stresses me out in general, I always worry that people will forget and I’ll feel like a nag for reminding them or that they won’t treat things well. I’m a crappy millennial and not cut out for the sharing economy! Once I’m done, it will all be given to friends or charity so it will have a lot of use.
YANBU for wanting to keep your baby stuff nice for your second, no matter what age gap you have.

This is very odd. When I had my DS, no friends asked this and now some a pregnant I haven't thought to ask? I don't even know what they would want of mine

Charity shops are open and sell very good second hand baby stuff.
All my stuff came from here with my first as we were so poor.
They were as good as new, babies don't wear them out.

I can't imagine any of my friends making me feel so uncomfortable, are you sure they are friends?