Pissed off two friends as won't share my baby things

[Pollypockett23]

I've upset two friends by not sharing my baby things. It's my first baby and I have bought everything brand new.

Both are pregnant and both have been pestering to borrow things. Neither have asked outright but have been hugely hinting eg. Can't try things on in maternity stores etc. I've just said you don't really get maternity clothes in store anymore, most is online anyway.

I feel really under pressure and don't want to share my things. One has recently married a millionaire - I don't know why she would want my second hand stuff?

I just want to keep everything new but feel under massive pressure. Am I being unreasonable?

One friend is strapped for cash but has chosen to have a baby. I don't feel I should have to fund her lifestyle choice?! I did give her a bag of things - maternity clothes - and she turned her nose up at them and hasn't worn them since. They were all brand new but things I hadn't spend hundreds on.

@Mummyoflittledragon

Your friend is terribly rude and entitled. She has no right to your things. The fact that you’re being talked about and the attitude she is showing is quite bullying.

Has she / they always been that way? Has she / they given / lent you things or money in the past, which would make you seem unreasonable to them when asked to share baby things?

Yes, she borrowed my things regularly and now I feel I've created a rod for my own back. This is probably my fault.

I now feel like she no longer wants to be friends because I won't hand over the baby things.

@billy1966

Bizarre behaviour. What CF's.

Her opinion on what you decide to do with your maternity clothes and baby stuff is none of her business.

Honestly OP, I can only imagine how upsetting this is by supposed friends.

Years ago my friend "loaned" some gorgeous items to her SIL who was pregnant and going on holiday.
Lovely pretty bits that would make you feel special on holidays.
She got them back after a hot boil wash and they were ruined. You don't boil wash silk🙄.
She was livid, told her so and never gave her a single baby item.

Don't loan anything that you want back to use, recipe for disaster.

Frankly I would tell your newly weathy friend to get over herself.

Friends don't behave like this.

Thank you!

I do intend, once we've finished having babies, to give all my baby things to friends.

I'm not some horrible person that just refuses to lend / give things out. I just think it's nice to hold onto some things.

Appreciate your comment.

@RelaisBlu

"Lucy's" reply leaves me speechless OP. Her tone is very entitled and almost bullying, telling you how silly you are to keep your own belongings in your own cupboards! Do you really want this woman as your friend? My reply would be a resounding silence....

Thank you.

I haven't responded. Bailing on the weekend...

Not your friend. Her attitude and sense of entitlement is very unattractive.

Thanks for all your comments.

Think I definitely need to reevaluate these relationships.

To those who think I'm a horrible or nasty person, I am truly not. I just don't want to lend my things out till I'm done. Then they can keep them.

That's really unfair. C'mon on?

Yes, very unfair of you to judge someone for choosing to have a baby when you don’t think they should.

I think it's totally up to you OP! I had his situation with a high chair which I lent to a friend and then got pregnant with DD2.... friend held onto the chair for ages!... had to end up buying another one which I wasn't pleased about!
I don't agree about OP not sharing her stuff! It's not a public library, it's items that she's spent money time and effort buying. and to be called 'silly' by your friend shows they're the ones that are questionable friends, they should totally back off!

I would respond to that text with

"Well we'll have to agree to disagree as I'm not loaning things out that were very expensive and I've taken great care of"

I didn’t know passing baby things round was a “thing” up until I read a thread on here and it causes major problems. People end up wanting borrowed items returned back or maybe they are not happy they have passed them onto somebody else.....
It sounds like a bloody farse and I’m not sure why you would want to put your baby in second hand clothes!!

George is fab value for money!!

"Dear friend, I'm sorry to hear you think I am being silly. Frankly, I think you're being silly to push something I am clearly not comfortable with. Can we just drop this and move on, I've already explained why I don't want to lend out my things."

Basically they want all the high end stuff you bought. If you had kitted out your baby from primark, next and the supermarket they wouldn't even ask...

This is bizarre.
Surely you pass things on when/ if you have finished using them?
Ive never heard anyone lend while still planning more DC.
I would just reply.
Ok, have a nice weekend

Calling you silly is not on.
Timd to distance yourself from them.

Ive never heard anyone lend while still planning more DC

I had Ds1, SIL has D1- borrowed pretty much every single thing, I had Ds2, got it all back, SIL had DD2 borrowed it all, passed into another friend now as I’m undecided about a third!

I'd ditch these 'friends' OP. Especially the one bitching and gossiping behind your back. It's so cheeky to just expect your baby clothes. I have a 2 yo and a 6 month old. And I am only now just starting to think of passing on a few bits that my youngest has grown out of. I would be so uncomfortable if my friends were putting me under pressure to give things away.

Stick to your guns. Unfortunately it does seem like they are using you - it hurts when people show their true colours - but you don't need friends like this in your life.

I never gave anything away until I was finished. Keep your stuff.
Clothes don't last for a 3rd baby and if they're not careful weaning they'll be stained.

Just tell them that :-
I just don't want to lend my things. I want to keep them for our second.
Everything is washed, ironed and put away. When I'm done, I'll practically give my friends everything but rn, I want the things to be new for baby number 2.

tell them to piss off, your belongings not theirs.

If you do not want a confrontation with them then lie or drop into a conversation that you have decided to have your maternity clothes turned into soft toys or blankets for your baby. Im having this done with my Dads clothes for my children.

OP, you are not being the least bit unreasonable.

It's always funny on MN the type of people that defend CF's......not people I would tolerate within a 100 ft of me.

You sound lovely, they sound ghastly.

I think you have perhaps too much time being a good friend.

Believe me, people like your friends are 10 a penny and are no loss.

Start thinking of yourself and less of them.

These are the sort of friends that will impose with their kids.

You mind yourself, they are not worth the effort.

I faced a barrage of unwanted baby items which I tried to tactfully turn down. I wanted to choose myself - whether it was new or second hand wasn't that important. Several people refused to take no for an answer and dropped stuff of at my house anyway.

I passed on most of the donated items but sold some of the newer more expensive items I'd paid for. Some of the donated stuff wasn't fit for wear or donation to charity shops for sale. I tried to remember who donated what so I could check if they wanted it back if it was a higher cost item.

I unfortunately got rid of one donated item that I didn't realise was lent rather than given. I picked up a cheap replacement and don't think she realised.

I had one pushy friend that I no longer see. She acted in the manner of your friends. I kept things cordial with her but I got annoyed when she'd see my daughter in something new, check the label whilst she was wearing it and tell me 'I'll have that when you're done with it' rather than say how nice my daughter looked.

Your purchases, your choice - I would refuse to be drawn into further dialogue about it.
I might be tempted to ask if she was struggling financially and was unable to afford to buy things though...

You have odd friends (if you can even call them that!). Just say you want to use them next time your pregnant so won’t be lending them out. Job done.

TBH, OP, I'd think you were awful.

Perhaps we move in very different circles.

In my group, we actively helped each other out. Every one of us passed things on to each other. We kept the things that were particularly significant but slings, clothes, toys - they went through lots of us and when the original owner needed them, they went immediately back. We mucked in. It was totally normal.

Someone never passing anything on would have felt antisocial and strange.

I mean, yeah, it is your stuff, but wehy wouldn't you want to share reciprocally with your closest friends?

If this helps at all - I was lucky enough that my mum kept the cot that I had (and my sister). When I had our 1st, it was in a sorry state in mums garage so DH spent several days restoring it, and adding new parts. He painted it, and restored the original wood panels. All of our DC used it.

It was in the garage for years, then a friend asked if she could borrow it to use at her mums house (who lived in the same village). I wasn't keen, but they were hard up and I felt bad so gave in, but said it was on the condition that I had it back when she had finished with it. A few years went by, she had more DC then my 1st DD told me she was pregnant and would love her old cot.

So I contacted the friend, and had to be very persistent about wanting it back. Turns out her mother hadn't realised we still wanted it, and apparently some rails had got broken so they'd burned it. I was absolutely heartbroken.

I have never loaned anything of sentimental value since. And broke contact with the "friend", I'm still too angry to ever talk to them.

Tell your friends to fuck off, seriously. They are your belongings.

@WhatWouldJKRDo

TBH, OP, I'd think you were awful.

Perhaps we move in very different circles.

In my group, we actively helped each other out. Every one of us passed things on to each other. We kept the things that were particularly significant but slings, clothes, toys - they went through lots of us and when the original owner needed them, they went immediately back. We mucked in. It was totally normal.

Someone never passing anything on would have felt antisocial and strange.

I mean, yeah, it is your stuff, but wehy wouldn't you want to share reciprocally with your closest friends?

Sorry, but no.

Its not antisocial to keep your own property for your own use.

OP did share stuff. It just wants the 'good stuff' the grabby ones wanted that they are bitching about.

YANBU. It’s your stuff, you paid for it. I’d buy them a baby gift each, but that would be it.

Keep your stuff for if you have another baby.