To lie about Santa to a child!

[santaself123]

NC for this as I know his family are on mn
It’s a bit of a long one, sorry!

I’m 16 weeks pregnant so I’m aware I could just be over emotional, and it’s not really that relevant right now but here goes anyway.

Last night I was looking for inspo for Christmas presents, I came across a kids “Santa’s treat” board for leaving treats on Christmas Eve. I made a joke to DP that he’ll have to be Rudolph as I’m not a fan of carrots so wouldn’t be biting a carrot to leave teeth marks!

DP said something along the line of “ or we could just not lie to our kid”

I thought he was joking but it turns out, after a short conversation, that he doesn’t want us to tell our child Santa is real! He says we shouldn’t lie to our child about Santa! He said we wouldn’t tell them God is real so why would be tell them Santa is!

Now here is where I might be wrong but Santa is the most magical thing in my eyes! It’s one of the things I’ve always looked forward to about having my own child! Making our own lovely Christmas traditions and just watching the excitement and anticipation of Christmas through a child’s eyes!

But I feel like he’s ruined it now! I don’t see the point in getting excited about Christmas now or ever if he’s just going to tell our child Santa’s not real as soon as the child can understand the concept!

I know I might be being petty to be upset as I suppose to most people it might not be a big deal but I just feel very deflated and quite disappointed!

So AIBU to be upset with him about it!

YABU- Santa’s not real and it’s not a big deal
YANBU- Santa’s magical and every child should have the chance to believe in him!

YABU. While I think it’s pretty harmless for the most part I don’t think it’s reasonable to be stuck on it as some kind of must do thing if your partner isn’t onboard. And the idea you can’t make Christmas magical when the truth about Father Christmas is known is pretty sad. Christmas can be just as magical if you see it as a reflection of the love of all the people who know you.

YANBU! I would be having a strong conversation with him about it now, not waiting. The magic is so so so special at Christmas and santa is one part of that. Does he resent how his parents handled it?
I also think it is very relevant that his DD believes - it’s lovely and why would this child not get the opportunity to experience the same excitement. Are you sure he isn’t just trying to wind you up?!

My parents never did Santa and I cannot remember my friends believing either when growing up, but I am quite old and think the Disney-Christmas is a more recent thing.

I am not in the “stop lying”-camp, but also think it’s a bit mad how people think children cannot enjoy Christmas without believing in a Santa. We never did Santa for our children and we enjoy Christmas but suppose we don’t make a massive deal of it. We live in London and so many of our friends are from different backgrounds and don’t celebrate Christmas anyway so it’s not a big thing at my children’s school.

What I think is bonkers is when people come on MN totally bereft that their secondary school child will stop “believing” I think so many children have to keep up the appearance of believing for their parents

Think back to our childhoods. Did we love the excitement and idea of Santa and has that carried through to wanting to give that to our children? Or perhaps we were not given the same by our parents and that lack of interest is again carried on. Interested to hear if Santa was an exciting time in the childhood of those not interested now or are using the “not lying” reason now as a valid get out as they were denied those special memories.

@Poptart4 I find it very strange too tbh

@Di11y I like that your kids are creating the excitement but you still keep it as a fairytale type of thing that's still magical in its own way!

@BoomBoomsCousin I never said we couldn't have Christmas without Santa I just think it's sad to start off telling a child he doesn't exist straight out the womb (if DP had anything to do with it) I want nothing more than to bring the love of a family into my child's life but I don't understand how saying Father Christmas is a thing is seen as a big lie to DP can't we have both the love and the figure?

@Avacadoandtoast as soon as he gets in from work I'll be having strong words with him believe me. I'm 99%sure he wasn't winding me up as when he saw my face he said "oh your putting your foot down are you?" Normally in a situation like this he'd say he was joking as soon as he thought he might have upset me in some way!

@Pollynextdoor i understand that some people don't like it and that's fine or it wasn't a thing in their family! We have a very close knit family on both sides and all parents, grandparents and all the children have "Christmas magic" type of attitude so
I'm not sure where DP gets it from tbh. I do understand that people enjoy Christmas with or without the "Disney effects" and I would never force it on my child if they really didn't want to believe in it all! I just don't see why we should start out with arg attitude!

@HappydaysArehere, but perhaps those of us not growing up with Santa don’t feel we were denied anything and just like others are re creating our childhood Christmas how we remember it?

Yanbu, Father Christmas coming to deliver presents is a massive part of Christmas for us as I’m an atheist so the religious aspect is void for us.
And I hate when they say it’s lying to your child , it’s a sweet little story ,that’s all .

Yanbu. I have the fondest, most wonderful memories of Christmas as a child and I still love it as an adult. If my children’s Christmases are half as special then I’ll feel happy.

Your DH will have a battle on his hands as soon as your child is old enough to talk to friends. You will basically force your child to lie to other children about Santa, tooth fairy, Easter Bunny etc as most under 7 year olds will believe. If you have a girl he has to battle fairies and unicorns at one point .

It is harmless fun and when we told our 9 year old about it, she never thought we lied to her or that she suddenly didn't trust us anymore.

Poor DD had to sort out St . NIkolaus, Father Christmas and the Christkind and managed quite well.

Maybe get your DH to read up on St. Nikolaus, the man behind the Santa idea and see if he can see if that helps him realising. that there is more to the whole. thing than a man in red with a set of reindeers.

YANBU. There has never been a scrap of evidence that it causes children a jot of harm to believe in Santa, but plenty of joyless puritans will make a big song and dance about how they’re morally superior for not ‘lying’ to their children.

Imo the opinion of the person who wants to bring a bit of joy and magic into their child’s life should trump the opinion of the person who is using the discussion as an opportunity to make self-aggrandising proclamations about their own truthfulness, so I’d tell your husband to get on board with it so your child isn’t deprived of a magical experience that benefits millions of children nationwide.

YABU.
We just went with the "Santa's not real, he just represents the spirit of giving at Christmas". Kids were fine with that; they weren't at all keen on some strange chap coming into their bedroom at night!

@FudgeBrownie2019

I can't see anything wrong with allowing children to believe in magic for a while. I also think there's a huge push for parents not to lie to their DC all the time and, to be honest, I'll openly admit I've lied to mine occasionally and they're growing up to be bloody lovely despite my inept behaviour.

I remember when I was young my Dad ran into my room just after I'd gone to bed one Christmas Eve, saying "I can hear bells" and opening my bedroom window. We leaned out together, listening out, and faintly heard bells jingling. He put me back to bed and hand on heart it's one of my absolute best memories, the sheer joy and thrill of imagining I'd heard Santa's sleigh bells ringing. Obviously they'd convinced a poor neighbour to stand at the end of their garden in the pouring rain jingling bells but my goodness if I could bottle that and give it to my DC, I would. I struggle to accept that letting them believe in magic for a while damages their faith in humanity. If you have a child who wouldn't react well to the whole Santa thing, do what's right and make them feel safe. If you have a child who'd love it and be thrilled to bits, let them have it for a while.

Oh that made me tear up a little bit. Op tell him to get over it it's just a bit of magic.

If you read most posts you realise that Santa is incredibly magical - for the parents. Its all about parents creating some magical ideal (and often enough get extremely stressed about it - including sobbing tantrums and massive debt), not about kids.
its up to each parents what they want christmas to be associated with, but I can assure you the magic does not depend on a man in s red suit - loving parents, and time spend with the children is all you neec for a magic christmas, everything else is entirely optional (and very commercial)

Yanbu. Santa is just a bit of fun and massively different from God. After all we're not telling kids santa created the world etc...
He sounds like a right miserable bugger. Sorry op.

I think take Santa out of the equation for a minute.

His first child is allowed to have Santa. He obviously lost this battle previously or has had some random epiphany recently about lying to children but not enough of one to take this away from his existing child.

Is this more about him controlling you and this child? And feeling like he has more authority in this relationship than his last?

Well I hope your dp intents on "not lying to his kid" about every aspect of life.
Hes being ridiculous. Santa is magical and I remember it well.

He is logically correct, it annoys me when people criticise baptism (for the not religious) but are quite happy to make their kid believe in another invisible magic person. OTOH, why not. Its nice to think of more than the eye can see. What do I know, maybe he's real...

santaself123 I didn’t accuse you of saying you couldn’t have Christmas without Santa. That you even read that into what I wrote is a bit disturbing and indicates a bit of a lack of perspective.

I said it was sad you thought you couldn’t have it seem magical without Santa. You talked about wanting to start family traditions but then said DH’s view “ruined it”. It’s this idea that it’s not going to be as good because you can’t rely on one made up story that seems sad to me. You can still start traditions and create fun and a magical time without it. It’s really not the main bit of Christmas kids love. They love the time with family, the stepping out of the humdrum routine of everyday life, the prettiness of the trees and lights and decorations, opening cards addressed to them, making baubles, the presents, seeing family, sweet treats, stories, the one offs you do only at that time of year. Santa is just one way of adding magic to Christmas.

Why not concentrate on stuff you and DH can get behind instead of stuff he’s not enthusiastic about? (Unless he’s just a miserable idiot, in which case, do as you please).

I agree, Pollynextdoor. I don’t think Father Christmas does any harm but it baffles me how hysterical some people get about it on MN - you get posters every year going on like someone’s died because their kid has stopped believing in Santa, and I hate all the stuff about needing to trick or manipulate the child into continuing to believe because the parent isn’t ready to give up the magic yet. You can have a magical childhood with or without Father Christmas. Each to their own. It’s not a big deal.

And we “do” Father Christmas in our house so it’s not as though I have skin in the game here!

Is the reason he doesn’t want to do the Santa bit because he wants to make sure your child knows who actually bought him the presents.

Dd and Ds are late teens/20s now and I still leave them a bag of presents by their beds to wake up to on Christmas Day.
It is a family tradition.

Nothing will replace being woken to the squeals of “He’s Been” on Christmas morning

YANBU

My DC know that DH and I buy the presents, this helps get around any requests for impossible gifts and helps us to explain why some people get more or less than others. Once we've bought the presents we send them away to Santa for safekeeping, so long as they've tried their best to be a good person and tried to put right any mistakes they've made then he'll deliver them all back on Christmas Eve. He also leaves one gift that is "from Santa", it is one gift between them and its always something for them to share. Previously they've had a sledge, a box of art supplies, a set of board games, and a family pass to a local attraction.

My oldest doesn't believe in Santa anymore he's 11. He asked us the Christmas before last if Santa was real, I asked "what do you think?" to gauge his reaction and he said that he thought the whole thing was me and DH so we told him the truth. We told him that once you know Santa isn't a real person, you get to be Santa yourself and help make the magic for others. My next oldest DC, who is 9, has started asking questions now too. She asked me if he was real and when I asked her what does she think she replied that she thinks Santa is real so I agreed with her, I think this will be her last year of believing it though.

YANBU Christmas is magical.... he sounds such a joy...

Its funny we have never really brought up santa he know we get him gifts but he still lives out rum and a pie and carrot he believes more in the tooth fairy who leaves him a pound haha just let kids be kids its also not santa who makes xmas magical its you