To lie about Santa to a child!

[santaself123]

NC for this as I know his family are on mn
It’s a bit of a long one, sorry!

I’m 16 weeks pregnant so I’m aware I could just be over emotional, and it’s not really that relevant right now but here goes anyway.

Last night I was looking for inspo for Christmas presents, I came across a kids “Santa’s treat” board for leaving treats on Christmas Eve. I made a joke to DP that he’ll have to be Rudolph as I’m not a fan of carrots so wouldn’t be biting a carrot to leave teeth marks!

DP said something along the line of “ or we could just not lie to our kid”

I thought he was joking but it turns out, after a short conversation, that he doesn’t want us to tell our child Santa is real! He says we shouldn’t lie to our child about Santa! He said we wouldn’t tell them God is real so why would be tell them Santa is!

Now here is where I might be wrong but Santa is the most magical thing in my eyes! It’s one of the things I’ve always looked forward to about having my own child! Making our own lovely Christmas traditions and just watching the excitement and anticipation of Christmas through a child’s eyes!

But I feel like he’s ruined it now! I don’t see the point in getting excited about Christmas now or ever if he’s just going to tell our child Santa’s not real as soon as the child can understand the concept!

I know I might be being petty to be upset as I suppose to most people it might not be a big deal but I just feel very deflated and quite disappointed!

So AIBU to be upset with him about it!

YABU- Santa’s not real and it’s not a big deal
YANBU- Santa’s magical and every child should have the chance to believe in him!

YANBU. It's a bit of fun for kids. This whole "lying" stuff is ridiculous to me. How many adults are traumatised by their parents "lying" to them about Santa?

YABU I don’t get the Santa and magic thing.

My eldest kid who is 7 got told at age 5 at school santa doesn't exist and he then questioned everything about the chimney and came to the conclusion there's no santa. I said that's fine if you don't want to believe it but don't tell your little brother he doesn't exist as its still 'magical' for him. But he has said it a few times now lol I can't remember when I stopped believing

Oh and in your instance yanbu

To me it is really no different to fairy tales that kids have read they are younger, we did the santa thing and although we have never sat DS down and said 'you do know santa is not real don't you' he goes along still but we know he knows santa is not real.

We never sat down and told him cinderella, harry potter, Minecraft etc. is not real either nor things are real we just figured he works out what is real or not himself.

there is no right or wrong - but there is no law to say santa has to be done, we 'do' it but not in a bog way there are just a couple of presents under the tree and a pillow case with toys and DH insists santa drinks single malt and a mince pie.

DS is now a teenager so not as many toys lately.

There is nothing wrong in doing nothing either

It's harmless fun.

My dd was always terrified of him so l kind of told her quite young it is just a bit of fun but the idea of giving gifts without getting anything back is really what he is all about. Whilst l see your dh's point of view, knowing that at some point you will have to fess up, l also think it makes it so magical for children and makes him a bit of a kill joy!

Hi everyone, thank you for the replies!

I understand that for him it might not be magical and knowing we'll have to fess up eventually is possibly in his mind but I just think he's a bit of a kill joy! I wonder if he's trying to be "woke" in his views of how to parent with a second child?

He's not really a Christmassy person but in my eyes, for a child, without Santa it would be a single morning of gifts then they would go about their day like normal...

It's also not like he's not been into the idea of Santa and Christmas magic as his DD (6) still believes in Santa and he's not told her otherwise!

I do also understand that everyone has their own way of doing family life.

I can't see anything wrong with allowing children to believe in magic for a while. I also think there's a huge push for parents not to lie to their DC all the time and, to be honest, I'll openly admit I've lied to mine occasionally and they're growing up to be bloody lovely despite my inept behaviour.

I remember when I was young my Dad ran into my room just after I'd gone to bed one Christmas Eve, saying "I can hear bells" and opening my bedroom window. We leaned out together, listening out, and faintly heard bells jingling. He put me back to bed and hand on heart it's one of my absolute best memories, the sheer joy and thrill of imagining I'd heard Santa's sleigh bells ringing. Obviously they'd convinced a poor neighbour to stand at the end of their garden in the pouring rain jingling bells but my goodness if I could bottle that and give it to my DC, I would. I struggle to accept that letting them believe in magic for a while damages their faith in humanity. If you have a child who wouldn't react well to the whole Santa thing, do what's right and make them feel safe. If you have a child who'd love it and be thrilled to bits, let them have it for a while.

I am so anti telling kids Santa doesnt exist. It is cruel to take something so magical away from them. They only have a short time to believe.

I'd be doubly cross in your situation as he allows it for his first child!

He might well change his mind once your child is here and he sees how excited they are at Christmas. My misery-guts-Santa-is-ridiculous DH was the one artistically trailing biscuit crumbs by the plate and wouldn't let me remove the carrot and put it back in the fridge and insisted the end be left with teeth marks in it.

Sorry, OP, but I'm uncomfortable with this too.

For me it's that we live in a world where there are so many people who would manipulate children for their own ends and I need my children to be able to trust me 100% and tell me anything. I'm not saying that every child whose parents lie to them about Santa has their relationship with their parents damaged - far from it, probably - but children react so differently to finding out that I don't want to risk it. Also, in a world of obfuscation and misinformation, I just really, really value truth and honesty!

I also want my children to have magical Christmases, though, and the compromise I've come to in my own mind is playing 'the Santa game' - doing all of the traditions and stories etc. while making it pretty clear (though perhaps not in so many words) it's all a fun game everyone plays at this time of year. I won't ever say or imply that Santa is actually real.

Honestly, each to their own. I'm aware lots of people will think I'm pious and over-thinking it, but there we are!

If you and your husband can't agree, can you treat it like a religious difference and say "mummy believes"?!

YANBU

@FudgeBrownie2019 that story actually made me cry! Thank you for telling me that, I imagine that's a lovely memory to have!

That's the type of thing my mum used to do for me when I was little and that's the type of magic I want to give my DC if I can. My mum was a single mum so she had to be creative as I got older, she had to take me shopping, so to explain why she was buying presents for my older siblings she said that she bought the presents and Santa would come and take them for the elves to wrap and redeliver on Christmas Eve! This was totally believable as I knew mum hated wrapping presents!

She used to put flour on the floor and have one of my brother walk in the flour (in his work boots) in one door and out the other!

We had an electric fire and I was distraught when I realised but mum went and bought a "Santa key" a big fake metal key that meant Santa could get in!

We lived in a little cul-de-sac and one of the neighbours used to ring bells for the kids down the street!

It's little traditions and magical moments I want to bring alive for my DC! I don't think there is a high percentage of adults who would say that their parents telling them Santa was real scarred them for life!

Santa is magical for kids, I really don't think of it as a lie, it's like a PP said a fairy tale.

What about the tooth fairy and Easter bunny, will those exist in your DHs plan?

People (on here, certainly) get so incredibly invested in maintaining 'belief' and 'the magic' re Santa. I find it a little odd - and I also think it's the route a less 'fun' side of it can go down, it opens up the potential for manipulation, specifically the manipulation of children's behaviour with the notion of 'good' and 'naughty' lists and the implied sense of having to 'deserve' the presents which should, in the actual spirit of Christmas (and Christ, if that's your sort of thing), be an abundant show of love and joy in the child just existing.

While I do think most children can distinguish pretty quickly between a 'lie' that's actually a harmless game and a damaging lie, and therefore am not entirely on board with the po-faced condemnations of Santa as 'lying', I do have strong reservations about the extremity and single-mindedness to which some parents try to preserve the fiction, and I felt I didn't want to do there myself. We've always 'done' Santa in a low-key way, but it's semi-transparently just a nice game and a bit of make-believe by which we give one another joy and fun, and I don't think the dc have ever really 'believed' as such.

I cannot say I have never lied to my son whether santa or not

but there can be magic without santa

People do seem like they have major santa issues

@FilthyforFirth yeah I am against it with all my heart it just feels wrong! And the fact that he's okay with his ex making Christmas magic but he "won't be telling lies like that" to our child grates on me!

@Telephoneaddict that made me chuckle I hope he changes his mind that much!

@CatteStreet @EducateAFemaleCat I totally see where you're both coming from in the manipulation side of this and would never use Christmas or Santa as a behavioural tactic however (TW here) as someone who was abused by an ex family member, I can assure you that it wasn't the fact my mum told me a lie about Santa as to the reason I didn't tell her I was being abused! By that point I knew Santa wasn't real and never thought, "well my mum lied about that so I can't trust her now"

I'm not saying there isn't anything wrong with you're views, each to there own, and I'd understanding DP had something like that as he reasoning but he allows his other daughter to believe in Santa and Christmas so why not mine?

@FatGirlShrinking I haven't a clue as to his ideas regarding the tooth fairy etc I know his other DC believes in the tooth fairy but I'm not sure what my child is allowed to believe in without him ruining it yet!

Christmas wouldn't of been the same without the magic of Father Christmas!

So OP this is basically a competition between his other child and yours? you do realise they will never be treated the same? and that is normal.

you will always have things that you can compare but will that make you happy?

Santa is harmless fun. Children love it.

We're atheists but did Santa. DS worked it out in January age 6 and it's done him no harm.

There was a discussion on here about this last month.

YABU. Santa is a load of superstitious nonsense and takes away from enjoying Christmas for what it is (A time to enjoy your family). Most of the world gets by without it!

Just to put another perspective- my mum told me when I was 3, I vividly remember the conversation. She said she had been really upset to find out and didn't want me to experience the same thing. This will sound incredibly pretty but I I do struggle to forgive her for it - I feel like it was selfish of her to deny me years of fun and 'real magic' because she has a bad experience and assumed my reaction would be the same (so she said). It makes me really sad when I hear other people's stories about really believing or see it in Christmas films etc.

To be fair though I think it totally depends on the context of your overall relationship. To the PP who was genuinely really concerned about teaching your children about truth you sound lovely! I'm sure you'll create lots of wonderful memories for your children regardless and the fact you've given it so much thought shows you really care.

For me this was part of a wider pattern of growing up with much older siblings- my mum was not maternal at all and by the time I came along she was totally bored of any child related stuff. I don't ever remember her playing with me/ offering a cuddle and the Santa thing was just part of a general lack of willingness to enter my world. I was always expected to behave exactly like an adult and anything else was seen as a huge inconvenience.

So my message would be do whatever works for you but do it with all the love in the world and make sure you always show your children that their world is important too. I have LOVED Christmas as an adult and will be going to town with my little one ( not on presents/stuff but on magic!) but that's just me!